Dating after lockdown #19 Opened Tinder. Saw “👉🏻👌🏻 ?”. Closed Tinder.

[Wowitsme]

How exciting! Good luck @millsymilsean, hope it goes well x

Going off the topic a bit, but what do you ladies think about attachment theory? For those of you who are not familiar with it, here is a link to a rather neat article on it https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/attachment-theory-and-the-4-attachment-styles. Your attachment style is basically the way you form relationships and relate to other people in them and is shaped by your experiences as a child. It’s crazy to think how many of our issues stem from our childhood.

100% believe attachment theory effects us into adulthood and also you can develop secure attachment if you are in a healthy relationship but it takes so much patience from the other person. It is such an interesting a vast topic.

 

[millsymilsean]

Hi everyone! On the way home from my date. It was…fine. He was nice but kept on going off on these “comedic” skits by himself? It was really bizarre. Kinda just kept going and going with jokes while I sat there and watched He was doing impersonations and accents and everything! Weird as hell hahahaha

The whole time I kept wishing I was on a date with the guy I slept with, who I really do like…who incidentally I’m seeing next week for a “friendly drink”….but for lots of reasons he’s not really a viable option.

Oh well gals at least i got out the house bahahaha.
To add to what @Agent Cooper says, I fully believe in attachment theory. I’m anxiously attached and it makes a lot of sense to me x

 

[dreamteam1]

Hi everyone! On the way home from my date. It was…fine. He was nice but kept on going off on these “comedic” skits by himself? It was really bizarre. Kinda just kept going and going with jokes while I sat there and watched He was doing impersonations and accents and everything! Weird as hell hahahaha

The whole time I kept wishing I was on a date with the guy I slept with, who I really do like…who incidentally I’m seeing next week for a “friendly drink”….but for lots of reasons he’s not really a viable option.

Oh well gals at least i got out the house bahahaha.
To add to what @Agent Cooper says, I fully believe in attachment theory. I’m anxiously attached and it makes a lot of sense to me x

I am currently dating a guy who I swear is still going on dates but pretending he is meeting mates … he was off to York today for all an all day-er but because I have anxiety I can’t seem to stop talking to him as it’s not a time I want to be alone … at the same time I am still swiping

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

I am currently dating a guy who I swear is still going on dates but pretending he is meeting mates … he was off to York today for all an all day-er but because I have anxiety I can’t seem to stop talking to him as it’s not a time I want to be alone … at the same time I am still swiping

I guess if your not exclusive/official with someone that’s the problem they can still date other people without looking mean because they’d just use the whole ‘well we’re not together) line! I reckon this is why it’s so hard to get commitment because they like too have different options. It really sucks

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Hi everyone! On the way home from my date. It was…fine. He was nice but kept on going off on these “comedic” skits by himself? It was really bizarre. Kinda just kept going and going with jokes while I sat there and watched He was doing impersonations and accents and everything! Weird as hell hahahaha

The whole time I kept wishing I was on a date with the guy I slept with, who I really do like…who incidentally I’m seeing next week for a “friendly drink”….but for lots of reasons he’s not really a viable option.

Oh well gals at least i got out the house bahahaha.
To add to what @Agent Cooper says, I fully believe in attachment theory. I’m anxiously attached and it makes a lot of sense to me x

Ah this sounds strange.

Why is the guy you slept with not a viable option.

I am currently dating a guy who I swear is still going on dates but pretending he is meeting mates … he was off to York today for all an all day-er but because I have anxiety I can’t seem to stop talking to him as it’s not a time I want to be alone … at the same time I am still swiping

This sounds like a painful situation to be in - do you have feelings for him?

 

[Belle123]

Signed back up to Bumble and Plenty of Fish this weekend. Have an offer of a date already - I did talk to him on the app at the same time as my now-ex, and I don’t agree to dates that quickly normally! Also talking to this other guy who seems nice and normal - so far! Another guy has asked to meet but he was a bit of an idiot before and didn’t message me at all before we were meant to meet and I decided to back out. He’s proven himself to be the same idiot, because he was lazily suggesting I meet near him - not even a halfway offer. I’ve made my excuses once more

I’ve mentally walked from my ex. He’s confirmed he wanted a relationship with me before he abruptly changed his mind, and he’s not changed that decision. Wants me in his life and I mean an enormous amount to him. He’s got a lot going on, external to ‘us’, but I’ve drawn the conclusion that the biggest issue in the mix is he’s not over his ex as much as he thought, so he’s not ready to move forward. I also think he was comparing the depth of his relationship with her with me and it wasn’t fair. I guess it is an inevitable mindset for him to have, after more than 10 years with her? It’s still ludicrous to expect me to hit a certain standard after 3 months together! I’ve asked him to explain exactly what happened/what’s going on with him to cause him to walk away from this/switch it to friendship. I know he won’t tell me more about things to do with his ex, because he thinks he’ll hurt me if he admits it. I don’t even think he’ll reply to me because he doesn’t know what to say. I can’t really demand the answers, I know, I just wanted to pose the questions to show him he’s not been fair taking it so far with me, only to walk when things were bloody great between us, and for reasons I don’t understand, because he hasn’t directly told me. I’ve no idea if we could have worked through it. I’m gutted.

I’ve not cut him off but I’ve instead told him I’m focusing on me now and he knows where I am if he wants to tell me the truth. I’ve said it’s up to him to decide if he’s truly happy to lose me because of the reasons he has in his head. I’m not playing this friendship nonsense. He’s dithered so much throughout that I know there’s feelings there, but it’s just become impossible for me to sit on the sidelines, after seeing him again recently, and pretend I can handle a friendship while he sorts himself out. You can guarantee that, if I do that, he’ll move on… with someone else, and I’ll regret waiting. I haven’t directly rejected the offer of friendship, but the implication of what I’ve said is we can’t be friends if he won’t be honest about what’s really going on. It could have been something great, but only he can regret things, if he ever will. I’ve called him out on a few things, and I feel good to have said everything I wanted to, without being nasty or burning bridges. I want him to realise his error, but you can’t force someone to move on and be ready to commit. It’s sad, but I can control what I do next, which is move on.

 

[ThreeSteaksPam]

@Belle123 I’m really, REALLY glad you’ve reached this place and you’re starting to move on. I didn’t want to chip in with my two cents when you were clearly going through a very confusing and upsetting time, but from what you’ve described to us, it reads from an absolute mile away that he’s not over his ex and you’ve found yourself caught in the crosshairs of a great big mess. If I were you, I’d draw a line under the whole experience, stop looking for answers from him and move on. Let his behaviour and the fact that he’s directly told you he doesn’t want a relationship with you be the answers. He’s not going to suddenly realise his mistake and come running back, don’t forget he was back on the apps looking for the next one 5 minutes after he’d pulled the rug out from under you. Obviously there will be things you know about him and your relationship with him that you haven’t shared here, but based on what I’ve read since around Valentine’s Day, he just sounds like every other emotionally unavailable lemon we encounter every day. You sound like a great girl and any man would be lucky to have you, please don’t waste any more of your time waiting for him to have an epiphany. He knows exactly what he stands to lose and it hasn’t changed anything.

I hope this hasn’t come out horribly, it just makes me furious to see good girls being messed around by unavailable men when there are so many others out there who will treat you as you should be treated. You’ve been a great support to a lot of people on here and I think if one of us was describing what’s happening to you, you’d say exactly the same, but much more eloquently.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Signed back up to Bumble and Plenty of Fish this weekend. Have an offer of a date already - I did talk to him on the app at the same time as my now-ex, and I don’t agree to dates that quickly normally! Also talking to this other guy who seems nice and normal - so far! Another guy has asked to meet but he was a bit of an idiot before and didn’t message me at all before we were meant to meet and I decided to back out. He’s proven himself to be the same idiot, because he was lazily suggesting I meet near him - not even a halfway offer. I’ve made my excuses once more

I’ve mentally walked from my ex. He’s confirmed he wanted a relationship with me before he abruptly changed his mind, and he’s not changed that decision. Wants me in his life and I mean an enormous amount to him. He’s got a lot going on, external to ‘us’, but I’ve drawn the conclusion that the biggest issue in the mix is he’s not over his ex as much as he thought, so he’s not ready to move forward. I also think he was comparing the depth of his relationship with her with me and it wasn’t fair. I guess it is an inevitable mindset for him to have, after more than 10 years with her? It’s still ludicrous to expect me to hit a certain standard after 3 months together! I’ve asked him to explain exactly what happened/what’s going on with him to cause him to walk away from this/switch it to friendship. I know he won’t tell me more about things to do with his ex, because he thinks he’ll hurt me if he admits it. I don’t even think he’ll reply to me because he doesn’t know what to say. I can’t really demand the answers, I know, I just wanted to pose the questions to show him he’s not been fair taking it so far with me, only to walk when things were bloody great between us, and for reasons I don’t understand, because he hasn’t directly told me. I’ve no idea if we could have worked through it. I’m gutted.

I’ve not cut him off but I’ve instead told him I’m focusing on me now and he knows where I am if he wants to tell me the truth. I’ve said it’s up to him to decide if he’s truly happy to lose me because of the reasons he has in his head. I’m not playing this friendship nonsense. He’s dithered so much throughout that I know there’s feelings there, but it’s just become impossible for me to sit on the sidelines, after seeing him again recently, and pretend I can handle a friendship while he sorts himself out. You can guarantee that, if I do that, he’ll move on… with someone else, and I’ll regret waiting. I haven’t directly rejected the offer of friendship, but the implication of what I’ve said is we can’t be friends if he won’t be honest about what’s really going on. It could have been something great, but only he can regret things, if he ever will. I’ve called him out on a few things, and I feel good to have said everything I wanted to, without being nasty or burning bridges. I want him to realise his error, but you can’t force someone to move on and be ready to commit. It’s sad, but I can control what I do next, which is move on.

Oh Belle, I feel your pain.
It is very hurtful to realise that there is another person in the background that still has a hold over the person we want to be with and that they have feelings for.

But - and please forgive me for saying this - it doesn't sound to me like you "mentally walked" from him.
To me it sounds like you did all the right things to protect your feelings and your dignity, but that he is still very much in your heart and that you hurt a lot and find it hard to deal with the injustice of him still being somewhat entangled with his ex, as understandable as it is.

It might be a good idea to distract yourself with new dates or it might help to really feel the hurt or maybe it is possible to do both.

I send you lots of love and hope you have a wonderful Sunday with lots of self-care.

 

[Belle123]

@Belle123 I’m really, REALLY glad you’ve reached this place and you’re starting to move on. I didn’t want to chip in with my two cents when you were clearly going through a very confusing and upsetting time, but from what you’ve described to us, it reads from an absolute mile away that he’s not over his ex and you’ve found yourself caught in the crosshairs of a great big mess. If I were you, I’d draw a line under the whole experience, stop looking for answers from him and move on. Let his behaviour and the fact that he’s directly told you he doesn’t want a relationship with you be the answers. He’s not going to suddenly realise his mistake and come running back, don’t forget he was back on the apps looking for the next one 5 minutes after he’d pulled the rug out from under you. Obviously there will be things you know about him and your relationship with him that you haven’t shared here, but based on what I’ve read since around Valentine’s Day, he just sounds like every other emotionally unavailable lemon we encounter every day. You sound like a great girl and any man would be lucky to have you, please don’t waste any more of your time waiting for him to have an epiphany. He knows exactly what he stands to lose and it hasn’t changed anything.

I hope this hasn’t come out horribly, it just makes me furious to see good girls being messed around by unavailable men when there are so many others out there who will treat you as you should be treated. You’ve been a great support to a lot of people on here and I think if one of us was describing what’s happening to you, you’d say exactly the same, but much more eloquently.

Thank you. I really appreciate your kind words I love how forthright you are in your advice on here. It hasn’t come out at all horribly and it’s not lost on me what I’d say if I read my posts. We’re all human and go through our own emotional processes, but that doesn’t make anything you’ve said any less true.

I completely agree that he’s actually been clear with where he’s at regarding us. I know he won’t give me answers. In my head, I’ve treated my questions to him as rhetorical because these lemons usually don’t have a clue what to say when they’re caught on the ropes by an intelligent person. What he’s got to realise from me is that he can’t keep me in his life on his terms. He’s acknowledged what a huge help I’ve been to him and it’s pissed me off that he’s leeched off me in some ways, even if he didn’t meet me for that purpose. It’s just been a good by-product for him because I’m a nice person (not a doormat though). What I refused to do is be the one standing there, continuing to support him, while he explored options. He had the stupidity to say he wants to be there for me. Erm, I’m good thanks. I managed perfectly well before you Either I’m your girlfriend or I’m the woman you used to know - there’s no middle ground! I called him out on the whole dating app thing. He’s backed off them I don’t care how impulsive or lonely he was to do that, he may not even have been looking seriously, but his actions upset me. I said he made me feel discardable. I also told him to think really hard about involving someone else if he was actually looking seriously. I’m just glad I got to tell him all of that. If we don’t tell these lemons, there’s no chance of them learning. Actions have consequences and he has to sort his tit and stop messing good people like me around.

Oh Belle, I feel your pain.
It is very hurtful to realise that there is another person in the background that still has a hold over the person we want to be with and that they have feelings for.

But - and please forgive me for saying this - it doesn't sound to me like you "mentally walked" from him.
To me it sounds like you did all the right things to protect your feelings and your dignity, but that he is still very much in your heart and that you hurt a lot and find it hard to deal with the injustice of him still being somewhat entangled with his ex, as understandable as it is.

It might be a good idea to distract yourself with new dates or it might help to really feel the hurt or maybe it is possible to do both.

I send you lots of love and hope you have a wonderful Sunday with lots of self-care.

Thank you for your kind message. It is hurtful to think he’s not really faced up to things properly before getting in deep with me, but often it takes getting into that situation to actually realise it. Furthermore, he hasn’t put proper boundaries in place to communicate with her over ongoing arrangements, and got himself in a situation that enabled him to feel the hurt all over again. He had to see her basically, and it turned out that happened a few months earlier too, so he knew exactly what the fallout of such interactions was before he met me. Utter fool.

I completely see why you’ve drawn those conclusions, and it’s very kind of you to say what you’ve said. I’m ready to date and wouldn’t bring anyone into a situation I felt would be unfair. I’ve processed a lot this past fortnight in particular and have talked it through with loved ones. If anything, I’ve held myself back from moving on because I was allowing this hold over me. I’ve had these conversations with him precisely to get out of this limbo. I’ve mentally said “enough is enough”. He may not ever come back and I don’t want to miss opportunities if I sit and dwell for much longer than is healthy. I don’t think he’s going to be out of his situation for most of the rest of this year. I can’t put myself on hold or keep him in my head for much longer. I’ve mentally moved on as best I can, and will be an ongoing process in the coming weeks.

Hope that makes sense why I am dating again, and it’s not to hide from my true feelings. No, I cannot switch them off, but I’m not unavailable to anyone else either. It will probably take a while to find someone else compatible so I feel ready to hit the ground running.

 

[millsymilsean]

@Belle123 I completely echo what the others have said. You are so strong to finally come out the other end and decide to move on. That’s a really hard step to take and one that you should be proud of yourself for! You’ve showed up for yourself and honoured your feelings and put yourself first and that’s no easy task. You’re going to find someone wonderful who is available and completely single and ready for you, no doubt about it!

Ah this sounds strange.

Why is the guy you slept with not a viable option.



This sounds like a painful situation to be in - do you have feelings for him?

He’s just out of a relationship and he’s also moving away at the end of the year so I can’t let myself get attached annoying because he’s the most fun, comfortable dating experience I’ve had in like two years hahaha. But such is life

 

[Sandor]

@Belle123 Oh Belle, I’m so sorry but also proud of you for being so articulate and strong. I don’t think it’s as clear cut as he’s a dick but he’s definitely been one by dithering. And this idea you can be friends with these men when you’ve never just been friends is so cruel. Those kind of friendships are the exception and I wish they didn't think it was some kind of viable alternative when they know how we feel about them.

 

[dreamteam1]

Ok I want your opinions, for those of you in the early stages of dating, how often would you expect or want to see them? Also, how often do you think is reasonable to communicate?

 

[LaBlonde]

@Belle123 - i can’t add much to what everyone has already (very eloquently) said but i just wanted to say that i’m proud of you it takes a lot to walk away, especially from someone you have strong feelings for, and well done for doing the best thing for yourself. i am sending so much good vibes for the coming year for you (and for all of us!) x

Ok I want your opinions, for those of you in the early stages of dating, how often would you expect or want to see them? Also, how often do you think is reasonable to communicate?

i’m a huge introvert who feels smothered very easily so i think my idea of how often i would want to see someone might be different from the majority i’m chill with once a week or even slightly longer in the early stages. i do expect regular contact though, don’t mind skipping a day here and there if we’re busy, but i prefer daily. i am aware that this is a contradiction to how often i want to see them in person

currently messaging a guy who seems…… promising? it’s been a few days of daily messaging, where we’ve discovered that we went to the same primary school and grew up a street apart (i moved away from my home city when i was 10), which is weird he was the year above me so i don’t really remember him but small world! not getting my hopes up yet but enjoying chatting to him so far.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Ok I want your opinions, for those of you in the early stages of dating, how often would you expect or want to see them? Also, how often do you think is reasonable to communicate?

It's such an individual thing tbh. I have my child majority of the time so unless I get a sitter it's hard for me to commit to more than every other weekend. I like talking daily though.



For anyone interested, persia lawson (love coach) is doing a romantic masterclass on April 13th @ 7pm (UK time)

 

[Belle123]

@millsymilsean Thank you for your kind words

@Sandor Thank you One friend has bluntly called him a dick It happens across the board, in different situations, but there are plenty of men out there who are so wrapped up in their own feelings and problems, they fail to properly see past the end of their own nose and how their choices directly impact on someone who came into their lives for very honourable reasons.

You’re so right. In this situation, when you didn’t start off as friends and have had an intimate relationship, friendship is impossible. I agreed to it in the first place thinking I’d never hear from him again. He carried on dithering and it’s that action that’s driven me nuts - I know he cares but he cares more about keeping me in play while deciding what to do next.

@LaBlonde Thank you as ever for your support Good vibes all round here, and I’m so grateful I can let things out here with like-minded ladies

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

@Belle123 - do you feel like he lied to you in the beginning?

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

@Belle123 Oh Belle, I’m so sorry but also proud of you for being so articulate and strong. I don’t think it’s as clear cut as he’s a dick but he’s definitely been one by dithering. And this idea you can be friends with these men when you’ve never just been friends is so cruel. Those kind of friendships are the exception and I wish they didn't think it was some kind of viable alternative when they know how we feel about them.

Spot on! I actually say to them now - I don’t need another friend, I’ve got plenty of them!

Ok I want your opinions, for those of you in the early stages of dating, how often would you expect or want to see them? Also, how often do you think is reasonable to communicate?

I like to speak everyday (not all day obviously people have jobs lol) but check in a few time’s a day. And at first I don’t mind just seeing them once maybe twice a week, but as it develops I’d like to see them abit more but I think everyone is different and it depends how busy people are/distance/work commitments

 

[Belle123]

@Belle123 - do you feel like he lied to you in the beginning?

About what specifically?

Spot on! I actually say to them now - I don’t need another friend, I’ve got plenty of them!

Absolutely! If we’d gone on one or two dates and got a friend vibe over a romantic one, great, but not once the threshold has been crossed into a romantic relationship.

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

About what specifically?


Absolutely! If we’d gone on one or two dates and got a friend vibe over a romantic one, great, but not once the threshold has been crossed into a romantic relationship.

Yes! Especially if you’ve been intimate with them like it would be awkward aswell! I think sometimes they try and remain ‘friends’ as a way of keeping communication open so that they can reserve you as an option if they need it, I’ve experienced that. I am not a meal prep - you can’t save me for later lol. I have a good male friend but can’t imagine our friendship being as it is if we’d been flirting and stuff

Does anyone else feel the singleness hit them most on a Sunday? I don’t know maybe it’s just the hangover (even though I still feel the same on a Sunday most times lol). I guess mon to fri I’m busy working. I don’t feel lonely I have my daughter and spend most of my time with her but I feel the lack of adult conversation If that makes sense!

 

[Thank(space)you]

Does anyone else feel the singleness hit them most on a Sunday? I don’t know maybe it’s just the hangover (even though I still feel the same on a Sunday most times lol). I guess mon to fri I’m busy working. I don’t feel lonely I have my daughter and spend most of my time with her but I feel the lack of adult conversation If that makes sense!

Yes, very much so. Trying to keep that feeling at bay.