Dating after lockdown #26 What in the bad episode of Hollyoaks is going on?

[xcyber]

omg same bought and decorated my house and i love it so much and it’s so pretty that the thought of some man stomping around here, being all manlike, actually turns my stomach.

Literally I was like NO MAN will be allowed to tarnish this flat with their presence

That's exactly my point...it's our safe place where we are happy.

Yeah I get that. I just think the point of @queenbees post was how guys are so tight and think we’d be fooled into thinking them making us a meal is so romantic and we should be grateful rather than actually taking us on a date. And then on top of that have us buy the ingredients . Like wow thank you so much, what a treat, let me thank you with a bj after.

 

[queenbees]

Yeah I get that. I just think the point of @queenbees post was how guys are so tight and think we’d be fooled into thinking them making us a meal is so romantic and we should be grateful rather than actually taking us on a date. And then on top of that have us buy the ingredients . Like wow thank you so much, what a treat, let me thank you with a bj after.

I was never inviting a stranger into my house , it was his suggestion because he didn’t want to go bowling and then told me to buy the food to which I told him to leave it off

 

[Clementine]

Yeah, 2023 won’t be the year for that low level minimal effort scuzziness.

 

[wibblywobblywoo]

Literally I was like NO MAN will be allowed to tarnish this flat with their presence


Yeah I get that. I just think the point of @queenbees post was how guys are so tight and think we’d be fooled into thinking them making us a meal is so romantic and we should be grateful rather than actually taking us on a date. And then on top of that have us buy the ingredients . Like wow thank you so much, what a treat, let me thank you with a bj after.

Not all men and tbh if you have boundaries in place these conversations wouldn’t happen. My first response to him changing a first date to my house wouldnt have involved further conversations...my response would've been no...I don't invite strange men to my home, was nice talking to you. All the best. He's made his intentions clear, he's not interest in dating but is happy to have a free meal! Nah! Bin!

 

[IGiveUp22]

I’m just baffled by what actually goes through these guys heads?? Like I wouldn’t dare invite myself round to someone’s house I’d never met - regardless of the safety side of things or anything, why would I want to go to someone’s place who I don’t know?! What if I didn’t like them?? It’s actually rude & then to top it off, there is no way I’d be like “I’m coming over, I’ll cook (in YOUR kitchen, using YOUR gas/electric) but YOU buy the food” wtf haha how can you think this is a good idea??

The audacity of men continues to surprise me

 

[wibblywobblywoo]

I’m just baffled by what actually goes through these guys heads?? Like I wouldn’t dare invite myself round to someone’s house I’d never met - regardless of the safety side of things or anything, why would I want to go to someone’s place who I don’t know?! What if I didn’t like them?? It’s actually rude & then to top it off, there is no way I’d be like “I’m coming over, I’ll cook (in YOUR kitchen, using YOUR gas/electric) but YOU buy the food” wtf haha how can you think this is a good idea??

The audacity of men continues to surprise me

It's called trying it on and assuming that some women have standards as low as his...
guaranteed this is his usual M O !

 

[IGiveUp22]

It's called trying it on and assuming that some women have standards as low as his...
guaranteed this is his usual M O !

Well I guess it must have worked for him before otherwise he wouldn’t do it would he??
The bar is literally in hell isn’t it

 

[mozzarellagirl]

The bleeping audacity of these men. People keep telling me to get my ex off his pedestal but I think I paid for dinner two or three times in our entire relationship, not for want of trying.

There's been a couple of people in this thread that have told you this - including myself.

Him paying for your dinner throughout your relationship means duck all after what he's done. This sentence alone highlights to me that you do still have him on a pedestal.

I really hope this gets better for you soon. Please lick your wounds as much as you need, I'll bleeping join it too but please stop giving him credit when he deserves duck all.

(How old are you btw? No problem if you don't want to share )

You do realise these men use this as a code for sex ? They invite themselves over under the guise of coming to cook you dinner or to have a coffee... it's concerning to me that your first reaction was that he's being tight rather than the fact you don't invite strangers into your safe space that you've met on a dating site. You don't know this man and keeping yourself safe should always be your first thought.

100%. If a man suggests first date at his or yours, he's only in it for sex. Can't even be fucked to take you to a restaurant for a plate of food before being utterly audacious.

It's the way they test your boundaries too. See how "easy" it'll be for them to get you into bed. First green light is agreeing to have them over or to go to theirs. This is what I was saying about Mary - some people in the thread were irritated by what I said but this is what they do. It's not a reflection on us nor was I judging mary. But pointing out the calculated ways men try to work our how quickly or slowly we'll let them into bed with us.

I don't let men round mine until after weeks of dating and even then they don't stay over nor do I sleep with them - I've been burnt too many times to do otherwise now. My boundaries are solid now. You can come for two hours and then duck off - I need to sage the place.

 

[xcyber]

Not all men and tbh if you have boundaries in place these conversations wouldn’t happen. My first response to him changing a first date to my house wouldnt have involved further conversations...my response would've been no...I don't invite strange men to my home, was nice talking to you. All the best. He's made his intentions clear, he's not interest in dating but is happy to have a free meal! Nah! Bin!

I think it’s a little unfair to suggest that men make these suggestions because we don’t have boundaries! I personally had a very ‘take no tit’ attitude to men and I too was offered by guys to ‘come over and make dinner’ or ‘let’s chill at yours’. A lot of guys are changers and will try their luck regardless. It’s not a reflection of me what a guy might suggest. It’s a reflection of me if I choose to accept that offer tho.

 

[wibblywobblywoo]

I think it’s a little unfair to suggest that men make these suggestions because we don’t have boundaries! I personally had a very ‘take no tit’ attitude to men and I too was offered by guys to ‘come over and make dinner’ or ‘let’s chill at yours’. A lot of guys are changers and will try their luck regardless. It’s not a reflection of me what a guy might suggest. It’s a reflection of me if I choose to accept that offer tho.

My point about boundaries was to not continue to converse with him once he'd made his offer to come over. A direct no and end to the conversation.

 

[xcyber]

My point about boundaries was to not continue to converse with him once he'd made his offer to come over. A direct no and end to the conversation.

Oh right yeah ofc. Tbh men being too forward literally gives me the ick. It’s like I lose any respect for them immediately. Same with sex chat before meeting. Literal ick.

 

[wibblywobblywoo]

Oh right yeah ofc. Tbh men being too forward literally gives me the ick. It’s like I lose any respect for them immediately. Same with sex chat before meeting. Literal ick.

I'm right there with you on that..immediate eye roll and a sense of disappointment. Why would they imagine that a first date at my house with me providing the food and obviously the entertainment would be a remotely attractive proposition !

It's lazy and it's rude and it shows me that they don't think I'm worth more! Wrong!!!

 

[mozzarellagirl]

That's exactly my point...it's our safe place where we are happy.

yes the thought of some strange man (who will most likely hurt me in some way) even just step into my bedroom - let alone stay - makes me feel rage! clean the sheets, open the window, burn the bed frame.

*holding knife* get the duck away from my safe place... mine

________________________________________

Also can we eliminate "Not all Men" from this chat. Makes me feel rage. It feels like gaslighting when you can easily click on any public facebook, insta or reddit page and see how comfortably men talk about hating women and treating us like holes. They encourage each other too.

The men that are on on male dating threads aren't typing "Not all women!". It's horrific what they are typing.

Women are never allowed to simply talk about their frustrations with men - there's always someone ready to jump in to defend them. But men can say whatever and do whatever the duck they want to us and it's silence.

 

[wibblywobblywoo]

'Not all men' in reference to men using the dating apps ...

Just so we are clear we don't use that phrase in reference to dating.

 

[Jadejones9596]

The bleeping audacity of these men. People keep telling me to get my ex off his pedestal but I think I paid for dinner two or three times in our entire relationship, not for want of trying.

Bad day today. My plans have cancelled and up until five minutes ago Saturday was the day my ex would have walked through the door an hour earlier than I expected shouting, "Sorry I'm early, I just got too excited to see you! Look how beautiful you are!" and we'd have gone and had a nice day out, gone for dinner and just laughed for the entire weekend. Or we'd go to a gig and he'd say how proud he was to be seen with me, and how lucky he was to have such a clever, attractive, funny girlfriend.

Now I get to sit on my own with my cats while he replaces me with a woman he didn't like the first time round coz he's a bleeping coward who can't stand up to his crappy aggro family, and I fend off the advances of fuckboys who expect me to deliver myself to their doorstep wrapped in a bow for some mediocre sex like they're doing me a favour. Joy. I'd rather tit in my hands and clap.

Solo hobbies are hard at the moment. Everything feels bleeping bleak generally and everything I had to look forward is gone. We move in a relatively small scene (where sadly, 95% of the men are trolls and underachievers) of gigs and festivals so my plans still exist, just with the humiliation of seeing him with her. The last decade of my life has been a tit sandwich and I wish I could just lay down and will myself out of existence.

I know this feeling. You aren’t alone! Sending lots of love xx

 

[wibblywobblywoo]

I think in the context of what was being said my use of 'not all men' was in reference to the fact there are men who do make an effort for first dates and don't do the invite themselves over . It's a sweeping statement to make that all men on the apps behave in a crappy manner because an awful lot don't too.. I absolutely understand the point you are making however.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

I think in the context of what was being said my use of 'not all men' was in reference to the fact there are men who do make an effort for first dates and don't do the invite themselves over . It's a sweeping statement to make that all men on the apps behave in a crappy manner because an awful lot don't too.. I absolutely understand the point you are making however.

Totally hear you, but I think everyone on this thread knows that it's not every. single. man. in the world. But it's more than most, nearly all etc and to some women, in their experience it has been all of them.

 

[Clementine]

It’s the men that are mostly spoken about in this thread, let’s face it. The guy I was recently dating was a perfect gentleman on our first/second date. Fast forward a few months later and he was quite content to just come to mine instead of going out because it’s too cold and it would be different in the summer. Emphasis on the was dating.

 

[wibblywobblywoo]

Totally hear you, but I think everyone on this thread knows that it's not every. single. man. in the world. But it's more than most, nearly all etc and to some women, in their experience it has been all of them.

And definitely it's become the norm recently...

 

[Sofie]

The bleeping audacity of these men. People keep telling me to get my ex off his pedestal but I think I paid for dinner two or three times in our entire relationship, not for want of trying.

Bad day today. My plans have cancelled and up until five minutes ago Saturday was the day my ex would have walked through the door an hour earlier than I expected shouting, "Sorry I'm early, I just got too excited to see you! Look how beautiful you are!" and we'd have gone and had a nice day out, gone for dinner and just laughed for the entire weekend. Or we'd go to a gig and he'd say how proud he was to be seen with me, and how lucky he was to have such a clever, attractive, funny girlfriend.

Now I get to sit on my own with my cats while he replaces me with a woman he didn't like the first time round coz he's a bleeping coward who can't stand up to his crappy aggro family, and I fend off the advances of fuckboys who expect me to deliver myself to their doorstep wrapped in a bow for some mediocre sex like they're doing me a favour. Joy. I'd rather tit in my hands and clap.

Solo hobbies are hard at the moment. Everything feels bleeping bleak generally and everything I had to look forward is gone. We move in a relatively small scene (where sadly, 95% of the men are trolls and underachievers) of gigs and festivals so my plans still exist, just with the humiliation of seeing him with her. The last decade of my life has been a tit sandwich and I wish I could just lay down and will myself out of existence.

I m sorry to hear today is difficult for you but I think it s because your plans got cancelled which has thrown you in to a bit of a spin.

Reading your post, the contrast from him being happy to have you in his life to deciding to let you go is extreme and so very hard to understand, however, the dude, one day consciously sat down and made the decision to leave the relationship. His reasons for leaving are difficult to understand but I really don t think they have anything to do with you, I think he is controlled by the mother of his children and is too weak to manage things when she kicks off. None of this is your fault, he is in a messy, awful, sad situation and you are now free from all the madness.

I do understand how you feel, heartbreak is truly awful but believe me when I say you will get through this, life will get better again for you but it will take time. I was deeply in love with my ex, (and he wasn t perfect) we had a good life together and were very compatible but I found out he cheated on me and also that he was very interested in a mutual friend of ours. I was heartbroken. Now I look back and I understand we are in fact very different people and that he is a complex and complicated man, at the end of the day we were just not meant to be together. Although single I am now happier than ever and life is good again.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you.