Dating after lockdown #20 I’m done. Too late to become a nun?

[Thank(space)you]

We spend our life looking for potential partners who will be our life partners then find someone who has the textbook good partner/husband/father qualities but not fall for them..
I don't know what's wrong with me. A guy loves me so much, accepts me and my quirks, is lovable by everyone who meets him except for me. I don't hate him, I even sometimes feel attracted to him. Then he does something like shave his beard or use his hands so much when talking and i feel the ick.
I doubt if I'm able to judge properly like an adult and not just like a teenager (im 26). I might be losing a lot and i can't bring myself to end it.
He knows how I feel and still loves me. His qualities are very suitable for me but not what I imagined for myself. I imagined being with a "cool" guy who cracks jokes and is attractive all the time and also loving and caring and has all the good qualities.
Where i live and in my circles, this type of cool&good guy is like a myth. They're either good or cool lol.

Can we force ourselves to love someone's personality and overcome the expectations we had before? I wish i can.

You can't force yourself to fall for someone. If you're dating this guy I think it's better in the long run for both of you if you end it sooner rather than later. You're still young, plenty of time to find someone (I say when I act like me being 29 is a death sentence )

 

[unidentified]

A nice guy with a beard is part of my ticklist. Pass him my way All jokes aside, you can’t force feelings.

 

[Bagpuss7]

We spend our life looking for potential partners who will be our life partners then find someone who has the textbook good partner/husband/father qualities but not fall for them..
I don't know what's wrong with me. A guy loves me so much, accepts me and my quirks, is lovable by everyone who meets him except for me. I don't hate him, I even sometimes feel attracted to him. Then he does something like shave his beard or use his hands so much when talking and i feel the ick.
I doubt if I'm able to judge properly like an adult and not just like a teenager (im 26). I might be losing a lot and i can't bring myself to end it.
He knows how I feel and still loves me. His qualities are very suitable for me but not what I imagined for myself. I imagined being with a "cool" guy who cracks jokes and is attractive all the time and also loving and caring and has all the good qualities.
Where i live and in my circles, this type of cool&good guy is like a myth. They're either good or cool lol.

Can we force ourselves to love someone's personality and overcome the expectations we had before? I wish i can.

26 ...you are soo young ! For god sake don't settle ! You deserve a love that brings you joy and happiness and fills you with excitement for the future....Don't stay with a man out of some sense of obligation just because he loves you, that's not fair to either of you! He deserves someone that will love him equally. The kindest thing you can do is be honest to him and more importantly yourself and let him go.

 

[candyland_]

I’ve booked off a pamper and shopping day so I can treat myself before my day date tomorrow. It feels like it’s our first date but we’ve been doing this for three years next month Too excited!

 

[Belle123]

People have got to start realising if they’re inconsistent, indecisive and low energy, they can’t suddenly come back because they’ve now realised they had a good thing/didn’t find the grass was greener. At some point, whether it’s simple exclusivity with no expectations or commitment, you have to say ok I’m going to stay loyal to you and this situation.

I have two updates. First, I went for a coffee with someone. Was going well until it turned out he'd not only lied and was not in fact childless, he also has another on the way. Now I know that he doesn’t have to explain himself to me etc but the way he talked about thepregnant woman was so full of red flags. But at least I got myself over the first hurdle.

The second update concerns my own wunderkid. Had to do a zoom meeting with unfinished business ex yesterday afternoon, kids in living room too. At one point he calls me ‘mate’ and I instinctively go ‘you know I don’t like that’ and he replies ‘well there’s a lot of things you don’t want me to call you’.Before I could even respond and without skipping a beat child goes ‘but I thought he didnt want to call you his girlfriend either. Men are so weird’. Wouldn’t have even occurred to me that’s what he meant, just thought he was being an ass.

My first thought was oh it’s ok he won’t have heard her, except he did. He very much did. We went back to work stuff, but he text later to say she was right and maybe we should talk. At the moment I’ve reiterated I can’t go over the same stuff again, if this is about trying again, we go from ground zero and he has to step up first. But if it’s just for me to listen to a load of crap that amounts to ‘I’m currently scared of relationships’ I’m not suffering it anymore but I’m less agitated about it than I was. I don’t like merry go rounds as it is. And while I know it wouldn’t be for everyone, answering my daughters questions in an age appropriate manner does work for us. Just didn’t realise she’d have the insight or foresight she does.

unfortunately, my hope that having moved to somewhere bigger and more urban would have yielded more app choice has so far proved fruitless. I don’t want to swipe right on anyone! But I feel that at least trying once means I’m letting go of the what ifs.

Oh blimey that’s a big thing to keep from you until that date. I agree he doesn’t have to explain himself to you, but it’s a big deal. My first thought is the risk that they could rekindle is high (never a given, but having a baby together is a big pull to fix things) and not talking positively about her is either him masking his feelings or sending out absolute red flags to you. I hope just the process of being on another date with another man helped, even if it won’t go any further.

Wow, your daughter is on the ball! I’m actually really glad she said that in front of him. If a young child gets it, then why can’t he?! He’s running away from it and you’re slipping through his fingers. I hope it gave him food for thought and he wises up! x

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

People have got to start realising if they’re inconsistent, indecisive and low energy, they can’t suddenly come back because they’ve now realised they had a good thing/didn’t find the grass was greener. At some point, whether it’s simple exclusivity with no expectations or commitment, you have to say ok I’m going to stay loyal to you and this situation.

I have two updates. First, I went for a coffee with someone. Was going well until it turned out he'd not only lied and was not in fact childless, he also has another on the way. Now I know that he doesn’t have to explain himself to me etc but the way he talked about thepregnant woman was so full of red flags. But at least I got myself over the first hurdle.

The second update concerns my own wunderkid. Had to do a zoom meeting with unfinished business ex yesterday afternoon, kids in living room too. At one point he calls me ‘mate’ and I instinctively go ‘you know I don’t like that’ and he replies ‘well there’s a lot of things you don’t want me to call you’.Before I could even respond and without skipping a beat child goes ‘but I thought he didnt want to call you his girlfriend either. Men are so weird’. Wouldn’t have even occurred to me that’s what he meant, just thought he was being an ass.

My first thought was oh it’s ok he won’t have heard her, except he did. He very much did. We went back to work stuff, but he text later to say she was right and maybe we should talk. At the moment I’ve reiterated I can’t go over the same stuff again, if this is about trying again, we go from ground zero and he has to step up first. But if it’s just for me to listen to a load of crap that amounts to ‘I’m currently scared of relationships’ I’m not suffering it anymore but I’m less agitated about it than I was. I don’t like merry go rounds as it is. And while I know it wouldn’t be for everyone, answering my daughters questions in an age appropriate manner does work for us. Just didn’t realise she’d have the insight or foresight she does.

unfortunately, my hope that having moved to somewhere bigger and more urban would have yielded more app choice has so far proved fruitless. I don’t want to swipe right on anyone! But I feel that at least trying once means I’m letting go of the what ifs.

I can’t believe he lied about the kids thing. I hate when they slag women off I mean Ino I/we rant about males on here but we wouldn’t go into a date doing it! It gives off red flags aw your daughter is right though lol bless her. You should keep trying though

 

[realhousewivewannabe]

A nice guy with a beard is part of my ticklist. Pass him my way All jokes aside, you can’t force feelings.

I have a boyfriend going spare if you’d like this .


No but in all seriousness I’m venting. We had a rough weekend (first tiff) and I’m torn whether I want to continue. I am independent, like my own space. We’ve done so much together already weekends away, trips away etc. haven’t had a weekend to my self since we met. i never knew how much Relationships are hard work (this is my first boyfriend for anyone new here) and honestly I’m drained in all other areas of my life atm. My Home life is really tricky right now too.
I’ve said I wanted space yet he’s text me non stop why isn’t life like the movies.

 

[Clickbait]

I have a boyfriend going spare if you’d like this .


No but in all seriousness I’m venting. We had a rough weekend (first tiff) and I’m torn whether I want to continue. I am independent, like my own space. We’ve done so much together already weekends away, trips away etc. haven’t had a weekend to my self since we met. i never knew how much Relationships are hard work (this is my first boyfriend for anyone new here) and honestly I’m drained in all other areas of my life atm. My Home life is really tricky right now too.
I’ve said I wanted space yet he’s text me non stop why isn’t life like the movies.

You need to establish boundaries being clear you need some personal space but it’s not a reflection on him or your relationship. If he can’t respect that it is a worry - co-dependent relationships are unhealthy IMO plus it raises flags about him being controlling or not listening to your wants and needs.

Surely his friends or family would quite enjoy a weekend of spending time with him, as I imagine would yours. Perhaps sell it that way?

 

[Sandor]

@Belle123 @DollyDiamondxo - I know! I could almost have forgiven not bringing them up. I’m very protective of my daughter so I try to figure people out before I mention her and in the early days very much don’t mention her gender. And when she is mentioned I make it very clear that they won’t be meeting her for a LONG time. Recent ex only did very briefly when he was dropping something off and didn’t realise she was here/I didn’t know he was coming. Have I mentioned we only live five mins apart now but to just outright say you were childless and then talk about the woman whose pregnant as if both her and baby are inconvenient. I did avoid the temptation to ask him if he used protection. And yes he is blocked!

I have a boyfriend going spare if you’d like this .


No but in all seriousness I’m venting. We had a rough weekend (first tiff) and I’m torn whether I want to continue. I am independent, like my own space. We’ve done so much together already weekends away, trips away etc. haven’t had a weekend to my self since we met. i never knew how much Relationships are hard work (this is my first boyfriend for anyone new here) and honestly I’m drained in all other areas of my life atm. My Home life is really tricky right now too.
I’ve said I wanted space yet he’s text me non stop why isn’t life like the movies.

Every weekend is a lot, especially if it’s all weekend? I would just make the plans you want to. No one ever has to be constantly available to anyone. It’s so healthy to maintain your own life. You don’t have to answer his messages, or at least can say ‘I’m drained right now, I’ll text you later.And if you’re torn right now, you definitely need time and space to process that. It’s hard once the doubt sets in. It’s not always how you’re really feeling, especially if there’s lots going on. To be fair, he might think you mean physical space unless you communicated otherwise obviously. But it’s not unreasonable of you in the slightest to say you need some time alone. That’s so normal. Everyone needs time to recharge.

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

@Belle123 @DollyDiamondxo - I know! I could almost have forgiven not bringing them up. I’m very protective of my daughter so I try to figure people out before I mention her and in the early days very much don’t mention her gender. And when she is mentioned I make it very clear that they won’t be meeting her for a LONG time. Recent ex only did very briefly when he was dropping something off and didn’t realise she was here/I didn’t know he was coming. Have I mentioned we only live five mins apart now but to just outright say you were childless and then talk about the woman whose pregnant as if both her and baby are inconvenient. I did avoid the temptation to ask him if he used protection. And yes he is blocked!



Every weekend is a lot, especially if it’s all weekend? I would just make the plans you want to. No one ever has to be constantly available to anyone. It’s so healthy to maintain your own life. You don’t have to answer his messages, or at least can say ‘I’m drained right now, I’ll text you later.And if you’re torn right now, you definitely need time and space to process that. It’s hard once the doubt sets in. It’s not always how you’re really feeling, especially if there’s lots going on. To be fair, he might think you mean physical space unless you communicated otherwise obviously. But it’s not unreasonable of you in the slightest to say you need some time alone. That’s so normal. Everyone needs time to recharge.

Tbh I don’t mention I have a daughter until I’m continuing messaging someone with a nice flow. I try to gage them Then I’ll say oh btw I have a child. So yeah I’m totally with you on that but to lie about it and deny having them is different,

 

[Jadejones9596]

Sorted my guy out. He phoned me up, genuinely is just really bad at making plans, we sat and looked at his rota and are going out next Tuesday. He does seem lovely so we will see x

 

[Kimmylookatme]

We spend our life looking for potential partners who will be our life partners then find someone who has the textbook good partner/husband/father qualities but not fall for them..
I don't know what's wrong with me. A guy loves me so much, accepts me and my quirks, is lovable by everyone who meets him except for me. I don't hate him, I even sometimes feel attracted to him. Then he does something like shave his beard or use his hands so much when talking and i feel the ick.
I doubt if I'm able to judge properly like an adult and not just like a teenager (im 26). I might be losing a lot and i can't bring myself to end it.
He knows how I feel and still loves me. His qualities are very suitable for me but not what I imagined for myself. I imagined being with a "cool" guy who cracks jokes and is attractive all the time and also loving and caring and has all the good qualities.
Where i live and in my circles, this type of cool&good guy is like a myth. They're either good or cool lol.

Can we force ourselves to love someone's personality and overcome the expectations we had before? I wish i can.

You definitely can’t force yourself to love someone! It’s not fair on either of you. I agree you’re still young - but equally like someone else said I consider myself old at 30 - there’s so much time for you both to go out and meet someone who genuinely excites you. Everyone will irritate you from time to time, that’s normal. No one fancies someone 100% of the time no matter what annoying thing they do I don’t think. But I’ve been in the type of relationship (marriage in fact) you describe and honestly my ex would say things in a certain way or act a certain way and my skin would literally crawl with embarrassment (I guess what we now call the ick…) he was an hole too so I don’t feel bad saying it but even so he deserved someone who never felt like that about him, and so do you guys

I’ve booked off a pamper and shopping day so I can treat myself before my day date tomorrow. It feels like it’s our first date but we’ve been doing this for three years next month Too excited!

Enjoy! I’m just about to see mine after like a week and I’m nervous which is pathetic

 

[Bagpuss7]

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking and answering the do you have children question in the early stages of dating ...you can answer vaguely and still keep your children safe. It's important to me that I know if they have children and the ages, dating someone who has young children can be tough especially if custody is shared and involves most weekends. Guys that don't prioritise seeing their children are major red flags for me.

My ex from way back told me about his teenage daughter from his marriage but omitted to tell me he also had a 3 year old from his last relationship dropped it into the conversation and pretended like he had told me! I think I might've remembered that crucial bit of information!

 

[Belle123]

@Belle123 @DollyDiamondxo - I know! I could almost have forgiven not bringing them up. I’m very protective of my daughter so I try to figure people out before I mention her and in the early days very much don’t mention her gender. And when she is mentioned I make it very clear that they won’t be meeting her for a LONG time. Recent ex only did very briefly when he was dropping something off and didn’t realise she was here/I didn’t know he was coming. Have I mentioned we only live five mins apart now but to just outright say you were childless and then talk about the woman whose pregnant as if both her and baby are inconvenient. I did avoid the temptation to ask him if he used protection. And yes he is blocked!



Every weekend is a lot, especially if it’s all weekend? I would just make the plans you want to. No one ever has to be constantly available to anyone. It’s so healthy to maintain your own life. You don’t have to answer his messages, or at least can say ‘I’m drained right now, I’ll text you later.And if you’re torn right now, you definitely need time and space to process that. It’s hard once the doubt sets in. It’s not always how you’re really feeling, especially if there’s lots going on. To be fair, he might think you mean physical space unless you communicated otherwise obviously. But it’s not unreasonable of you in the slightest to say you need some time alone. That’s so normal. Everyone needs time to recharge.

To lie about it is a problem. I wouldn’t want to be told one thing and then find out it’s not true. Had he simply not said anything about kids, fine, but to say he was childless when that’s very much not true, is not acceptable. I absolutely do not blame you for blocking him! I’d be wondering if he’d used protection too. Chances are he was lax with it and I’d worry just how responsible he is. I’ve heard enough anecdotes that tell me plenty of men are utter arses when it comes to bringing/wearing condoms!

@realhousewivewannabe I’d just make your own plans and emphasise that it’s nothing about him. It’s really important to connect with others in your life but also, and importantly, yourself. Even if you sit in the house all weekend, recharging your batteries, that’s plans/self-care in my book. You can control how quickly you text back. That’s not to punish him or make things awkward but to enforce the boundary “I said I needed space”.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

I have a boyfriend going spare if you’d like this .


No but in all seriousness I’m venting. We had a rough weekend (first tiff) and I’m torn whether I want to continue. I am independent, like my own space. We’ve done so much together already weekends away, trips away etc. haven’t had a weekend to my self since we met. i never knew how much Relationships are hard work (this is my first boyfriend for anyone new here) and honestly I’m drained in all other areas of my life atm. My Home life is really tricky right now too.
I’ve said I wanted space yet he’s text me non stop why isn’t life like the movies.

How long have you guys been together?

 

[Tangent Tiger]

I posted recently that I was asked to go for a drink and I wasn't sure if he meant it in a romantic way.

Well he did, and absolute no chance. It was like torture.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

I posted recently that I was asked to go for a drink and I wasn't sure if he meant it in a romantic way.

Well he did, and absolute no chance. It was like torture.

Oh god what happened?

 

[Mr Sparkle]

Second date tonight is off, he's ill apparently. He apologised and asked if we can reschedule to Sunday instead. Waste of my nervous energy today!

I'm paranoid this means he's not keen, because Commitmentphobe guy was ill and rescheduled our second date and look how that turned out. I know that's really silly and they're totally unrelated but... Yeah. Gonna go get my nails done instead!

 

[candyland_]

My date got cut short today..
We had a lovely few hours together, great food and we helped each other pick out some bits in town but as we got back to mine to relax together he got some bad news about a family member. He must have clung onto me for about an hour before he was ok to drive home. He kept saying how sorry he was for spoiling our day but that’s the last thing he did.
Once he was home he sent me the sweetest text to thank me for being there for him but we’ve been hit with so many downtimes like this since we met 🥹

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

Second date tonight is off, he's ill apparently. He apologised and asked if we can reschedule to Sunday instead. Waste of my nervous energy today!

I'm paranoid this means he's not keen, because Commitmentphobe guy was ill and rescheduled our second date and look how that turned out. I know that's really silly and they're totally unrelated but... Yeah. Gonna go get my nails done instead!

Getting your nails done seems more appealing than a date to me at the minute! Lol. But in all seriousness, I’d just wait and see if Sunday happens before you worry, and if he does it again then maybe re-evaluate. I get what you mean about a waste of energy I think we all get that nervous build up before a date then it’s like oh not happening so I’ve been a panicky mess for nothing lol. Twice this week I’ve dreamt I’ve had a bf then woke up like girl you ain’t even close but in all honesty I’m not mentally well enough to be dating right now so I’ve taken a back seat lol