Dating after lockdown #20 I’m done. Too late to become a nun?

[al255]

Yes, at these early stages I like to feel like I’m getting special treatment even though I know full well he is texting 5 other women at the same time

No judgment to anyone who feels different but I’m with you on that 100% Kimmy x


I need to catch up on this thread, I’ve been kind of down recently and have missed on a lot!

100% agree with the 5 women part ffs. I’m convincing myself Thursday Date Man isn’t texting anyone else but even if he was who am I to say he can’t. We’ve only been on one date but I’d also like to think he’s put his eggs in one basket just for me X hahahahaaha

Sorry to read you’ve been down, hope you're feeling ok now xx

 

[LaBlonde]

Yes, at these early stages I like to feel like I’m getting special treatment even though I know full well he is texting 5 other women at the same time

No judgment to anyone who feels different but I’m with you on that 100% Kimmy x


I need to catch up on this thread, I’ve been kind of down recently and have missed on a lot!

hope you’re okay raymond, i’ve been keeping an eye out for you, good to see you back xx

 

[Kimmylookatme]

Yes, at these early stages I like to feel like I’m getting special treatment even though I know full well he is texting 5 other women at the same time

No judgment to anyone who feels different but I’m with you on that 100% Kimmy x


I need to catch up on this thread, I’ve been kind of down recently and have missed on a lot!

Hope you’re ok. Been missing you round here!

I know this prob sounds so unbearably smug and patronising and I hate myself for even writing it, but as a kind of keeping it realistic thing we are NOT without some issues and if we break up next week I’ll diligently eat my words … but I am 30, I’ve been in a ‘school’ relationship, then a ten year relationship with the father of my children, then one with my best friend turned absolute bastard, and now my current one.. like I’ve had some absolute shitters and my self esteem and self worth is in the gutter because of the way I’ve allowed men to make me feel in the past (I won’t say they made me feel, because I guess it’s Down to us how much we let it affect us in a way and how much power we give them in any given situation.) Despite having a ten year old child I’m still definitely not particularly wise or with it but one thing I have learnt from this last relationship is that if you have to panic or worry over it it’s probably not the one. I humiliated myself and wrecked mine and my children’s lives temporarily with my last relationship. It still hurts like duck and I’ve cried a lot over it tonight; I’m so over the person but not over the situation and not sure I ever will be completely. It feels almost unbelievable. But with the current person; he’s abroad in a massive group. I was dreading this whole holiday tbh because I knew based off past experiences I’d be nervous and insecure. But he’s literally just phoned me and then messaged to say he misses me and I missed it because I was busy tipsily faffing around at the piano (not a euphemism haha.) . And that tells me a lot, that I’ve reached a stage where I can genuinely feel calm and then it’s just a pleasant but somewhat expected bonus that someone is just there doing a nice thing, yet again, because their behaviour has been consistent all the way through. Totally jinxed this now and we will break up tomorrow but everyone on this thread deserves to feel that kind of confidence in stuff

 

[Bagpuss7]

Of course it's not realistic to expect someone you haven't met to spend every waking minute texting you but I personally don't think it's unreasonable to expect someone who is actively using a date app, that has shown an interest in me to the point they have asked me on a date, to make an effort to communicate regularly in the days leading to the first date and beyond.

Zero effort doesn't work for me in the early days nor does inconsistent communication, don't believe anyone is ever soo busy they can't drop a 30 sec text, plus in my experience if they are showing up as being online their attention is also elsewhere so means they have the time, it's just the other person / persons who they are spending it with are more important or interesting than me! Beware the multiple daters ladies ...it's rife !

 

[Sprottish]

Tentatively ventured back onto the apps when I was bored in the sun this weekend, after a good 2-3 month break. Exchanged a couple (literally 3) of mindless chit chat messages with some guy on Bumble, they gave me their number and I just didn’t reply (not interested in texting off the apps unless we’ve got a decent conversation going) 24 hours later I get a voice note and some of the stuff he said!! I wish I could post it on here. It was a minute long, he sounded completely pissed, told me to “climb out of my arse” and reply to him, that because I’m tall that’s a problem for girls, so I need to be grateful he’s ok with that, and that he can tell “this bird is going to be a nightmare.” Wtf! I said “way to make me NOT want to go out with you” and unmatched him. Wish I had reported him!!

 

[Tangent Tiger]

Tentatively ventured back onto the apps when I was bored in the sun this weekend, after a good 2-3 month break. Exchanged a couple (literally 3) of mindless chit chat messages with some guy on Bumble, they gave me their number and I just didn’t reply (not interested in texting off the apps unless we’ve got a decent conversation going) 24 hours later I get a voice note and some of the stuff he said!! I wish I could post it on here. It was a minute long, he sounded completely pissed, told me to “climb out of my arse” and reply to him, that because I’m tall that’s a problem for girls, so I need to be grateful he’s ok with that, and that he can tell “this bird is going to be a nightmare.” Wtf! I said “way to make me NOT want to go out with you” and unmatched him. Wish I had reported him!!

Oh. my. god. What an hole!! Good luck to him remaining single then

 

[Sandor]

This is what I don’t get. So many behave like petulant children at the slightest perceived I’ll but have the audacity to call us irrational and hysterical. And why do they always go straight to stuck up?!

 

[TillyMiffin]

How are you @Belle ? I know you are away with work soon ? How's everything else ? Are you well in yourself?

@TillyMiffin how are you?

Hello! I’ve been M.I.A over on the Jack Monroe thread, she’s great entertainment right now! Went out with a very old female friend on Saturday, we had a ball! Remember me saying I found out in jan that my ex (who almost destroyed me) had started a relationship with one of my best friends? They went the whole hog, both sharing it on FB ‘in a relationship’ and actually saying “someone screenshot shot this and send it to Tilly” etc.
Well they and their group of friends (also my ex friends) were in the same bar as us, I still speak to one of them and she said they (my ex and my ex bestie) had split up only lasted 4 months! Then the icing on the cake was, he ignored her all night, then at the end when all their friends had gone she was sitting on his knee! so he’s obviously doing the same to her as he did to me: ‘I can’t be in a relationship but we can be best friends’ but still staying over, having sex, etc. it was so edifying for me, I had such low self esteem when I was with him, thought it was all my fault he treated me so badly.
I’d feel sorry for her if she hadn’t taken such pleasure in gloating she’d ‘got him’. I’d confided in her throughout my relationship and she knew how badly he treated me but was still desperate to get with him! Oh and he also unblocked me on WhatsApp; I can see his profile pic now (even though I’ve still got him blocked)
So all in all I’ve had a great weekend, finally seeing a tiny bit of karma in action

 

[Agent Cooper]

100% agree with the 5 women part ffs. I’m convincing myself Thursday Date Man isn’t texting anyone else but even if he was who am I to say he can’t. We’ve only been on one date but I’d also like to think he’s put his eggs in one basket just for me X hahahahaaha
Sorry to read you’ve been down, hope you're feeling ok now xx

hope you’re okay raymond, i’ve been keeping an eye out for you, good to see you back xx

Hope you’re ok. Been missing you round here!

Aww thank you ladies, you are the kindest I’m okay, I had a haircut over the weekend and I’m booked in for a hair colour tomorrow morning, so I might get back to the dating game as a hot blonde Hope you are all doing fine too x

@unidentified I’m really late but your new puppy is so adorable! Please give him a belly rub from me x

@TillyMiffin Oh dear, what a bellend your ex is! Good thing you still have him blocked, you don’t need such people in your life.

@Sprottish Trash took itself out! I’m sure he will remain single forever if he keeps on treating women like that. Sorry this happened to you x

 

[Mr Sparkle]

After 3 weeks of silence I've just had a completely vague voice message from Commitmentphobe:

- "Didn't mean" to drop off the radar... But did "want" to make contact to see how my trip to Paris was, was thinking about me a lot that week

- Understands if I don't want to stay in touch, but did I want to meet up for a "cup of tea sometime"

I'm just completely stumped on what to say back. Obviously I have a lot I'd like to say to him, but I'm not wasting any energy on trying to address this mess.

I reckon my options are (1) leave it on read and that's that, (2) reply back saying I don't want to meet for a cup of tea as friends, as he well knows, or (3) vaguely/politely say yeah ok maybe sometime

 

[unidentified]

Aw thank you. I’m very very tired! I forgot what having a puppy is like. Given up on the dating and focusing on my babies

 

[al255]

After 3 weeks of silence I've just had a completely vague voice message from Commitmentphobe:

- "Didn't mean" to drop off the radar... But did "want" to make contact to see how my trip to Paris was, was thinking about me a lot that week

- Understands if I don't want to stay in touch, but did I want to meet up for a "cup of tea sometime"

I'm just completely stumped on what to say back. Obviously I have a lot I'd like to say to him, but I'm not wasting any energy on trying to address this mess.

I reckon my options are (1) leave it on read and that's that, (2) reply back saying I don't want to meet for a cup of tea as friends, as he well knows, or (3) vaguely/politely say yeah ok maybe sometime

Don’t reply, read it or anything of the sort. Delete it!!!! X

 

[Clickbait]

After 3 weeks of silence I've just had a completely vague voice message from Commitmentphobe:

- "Didn't mean" to drop off the radar... But did "want" to make contact to see how my trip to Paris was, was thinking about me a lot that week

- Understands if I don't want to stay in touch, but did I want to meet up for a "cup of tea sometime"

I'm just completely stumped on what to say back. Obviously I have a lot I'd like to say to him, but I'm not wasting any energy on trying to address this mess.

I reckon my options are (1) leave it on read and that's that, (2) reply back saying I don't want to meet for a cup of tea as friends, as he well knows, or (3) vaguely/politely say yeah ok maybe sometime

Honestly, no pressure on you to make a decision now. He’s taken his sweet time to contact you. Let him sweat whatever you decide to do. Strikes me this is him testing the water - throw a few breadcrumbs see if you bite. Much more satisfying to sit back and do nothing for a while.

 

[Mr Sparkle]

Don’t reply, read it or anything of the sort. Delete it!!!! X

It's made me more angry the more I think about it. So vague! No apology!

And meanwhile I'm chatting to this guy who has moved an appointment so we have more time for our second date, and has already apologised for doing/saying something that made him think he sounded not keen (not wanting to schedule a date for Sunday as he'd probably be hungover after the football). So much more consideration already in 2 weeks than Commitmentphobe head showed me in 2 months!

Honestly, no pressure on you to make a decision now. He’s taken his sweet time to contact you. Let him sweat whatever you decide to do. Strikes me this is him testing the water - throw a few breadcrumbs see if you bite. Much more satisfying to sit back and do nothing for a while.

I like this.

 

[Bagpuss7]

It's made me more angry the more I think about it. So vague! No apology!

And meanwhile I'm chatting to this guy who has moved an appointment so we have more time for our second date, and has already apologised for doing/saying something that made him think he sounded not keen (not wanting to schedule a date for Sunday as he'd probably be hungover after the football). So much more consideration already in 2 weeks than Commitmentphobe head showed me in 2 months!



I like this.

So you've kinda figured it out for yourself it seems to me..his rudeness and indifference have made you angry but more importantly its made you realise what you have in front of you in the form of the new guy. Don't waste precious time or emotional energy on the ex ...you are moving on to happier times and he really doesn't deserve second more of your time or thoughts.

Don't dignify him with a response, delete block bin ...... and send your new guy a lovely message instead

 

[candyland_]

After 3 weeks of silence I've just had a completely vague voice message from Commitmentphobe:

- "Didn't mean" to drop off the radar... But did "want" to make contact to see how my trip to Paris was, was thinking about me a lot that week

- Understands if I don't want to stay in touch, but did I want to meet up for a "cup of tea sometime"

I'm just completely stumped on what to say back. Obviously I have a lot I'd like to say to him, but I'm not wasting any energy on trying to address this mess.

I reckon my options are (1) leave it on read and that's that, (2) reply back saying I don't want to meet for a cup of tea as friends, as he well knows, or (3) vaguely/politely say yeah ok maybe sometime

Ignore him or it reopens opportunities for him to crawl back. He would 100% vanish again.. They always do and will never change.

Saying OK maybe just allows these people to treat you like you are disposable.

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

Tentatively ventured back onto the apps when I was bored in the sun this weekend, after a good 2-3 month break. Exchanged a couple (literally 3) of mindless chit chat messages with some guy on Bumble, they gave me their number and I just didn’t reply (not interested in texting off the apps unless we’ve got a decent conversation going) 24 hours later I get a voice note and some of the stuff he said!! I wish I could post it on here. It was a minute long, he sounded completely pissed, told me to “climb out of my arse” and reply to him, that because I’m tall that’s a problem for girls, so I need to be grateful he’s ok with that, and that he can tell “this bird is going to be a nightmare.” Wtf! I said “way to make me NOT want to go out with you” and unmatched him. Wish I had reported him!!

Ohhh fgs I wish you’d of reported him too! This is why I get worried to decline a mans advances because it usually ends in a barrage of abuse! That’s why I always unmatched them if I wasn’t interested, before they got chance to send me any abuse. Your right too who wants to give their number out unless it’s someone you think has potential, just for some dead convo. I’ve already had to block two seedballs, I ain’t blocking anymore it’s abit incelly vibes getting angry cos a woman doesn’t want to go out with you lol. Don’t let it put you off being back out there though

Ohhh fgs I wish you’d of reported him too! This is why I get worried to decline a mans advances because it usually ends in a barrage of abuse! That’s why I always unmatched them if I wasn’t interested, before they got chance to send me any abuse. Your right too who wants to give their number out unless it’s someone you think has potential, just for some dead convo. I’ve already had to block two seedballs, I ain’t blocking anymore it’s abit incelly vibes getting angry cos a woman doesn’t want to go out with you lol. Don’t let it put you off being back out there though

Oh and the only people who have a problem with tall girls is men with short man syndrome lol

 

[Sandor]

People have got to start realising if they’re inconsistent, indecisive and low energy, they can’t suddenly come back because they’ve now realised they had a good thing/didn’t find the grass was greener. At some point, whether it’s simple exclusivity with no expectations or commitment, you have to say ok I’m going to stay loyal to you and this situation.

I have two updates. First, I went for a coffee with someone. Was going well until it turned out he'd not only lied and was not in fact childless, he also has another on the way. Now I know that he doesn’t have to explain himself to me etc but the way he talked about thepregnant woman was so full of red flags. But at least I got myself over the first hurdle.

The second update concerns my own wunderkid. Had to do a zoom meeting with unfinished business ex yesterday afternoon, kids in living room too. At one point he calls me ‘mate’ and I instinctively go ‘you know I don’t like that’ and he replies ‘well there’s a lot of things you don’t want me to call you’.Before I could even respond and without skipping a beat child goes ‘but I thought he didnt want to call you his girlfriend either. Men are so weird’. Wouldn’t have even occurred to me that’s what he meant, just thought he was being an ass.

My first thought was oh it’s ok he won’t have heard her, except he did. He very much did. We went back to work stuff, but he text later to say she was right and maybe we should talk. At the moment I’ve reiterated I can’t go over the same stuff again, if this is about trying again, we go from ground zero and he has to step up first. But if it’s just for me to listen to a load of crap that amounts to ‘I’m currently scared of relationships’ I’m not suffering it anymore but I’m less agitated about it than I was. I don’t like merry go rounds as it is. And while I know it wouldn’t be for everyone, answering my daughters questions in an age appropriate manner does work for us. Just didn’t realise she’d have the insight or foresight she does.

unfortunately, my hope that having moved to somewhere bigger and more urban would have yielded more app choice has so far proved fruitless. I don’t want to swipe right on anyone! But I feel that at least trying once means I’m letting go of the what ifs.

 

[Agent Cooper]

I have two updates. First, I went for a coffee with someone. Was going well until it turned out he'd not only lied and was not in fact childless, he also has another on the way. Now I know that he doesn’t have to explain himself to me etc but the way he talked about thepregnant woman was so full of red flags. But at least I got myself over the first hurdle.

Oh man, I don’t even know what to say! Lying about being childless while actually having a kid is bad enough, but lying about it when he has a second child on the way is…something else. Very messed up. Sorry this happened and I hope you’ve blocked him for good.

unfortunately, my hope that having moved to somewhere bigger and more urban would have yielded more app choice has so far proved fruitless. I don’t want to swipe right on anyone! But I feel that at least trying once means I’m letting go of the what ifs.

I feel you! So many people yet nobody worth swiping right on. Don’t pressure yourself to find someone as soon as possible, view it as a game and try to just have fun! I’ve found that some days these apps seem like a bad idea but it doesn’t mean this won’t change tomorrow. You might actually find some decent guys when you least expect it! Good luck

Honestly, no pressure on you to make a decision now. He’s taken his sweet time to contact you. Let him sweat whatever you decide to do. Strikes me this is him testing the water - throw a few breadcrumbs see if you bite. Much more satisfying to sit back and do nothing for a while.

I agree with this 100%! Hope you are okay @Mr Sparkle

 

[Caramel Latte]

We spend our life looking for potential partners who will be our life partners then find someone who has the textbook good partner/husband/father qualities but not fall for them..
I don't know what's wrong with me. A guy loves me so much, accepts me and my quirks, is lovable by everyone who meets him except for me. I don't hate him, I even sometimes feel attracted to him. Then he does something like shave his beard or use his hands so much when talking and i feel the ick.
I doubt if I'm able to judge properly like an adult and not just like a teenager (im 26). I might be losing a lot and i can't bring myself to end it.
He knows how I feel and still loves me. His qualities are very suitable for me but not what I imagined for myself. I imagined being with a "cool" guy who cracks jokes and is attractive all the time and also loving and caring and has all the good qualities.
Where i live and in my circles, this type of cool&good guy is like a myth. They're either good or cool lol.

Can we force ourselves to love someone's personality and overcome the expectations we had before? I wish i can.