Dating after lockdown #27 Being on Tinder to find a man of value is like looking in the bin for a Rolex

[Kimmylookatme]

Yeah he does understand! When I’ve been off work he’s come round on a Monday and spent some time with me and my daughter just playing it’s her blocks and silly games and she’s enjoyed it.. but I’ve been off work and no stress!! He says he understands why I’m tired etc from work/my child but in reality his day ends when he finishes work, mine ends at 8:30pm after my child’s asleep and I’ve done everything I need to for the next day.

He’s good when he is here - he helps tidy her playroom and he doesn’t mind so I don’t have to do it, and it’s “one less thing” for me to do but i think I struggle with the balance between wanting my own space and the “ok” amount to see someone. I just love being on my own and hate socialising after work and life sometimes but he would probably see me every day if he could

haha I think I’m your partner and mine is you in our relationship although maybe not so extreme,and in our case I’m the one with the kids but still want to see him more than he wants to see me gotta say I’m quite envious of the him just chilling with you guys, playing with blocks tidying the playroom etc… weve been together nearly 2 years and are nowhere near that yet but that’s a me-rail; I’d love him to help out with some of the day to day stuff sometime! Anywau it’s totally understandable you want your own space and he may find it hard to grasp how full on life with a kid or a certain job can be. I guess take it as a positive he wants to be around you so much; but definitely call him out on it if it becomes suffocating because he needs to respect your boundaries!

 

[freezelouise43]

Honestly I get wet lettuce vibes off him. One of those blokes who will always be 'ill' any time something needs doing or if things aren't going their way...I had an Ex like that, it was draining.

I think you’re right, every bone in my body is telling me not to reply and move on. I am hurt because I really really fancied him and we had amazing sex but now it just seems like he doesn’t care either way. In the bin? Xx

 

[EndofInfluencers]

@LaBlonde Are you me

 

[TheTinyHuman]

Hi all, I hope you don't mind my messaging again.

I have a lot of anxiety that this weekend, if we do have sex, my partner is going to leave. I don't know why I'm getting that idea. I might be hyperfixating on a few things. Could you please, if it's ok, help me to clear it up?

- We didn't speak a lot on Wednesday, yesterday we did a little before bed and also had another watch party of a show we're watching at the moment. He said he had a good night, again used my nickname he gives me.

- he mentioned a co-worker of his lives in the same area of the city to me. He said "Maybe he said we could have a drink together one day or we both could meet when I leave." For some reason, I took "when I leave" to mean "when I leave YOU" rather than "when I leave your house"

- this morning when we were speaking I found myself almost trying to get him to say "yeah we're going to see each other again" ("and is this something we'll have to do a few times?) and I'm not sure why I need the validation from him. I think it could be that messages have been a little more on the sexual side than lately.

- Also he's going back to his hometown for Easter with his family, so I think maybe I'm thinking "well we might not see each other after that"

Do you think this could add up?

 

[Thank(space)you]

Yes it’s tedious, up here in Scotland they’re not the attractive ones either (IMO). It’d be nice if they just stuck to Feeld or whatever it’s called. That’s designed for poly people, isn’t it?

Yeah Feeld is very much for the kink sex scene from what I've heard

 

[EndofInfluencers]

This, with bells on.

@LaBlonde I know that I don't 'know' you as such, but from the consistently kind and insightful contributions you make on this thread, it is very clear that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, other than that you're not willing to settle for a low quality male. That is to your credit, not your detriment. Men, and (non single) women often view single women over a certain age disparagingly, but I think that comes from a place of fear more than anything else...that those single women are having a better time of it!
The life expectancy for married men is longer than unmarried men, but it's the reverse for women, hence it's actually in our interest to stay single

@EndofInfluencers congratulations on your decision, I wish you lots of luck with it all. I always knew I wanted children and by my early 20s had figured out the chances of me meeting any worthwhile man who ticked my boxes was slim (wasn't wrong there!)...so I had given myself to 30, after which I would go the donor route. As it turned out I got pregnant by chance as a result of a short fling. I don't have any family which was tough, but having then had another child a few years later in a (terrible) relationship, I can hand on heart say that going it alone was so much easier and more enjoyable than having to manage a man as well as children! Sorry for the me rail, but I thought it might be useful to share.


ETA: I'd not read @MsCurly post when I posted the above...but I love the fact we both used the same words to describe @LaBlonde 's posts

Thank you so much @Lalla it’s so good to hear from women who haven’t gone the ‘traditional’ route.

I’m trying to get some recent photos together for my new profile. I remember when I joined last time the first message I received was ‘I bet you have a cracking set’- at least it set the tone of what to expect I suppose I know my first thought will inevitably be, what fresh hell is this- but it’s a necessary evil I suppose…
---

I was wondering how everyone here is 'testing' their compatibility with a potential partner? Is that something you take into account, something you don't care about at all, or something that you will let develop over time?
I usually like to know which type of personality someone is, so if they don't know I ask them to take the 16 personalities test, but when I brought that up yesterday, I realized that it might seem a bit.... crazy.

I always ask what they tend to do on a Sunday- it’s a good indication of how they like to spend their downtime

 

[svdwoodsen]

View attachment 2029680

yes yes and yes
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aw serena - firstly i’m sorry that i think what you wanted to be a fun workplace flirt seems to be turning into something more and causing you worry.

i do think, like we said earlier, that he realises he overstepped and is retreating - did you spend a lot of time chatting before that the sudden change would be noticeable? only you can say if it’s shifted on how much they mentioned him before but you could also be on edge about mentions of his name now, which is understandable.

workplaces can be so toxic gossip-wise sometimes, people will jump on and whisper about any possible drama. i can only say that keep your replies to these comments casual and exactly like you would if you were discussing anyone else. don’t give them anything to work with and do not stress yourself out about it.

Thank you for the thorough response! I do agree he's backing off which is probably for the best. I wouldn't say we spoke excessively in the past, at least not more than I would with any other colleague that I regularly worked and had a good rapport with but communication has dwindled significantly. I'm definitely on edge about mentions of his name now compared to before because his behaviour has changed towards me whereas I think similar comments in the past wouldn't have phased me at all so it could very well be in my head at this point. We did used to exchange winks and make faces at each other previously when we were on the same calls and someone said something funny though this is no longer the case, but I do wonder if they suspected something as a result of seeing that but I think it's probably me being hypersensitive at this point.

I have a made a point to not bring him up by name in conversion with colleagues at this point unless it's directly related to work but you're absolutely right that I shouldn't stress myself out or give them anything extra to work with. Given we're both backing off now and not giving people anything to work with as far as I'm aware, it'll probably die down even if they were gossiping.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

@Meringue22 All I’ll say is be prepared for the sheer exhaustion of it all, but I have met some genuinely lovely people on the apps.

ETA- One of the most strange encounters (along with Bumble men hoping I’m some kind of dominatrix) was a really good conversation I was having, plenty of back and forth banter, when he decided to call me the c-word and ended the conversation. It really did come out of the blue.

What the fuck?!

 

[Blondeangel2515]

Did you know he had a bf during this convo?
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I had an inkling but waited for him to tell me himself. He said his relationship with his girlfriend hadn’t been the same since I grassed him up but then in the same conversation when it went deep he said he wouldn’t do fwb again and next time work towards a relationship.
It wasn’t until the Friday night he slipped and said “we” which made me think he must still be in a relationship

 

[harveydean]

So me and my bf had a little tiff the other night, on his part kinda. We saw each other Friday night, he was busy Saturday and Sunday with stuff and that was fine, I had my daugher anyway and it was Mother’s Day. Monday came around and it was my first day back at work for 3 weeks due to an operation (nothing too serious) , anyway. I slept shit, was up at 6am with my daughter and I was exhausted anyway, I got home and told him not to bother coming round cos I want to get an early night as I was tired and didn’t fancy being up late when I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

Anyway, he was texting me fine, reads my message then ignores me for 2 hours and at 8pm tells me he’s going to sleep. I basically said I don’t appreciate being ignored cos I’m tired and don’t want to socialise after a very long day. Anyway, he just says it’s fine and I said well obviously it’s not fine cos you’ve been in a mood. Anyway, I just said I’m not carrying this convo on cos I’m tired & cba with it.

Tuesday morning he texts me saying he’s sorry and he shouldn’t of added to the stressful day I had at work back (I was extremely busy as I’m the only one who does my job and it was manic) .. and that he was looking forward to seeing me and he shouldn’t ignore me over it.

Anywayyyyy I told him in future I’m not making plans to see him on a Monday or Tuesday (I work part time due to my daugher) but I’ve got a stressful job at times and I really don’t want to socialise once I’ve put my daughter to bed at 7:45pm. I just want to be on my own.

He said it’s fine bla bla and that’s it. But I’m just worried on my part that he wants to see me more than I want to see him. I’ve had years of my own space and time once my daughter has gone to sleep and I really like my own time we have date night near enough every weekend and spend quality time together but I’m just not sure if I’m enough for him. I love my own space too much and when she’s gone to bed it’s the only time I get to be “alone” from work / my daughter

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to put it on paper

I totally get it and it’sa boundary you’re placing securing your own space. He’ll need to resurrect that, especially as you have a child.

 

[freezelouise43]

Hi all hope you are well…looking for a bit of advice if you please . So I’ve recently become single after a long term relationship ended and I rejoined tinder. I matched with a guy, who I met for drinks last Friday. I instantly looked at him and thought “yes!” And I find so few men attractive it was a nice surprise. We had a nice first date, except for one thing. He was a bit crude, in that he openly talked about sex in really graphic terms, which went against who he was in that he was professional, well spoken and dressed etc. he didn’t try anything on with me except a brief kiss good night. He text to see if I got home ok, and we carried on chatting. He was still being crude and I was getting fed up of it so I told him unless he stopped making it the main topic of conversation, I wasn’t interested in talking or meeting again. He totally changed and we had a nice week of conversations and I really started to warm to him. On Friday he said we could go out, and he would book a hotel (he’s not local) but he didn’t expect me to stay. Taxis are expensive by me so I agreed to stay with him, thinking what the hell about time I had some fun. We had an amazing night out, and he kissed me when we were in the lift in the hotel. We ended up having amazing sex multiple times, literally the connection was better than any I’ve experienced in a long time. He asked if I wanted to go shopping or for breakfast but I had to get back as I had plans.
Anyway, I’ve heard a little of him since, but nothing like the frequency before Friday. I bit the bullet and thought I would ask if he wanted to meet up again- the worst that could happen is that he would say no. I got the attached response- do we feel it’s a bit flippant and he probdbly doesn’t want anything serious? I haven’t replied BTW, am I being over sensitive or is it flippant? I’m wondering if he’s secretly married or something

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Very good. The interview guy was kinda cute if a little ungroomed.

 

[tomato_paste]

Anyways think I might give bumble a go but I struggle with being the one to talk first anyone got any go to openers?

I used to go for the silly questions games but these days a Hi how are you? must suffice, I don't have all day.

 

[boomska]

wait - what happened since the shag on friday to mean that you’ve both blocked each other on monday? did you stay over at the other guy’s house after friday or before?!

i have to say boom (and maybe out of turn) that your posts here do concern me a little in how much you allow these men to impact your well-being and how chaotic (for want of a better word) things sometimes get. why does this scenario in particular make you feel abandoned? which guy caused you anxiety or is it all three? it’s fine to jump into entanglements etc if you want casual things but i get the vibe that you don’t, and these types of encounters are just going to continue to cause you distress.

so Fridays guy- I texted him and his response was a blunt And rude so i called him out of it. And he doesn’t like being challenged so he blocked me. And I blocked him too.

Then I stayed at warhammers guys house on last night, so Sunday

no, your post is entirely fine and it’s entirely right. I do let these encounters impact my mental health, which is already suffering atm due to external stresses.

I think it’s warhammer guy effecting me the most because we’ve developed a friendship. And it’s given me an understanding into my behaviour with me.

 

[Londoncailín]

I’ve been considering doing some online dating again. It’s been a long time since I dabbled. I had success about 8/9 years ago on match where I met two long term partners. Are dating apps even worth the time/money anymore? I’m early 40’s for context.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

When I was on POF maybe around 2017/18 there was a profile picture of a grotty looking bloke mid 50s lying on a bed with two little kids around 5 maybe.! It was his main profile picture. I did report it and I never saw it again
You'd have to a moron & a creep to think that was appropriate.
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* be a moron

 

[LaBlonde]

Is this offer still up? Haha although I'd have to pass on the gin, antibiotics suck!

of course it is, the more the merrier! and oh no, hope you’re feeling okay antibiotics do indeed suck

 

[mozzarellagirl]

Please tell me someone has watched 90 Day Fiancé and gets the reference of throwing a Louboutin at a man’s head.

*not promoting assault btw

we know it's all in jest clem

 

[Clementine]

 

[boomska]

So. I hope this is a good place to put it.
I’m currently in therapy and I’ve spoken about my feelings through and through. And aware of my triggers and issues.

I met a lad through tinder and asked we can be friends because we got on so well, and our long term goals didn’t matcb

He’s got a girlfriend now, told me today and has said he’ll be moving in with half of the week in the future. and I KNOW I asked to be friends but can’t help but be gutted cause I did fancy him and had thoughts about kissing him. And I’ve only known him since October so it’s been hard navigating friendship from tinder and now I’m having to navigate it with him in a relationship.


And one of my issues is abandonment issues. And j was a bit short with him (it’s been an emotional week- met up with my dad who I haven’t been in contact with for 18 years!) so now I’m thinking I should tel him I want it? But I thinks is the case of want what i can’t have and it’s jealously too and the whole “he could be spending time with me”