Dating after lockdown #27 Being on Tinder to find a man of value is like looking in the bin for a Rolex

[Lalla]

Haha!! Thank you!! They were the mule type I thought they were quite cool! What turns these guys so nasty so quickly? None of us like rejection but I tried to be gentle and say it was due to work xx

Some men's egos are so incredibly fragile that any rejection is a massive slight, and in their warped mind entitles them to be rude and unpleasant in response.

I may have told this story before but about 10 years ago I went on a date with this guy I met online. He wasn't at all my type physically but from his profile and messages he seemed quite witty/ fun to be around so I thought I'd meet him for a drink at least. The drink was super awkward, his humour in real life was crude, unfunny and bordering on racist/ sexist, he was too tactile and kept trying to kiss me. So after 1 drink I made my excuses and left. He asked me on another date there and then, I said I'd message him.

I knew I was no way seeing him again, so on the way home I replied saying it was nice to meet him (it wasn't) but that on reflection I didn't feel a spark etc. It was a far kinder message than he deserved.

In response he said something along the lines of it being no loss, he was only bothering with a fat slag like me for sex, and mocked me for thinking he'd be interested in me for more than that. It was one of the nastiest responses I ever received.

I fully understand it said nothing about me, and everything about him. But why do men feel they have the godgiven right to be so nasty?

Even my Ex. He called me a bleeping witch more than once. When I challenged him he said that if I behaved like a bleeping witch that's what I should expect to be called. Yet would never have tolerated me speaking to him like that

 

[EndofInfluencers]

Thank you all for your lovely, witty replies! I seem to have gotten myself in a situation with my ex, going on the dating site was me trying to move on! We split 2 years ago after a very short physical relationship, anyway long story short we are back in touch and have chatted for a month before we ended up sleeping together a couple of weeks ago and last Friday…I told him let’s just be friends because I know the minute he thinks I want more he will cut and run. He’s in the middle of a messy divorce and isn’t consistent. Last Friday we drank so much I have very little recollection of anything post 11pm and he was a bit offish in the morning and very quiet this week, I’m scared I said something stupid I don’t remember
Bit of context, big age gap hes 55 and in my friendship group, didn’t meet him online but Jesus Mary mother of Christ am I hopelessly stupidly in love with that man I have waited 2 years in my head to hope I’d see him again, hearing bits about him every so often from friends…I’m a total idiot, I know…just no one makes me feel the way he does 🥲🥲

If I’m being brutally honest, I don’t think this situation will serve you well and you really need to persevere with meeting others- whether that be via dating apps or otherwise. If you can, try and treat him as another option that you have- but it’s evident that you’re understandably too invested in him. I just don’t want to see you wasting possible opportunities to meet someone else, as so many of us have done x

 

[Thank(space)you]

Well speed dating went well, there was a couple of guys I liked however my sister like them too. I said I've got dibs as I've been single 3 years ish she's been single 2 months but I made it clear to everyone she was my sister so hopefully they didn't match us both! Will let you know if I had any matches for who i liked who like me back.

Was a fun evening

 

[mozzarellagirl]

I fully understand it said nothing about me, and everything about him. But why do men feel they have the godgiven right to be so nasty?

Even my Ex. He called me a bleeping witch more than once. When I challenged him he said that if I behaved like a bleeping witch that's what I should expect to be called. Yet would never have tolerated me speaking to him like that

That's beyond nasty, that came from a mouth of a vile misogynist! Misogynists are so full of poison and are utterly vile. They deserve to be shamed - yet they never are.

(and as for your ex, what's his address babe and what's his biggest fear?)

 

[freezelouise43]

If I’m being brutally honest, I don’t think this situation will serve you well and you really need to persevere with meeting others- whether that be via dating apps or otherwise. If you can, try and treat him as another option that you have- but it’s evident that you’re understandably too invested in him. I just don’t want to see you wasting possible opportunities to meet someone else, as so many of us have done x

Thank you my biggest anxiety at the moment is that I said or did something post 11pm that put him off me…I also threw up in the morning, he’s a big drinker and I’m not really these days…he just said I was funny, but because I’ve not heard off him of his own free will (I thanked him for cooking for me and a nice night) I just don’t understand…he has gone like this a lot (days without texting) and as I’m just a friend I can’t demand more, just ugh x

 

[EndofInfluencers]

This is off-topic, but has anyone noticed how flaky friends are post pandemic? A few of my friends are so difficult to get out of the house these days…

 

[LaBlonde]

This is off-topic, but has anyone noticed how flaky friends are post pandemic? A few of my friends are so difficult to get out of the house these days…

am i one of your friends?!

i definitely think people have sort of “forgotten” how to be social or at least find social gatherings sort of intimidating since lockdown - not to mention i think a lot of people found solace in their own homes or at least realised how happy they could be in their own company. i’m sorry your friends are being flaky though! i would come and hang out with you!

i would be interested in reading some kind of study on how lockdown/pandemic has affected our relationships (friendships and romantic tbh).

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I'll never be flaky regarding letting people know (makes me guilty) but I'm very possessive of my free time & selective on meeting up. Luckily only have a few friends who want to go out much either!

 

[EndofInfluencers]

@LaBlonde It would definitely be interesting to see how friendships and relationships have been affected post-lockdown. I know a lot of relationships either got stronger or fell apart as they realised that without the busyness of life, they couldn’t cope with being bored in each other’s company.

 

[tomato_paste]

am i one of your friends?!

i definitely think people have sort of “forgotten” how to be social or at least find social gatherings sort of intimidating since lockdown - not to mention i think a lot of people found solace in their own homes or at least realised how happy they could be in their own company. i’m sorry your friends are being flaky though! i would come and hang out with you!

i would be interested in reading some kind of study on how lockdown/pandemic has affected our relationships (friendships and romantic tbh).

My therapist has mentioned that a lot of people she has as clients say the same thing: realising how stressful our social lives often were before the pandemic and finding a new apprechiation for staying home. I think it's gonna take time, but I'm convinced we're gonna see a new home bound social life - moving our social lives to the privacy of our homes, hosting small gatherings there instead of meeting at bars, cafes and restaurants. More dinner parties and afternoon teas. It's just that few people are used to hosting. Additionally, I think it's a matter of money too - I can feed 4 people with the money it would cost to go to a restaurant or for drinks.

 

[LaBlonde]

@LaBlonde It would definitely be interesting to see how friendships and relationships have been affected post-lockdown. I know a lot of relationships either got stronger or fell apart as they realised that without the busyness of life, they couldn’t cope with being bored in each other’s company.

girl, SO MANY couples i knew broke up over lockdown. including people who had been together like 10+ years. a woman in work separated from her partner of 12 years because they both realised, when stuck in the house and unable to go out on activities etc, that they actually just really annoyed each other. i’m sure i read that the uk divorce rate doubled in 2020.
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My therapist has mentioned that a lot of people she has as clients say the same thing: realising how stressful our social lives often were before the pandemic and finding a new apprechiation for staying home. I think it's gonna take time, but I'm convinced we're gonna see a new home bound social life - moving our social lives to the privacy of our homes, hosting small gatherings there instead of meeting at bars, cafes and restaurants. More dinner parties and afternoon teas. It's just that few people are used to hosting. Additionally, I think it's a matter of money too - I can feed 4 people with the money it would cost to go to a restaurant or for drinks.

fully agree! though i hate having people in my house so i’m still pushing on with the going out for drinks i think, like you say, a lot of people were really surprised (in a good way) by the almost peacefulness of lockdown? there were no real demands on your time, no stress of committing to plans, you were able to really impact your own space rather than never being at home… it’s incredibly interesting!

 

[mozzarellagirl]

honestly all these huge changes in our human behaviour due to the pandemic and we've just been expected to get "back to normal" utterly fucked

___________________

i absolutley love that so many women signed the duck out of divorce papers! if it wasn't for covid a lot of them would still be unhappily married - no doubt being maid, sex servant, essentially a single parent with a "co-parent", mother, therapist etc etc you've heard me say it all...
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Thank you my biggest anxiety at the moment is that I said or did something post 11pm that put him off me…I also threw up in the morning, he’s a big drinker and I’m not really these days…he just said I was funny, but because I’ve not heard off him of his own free will (I thanked him for cooking for me and a nice night) I just don’t understand…he has gone like this a lot (days without texting) and as I’m just a friend I can’t demand more, just ugh x

He'll never tell you what's made him go cold. It's most likely because you've slept with him. It doesn't matter if you threw up or made him breakfast in the morning.
I think you need to draw a line under this as quickly as possible else it's just going to hurt more and more. There's no other outcome here, i'm sorry

(and beyond your romantic feelings for him, if he's meant to be your friend - he's proven he's not)

 

[freezelouise43]

honestly all these huge changes in our human behaviour due to the pandemic and we've just been expected to get "back to normal" utterly fucked

___________________

i absolutley love that so many women signed the duck out of divorce papers! if it wasn't for covid a lot of them would still be unhappily married - no doubt being maid, sex servant, essentially a single parent with a "co-parent", mother, therapist etc etc you've heard me say it all...
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He'll never tell you what's made him go cold. It's most likely because you've slept with him. It doesn't matter if you threw up or made him breakfast in the morning.
I think you need to draw a line under this as quickly as possible else it's just going to hurt more and more. There's no other outcome here, i'm sorry

(and beyond your romantic feelings for him, if he's meant to be your friend - he's proven he's not)

Thank you so much! Yea I’ve been going slightly crazy all week wracking my brain what I did but I think it’s cause the novelty has worn off xx

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Lots of men feel you have devalued yourself in their eyes once you have sex with them. It's pathetic and a double standard but no amount of modernity seems to budge this ingrained hypocrisy. Please don't torment yourself. I went through all this and it was because there was another coming on the conveyer belt. It can be that simple.

 

[Anne1448]

This is off-topic, but has anyone noticed how flaky friends are post pandemic? A few of my friends are so difficult to get out of the house these days…

Oh my God, YES!

It became so hard to get everybody out post-pandemic. Most of my friends would rather host at home or see each other once every couple weeks.

 

[EddyDarling]

You lot have friends?

 

[LaBlonde]

damn

 

[mozzarellagirl]

damn

AS SHE SHOULD 🫡

 

[LaBlonde]

AS SHE SHOULD 🫡

her follow-up tweet says “did i say pool? i meant cesspit” we see you our sister 🫡

 

[freezelouise43]

Lots of men feel you have devalued yourself in their eyes once you have sex with them. It's pathetic and a double standard but no amount of modernity seems to budge this ingrained hypocrisy. Please don't torment yourself. I went through all this and it was because there was another coming on the conveyer belt. It can be that simple.

I know…the first time I stayed he was like an eager puppy, texting, asking me to go away for weekend…then the last time I literally just got weird vibes and judt dismissive since. I know my friends are going to ask how it’s going and I’ve avoided the texts so far 2 years I waited for him to come back (not waited, hoped lol) I think I’ve resigned myself to it just being a couple of hook ups for old times sake…my heart is breaking 🥲🥲