Ooh thank you! Is my prize a years subscription to Bumble?Congratulations to @TillyMiffin on the winning thread title. Bit of a mixed bag in the last thread, sadly the frustrations outweighed the successes, and some apathy has set in but there seems to be a lot more recognition of self worth and not putting up with subpar behaviour which can only be applauded.
I was thinking about this (or day dreaming lol) earlier today. Manifesting. It’s worked for me in the past on a few things but I’m still on the fence about it. However, I’m going to give it a go. My daughter bought a nice notepad earlier so going to get myself the same one. I have in my head what I want, I’m going to write it downI’ve been inspired by the last thread in which someone mentioned manifestation. I did do this last year and met someone who ticked all of my boxes but I just didn’t click with. And he ended up acting in an odd way. (Christmas man) so maybe it’s not foolproof! But it’s worth a go right? I’m starting a strict meal replacement diet after half term, I’ve put so much weight on in last two years and I’m at the point that it’s making me unhappy. So heading into summer feeling a bit more optimistic. Come on my lovelies, let’s leave the ghosters, waste of time chatters, slow faders, indecisive idiots behind and raise our collective bar! Manifest what we want and raise our standards so that when we do let someone into our lives we make sure they’re worthy of us
Appreciate your comments and there’s a lot of truth here. He’s not feeding me a sob story, he’s not like that. He doesn’t behave like “woe is me” or bad mouth her to get me to take his side or some such nonsense. He doesn’t involve me or expect me to take on some emotional support role over it. He is pretty factual and has not said very much about it. He’s said a couple of things and it felt like he was stepping towards me. We haven’t directly discussed the divorce in months. He does have many good features, but also some frustrating ones. There’s no rose tinted glasses here, and I see his shortcomings.I just think that you give your ex way too much credit for being a nice guy going through a lot and would automatically, and naturally want to think the best of him in this separation situation when in reality he could just be selling you a sob story.
He must have many redeeming features for you to continue to be interested including emotional maturity and awareness yet this is what you told us a week ago:
“I decided to check and his dating profile is still up, he’s bloody updated it and is actively using it again.”
Why is he doing that? If he really understood after dating you - with what you had being so meaningful- that he wasn’t able to commit because he was still in love with his ex or at least not over her, or it was too messy and demanding to deal with the divorce and try and hold down a new relationship, what genuine, honest and unselfish reason would he have to be actively pursuing possible dates online?
I really respect you and your posts on here. You take the time to really consider someone’s position, I can tell you want the best for people with the advice you give which sometimes means telling people what you think is right rather than just what they want to hear. I can’t help but think if presented with your current situation your advice to someone else would be wholly different from the path you’re following.
I don’t think staying in touch with him is a good idea. I think he knows that you’re waiting in the wings despite him giving you nothing but non-committal contact on his terms, so he can talk to you, choose not to resolve anything with his ex, and pursue women on dating sites. You deserve better than this.
Likewise I think that dating other men whilst you clearly still hold a torch for him is probably not helpful. As a distraction it only works as long as the going is good. When someone fucks you off, you’re right back to pining for him and wanting to strike things up again. Sometimes a clean break is needed however much it hurts.
I didn’t mean it to sound naive. I’m aware that where there’s a will there’s a way, though. He’s not got any social media like that. He’s not interested in such things. He’s genuinely not.There’s more apps to talk on than WhatsApp. I’m never on there but could be talking none stop on Instagram, Snapchat or even iMessage.
Thank you. As an outsider, I’d have come to the same observations as you. I think it’s clear what I want. I don’t share absolutely everything here and you get a snapshot. He has more or less said that things would have been different if he wasn’t in this headspace. When we reconnected, and mentioned talking, he worded things in such a way to me that it felt like what he was asking me for was time before we talked, and what we’d talk about is us. Initially I thought I could handle it and try and be more objective about it… be there in some way while he worked through things, before we had a conversation like he wanted. I couldn’t push that relationship while he was vulnerable and needing time to get through some difficult things. I see a lot of good with him, and yes I wanted to believe him. As we chatted, I thought the barrier was coming down. He’s never not followed through on things with me. What’s hurting me right now is that I agreed on the basis of his past sincerity, and he’s clearly not made the effort to step up in any way. I’m on his timescale and he isn’t seeing me in it all. How long do I wait to even see him. Even if it’s keeping it as friends right now, it’s ridiculous not to see each other. He’s not being fair.@Belle123 you are so incredibly lovely, I would hate for you to get hurt by this potato of a man. However, I’m curious about what you want from this man. So genuinely, what do you want? From what you have told us, he very clearly seems to not be interested in wanting to get back together with you. So what are you trying to get out of this situation?
I very much understand that some people have a hold over us, which can make it very difficult for us to let go. But a relationship (any kind of relationship!) needs to be balanced. There must be give and take on both sides. Right now it seems like you are giving 110% whilst he is doing nothing but taking. And that is not fair to you.
The entire situation honestly reminds me a bit of that film “He’s just not that into you”.
If he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to be together with you, he would have made the effort. If he wanted to be friends with you, he would have been better at communicating. I have seen arseholes of men become princes on white horses for women, simply because they wanted to.
I strongly feel like what he is doing to you now, is not fair. He’s holding you hostage, whilst you deserve a fairytale ending.
I am rooting so incredibly hard for you, because you’re genuinely the most thoughtful person on this thread. You always take so much time to consider everyone’s issues and give very thoughtful advice. I hope I am not stepping out of line with this post, but I genuinely believe that you deserve so much better, even from just a friend (or whatever kind of label you want to put on this).
Thanks! The marriage lasted several years, after a reasonably long relationship beforehand. I was his first serious relationship after they had been separated for nearly a year, but not his first date. His ex has now been in a relationship for nearly a year, and I do not believe there is any struggle on her part. I don’t want to explain it in too much detail here, but his ex is after a settlement that involves things that really belong to him, and he’s hurting over it - he’s a sensitive guy and my reading of it is he’s having to go through painful emotions as he realises she is prepared to play a bit dirty. It’s very difficult for me because I don’t want to take sides, judge a woman I know nothing real about, nor do I know her story, but morally I don’t agree with her going after this aspect of things.Morning @Belle123 sending you a massive hug. I just have a few questions, apologies if you've already answered and I've missed them. Was it a long marriage? Were you his first 'date' so to speak off the dating app?...is his ex struggling to move on ? ..
Ok so whilst there is some residual baggage as always with long relationships, it's old baggage so to speak. I was just concerned that he was rebounding with you but sounds like the relationship has been over for a long time and the fact that she has moved on means it's over for her too which is always a good sign. It's always sad when the ' fighting ' starts over things, these are 2 people that loved each other at one point but that gets forgotten about when the selfish head games and behaviour starts and all perspective is lost because winning said item becomes the most important thing.Thanks! The marriage lasted several years, after a reasonably long relationship beforehand. I was his first serious relationship after they had been separated for nearly a year, but not his first date. His ex has now been in a relationship for nearly a year, and I do not believe there is any struggle on her part. I don’t want to explain it in too much detail here, but his ex is after a settlement that involves things that really belong to him, and he’s hurting over it - he’s a sensitive guy and my reading of it is he’s having to go through painful emotions as he realises she is prepared to play a bit dirty. It’s very difficult for me because I don’t want to take sides, judge a woman I know nothing real about, nor do I know her story, but morally I don’t agree with her going after this aspect of things.
my question would be belle, i suppose, what is an ideal outcome here for you? i know that you felt a strong connection with this guy, and a strong possibility that it had real potential to go further - is your hope that, at the end of this, when he’s ready, that he comes back to you? how long are you prepared to wait for that?Thanks! The marriage lasted several years, after a reasonably long relationship beforehand. I was his first serious relationship after they had been separated for nearly a year, but not his first date. His ex has now been in a relationship for nearly a year, and I do not believe there is any struggle on her part. I don’t want to explain it in too much detail here, but his ex is after a settlement that involves things that really belong to him, and he’s hurting over it - he’s a sensitive guy and my reading of it is he’s having to go through painful emotions as he realises she is prepared to play a bit dirty. It’s very difficult for me because I don’t want to take sides, judge a woman I know nothing real about, nor do I know her story, but morally I don’t agree with her going after this aspect of things.
Ok so whilst there is some residual baggage as always with long relationships, it's old baggage so to speak. I was just concerned that he was rebounding with you but sounds like the relationship has been over for a long time and the fact that she has moved on means it's over for her too which is always a good sign. It's always sad when the ' fighting ' starts over things, these are 2 people that loved each other at one point but that gets forgotten about when the selfish head games and behaviour starts and all perspective is lost because winning said item becomes the most important thing.
I don't have any answers Belle to be honest. I think in these situations so much is out of our control especially when we care deeply for someone and are soo willing them on to make the right decision. And I'm a great believer that you have to walk a day in someone else's shoes to fully understand what they are feeling and thinking. As always we are all here for you
my question would be belle, i suppose, what is an ideal outcome here for you? i know that you felt a strong connection with this guy, and a strong possibility that it had real potential to go further - is your hope that, at the end of this, when he’s ready, that he comes back to you? how long are you prepared to wait for that?
the apps thing is still a big one for me. how you take and react to that is completely your business but i can’t compute that he is both not in a position to date and also actively looking to date. as said above, him not being very active on whatsapp doesn’t mean he’s not messaging anyone.
as everyone has said, we are all just invested in your happiness and emotional well-being. you always give such wonderful and considered advice here, and i would hate to think that a man is taking advantage of that aspect of your nature.
Thank you all so much for you input and advice.Hi Belle, I have kept up with your situation but never felt it my place to comment as it would be a little hypocritical of me (and everyone else does it so eloquently) but then again, I have been exactly where you are. As LaBlonde said, I’d be intrigued to know what your ideal outcome is from this situation. You’re giving this man a lot of credit and I’d hate to think of your good nature being taken advantage of.
If, for example, he sorts out the messy situation with the ex wife and all she is wanting, puts it in a box and moves on, do you think you could be truly happy and content with him? Would you ever truly be able to relax and be sure that he is 100% done with the aftermath of his marriage ending?
You are clearly astutely aware of the situation and I’m not disputing that. You definitely have your head screwed in and see things for what they are. I just wonder ultimately whether this could ever end in you being really truly happy and content with this man, in any way.
I’ve been there with the trying to be supportive of the messy break up, who’s entitled to what chat. I spent days listening to him reel off how much she was taking him for a ride, how much it was unfair and I, the same as you, thought “wow this woman is taking the absolute piss here,” but in hindsight, it’s all one perspective.
The hardest thing I ever did was cut all contact with someone I was mad about, even though I could have probably continued with them as they wanted to have their cake and eat it, to keep all their options open, I guess. If you really did close the door on this man and walk away for good, do you think he would come after you (maybe not now but in the future?)
Again just echoing what everyone has said, you have a good heart and we want the best for you
Thanks! I think this was posted almost as soon as I’d put my thoughts out there, so you can see I’m not taking this any further with him. Breadcrumbing or not, what I actually don’t want to deal with is the turbulence that follows when he’s interacted with her.Belle.. You said he isn’t woe is me and he hasn’t discussed the divorce in months so what’s his deal? Is he just quiet or chatting to you consistently? What is he saying to keep you here because I can’t see one hint of effort from him. You say he is confused which tells you all you need to know. He’s feeding you breadcrumbs at best but I can’t see any hope from the things you have said about him.
The dating app in itself is a strike - He may not be using it now but the intentions were there.
Abruptly cutting contact might hurt you for a few days but you’ll start to feel better.. This is hurting you over a longer and drawn out time.
I used to post about my man when he was depressed but even when he was having his darkest months he would do everything he could to make sure I knew he wanted me.
Don’t wait around with false hope and don’t feel like you have to have one final conversation - just go silently.
Thank you for this@Belle123 - you absolutely shouldn’t regret anythingyou tried and were patient and considerate of his feelings. i think your final paragraph there is a really mature and well-rounded assessment of the situation, your heart and gut are correct (imo) in letting you drift away from him. you couldn’t have done more and his dithering and vagueness isn’t fair to you.
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