Hey all, been a lurker on this thread for a while but felt I needed to join today because I’ve just been dumped. For the second time, in the space of 6 Mo the, by the same guy & im devastated. Sorry this will be long.
I’ve known of him since high school (I’m 29 now). we initially started dating October last year for 1 month & it was quite intense. After 1 month he decided he didn’t want a relationship & had freaked out at how fast it was going. I was upset but left it.
anyway, December, he came back apologising etc saying he’d been in a bad place mentally & just completely freaked out & we picked things back up because he appeared to be genuine.
everything’s been great (or so I thought) I’ve met all his friends numerous times, met all his family, he’s met mine, we spent a lot of time together, no arguments or issues. For the last month or so he has been down about his job & more so in the last few weeks I started to notice his mood being worse.He like wasn’t bothered about cleaning up & his hygiene as much etc so I had a feeling he was slipping into a bit of depression.
anyway, right up until Sunday everything’s been fine, he’s constantly complimenting me, saying he loved me, he was drunk Saturday & was saying he wants to be with me forever & all this. He usually phones Me/FT a lot but Monday I was in the office for work but he never phoned me later that night & I just got this gut feeling.
anyway today he’s done exactly what he did to me back in November. Saying he’s down/not happy (although it’s not me that’s not making him happy) & he doesn’t know how/why he’s feeling but he just knows “this” isn’t right. So I go over to collect my things & he proceeds to explain that there’s no “spark” his end. That he does love me but isn’t “in love” with me. That I’m amazing & im so good for him but his gut is saying “somethings missing” & that means something isn’t right but he doesn’t know what’s missing. So when I’ve questioned all the stuff he’s said/him behaving the way he has he just said he was probably trying to convince himself but he doesn’t want to lie. Obviously this has completely destroyed me because I didn’t see it coming. At all.
he then said he felt this way before (oct) but put it down to it being him/his low mood at the time so that’s why he contacted me again to try pick things back up. But obviously instead of just going on a few dates again to see if this “spark” was there, he sold me a dream & was telling me he loved me& all this & made me think we were on the same page.
i left then & he followed & just continued to make things worse/more confusing saying that it’s not that he doesn’t find me attractive because I’m “amazing & stunning” but it might be my personality… but then went on to say “but I still want to hang out with you, do things, go for coffee because I genuinely like you & like spending time with you” but a second ago it was my personality?? So why would you want to spend time with me??
He was on about staying friends which I said I couldn’t/didn’t want to do this.
i just feel extremely lost & confused & hurt.
this is my first “relationship” that I’ve tried after getting out of a really toxic relationship with a narc at the start of the first lockdown. It was a huge thing for me to let someone back in nearly 2 years after building myself back up & I honestly thought this guy was possibly my person (as daft as that sounds).
i don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’m just so so upset, I don’t know what I did wrong…Im back to questioning my judgement again which I worked so hard on after coming out of my previous relationship.
i wouldn’t want to be with someone if they don’t want to be with me, so I’m glad it’s happened now rather than months down the line but I also just don’t understand everything he has said because none of his actions/previous words match what’s just come out now & I don’t get it. It felt initially that he was unhappy with his life (ie job/money/motivation etc) that he’s just decided to shut me out completely but then he said all this about the spark so I have to respect that he said he feels this way but I’m just lost
I’ve known of him since high school (I’m 29 now). we initially started dating October last year for 1 month & it was quite intense. After 1 month he decided he didn’t want a relationship & had freaked out at how fast it was going. I was upset but left it.
anyway, December, he came back apologising etc saying he’d been in a bad place mentally & just completely freaked out & we picked things back up because he appeared to be genuine.
everything’s been great (or so I thought) I’ve met all his friends numerous times, met all his family, he’s met mine, we spent a lot of time together, no arguments or issues. For the last month or so he has been down about his job & more so in the last few weeks I started to notice his mood being worse.He like wasn’t bothered about cleaning up & his hygiene as much etc so I had a feeling he was slipping into a bit of depression.
anyway, right up until Sunday everything’s been fine, he’s constantly complimenting me, saying he loved me, he was drunk Saturday & was saying he wants to be with me forever & all this. He usually phones Me/FT a lot but Monday I was in the office for work but he never phoned me later that night & I just got this gut feeling.
anyway today he’s done exactly what he did to me back in November. Saying he’s down/not happy (although it’s not me that’s not making him happy) & he doesn’t know how/why he’s feeling but he just knows “this” isn’t right. So I go over to collect my things & he proceeds to explain that there’s no “spark” his end. That he does love me but isn’t “in love” with me. That I’m amazing & im so good for him but his gut is saying “somethings missing” & that means something isn’t right but he doesn’t know what’s missing. So when I’ve questioned all the stuff he’s said/him behaving the way he has he just said he was probably trying to convince himself but he doesn’t want to lie. Obviously this has completely destroyed me because I didn’t see it coming. At all.
he then said he felt this way before (oct) but put it down to it being him/his low mood at the time so that’s why he contacted me again to try pick things back up. But obviously instead of just going on a few dates again to see if this “spark” was there, he sold me a dream & was telling me he loved me& all this & made me think we were on the same page.
i left then & he followed & just continued to make things worse/more confusing saying that it’s not that he doesn’t find me attractive because I’m “amazing & stunning” but it might be my personality… but then went on to say “but I still want to hang out with you, do things, go for coffee because I genuinely like you & like spending time with you” but a second ago it was my personality?? So why would you want to spend time with me??
He was on about staying friends which I said I couldn’t/didn’t want to do this.
i just feel extremely lost & confused & hurt.
this is my first “relationship” that I’ve tried after getting out of a really toxic relationship with a narc at the start of the first lockdown. It was a huge thing for me to let someone back in nearly 2 years after building myself back up & I honestly thought this guy was possibly my person (as daft as that sounds).
i don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’m just so so upset, I don’t know what I did wrong…Im back to questioning my judgement again which I worked so hard on after coming out of my previous relationship.
i wouldn’t want to be with someone if they don’t want to be with me, so I’m glad it’s happened now rather than months down the line but I also just don’t understand everything he has said because none of his actions/previous words match what’s just come out now & I don’t get it. It felt initially that he was unhappy with his life (ie job/money/motivation etc) that he’s just decided to shut me out completely but then he said all this about the spark so I have to respect that he said he feels this way but I’m just lost