Dating after lockdown #19 Opened Tinder. Saw “👉🏻👌🏻 ?”. Closed Tinder.

[realhousewivewannabe]

Eek… go on spill!

Okok so after almost two years of trying to “dating after lockdown” and at the grand old age of 29

I have my first ever boyfriend I feel 5 writing this. He is the kindest man I’ve met. I didn’t even know men could be genuinely kind or nice. I’ve known them to be nice to a point and when I don’t sleep with them or whatever they want their true colours show or they play me. I just feel safe and comfortable with him. I have put my self sabotage behaviour and my freak outs to the side. Nothing I’ve told him so far has scared him off and he’s survived meeting family.(as in the ones I live with)

 

[Clementine]

I spoke to a man for 7 weeks before we met who was never inappropriate, didn’t feel the need to tell me about his sexual state or ask for pictures…we’re now dating. So they exist!

 

[ThreeSteaksPam]

I do find it bizarre how many catastrophic things seem to happen to people and their family members around the time of a first or second date. Call me a cynic but for me, Sick Child kind of falls into the same category as Dead Nan. It’s never just a tummy bug is it? It’s always something really extreme that requires hospitalisation and that you kind of can’t question or you just sound like a dick. I mean I probably sound like a dick right now and of course some people will be genuine, but we see this SO much, as soon as there’s a sniff of a poorly relative I’m immediately like

 

[Clementine]

Oh and this

Good luck to everyone going on dates and navigating the shitshow that is modern dating

 

[ThreeSteaksPam]

@Belle123 I’m really, REALLY glad you’ve reached this place and you’re starting to move on. I didn’t want to chip in with my two cents when you were clearly going through a very confusing and upsetting time, but from what you’ve described to us, it reads from an absolute mile away that he’s not over his ex and you’ve found yourself caught in the crosshairs of a great big mess. If I were you, I’d draw a line under the whole experience, stop looking for answers from him and move on. Let his behaviour and the fact that he’s directly told you he doesn’t want a relationship with you be the answers. He’s not going to suddenly realise his mistake and come running back, don’t forget he was back on the apps looking for the next one 5 minutes after he’d pulled the rug out from under you. Obviously there will be things you know about him and your relationship with him that you haven’t shared here, but based on what I’ve read since around Valentine’s Day, he just sounds like every other emotionally unavailable lemon we encounter every day. You sound like a great girl and any man would be lucky to have you, please don’t waste any more of your time waiting for him to have an epiphany. He knows exactly what he stands to lose and it hasn’t changed anything.

I hope this hasn’t come out horribly, it just makes me furious to see good girls being messed around by unavailable men when there are so many others out there who will treat you as you should be treated. You’ve been a great support to a lot of people on here and I think if one of us was describing what’s happening to you, you’d say exactly the same, but much more eloquently.

 

[Bagpuss7]

You know sometimes ignorance is bliss / be careful where you snoop...long story short I've been seeing a guy on and off for over 6 years, we have become friends but he decided early on that his career was his main focus( military) and that he didn't want a full time relationship and I was fine with that, worked for me and I enjoyed the easy no stress or drama time I had with him. I guess the term for it is fwb and we are certainly good friends.

Sooo he has periods where he goes quiet but that's par for the course with his job role and how much he goes away. And he's been quiet recently...I'm not even sure why I did it tbh but I couldn't sleep last night so went down a big ole fb wormhole and I stumbled across a picture of him and a woman from 2008, the caption named him and the person with him as his wife. I looked her up and her profile picture is her and him and there were pics of 2 little girls and recent holiday pics. I'm not sure how I'm feeling tbh, sad for his wife, shocked that he's lied to me for years, not sure how I deal with him moving forward. I'm struggling emotionally at the moment and I'm scared at how empty I feel, emotionless if that makes sense. Why do people lie ? this is years of lies too...he's not the man I thought he was. Thoughts ladies ?

 

[Tender & Tired]

Morning all. For those who remember me things are going really well with my guitar man. we have been seeing each other nearly 3 months now. That’s gone so fast. Things are mostly going along well apart from a few of my friends who are projecting their own issues onto us. I have known him 18 years so it’s not like he’s totally ‘new’ to me. We have said the L word a few times now.

My one friend took it on herself the other week while we were out, to drag him aside and interrogate him about saying he loves me. She’s decided it’s too fast. She also then started lecturing him about how hard it is to raise Special needs children (my daughter has autism) at this point, I lost my temper.

I’m not asking him to raise my child, she’s got a father. I am so angry at my friend for interfering in this way. Luckily guitar man already knows all about my daughter and paid no attention to my friend. But I am so annoyed she could have easily scared him away by sticking her nose into stuff.

She doesn’t have what you would call a conventional relationship with her partner so I think she tries to get involved in everyone else’s lives.

Woo sorry for that long rant! needed to get that out my system though lol

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Yes, I still want to see him because I'm mad about him.

Don't. He is playing with you: "needed a few more adventures"??? Please.
He is simply trying to keep you warm. Don't be his toy.

 

[unidentified]

I WENT ON A DATE! I really enjoyed his company and I looked at him and thought I could kiss you in time. I’ve felt so comfortable talking to him and can’t say anything wrong with him other than he owns cats. This is so not like me. He messaged within 5 mins of us parting ways and said how much he enjoyed our date and has already asked to see me again eeeek!

 

[Clickbait]

I started seeing someone a few years ago who had asked a mutual friend to be introduced to me after spotting me in photos with another mutual friend. He had come out of a long term relationship at the start of the year (we met mid-March) and his mantra was “I’m not looking for a relationship” and he told me that a lot.

We were living 200 miles apart to begin with so that suited me, we saw each other sporadically although got on well when we did. When I moved to the same city as him 8 months later I thought that perhaps he might be ready to consider a relationship because we could spend more time together and see how things were. Saw him in the December for our housewarming party (another girl tried hitting on him and he made it very clear he was with me and not interested) and stayed over. Told me in the morning it would be good to see each other more often but he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

On Facebook on NYD he announces he is now in a relationship with some random girl. I did lose my shit a little because I felt it was disrespectful to announce it on there without first letting me know.

Fact is the missing part to that sentence is always “with you” - even if they don’t know you very well, even if you’ve done nothing ‘wrong’, even if you have a great time when you’re together, there is something that isn’t there for them to make that commitment. The ones who really like you are decisive because they don’t want to miss the opportunity to be with you.

Anything else is just noise. If someone is not committing then leave them to it. Having to nag/ persuade / convince / beg someone why you’re the right one for them is beneath you. Plus you’ll never know if the relationship was created on your merits or if you wore them down/ they decided to settle.

 

[ThreeSteaksPam]

@Mr Sparkle If he’s nearly 40 and has never been in a relationship, casual or otherwise, for longer than your 2 month “thing” as he puts it, I’d say that tells you everything you need to know unfortunately. The way you’ve described the dates you’ve been on and the things you’ve done together, it sounds to me like he wants the girlfriend experience but without the commitment. That’s before we consider the harem of other “things” that he’s still keeping friendly with - I’m not sure how that would sit with me if I’m honest. It would be interesting to know if he’s repeated the same pattern with them in terms of introducing them to friends within a few weeks of meeting and that’s his MO before eventually saying he’s only looking for casual when they start asking for something more. I wouldn’t give him anymore access to you now, you’ve told him what you want and if he can’t / won’t give it, leave him to carry on.

 

[Clickbait]

Yeah, the more I think about that message the angrier I am.

The adventure part I think does refer to plans with me as he was due to join me on a little adventure I'm taking next month, rather than sleeping around. But then I remember the fact that he updated his dating profile before updating me and... Yeah, who knows.

I think you’re well within your rights to ask ‘what is it about me and the time we’ve spent together that still means you have doubts or are unsure?

It feels like you enjoy the relationship experience but are afraid of a label.

Equally do you realise that not speaking to me but finding time whilst “working days and nights” to update your dating profile sends a pretty conclusive message about your priorities?’

I’d love to see how he tries to wriggle off that hook!

Ultimately this is a shit situation - you want to be in a relationship with him, he’s taking it so far but refusing to fully commit whilst not really explaining why. You’ve tried to set a boundary and he’s tried to play mind games so you’ll feel guilty and allow him to continue his dithering, enjoy a trip away with you, all the while making no effort to meet your need for clarity over commitment.

I hate it when men say they’re not looking for anything serious/ a relationship / just looking for fun as though being in a relationship is a hellish state, void of enjoyment or amusement. Either they’ve been in relationships with the wrong people or what they mean is they want to continue to play the field.

So why not just say “I am not ready for any kind of commitment, I want to focus on myself and my needs/wants before anything else, I want to keep my options open and be able to shag other women as and when the chance presents itself but I’d like to see you when I feel like it.” The reason why is that many women who have gone to the effort of joining a dating site are looking for more than that and if they’re honest they won’t get any dates.

Modern dating really can be toxic and deeply depressing.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

So ive just signed up for bumble BFF and honestly I think my list of no nos is even longer than it was for the men I can’t judge, my bio is awful too and it’s very cringy trying to sell yourself as a potential friend but seriously I don’t need to know what Harry Potter house you’d be in, or that you like ‘nights out and in’ (so that’s just nights in general) or that you want to build an empowering beautiful friendship.. I think I’m just a terrible human. Everything puts me off. A single use of the word ‘giggles’ and I’m outta there haha. So far I have matched with… my real life best friend who also signed up

 

[Mr Sparkle]

Had the chat with this guy last night. Wish I had a positive update for you but it turns out he's not sure what he wants and might just want something casual.

He's almost 40 and has never been in a relationship, is friends with plenty of the women he's dated casually in the past and said that our "thing" (2 months) is one of the longer "things" he's had. He said he's broken things off in the past because it "was either too explosive or not explosive enough".

I made it clear I'm not looking for something casual and wouldn't want to stay friends if that's the way he goes. He was like, "okay, I've got a lot of thinking to do". He was so affectionate and lovely this morning, and said let's talk soon about it.

I'm gutted and had a little cry on the way home. But just trying to remember this isn't my fault or "lack of" anything.

 

[LaBlonde]

also, a friend of mine is going on a fourth date this weekend with a guy she really likes who had pulled out all the stops to take her to an amazing restaurant in her favourite place etc etc and i’m being all supportive and excited because i genuinely am but i am also:

ladies i have finally reached my final destination: bitterness

 

[LaBlonde]

the date, unsurprisingly, did not happen. he has rearranged for next weekend, which i’ve agreed to in principle, but idk - like i said before my instincts are telling me the interest has either gone or been taken up by someone else he’s messaging. have gone from messages throughout the day into one or two messages in the evening which instantly gives me

i truly don’t know why i find this so hard, or why it’s so hard for me. nothing ever seems to come to anything, i never get into the facetime/voicenote side of messaging let alone actually going on a date let alone having options for dates. urgh.

on the plus side i had a lovely day with a friend of mine instead so am feeling very loved by the people i have around me. and, i guess, that’s the truly valuable thing

 

[ThreeSteaksPam]

@Mr Sparkle It looks pretty clear to me. He wants to carry on shagging around having adventures and has no intention of making any kind of commitment to you. He’s packaged that message up in some very flowery language that’s designed to confuse and manipulate you, but that’s ultimately what he’s saying.

It’s great that he’s managed to make time in his busy week to update his dating profile though. Priorities and all that..

 

[LaBlonde]

Why?!? Surely this is the kind of chat you’d have with someone only OF, or someone your seeing, so seedy! I’m not matching anyone who has anything to do with sex on their profile lol

urgh the complete laziness of writing “3some” too! (hope he put more energy into the actual event)

 

[LaBlonde]

ladies i think i may have a date lined up prepare to go on this anxiety journey with me!

the disappointment when men show their “real” selves after a nice conversation is the absolute worst. like, why? was the decent part an act and now they’re showing their true selves? or is it the other way around? anyone who suggests going to their house or coming to my house as a first date is an absolute no-go for me. @ThreeSteaksPam - i’m glad you went off on that guy.

 

[Wowitsme]

A few more adventures……