Dating after lockdown #27 Being on Tinder to find a man of value is like looking in the bin for a Rolex

[TillyMiffin]

I have no revenge for him, like childhood wise I seen how much cheating can hurt someone it’s what lead to the dv stuff in my childhood so too me it’s like snitching is the way to go because no one did that in the other part like I’m disappointed in him and let down but I don’t have any I need revenge on him. I don’t even want him

I’m just shocked at how unbothered I seen by it all this time round and at peace over it all. Like last time I had a feeling he’ll come back even know I thought logically he won’t but this time round I don’t have no feeling or logic to it I’m taking it as a good thing but still wary and scared as it’s the first time I’ve never had intuition over it all

No shade/dis respect but personally I don’t think you’re coming across as ‘at peace’. The messaging the girlfriend thing is always a contentious topic on this thread, I have mixed feelings about that. If I were you I’d block block block and move on, & let them get on with it.
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Hello lovely, thank you for this. I am good thanks, and hope you are too xx

I know I haven’t contributed much here lately, but I have been reading along and loving the community we have. I laugh along regularly with some of the witty comments and advice. I’ve had a bit to contend with lately, which is why I’ve not had the headspace to contribute much. I’m still off dating apps and feeling better for it - especially when I read not much has changed at all with the behaviour we encounter

Belle are you me?! I’m in the exact same position as you. Lovely to see you on here again

 

[Sprottish]

I’ve just called it off with the guy I’ve been dating since January. As much as I try and convince myself, I can’t force myself to feel it. He’s typically everything I am looking for, can’t help feeling there is something wrong with me! He is communicative, good fun, plans nice things with me (we even went to Italy together last month), got his tit together and treated me well but it’s like something suddenly made me repulsed by him. poor fella. I knew things weren’t right because we were meant to be going to Edinburgh and I was thinking of every excuse to get out of it all week.

I do wonder if something in me just shuts off as soon as someone decent comes along

 

[al255]

I’ve just called it off with the guy I’ve been dating since January. As much as I try and convince myself, I can’t force myself to feel it. He’s typically everything I am looking for, can’t help feeling there is something wrong with me! He is communicative, good fun, plans nice things with me (we even went to Italy together last month), got his tit together and treated me well but it’s like something suddenly made me repulsed by him. poor fella. I knew things weren’t right because we were meant to be going to Edinburgh and I was thinking of every excuse to get out of it all week.

I do wonder if something in me just shuts off as soon as someone decent comes along

well done to you, it’s hard isn’t it!!! I really didn’t want to see my now ex bf tonight. And that’s when I realised I didn’t want to be with him!

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

Chatting to a match on bumble. He made a comment about me getting through some batteries as it’s been a while since my last relationship/date unmatch.

 

[Agent Cooper]

I’m totally in the “off the apps but reading this thread” camp with you @TillyMiffin @Belle123 Love the advice on this thread and the empowering atmosphere!

I’ve just called it off with the guy I’ve been dating since January. As much as I try and convince myself, I can’t force myself to feel it. He’s typically everything I am looking for, can’t help feeling there is something wrong with me! He is communicative, good fun, plans nice things with me (we even went to Italy together last month), got his tit together and treated me well but it’s like something suddenly made me repulsed by him. poor fella. I knew things weren’t right because we were meant to be going to Edinburgh and I was thinking of every excuse to get out of it all week.

I do wonder if something in me just shuts off as soon as someone decent comes along

If the spark isn’t there, it just isn’t there — there is nothing you can do about it! He might be a good guy, but he is not the right guy for you and that’s it. Well done for prioritising yourself and your feelings

Chatting to a match on bumble. He made a comment about me getting through some batteries as it’s been a while since my last relationship/date unmatch.

What a prick. I used to think Bumble was a bit better than Tinder but the posts on here seem to be proving the opposite.

 

[Ciaranicola]

I’ve just called it off with the guy I’ve been dating since January. As much as I try and convince myself, I can’t force myself to feel it. He’s typically everything I am looking for, can’t help feeling there is something wrong with me! He is communicative, good fun, plans nice things with me (we even went to Italy together last month), got his tit together and treated me well but it’s like something suddenly made me repulsed by him. poor fella. I knew things weren’t right because we were meant to be going to Edinburgh and I was thinking of every excuse to get out of it all week.

I do wonder if something in me just shuts off as soon as someone decent comes along

Long time lurker first time poster in this thread (i think!). Really relate to much of the issues that come up, as at 33 had been on 13 years of bad dates but this post really resonated with me.
I started seeing a guy last July and he was great from the get go, messaged every day (even laughed at how bad my communication style was and when I thought about it I had conditioned myself not to be responsive - sure hadnt I an ex ask me to see if I could go a day with out messaging!). he also made plans a few dates in advance, generous cute etc. Just an all round general nice guy ( without proclaiming it ). At times it made me anxious about how solid he was!

Fast forward a few months and moving out of the initial dating phase and the wheels totally came off in terms of my emotional regulation and the relationship. Anything I didn't like about him ( jeans, scent, face when he watched tv) sent me into ick central and really emotionally up and down. I'd work through one ick and another one would surface. My therapist discussed relationship ocd with me and when I looked it up alot of it related to me! Like wouldn't say I'm clinically ocd or anything like that. I would be out having drinks with him and obsess that we were not having as much fun as other couples, should we talk about politics/substantial issues more, etc. Mad stuff thinking back on it! Listened to a few podcasts about relationship ocd that I loved!
It was helpful but when the icks came I'd be so wound up trying to figure out whether I didn't like him or was it my anxious brain trying to run!
At Christmas I gave it alot of thought and was going to end it, but as I was such a coward we ended up still seeing each other and when other stressors in my life cleared up I suddenly just saw him completely different and I have relaxed into it and can safely say I'm falling hard for this guy!

I remember comparing myself to my friends who have been with their partners for years and worried I would never feel that way about him...literally seeing each other a wet minute! I had a panic attack on our first weekend away I was so overwhelmed.

Anyway I've been rambling but just want to say I remember a friend saying to mefalling in love for some peoples personalities/attachment styles isn't a big bang like the movies but rather a tough slog with a person to see if your lives align. So true for me! I remember sometimes I was avoiding ending it with him as I knew how bad the dating pool was and knew he was so solid and I'd be kicking myself if I let him go

I'm so glad I gave the nice guy a chance. @Sprottish sounds like you knew from the get go but just sharing my story Incase it resonates with anyone who gets the ick with the decent guys!

 

[xcyber]

Long time lurker first time poster in this thread (i think!). Really relate to much of the issues that come up, as at 33 had been on 13 years of bad dates but this post really resonated with me.
I started seeing a guy last July and he was great from the get go, messaged every day (even laughed at how bad my communication style was and when I thought about it I had conditioned myself not to be responsive - sure hadnt I an ex ask me to see if I could go a day with out messaging!). he also made plans a few dates in advance, generous cute etc. Just an all round general nice guy ( without proclaiming it ). At times it made me anxious about how solid he was!

Fast forward a few months and moving out of the initial dating phase and the wheels totally came off in terms of my emotional regulation and the relationship. Anything I didn't like about him ( jeans, scent, face when he watched tv) sent me into ick central and really emotionally up and down. I'd work through one ick and another one would surface. My therapist discussed relationship ocd with me and when I looked it up alot of it related to me! Like wouldn't say I'm clinically ocd or anything like that. I would be out having drinks with him and obsess that we were not having as much fun as other couples, should we talk about politics/substantial issues more, etc. Mad stuff thinking back on it! Listened to a few podcasts about relationship ocd that I loved!
It was helpful but when the icks came I'd be so wound up trying to figure out whether I didn't like him or was it my anxious brain trying to run!
At Christmas I gave it alot of thought and was going to end it, but as I was such a coward we ended up still seeing each other and when other stressors in my life cleared up I suddenly just saw him completely different and I have relaxed into it and can safely say I'm falling hard for this guy!

I remember comparing myself to my friends who have been with their partners for years and worried I would never feel that way about him...literally seeing each other a wet minute! I had a panic attack on our first weekend away I was so overwhelmed.

Anyway I've been rambling but just want to say I remember a friend saying to mefalling in love for some peoples personalities/attachment styles isn't a big bang like the movies but rather a tough slog with a person to see if your lives align. So true for me! I remember sometimes I was avoiding ending it with him as I knew how bad the dating pool was and knew he was so solid and I'd be kicking myself if I let him go

I'm so glad I gave the nice guy a chance. @Sprottish sounds like you knew from the get go but just sharing my story Incase it resonates with anyone who gets the ick with the decent guys!

Honestly, my story is the same. Took me I’d say 6 months to really appreciate my bf. And I kept getting the ick and having random moments of being repulsed by him . And it was perplexing but he was so easy to hangout with and I clearly did like him. After about 6-8 months something clicked and I am OBSESSED with this man now. It’s been a year and a half and I know we’ll get married and he is the only guy for me. It’s a weird one because I really didn’t think he was the one and I was going to discard it many times. I can only imagine there is some higher power that is watching over me and made sure I didn’t duck this up. Lol. But it is weird how stuff works out. He is hands out down the most perfect man for me, and I can be very annoying and moody at times and he doesn’t blink an eye!

 

[EddyDarling]

Anyone a bit fed up of men trying to initiate a date the same day or weekend?
I get not wasting time but I've always thought it comes across as a bit rude to assume someone is waiting around to be asked out or that women are happy to go from barely a hello to having full on drinks with someone.

 

[xcyber]

Anyone a bit fed up of men trying to initiate a date the same day or weekend?
I get not wasting time but I've always thought it comes across as a bit rude to assume someone is waiting around to be asked out or that women are happy to go from barely a hello to having full on drinks with someone.

This always makes me think of ‘The Rules’ and when it says never agree to a date Wednesday or after; a guy should always ask before then and you should never agree after. And I agree, don’t ASSUME I don’t have other plans you ASS.

 

[Ciaranicola]

Honestly, my story is the same. Took me I’d say 6 months to really appreciate my bf. And I kept getting the ick and having random moments of being repulsed by him . And it was perplexing but he was so easy to hangout with and I clearly did like him. After about 6-8 months something clicked and I am OBSESSED with this man now. It’s been a year and a half and I know we’ll get married and he is the only guy for me. It’s a weird one because I really didn’t think he was the one and I was going to discard it many times. I can only imagine there is some higher power that is watching over me and made sure I didn’t duck this up. Lol. But it is weird how stuff works out. He is hands out down the most perfect man for me, and I can be very annoying and moody at times and he doesn’t blink an eye!

Yes! Slow burners for the win!
So funny when I chat to friends about this and they recall similar feelings and I was like why don't people talk about this part of getting together with someone!
You just usually see the social media posts or the movies which are not so close to truth at all.

When ever I got disillusioned with apps I always told my self you never know who is about to come on the market! My current boyfriend was about 6 months out of relationship and just joined apps.

 

[xcyber]

Yes! Slow burners for the win!
So funny when I chat to friends about this and they recall similar feelings and I was like why don't people talk about this part of getting together with someone!
You just usually see the social media posts or the movies which are not so close to truth at all.

When ever I got disillusioned with apps I always told my self you never know who is about to come on the market! My current boyfriend was about 6 months out of relationship and just joined apps.

Honestly I’m always thinking about how someone needs to ‘raise awareness’ of the slow burn . But we’re conditioned into thinking it’s an immediate initial spark of nothing, but in my experience that tit always fizzles. The slow burn is so humbling, really puts a mirror up towards your own insecurities and flawed thought processes. Looking back I am a bit embarrassed at how I was but appreciate the growth! Anyway, I’m a MASSIVE advocate for the slow burn, I’ll launch a campaign soon. Lol

 

[Sprottish]

Oh @Ciaranicola and @xcyber now I’m frantically doubting myself interesting to read though. I stayed in a relationship with a lovely guy a few years back way longer than I should because he was nice to me, so I think I’m worried about getting into that territory again. I seem to dart between nice guy, hole, decent guy.

the irrational “icks” are what started this, the way he had his legs when he sat on his sofa (seriously ), the face he pulled when he was thinking, the high pitched squeak that came out of him once when he laughed. I do think I persevered a good few weeks though, because I’m fully aware that I reallllly don’t fancy the next person I get involved with to be an hole again

 

[Ciaranicola]

Oh @Ciaranicola and @xcyber now I’m frantically doubting myself interesting to read though. I stayed in a relationship with a lovely guy a few years back way longer than I should because he was nice to me, so I think I’m worried about getting into that territory again. I seem to dart between nice guy, hole, decent guy.

the irrational “icks” are what started this, the way he had his legs when he sat on his sofa (seriously ), the face he pulled when he was thinking, the high pitched squeak that came out of him once when he laughed. I do think I persevered a good few weeks though, because I’m fully aware that I reallllly don’t fancy the next person I get involved with to be an hole again

The irrational icks are the worst. Sometimes I'll get so annoyed at him when he walks with his hands in his pocket and I'll look down and realise my own hands are in my pockets to stay warm
Yes I think there is definitely a clear difference between someone who is just good to you vs good for you.sounds like you know the difference!

 

[xcyber]

Oh @Ciaranicola and @xcyber now I’m frantically doubting myself interesting to read though. I stayed in a relationship with a lovely guy a few years back way longer than I should because he was nice to me, so I think I’m worried about getting into that territory again. I seem to dart between nice guy, hole, decent guy.

the irrational “icks” are what started this, the way he had his legs when he sat on his sofa (seriously ), the face he pulled when he was thinking, the high pitched squeak that came out of him once when he laughed. I do think I persevered a good few weeks though, because I’m fully aware that I reallllly don’t fancy the next person I get involved with to be an hole again

Haha don’t! I think ultimately you have to enjoy being around them MORE than you do without them. That’s how I based my judgement. . Hence why I think it was a higher being out of my control because I’d have run off a long time ago.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

This always makes me think of ‘The Rules’ and when it says never agree to a date Wednesday or after; a guy should always ask before then and you should never agree after. And I agree, don’t ASSUME I don’t have other plans you ASS.

and it's so they can work out how easy it'll be to get your time and attention. i.e will you be a "challenge" (gag) and how much of your free time will I eventually get to occupy? (one sided of course)

 

[MrsInfortheNose]

Hi ladies. I’m new to this thread. I’ve joined for some support. I’m 3 months post break up from a 4 year relationship. I was completely blindsided by the break up I didn’t see it coming. Do you have any advice or guidance on how to heal from the hurt? Some days are easier than others but there are days where I just miss my ex so much and I want my life back. I feel like I’m starting again at 36 and it’s terrifying as I believed my ex was my happy ever after. Does anyone have similar stories to share to give me hope that I’ll get through this?

 

[SpindleWhorl]

Hi ladies. I’m new to this thread. I’ve joined for some support. I’m 3 months post break up from a 4 year relationship. I was completely blindsided by the break up I didn’t see it coming. Do you have any advice or guidance on how to heal from the hurt? Some days are easier than others but there are days where I just miss my ex so much and I want my life back. I feel like I’m starting again at 36 and it’s terrifying as I believed my ex was my happy ever after. Does anyone have similar stories to share to give me hope that I’ll get through this?

Took me about 6 months before i stopped dwelling on it at some point every day. It's been nearly 2 years now and still think about him sometimes.

 

[Sprottish]

Hi ladies. I’m new to this thread. I’ve joined for some support. I’m 3 months post break up from a 4 year relationship. I was completely blindsided by the break up I didn’t see it coming. Do you have any advice or guidance on how to heal from the hurt? Some days are easier than others but there are days where I just miss my ex so much and I want my life back. I feel like I’m starting again at 36 and it’s terrifying as I believed my ex was my happy ever after. Does anyone have similar stories to share to give me hope that I’ll get through this?

Sending you love

I’d say I’ve been through that properly gut wrenching “heartbreak” three times in my life…the kind where you think nothing will ever be okay again and you’ll never get through it.

honestly? I still think of those three people now and again. The most recent one most (obviously.) However, I take some comfort in the fact I’ve been through it three times. It shows me that you can love again as cliche as that sounds…when my 21 year old self never thought I’d get over that one, I obviously did. It will be okay.

 

[Thank(space)you]

I have a feeling my date Wednesday isn't going to happen. He's barely messaged me since last Wednesday, hasn't read my last message which I sent friday (had a question in the message, so not like he had nothing to respond to). Just disappointed.
Need to make sure I don't get sucked into the whole "nobody's ever going to love me/what's wrong with me" spiral of unhappiness. Dating is evaluating, I'm a lovely person and I will be a great partner, and if he doesn't want to meet then it just isn't meant to be.

 

[harveydean]

I have a feeling my date Wednesday isn't going to happen. He's barely messaged me since last Wednesday, hasn't read my last message which I sent friday (had a question in the message, so not like he had nothing to respond to). Just disappointed.
Need to make sure I don't get sucked into the whole "nobody's ever going to love me/what's wrong with me" spiral of unhappiness. Dating is evaluating, I'm a lovely person and I will be a great partner, and if he doesn't want to meet then it just isn't meant to be.

Seriously, his loss. Without trying to sound harsh, he might have met someone else and it’s actually no reflection on you. That’s ok - it’s a numbers game.

Go grab some chocolate and watch some trash on telly. When things like this happen, I’m always thankful I found out sooner rather than later. It sucks and it’s really rude of him, but it’s better to see his true colours now than wasting your time on a date, or months down the line…