Perfectly put!He sounds lovely
A few years ago I would of done the same as you and told the girlfriend.
I wouldn’t bother now. They always get found out eventually, and a lot of the time there is a temporary split before they get back together again. It’s wasting your own energy by involving yourself tbh. I get that he was the one involving you by him being on a dating site and messaging you, but I just think in hindsight you’d feel crap whatever the outcome. If they stay together you won’t feel great, especially if you’re painted out to be some crazy freak causing trouble (highly likely by him) and if they do split, then you’ve played a role in it, a role which inevitably wasn’t needed because he would get caught eventually. I can see why you’d think you were doing her a favour, but a lot of people would see it as you’re just scorned.
Protect number 1 is my motto (never used to be, I would do all sorts without ever considering the outcome, but you definitely live and learn)
Again you’ve put into words what I was thinking!I think you have to be very careful how you set yourself up as judge and jury based on a week of chatting especially as we all know a lot of these men talk absolute nonsense and a lot of them have swallowed the blarney stone with regards to gushing about how beautiful someone is based off a few pics on Tinder! Not knowing if there were children in the house or if there were other reasons within the relationship why he or she is online chatting to strangers such as illness etc.. I don't disagree that we shouldn't be in the dark about ' cheating ' partners but I think sometimes it's a line you cross cautiously especially if there could be children involved.
That’s kind of my point- it isn’t your issue, like the others have said I don’t think I would have given him any more time & negative headspace. I agree totally he’s in the wrong but I feel in doing this you might have upset your own equilibrium.So even if there was kids involved I’d have told her. I’m an honest person and I’d want to know! I know some wouldn’t agree but with this I’m glad I did tell her. She was thankful. Anyway not my issue!
I felt sorry for her to be honest and I’m glad I told her. I’ve been cheated on in the past and it’s awful but I was always glad I wasn’t left in the dark about it xThat’s kind of my point- it isn’t your issue, like the others have said I don’t think I would have given him any more time & negative headspace. I agree totally he’s in the wrong but I feel in doing this you might have upset your own equilibrium.
The fact that this woman has blocked you on socials would lead me to believe she knew about you and was with him in an affair of sorts, then once you finished they became official as such.This is something that’s been circling round my head a lot over the last 6 months.
I was with my ex for a year, we broke up in December. There was absolutely no sign at all for me he was seeing anyone else. He was open about me with his friends/family, met my friends and family, he was flaky but I had no inclination it was to do with another woman.
He too called me another name on a number of occasions. I asked him about who this person was. He fed me a totally whole convoluted story and I thought nothing of it again.
A week after we split, he spent Christmas with a woman (we had planned to spend Christmas together) and I was confused. He put this all over his social media. A bit of digging a few weeks later and yes - he is with a woman with the name that he called me (and he still is, as far as I am aware. I haven’t looked at his social media in months). The last I saw, he even had the audacity to put “in a relationship with x since x” - the exact month I had met him 12 months prior - public, so I can see it despite not even being his friend.
I was absolutely heartbroken and confused. My initial instinct was of course to message this woman. He made it SO easy - he splashed her all over everything! Why, I’ll never understand - maybe he wants me to retaliate.
What is interesting is that she has blocked me. I have never had any correspondence with her, she would not know who I am from anything I have done. I don’t feature on his social media at all anymore. Which of course means that he has clearly told her a pack of lies about me. Do I want to set her straight and show her all the evidence that I was very much in a relationship with him too? Absolutely. I want to clear my name and call him out for the piece of shit he is.
But what is it going to achieve? He has clearly set the groundwork for me to be something I’m not. By the way, this guy got in touch with me a few times weeks after we split, wanting to meet up and carry on as we were. He would have carried on this facade for as long as he could get away with it - he did it seamlessly for a year so I have no doubt could still he doing it now with both of us clueless.
I’m not saying this to spite this woman - does she deserve to know? Yes absolutely. But I don’t deserve to be dragged through the mud and be part of some toxic warped situation. He knows the truth and so do I. I’m not trying to be a martyr, literally just saving myself from the agony or hurt of being the scorned woman who he “didn’t pick.”
I have no ill feeling toward her and sometimes I do feel guilty that I haven’t told her - but I have a strong suspicion she wouldn’t believe me if I did, and I don’t want any chance for this complete arsehole to make up a pack of lies about me.
They will come unstuck in the end, and if they don’t well, so be it. Selfishly, I don’t want any part of it. Reading all these perspectives does make me panic slightly that I should get in touch with her (my sister was of the immediate opinion that I should absolutely message her) but in what way will it make me feel good at all?
There's also the possibility that it's him that has gone into her account and blocked you and not her ! More often than not these women are innocent parties too and imo don't deserve to have their worlds torn apart by some random woman who has been on the scene just chatting for a week or two. These men usually come unstuck in the end. I'm not one for causing others pain just because I'm hurting and to me it's very very relevant if there are children in the picture, what right do I have to destroy their world after a few text messages with their father ? Do I agree these men are pieces of shit ? Absolutely!The fact that this woman has blocked you on socials would lead me to believe she knew about you and was with him in an affair of sorts, then once you finished they became official as such.
Don't message her, it's your past, move on and stop thinking of them both.
I think it's important to keep in mind that you're not the one destroying someone's world by telling a woman her partner is shady. That is his doing, he is the one that betrayed his partner after all.There's also the possibility that it's him that has gone into her account and blocked you and not her ! More often than not these women are innocent parties too and imo don't deserve to have their worlds torn apart by some random woman who has been on the scene just chatting for a week or two. These men usually come unstuck in the end. I'm not one for causing others pain just because I'm hurting and to me it's very very relevant if there are children in the picture, what right do I have to destroy their world after a few text messages with their father ? Do I agree these men are pieces of shit ? Absolutely!
I don't think the reasons for telling the wife or gf ever comes from a place of sisterhood tbh, I think it's more from hurt and spite towards the man but that's just my opinion
I needed to know those rules today..Very very good advice for most situations in life. (Including Apps men)Second pic is my current state of health. Evaded the bugger for over two years & then bang it got me.
Amen! Good advice indeed!Very very good advice for most situations in life. (Including Apps men)Second pic is my current state of health. Evaded the bugger for over two years & then bang it got me.
How are things with you and yours @candyland_ ?I needed to know those rules today..
Hope you’re feeling OK.
I have done the exact same. I matched a guy on Tinder years ago and we met up and went on a drive etc. He picked me up. I facebook searched him from his Snap name and saw he was in a full blown relationship to the point she’d actually just bought the car he came to pick me up in! He was even using a completely different snap to his usual one to get away with all this. I told her and to be honest she was really annoying as he denied it all and said he was being “set up” and even though I could tell her loads of stuff about him, what car, what he was wearing etc it took AGES for her to believe me which actually annoyed me by the end because I was having to convince her even though I couldn’t care less if she stayed with him. Eventually she did accept it and broke up with himI felt sorry for her to be honest and I’m glad I told her. I’ve been cheated on in the past and it’s awful but I was always glad I wasn’t left in the dark about it x
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