Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[LaBlonde]

I’m terrible at remembering user names but how is ‘Thursday date man/three dates man’ lady? Xx

that’s @al255! tagged her so she can see you were asking after her

 

[TillyMiffin]

that’s @al255! tagged her so she can see you were asking after her

Thank you! I knew it was Al something xx

 

[al255]

that’s @al255! tagged her so she can see you were asking after her

Omg, sorry I’ve been MIA!! I didn’t even realise fully we had a new thread thank you for asking over me Tilly xx

So I decided to delete M and keep him deleted, the guy who wanted to see me Thursday I kept him in my phone and he’s changed his WhatsApp profile photo to him posing in the mirror with no top onI’ve deleted him now! EW. Major ICK!!!!

Anyway I’ve decided to have a break from the apps for a month or so. I realised I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind for dating and gunna enjoy a hot gal summer with my friends

 

[Sandor]

Thank you so much! I have just felt so unsure whether I should tell him I’m done, rather than just disappear without a trace. Not because I want a crack at changing his mind , but in order to really draw a line? Did you directly tell your guy you were done or just stop chatting? x

I feel like maybe you need to so he doesn’t just think it’s a natural break in messages? if you hear from him, are you likely to respond?

I did get to say I was done but I guess because of the conversation we were having (or rather the rants that were coming at me)I had that opening to say something. I probably could have come up with something better but i said ‘I’m out, take care’ and then have ignored his messages since. Of which there have been many

I’ll be civil if we cross paths at work but my move to the other project was approved so that’s alleviated some of my fears! And I think we’ve only got them contracted for another five weeks as we’re on schedule so I just have to get through this part.

 

[TillyMiffin]

Omg, sorry I’ve been MIA!! I didn’t even realise fully we had a new thread thank you for asking over me Tilly xx

So I decided to delete M and keep him deleted, the guy who wanted to see me Thursday I kept him in my phone and he’s changed his WhatsApp profile photo to him posing in the mirror with no top onI’ve deleted him now! EW. Major ICK!!!!

Anyway I’ve decided to have a break from the apps for a month or so. I realised I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind for dating and gunna enjoy a hot gal summer with my friends

That sounds very wise! glad you’re ok xx

 

[Belle123]

I feel like maybe you need to so he doesn’t just think it’s a natural break in messages? if you hear from him, are you likely to respond?

I did get to say I was done but I guess because of the conversation we were having (or rather the rants that were coming at me)I had that opening to say something. I probably could have come up with something better but i said ‘I’m out, take care’ and then have ignored his messages since. Of which there have been many

I’ll be civil if we cross paths at work but my move to the other project was approved so that’s alleviated some of my fears! And I think we’ve only got them contracted for another five weeks as we’re on schedule so I just have to get through this part.

Thank you. Those were my thoughts too, but the irony right now is that he left my last reply the other day on read, even though he initiated the conversation This is what’s telling me there’s a pull back since seeing the ex. He hasn’t done this to me before. He’s obviously having another emotional wobble, which is understandable between this and the other things going on, but it doesn’t excuse rudeness. Tired of it.

A big part of me wants to leave it now. If he contacts me, I can judge what to say then. If he’s not going to do that, he’s made my job a lot easier, and I don’t need to explain a thing. I can always blame his rudeness if he queries my silence I’ve typed out what I wanted to say and that action alone has made me feel better. I can always send it to him if he does contact me, and I need to cut it off in a more direct way.

I can see how he made it easy for you to tell him straight that you’re done, and I can well believe he’s not leaving you alone, after all he said! Why do they think we’re responsible for easing their guilt?! I’m glad the plan with work is coming good and you can get some space soon x

 

[Sandor]

@Belle123 maybe just leave it for now then. I sometimes think it helps to tell yourself you’re not good for the other person, like a reverse psychology that somehow you’re doing it for them. And that’s why you’re leaving them alone.

I’ll give in and read the messages at some point. Because I’m human and I’m nosy. I’ve seen a bit in the previews as they’ve come through and genuinely think he is sorry. Can I forgive him? Of course. Does that mean he gets another chance? Absolutely not. Some of what he said has hit me today. I don’t even know how to process the idea that someone is angry at themselves and me because they love me and want to look after me, as if that’s my problem. I don’t actually think selfishness is inherently bad but to actively choose to do it when you’re instinct is to do the opposite is so bizarre. It’s such a complete emotional immaturity, and that’s something people can only change for themselves.

The weirdest thing is on paper I would never had described him as my type. I don’t even know who or what I’m attracted to now My sister’s adamant I still need a Viking and I will not be content until I find one.

 

[dreamteam1]

Wtf is this ‘Feral Girl Summer’ discussed in the media?

 

[Jadejones9596]

I actually think this date tomorrow might bloody happen!
The nerves are starting to settle in gals! Somewhat excited but the closet it gets the more nervy I feel...eeeek x

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Wtf is this ‘Feral Girl Summer’ discussed in the media?

No doubt to encourage us girls & women to put out for losers & chancers. We're getting too wise? Seriously no idea.
I too had no idea there was a new thread. I thought we'd all reached the zenith of despair over these strangely emotionally mixed up guys we seem to attract!
@Belle123 when in the past I was in a confusing situation, which was a lot! I would give myself a date to tit or get off the pot.
Also a for & against sheet to work out just why I was staying with something if it was heavily "bad" in the balance sheet.
I too don't want you to get hurt or hurt now but I'm so grateful that people like you who are so sensitive and compassionate, exist in this increasingly selfish world.
You take care.

 

[Clairer86]

Hi guys, quite new on this thread.
I was just wondering how you all cope with being ghosted? As its just happened to me- on monday even though we were absolutely fine on Sunday! This is someone i have been seeing for 1 month, everything was going well, i actually opened up to him and he did to me regarding our mental health, we got on so well- it was him who said how well we got on and that he hasnt got on this well with anyone.
We both have mental health issues- i have both BPD and Bipolar2, and he has quite severe depression. He told me that when he has a depressive episode he goes off the radar for a few days and said the last time it happened (before i met him) no one could get hold of him for 5 days and his boss had to ring his best friend up and his friend had to go to his house. Anyway, Sunday he seemed fine we didnt argue or anything and we were looking forward to this week. On Monday i text him as normal, didnt hear anything all day, and then i text again in the evening and he said he wasnt at work and was feeling "badly" and down and in a depressive episode. I text saying if he wanted to chat then i am always here and i hope he feels better soon. And i text him this morning and no reply. So i have no idea if he is ghosting me, or whether he is feeling down. Either way its not nice and i feel im being ghosted. Plus the fact i have BPD and Bipolar2 means i do feel things more intensely than other people, so the not knowing is killing me. I just feel so confused.
So how do you all cope? Extra points for others who also have BPD tell me how you deal with it as we know what we are like and how our BPD impacts on relationships!!

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Hi and welcome @Clairer86 . Give him a bit of time to see if he comes around but I'd say be firm now before it becomes a habit you put up with. Say we all have days when we're stressed out and don't want to talk but you need a message to let you know he is going off grid. I think you'll find this will be his character and it's up to you whether you can accept it BPD or not.
If he's ghosting you then this is probably the worst type of behaviour for a BPD sufferer.
Sorry I don't have any really useful advice but put yourself first because you need to be careful.

 

[Belle123]

@Belle123 maybe just leave it for now then. I sometimes think it helps to tell yourself you’re not good for the other person, like a reverse psychology that somehow you’re doing it for them. And that’s why you’re leaving them alone.

I’ll give in and read the messages at some point. Because I’m human and I’m nosy. I’ve seen a bit in the previews as they’ve come through and genuinely think he is sorry. Can I forgive him? Of course. Does that mean he gets another chance? Absolutely not. Some of what he said has hit me today. I don’t even know how to process the idea that someone is angry at themselves and me because they love me and want to look after me, as if that’s my problem. I don’t actually think selfishness is inherently bad but to actively choose to do it when you’re instinct is to do the opposite is so bizarre. It’s such a complete emotional immaturity, and that’s something people can only change for themselves.

The weirdest thing is on paper I would never had described him as my type. I don’t even know who or what I’m attracted to now My sister’s adamant I still need a Viking and I will not be content until I find one.

That’s a good way of thinking about it. I’m feeling good about it actually, like he’s made the decision for me in some weird way, even though that’s not what’s going on. His behaviour is very much to do with him and his emotional overload right now, and nothing to do with me. He had a real blow with something unrelated to the divorce last week as well, that just adds to his stress when he really needs the very opposite right now. The guy can’t catch a break. Objectively, I really feel for him. I can still be human about it and sympathise, but I do understand it’s very much not my problem. It’s not my problem he can’t answer my message and show his ‘friend’ - the woman he desperately wanted to keep in touch with, who means an enormous amount to him blah blah blah - courtesy. I’m channeling my energy at me and not him. I’ve just bought myself a bunch of flowers and some treats for the bank holiday weekend and putting on my positive pants

You needed to go through this with him to really decide love isn’t enough; he has issues to work through and it’s a barrier to a healthy relationship. It’s sad, but now it’s at some sort of conclusion, you can walk away with no doubts in your head. That’s the thing we need to get to that in order to let go - if letting go becomes the only option on the table. A connection is a connection and it’s not for anyone but you to decide on how you want to deal with it. Having your eyes wide open and being in control of ourselves is the key to dealing with it. I’ve always been prepared to take any hurt to me on the chin xx

No doubt to encourage us girls & women to put out for losers & chancers. We're getting too wise? Seriously no idea.
I too had no idea there was a new thread. I thought we'd all reached the zenith of despair over these strangely emotionally mixed up guys we seem to attract!
@Belle123 when in the past I was in a confusing situation, which was a lot! I would give myself a date to tit or get off the pot.
Also a for & against sheet to work out just why I was staying with something if it was heavily "bad" in the balance sheet.
I too don't want you to get hurt or hurt now but I'm so grateful that people like you who are so sensitive and compassionate, exist in this increasingly selfish world.
You take care.

Thank you so much, that’s such a lovely thing to say. I love how straight but compassionate you are. You really do care about us all and impart such wise words and advice. I do think he’s certainly struggling (it’s not for unqualified me to decide if it’s hovering nearer to depression) and the horrible thing is not being able to do anything - he has to do it for himself. You shut people out when you’re in that zone and it’s hard not to be affected even from afar. I realise I care too much sometimes. That’s my cross to bear, though, but I have to consciously remember to look after myself xx

 

[Agent Cooper]

I was just wondering how you all cope with being ghosted?

Hi and welcome to this thread! One thing I’ve learned from my time on the apps is the importance of putting yourself first. No matter how much you like the guy, never compromise your comfort. Do not put your eggs in one basket. Do not think the guy you are dating is ‘Mr. Right’ until he actually proves to be one. Actions matter more than words do. Most guys you meet will be great talkers and try to love bomb you in order to earn your trust. I usually presume they are texting someone else as well as me; in 90% of cases it turns out to be true.

However, always remember that you are special and deserve someone who will appreciate you and your time. Do not ignore any red flags and block people who make you feel uncomfortable or unsure. A lot of us on here have been ghosted. Ghosters tend to fall off your radar and then resurface with a ‘Hi, how are you doing?’ as if nothing had happened. In this case it’s important to set your boundaries and straight up tell them what kind of behavior you will and will not tolerate.

Considering the person you are seeing warned you about laying low during his depressive episodes, you might want to cut him some slack and just ask whether he wants to keep on talking. If he does not reply, time to move on. If he is on a dating app (I assume, I don’t think you mentioned where you two met), it means he wants to date and thus should be ready to put some effort into it. We are not free therapists for people we date - I know it might sound cynical, but it’s something I learned the hard way.

Hope this helps and good luck!

 

[Belle123]

Hi guys, quite new on this thread.
I was just wondering how you all cope with being ghosted? As its just happened to me- on monday even though we were absolutely fine on Sunday! This is someone i have been seeing for 1 month, everything was going well, i actually opened up to him and he did to me regarding our mental health, we got on so well- it was him who said how well we got on and that he hasnt got on this well with anyone.
We both have mental health issues- i have both BPD and Bipolar2, and he has quite severe depression. He told me that when he has a depressive episode he goes off the radar for a few days and said the last time it happened (before i met him) no one could get hold of him for 5 days and his boss had to ring his best friend up and his friend had to go to his house. Anyway, Sunday he seemed fine we didnt argue or anything and we were looking forward to this week. On Monday i text him as normal, didnt hear anything all day, and then i text again in the evening and he said he wasnt at work and was feeling "badly" and down and in a depressive episode. I text saying if he wanted to chat then i am always here and i hope he feels better soon. And i text him this morning and no reply. So i have no idea if he is ghosting me, or whether he is feeling down. Either way its not nice and i feel im being ghosted. Plus the fact i have BPD and Bipolar2 means i do feel things more intensely than other people, so the not knowing is killing me. I just feel so confused.
So how do you all cope? Extra points for others who also have BPD tell me how you deal with it as we know what we are like and how our BPD impacts on relationships!!

It’s very hard to know if it’s true ghosting. If he is genuinely depressed and going through an episode, I don’t think he’s deliberately ghosting you. If he’s having an episode, he’s gone in on himself and is pushing everyone away - it’s not personal to you. As you undoubtedly know, depression is a very tricky illness. He may be lethargic, even finding basic tasks like washing and cooking a real chore. I don’t know how bad he is and what his symptoms are, but tiredness and feeling ‘numb’ are common.

You have a choice here about whether you can, and want to, handle this on top of your own mental health issues. What I’d hate is for it to trigger you. I’d say to leave him to it. You’ve shown him you care and now - and this is the hard part - step back. It’s been a month and it’s too early to be pulled into being his no.1 worrier, blowing up his phone with anxious messages. You’re also not responsible for him and in no way is it for you to take on any burden of worrying about him. Very hard when you feel things more intensely. You’ve articulated very clearly how things impact on you and that you “do feel things more intensely than other people, so the not knowing is killing me”. Too many messages may push him away more because he’ll be overwhelmed.

He can’t handle his own emotions right now, so cannot take yours on. You basically have to be the strong one, realise this is not about you and try and keep your emotions/impulses under control as best you can. It’s definitely not easy. What I’d suggest is you become conscious of what you’re feeling and why - for example, if you feel the need to reach out, is it through genuine concern or to soothe your anxieties? Be intentional in your actions.

I’m not trying to put anything in your head, but I’m slightly cynical that, no sooner than you open up about this, he goes into an episode. I cannot speak for him, but depression doesn’t generally really work like that. Not if it’s managed properly. He may be having a bad time, and he genuinely has gone into an episode.

With all of this weighed up, it’s entirely up to you how you proceed. It’s very difficult to treat this as you would a normal ghoster, because he has explained he’s having an episode. I think the benefit of the doubt comes into it. My suggestion, for what it’s worth, is to not text again for at least a few more days, because you’ve been in touch recently. If he’s not been in touch by then, send him a check-in message that you just want him to know you’re thinking of him and you’re there when he’s ready to reach out. Tell him you’ll text again in a few days to check-in, unless he lets you know he doesn’t want that. It’s a way to show support without being overwhelming, but it gives him a chance to say no if that’s not what he wants. Set a time limit for how long you’ll wait for a reply. If it goes into a week or two with nothing, it may be actual ghosting. Otherwise, if you think it is genuine depression, start considering whether this is something you can deal with longer-term if you continued dating him. Check in with how you feel and what you want. Look after yourself and don’t proceed with anything that compromises you and your own health

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

So my date for tomorrow night has messaged this morning saying he has a headache and he hopes the paracetamol work ..... and soo it begins !

Did the date happen? @Bagpuss7

 

[Bagpuss7]

Did the date happen? @Bagpuss7

Sure didn't! He's asked to rearrange and because I'm 'nice ' I said I would get back to him! I won't be!

And this was the reply to Saturday date guy yesterday after he'd gone 'quiet ' since Monday ...


"Hi, sorry for keeping you waiting. I've not had a good few days and dont want to ruin your weekend.
Think it's best to keep myself to myself if I'm back to feeling low again. Sorry for wasting your time here, but I hope you can enjoy the weekend properly x "

No idea if he's telling the truth especially as he was sooo keen to see me again when we chatted at length on the weekend. I just responded with a "take care"... He won't be getting another chance either!

I completely agree that we shouldn't keep giving these men 2nd chances but sometimes I'm willing them to prove me wrong but as is the case with these 2 nothing has changed! I don't understand why they pretend otherwise? Is it just simply a case of them testing the waters for an ego boost ? It baffles me tbh. And fyi they are both decent guys but not for me and I've realised that again.


Just wanted to add I'm chatting to another guy off Tinder, he's not my usual type physically but he's consistent with his comms and he really makes me laugh when we talk on the phone so we will see where it leads ...as always I'm keeping my expectations low!!!

Edited to add this delight !

Hello darling, would you like to have me as your sub xx



My first message on Tinder this morning..not even had a coffee yet !

 

[BunnyLebowski]

How’s everyone this bank holiday weekend? It’s a bit weird having nothing to do but I have a potential Sunday date with Tennis boy. I did briefly meet him before but he met me at 3pm after a boozy brunch and was just too full on. I left the date saying, I’m not doing this as you’ve been drinking. I was expecting a load of abuse for walking out but he was mortified and very apologetic.

Anyway, maybe this is madness but I’m giving him another chance. We’ve been chatting since and he has been very gracious in owning his mistake.

I hope you guys have lovely weekends and come back here is you need company xxx

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Bagpuss7 And they say women are the weaker sex and too emotional!
By the way, you sound such a lovely character, I agree no second chances to these droopy, drippy, dithery don't shows (albeit them being "nice") Nice doesn't cut it anymore!!!

Also the arrogance that he doesn't want to ruin your weekend. What power he exerts!

 

[IGiveUp22]

I went into my town today to go shopping and out of all the people I should bump into I had to see the guy I was dating & the new girl he quickly got together with after luckily I looked quite nice haha but still. WHY?! I suppose it was inevitable that it would happen at some point but it’s just made me feel a bit down again
he saw me, said something like “oh tit” & turned away towards her & said something, presume it was along the lines of that’s who I was seeing before you & she said “is it” & started laughing … I said very loudly as I walked past “bleeping disgusting” I thought I’d regret it but I don’t. I feel like I’ve been extremely dignified throughout it all, never sent any paragraphs or stuff when I find out he’d moved on so quick. Was just not nice seeing it in the flesh as much as I don’t even want to go anywhere near him ever again it’s still just rubbish how it all happened & how it’s left me questioning my self-worth Just hope karma comes around for them soon enough
hope everyone is having a lovely bank holiday xx