Dating after lockdown #18 Show me your c*ck and I will block

[UndrTheCosh]

Each to their own - I always prefer the mature approach but we are all different

 

[Wowitsme]

Instead of ignoring him, just politely say you don’t think you are compatible and you can both move on…1. That’s the respectful thing to do and 2. He’ll most likely be in touch again otherwise

I agree with this, it’s always best to treat people how you would expect to be treated. Just because we have been victims of ghosting doesn’t mean we should do that to others. But that is just my personal opinion.

 

[wafflesnwings]

I agree with the once a day texts: absolutely pathetic. I experienced that when I was a bit younger - once I stopped messaging him first, it fizzled out and I forgot about him, until I got that dreaded post-three month message of 'hello trouble, how's it going?' (the unsexiest message in the world and a true sign of a f*ck boy). Also: it's a well-known fact that most people now come with a smartphone firmly attached to their hands - unless this man is the world's top brain surgeon or works for the CIA, one text a day is really shoddy form. We deserve a banquet; not crumbs! Good morning, good night texts and phone calls are all ways of building and maintaining intimacy - it surprises me how that gets overlooked and branded as 'clingy behaviour' when really it's a sign of someone caring and choosing you every day.

@Mr Sparkle I am so happy for you!! I think my smile rivalled that of the Cheshire Cat's while reading your posts! It's so good he's including you with his friends and that you're bonding with them too - I have always felt that it's a very positive step if your love interest shares parts of their life, such as friends, with you. Onwards and upwards!

@Pixipoppy I want to give you such a big hug. I am so sorry to hear you are going through a painful time, and I hope that it passes quickly for you. Please remember to choose yourself first no matter what. No one is ever worth disturbing your inner peace, your stability, your emotional core and sense of self. It is never too late - or too deep - to remove yourself from a situation that will cause you harm. You will find someone worthy of standing next to you - love doesn't belittle or shame/humiliate or dilute us; sh*tty people and their behaviours do. Unfortunately, we seem to be living in a time where mass narcissism is rife. When it comes to how people behave - especially a love interest - believe what you see; not what could be (it's easy to fall in love with potential, which makes us so vulnerable). I remember hearing this poignant line somewhere ages ago (I think it's from a song), which says something along the lines of: 'I love myself far more than I love you' - this came to my mind when I read your posts. I hope you're taking time for yourself (whether that's reading a book, doing a face mask, going for a swim or dancing about in your room to music that lifts your heart). A book that helped me to come to terms with a very, very painful moment in my love life, is called All About Love by bell hooks - I'd really recommend reading it; for me it felt like a balm

 

[Vegasbaby33]

Please remember to choose yourself first no matter what. No one is ever worth disturbing your inner peace, your stability, your emotional core and sense of self. It is never too late - or too deep - to remove yourself from a situation that will cause you harm

Just popped back onto this thread...and this really resonated with me and thinking about my friend who's in the abusive relationship...you've worded it so well

 

[wafflesnwings]

Just popped back onto this thread...and this really resonated with me and thinking about my friend who's in the abusive relationship...you've worded it so well

Oh my goodness I'm sorry they are in such a relationship it's one of the most awful and heartbreaking situations to see a friend or loved one be in - I really hope they are able to overcome any trauma bonds, coercive control and fear to safely leave it as soon as they can - hugs -

 

[Vegasbaby33]

@wafflesnwings Thank you so much. I posted about it a few weeks back- I had to call the police on him and it's all been pretty awful. It's really hard being a friend as I desperately want her to leave, but know it's not that easy, and of course now I can't see her or hardly speak to her as he tracks her every move She'll get there I hope, and guess all I can do is be there when she's ready.

 

[wafflesnwings]

Ah I didn't realise you posted about it - I'm sorry for missing this and will read what you shared. What a nasty man!! You did the right thing calling the police (you can even call them to do welfare checks/calls on the home/where she lives; I learned of this last week and it forms as part of a record for the police to have). @Vegasbaby33 I'm hoping with you and rooting for your friend to get there too. You are a force of strength and love: a wonderful friend with a beautiful soul

 

[Tangent Tiger]

@Vegasbaby33 what a horrible situation, I hope she gets out soon

I was thinking about joining this thread, but then decided I'm not ready to date yet.

My only 'love life' atm is someone who is far too young for me is interested, so I told him no. My resolve nearly faltered yesterday when he opened the door with no shirt and I was confronted with a Brad Pitt chest! It took a couple of seconds to compose myself

I'll be back when/if I start to date!

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

Each to their own - I always prefer the mature approach but we are all different

I’m not immature I just don’t feel I need to explain myself to someone who has sent me 5 texts in a week lol if he can show me that little interest I owe him nothing..

I agree with this, it’s always best to treat people how you would expect to be treated. Just because we have been victims of ghosting doesn’t mean we should do that to others. But that is just my personal opinion.

I don’t understand how im ghosting someone who has sent me five texts in a week he’s had chance to show an interest and he hasn’t really.. as I’ve said if we’d of been having a proper conversation or actually met up I would say something but to text someone ‘sorry I’m not guna talk to you anymore cos we’re not compatible’ the guy probably won’t even notice lol. It’s not like I’m dumping the guy and it’s rele not that deep but like whoever said above each to their own lol

Each to their own - I always prefer the mature approach but we are all different

Also you can’t call someone immature whom you know nothing about just because they have a different approach to you I thought this was a none judgemental space lol

I agree with the once a day texts: absolutely pathetic. I experienced that when I was a bit younger - once I stopped messaging him first, it fizzled out and I forgot about him, until I got that dreaded post-three month message of 'hello trouble, how's it going?' (the unsexiest message in the world and a true sign of a f*ck boy). Also: it's a well-known fact that most people now come with a smartphone firmly attached to their hands - unless this man is the world's top brain surgeon or works for the CIA, one text a day is really shoddy form. We deserve a banquet; not crumbs! Good morning, good night texts and phone calls are all ways of building and maintaining intimacy - it surprises me how that gets overlooked and branded as 'clingy behaviour' when really it's a sign of someone caring and choosing you every day.

@Mr Sparkle I am so happy for you!! I think my smile rivalled that of the Cheshire Cat's while reading your posts! It's so good he's including you with his friends and that you're bonding with them too - I have always felt that it's a very positive step if your love interest shares parts of their life, such as friends, with you. Onwards and upwards!

@Pixipoppy I want to give you such a big hug. I am so sorry to hear you are going through a painful time, and I hope that it passes quickly for you. Please remember to choose yourself first no matter what. No one is ever worth disturbing your inner peace, your stability, your emotional core and sense of self. It is never too late - or too deep - to remove yourself from a situation that will cause you harm. You will find someone worthy of standing next to you - love doesn't belittle or shame/humiliate or dilute us; sh*tty people and their behaviours do. Unfortunately, we seem to be living in a time where mass narcissism is rife. When it comes to how people behave - especially a love interest - believe what you see; not what could be (it's easy to fall in love with potential, which makes us so vulnerable). I remember hearing this poignant line somewhere ages ago (I think it's from a song), which says something along the lines of: 'I love myself far more than I love you' - this came to my mind when I read your posts. I hope you're taking time for yourself (whether that's reading a book, doing a face mask, going for a swim or dancing about in your room to music that lifts your heart). A book that helped me to come to terms with a very, very painful moment in my love life, is called All About Love by bell hooks - I'd really recommend reading it; for me it felt like a balm

I spat my tea out at the hello trouble did he actually expect you to continue as normal after 3 months of no communication exactly I’ve done my time with effortless people! Why settle for crumbs when you can have a whole cake? It does just fizzle out you can’t build something without trying. I get sometimes they don’t try because they have things going on but you don’t get to reserve someone for later lol

Each to their own - I always prefer the mature approach but we are all different

I mean if he text me mentioning the date I would then respond politely explaining why I wouldn’t ever stand someone up without explaining. But other than that I wouldn’t contact him. I do appreciate people see things differently that’s the thing about dating I guess

 

[Bagpuss7]

I’m not immature I just don’t feel I need to explain myself to someone who has sent me 5 texts in a week lol if he can show me that little interest I owe him nothing..


I don’t understand how im ghosting someone who has sent me five texts in a week he’s had chance to show an interest and he hasn’t really.. as I’ve said if we’d of been having a proper conversation or actually met up I would say something but to text someone ‘sorry I’m not guna talk to you anymore cos we’re not compatible’ the guy probably won’t even notice lol. It’s not like I’m dumping the guy and it’s rele not that deep but like whoever said above each to their own lol


Also you can’t call someone immature whom you know nothing about just because they have a different approach to you I thought this was a none judgemental space lol


I spat my tea out at the hello trouble did he actually expect you to continue as normal after 3 months of no communication exactly I’ve done my time with effortless people! Why settle for crumbs when you can have a whole cake? It does just fizzle out you can’t build something without trying. I get sometimes they don’t try because they have things going on but you don’t get to reserve someone for later lol

You do what works for you. I send the closure text for me..just because they don't bother doesn't mean that I have to be the same way. If it's not working for me I will send a text wishing them all the best with their search or just wishing them well. It takes 30 seconds to type a text. I guess we all have different ways of dealing with these situations but we can't then complain about men ghosting if we do a similar version of it ourselves? But that's just my opinion!

 

[MsCurly]

You do what works for you. I send the closure text for me..just because they don't bother doesn't mean that I have to be the same way. If it's not working for me I will send a text wishing them all the best with their search or just wishing them well. It takes 30 seconds to type a text. I guess we all have different ways of dealing with these situations but we can't then complain about men ghosting if we do a similar version of it ourselves? But that's just my opinion!

Different strokes for different folks, right?

For me it really depends on the situation. If the guy has been polite and gentlemanlike I will send a nice final message. Regarding fuckboys/toy boys/ toxic people I always enjoy a good F U or a GIF that clearly shows them how I feel about them (preferably one of Michael Scott vomiting or screaming GOD NO).

 

[Clickbait]

I think it could be seen as passive aggressive to send a text to say “I’ve decided I’m no longer interested and we’re not compatible” to someone you’ve never met and have barely communicated with. It gives the impression that you care a lot more than you actually do and I’m of the opinion it’s unnecessary. I don’t think this man will even notice the OP ceasing contact.

 

[wafflesnwings]

I’m not immature I just don’t feel I need to explain myself to someone who has sent me 5 texts in a week lol if he can show me that little interest I owe him nothing..


I don’t understand how im ghosting someone who has sent me five texts in a week he’s had chance to show an interest and he hasn’t really.. as I’ve said if we’d of been having a proper conversation or actually met up I would say something but to text someone ‘sorry I’m not guna talk to you anymore cos we’re not compatible’ the guy probably won’t even notice lol. It’s not like I’m dumping the guy and it’s rele not that deep but like whoever said above each to their own lol


Also you can’t call someone immature whom you know nothing about just because they have a different approach to you I thought this was a none judgemental space lol


I spat my tea out at the hello trouble did he actually expect you to continue as normal after 3 months of no communication exactly I’ve done my time with effortless people! Why settle for crumbs when you can have a whole cake? It does just fizzle out you can’t build something without trying. I get sometimes they don’t try because they have things going on but you don’t get to reserve someone for later lol


I mean if he text me mentioning the date I would then respond politely explaining why I wouldn’t ever stand someone up without explaining. But other than that I wouldn’t contact him. I do appreciate people see things differently that’s the thing about dating I guess

People respond differently and however they choose to - I feel it's really important to give grace to ourselves in that sense. I've ghosted men in the past because I honestly couldn't handle how manipulative they were or the emotional guilt trip they would try with me - and even if I had communicated that to them, they wouldn't have understood or respected my thoughts. There's a therapist I follow on IG called Nedra Tawwab and she did a small post about ghosting - it gave me food for thought as I still feel quite muddled about ghosting, because it's awful to experience and I feel guilty about ghosting guys myself.

In dating - and general life - we can only meet people where they currently are - and often that can be frustrating (especially when people don't realise the effects of their actions). I like to think that everyone is on a journey and hopefully building on their self-awareness etc. and that there is hope for everyone.

LOL I know! "Hello trouble" you know? I was like: "excuse me sir, my name is wafflesnwings!" - tbh I think he was trying his luck and his little head had taken over, plus it really had fizzled out and I wasn't into him (emotionally unavailability and distant behaviour is generally a huge turn off for me).
I totally know what you mean; I've stopped making efforts with those who don't meet me halfway. Life is too short and yes to the whole cake!
I also don't like people who keep others in their life because they plan to date them in the future (if that makes sense) - it's so unfair and a really cheap way of treating someone

 

[unidentified]

Absolute catches

 

[MsCurly]

Absolute catches

"I love every type of person"... Lists 3 types of people he doesn't want to match in the sentence before that.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

The audacity! As they say on Female Dating Strategy.

 

[yankydoo]

Absolute catches

The first guy's IG handle is showing so you may want to scrub it out. Must admit I just stalked him

 

[Belle123]

I think if you’re in the chatting stage and it’s as low effort as one text a day, you can step back a bit and see whether they initiate/pick up the pace. I like a man to initiate initially, and then I will start a conversation or two as well, to reciprocate. If I sense no interest/low effort I do back off. If you must have an answer here, you really need to take action by cutting to the chase and ask him out for a coffee. See what the response is. If he’s wishy washy, that is an answer and you should back away. You don’t need to say anything like “I think we want different things”. You don’t need to do this - you haven’t even met, so there’s no investment here. This feeds in to what I’ve side before about meeting within a week or two. Get a feel for him and, if all is good, get on a date. You want to invest in actual physical dates, not meaningless chatter over text.

I will add at this stage that, if conversations pre-first date are great, he’s showing clear interest and you change your mind, you should communicate that nicely to him - but don’t blame it on your Nan being ill

I very much agree with treating people as you want to be treated, but context comes into that and what we actually owe to strangers. I am a people pleaser, and us sort get annoyed because it’s not what we would do, and we end up letting that frustration out with passive aggressive thoughts/messages, when walking away is actually acceptable. If he’s low effort, that to me equates to you being low effort. You’re actually mirroring him.

It’s once you’ve met that expectations change regarding communication. I do expect him to be upfront if he’s not interested. If I’ve met someone and see nothing more happening, I tell him nicely so it’s clear for him as well as me that we are at the end. If he has asked me out, then all is good and things progress. If he hasn’t and/or he is low-effort with me after I’ve tried to communicate post-date (because I’ve decided I would actually like to see him again), I’ll text to gauge the responses and either fade out to match him or, and what I’m more likely to do, ask him out again to really assess it. What sometimes happens is that he may need your assurance you’re interested and for you to suggest the date. So he pulls back a bit to see what you do. This is why you should shoot your shot if you want to do that. What have you got to lose, and why not get the answer? You may end up very happy with the answer. So my point is simple: if we don’t ask, we don’t get and if we are not interested after meeting, you should politely tell him and not fade out/ghost.

 

[Bagpuss7]

The first guy's IG handle is showing so you may want to scrub it out. Must admit I just stalked him

Definitely needs sorting as his children are on his Instagram...but then again why would you put that on Tinder ! He's definitely one for the bin!

 

[unidentified]

Eeek I hadn’t noticed and it won’t let me edit to remove