Dating after lockdown #17 Scraps on the apps, crumbs from the dumbs, making us sick with pics of dicks

[LaBlonde]

Hey everyone. I've been seeing a guy for 3 months steady now. It's his birthday on Saturday and he has mentioned he has arranged a gig/party and previously when I've mentioned plans for a February weekend (a friend's party on the 19th) he's asked me "what date is that on?" as if he was checking it wasn't his birthday. Anyway, he's now basically said he's busy this weekend and won't be able to see me. I am trying to be understanding, that it's his birthday and he will want to see his family/friends and not worry about keeping me company,introducing me etc.

But I am also a little bit miffed..do you think I'm right to feel a little hurt?

i would feel a little hurt too - is this the guy you mentioned before who is in a band? a gig style party is really no pressure, you could go with one or two of your own friends and he could introduce you as the night goes on - it’s not like a sit-down meal where there’s more formal need to introduce you.

it may just be though that he feels it’s pressure to introduce a new partner at a party etc and would rather do it at it his own pace? i would feel the same as you but i can also see maybe where he is coming from.

 

[TillyMiffin]

I think I’d opt for a cute and funny e-card if I were you! That way you can still be safe but flirty and keep things interesting. I would be cautious about exchanging addresses or sending tangible stuff this early on.

Maybe I'm just too old and cynical but I'm struggling to understand what is happening here tbh. Why is he sending you a valentines day card? And why are you contemplating sending him one ? You met online 10 days ago ? Haven't yet met in person , I'm assuming you are building a foundation of friendship with intent to meet up soon ? Why is ' love ' even being mentioned ? It's all feeling a bit full on and love bomby to me and to much too soon...

Maybe I'm just too old and cynical but I'm struggling to understand what is happening here tbh. Why is he sending you a valentines day card? And why are you contemplating sending him one ? You met online 10 days ago ? Haven't yet met in person , I'm assuming you are building a foundation of friendship with intent to meet up soon ? Why is ' love ' even being mentioned ? It's all feeling a bit full on and love bomby to me and to much too soon...

Maybe I'm just too old and cynical but I'm struggling to understand what is happening here tbh. Why is he sending you a valentines day card? And why are you contemplating sending him one ? You met online 10 days ago ? Haven't yet met in person , I'm assuming you are building a foundation of friendship with intent to meet up soon ? Why is ' love ' even being mentioned ? It's all feeling a bit full on and love bomby to me and to much too soon...

I’m old and cynical too- he’s not at all OTT or giving any signs of love bombing. It’s all going at an appropriate pace really tbh.
Personally I wouldn't be giving out that information until you've at least met him in person...how many dates have we all been on where its been amazing chatting but then we meet them in person and it's a no ...you also have a child in your home so even more reason not to put yourself at risk...sorry to be a Debbie Downer but these men are strangers until we've met them. My home is my safe place and I protect it and me at all costs.

Just to add, we are all on our best behaviour when we are trying to impress or schmooze someone, that's not to say he's not an amazing bloke but at this point in time he really is just a stranger / acquaintance you need to treat him as such...
[/QUOTE/]
Ye.[/QUOTE]

I think I’d opt for a cute and funny e-card if I were you! That way you can still be safe but flirty and keep things interesting. I would be cautious about exchanging addresses or sending tangible stuff this early on.

Great idea x

 

[Belle123]

Hey everyone. I've been seeing a guy for 3 months steady now. It's his birthday on Saturday and he has mentioned he has arranged a gig/party and previously when I've mentioned plans for a February weekend (a friend's party on the 19th) he's asked me "what date is that on?" as if he was checking it wasn't his birthday. Anyway, he's now basically said he's busy this weekend and won't be able to see me. I am trying to be understanding, that it's his birthday and he will want to see his family/friends and not worry about keeping me company,introducing me etc.

But I am also a little bit miffed..do you think I'm right to feel a little hurt?

It’s hard to answer, as I don’t know the nature of your relationship but, yes, I understand why you feel miffed. He may feel that it’s too much pressure and he would rather not deal with it on his birthday. Try not to get too upset, but see this as a signal of his pace. Some people on here have said they think meeting family is more around the 6 month mark. Others might think more like 2-3 months is ok. Everyone is so different in this respect. I think @ThreeSteaksPam said it well I don’t think I’d be choosing this particular hill to die on.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Just saw this on Bored Panda. 🥱

 

[TillyMiffin]

i would feel a little hurt too - is this the guy you mentioned before who is in a band? a gig style party is really no pressure, you could go with one or two of your own friends and he could introduce you as the night goes on - it’s not like a sit-down meal where there’s more formal need to introduce you.

it may just be though that he feels it’s pressure to introduce a new partner at a party etc and would rather do it at it his own pace? i would feel the same as you but i can also see maybe where he is coming from.

In your position I’d feel a bit miffed too, has he arranged to do anything with you for his birthday?

 

[Bagpuss7]

In your position I’d feel a bit miffed too, has he arranged to do anything with you for his birthday?

Or have you made a suggestion so you can spoil him ?

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I've been thinking this morning about nobrains bf and her being disappointed he's apparently got his birthday plans already mapped out.
I think some people are just more organized when It comes to their time. Eg. I don't work a particular day off & love being at home. Say my cousin rings and says, hey you're off tomorrow, let's do something. My head is fixed I'm doing stuff at home. It doesn't mean I don't care about her.
The other thing is that if there's one thing that would be good to learn from men is the ability to compartmentalize our lives more. They have no concept that they are being selfish & we could do with a bit more of that! Just my brain clonking around. Also my ex was extremely rigid about what he did on certain evenings. Who he was seeing, his hobbies etc.

 

[Wowitsme]

I’m old and cynical too- he’s not at all OTT or giving any signs of love bombing. It’s all going at an appropriate pace really tbh.
Personally I wouldn't be giving out that information until you've at least met him in person...how many dates have we all been on where its been amazing chatting but then we meet them in person and it's a no ...you also have a child in your home so even more reason not to put yourself at risk...sorry to be a Debbie Downer but these men are strangers until we've met them. My home is my safe place and I protect it and me at all costs.

Just to add, we are all on our best behaviour when we are trying to impress or schmooze someone, that's not to say he's not an amazing bloke but at this point in time he really is just a stranger / acquaintance you need to treat him as such...
[/QUOTE/]
Ye.

Great idea x
[/QUOTE]

I don’t think asking for the address of someone I’ve never met online is an appropriate pace at all.

 

[LaBlonde]

I don’t think asking for the address of someone I’ve never met online is an appropriate pace at all.

i fully agree! i don’t know if it is that i’m just too cautious, but i’m not giving my address out to anyone i haven’t met. even if they wanted to send me a bag full of diamonds and money or something. not happening. i would also never ask for someone else’s address. ladies (and gents!) we have to be safe online. you don’t know who you’re talking to really (and that extends until after you’ve met them sometimes!)

I've been thinking this morning about nobrains bf and her being disappointed he's apparently got his birthday plans already mapped out.
I think some people are just more organized when It comes to their time. Eg. I don't work a particular day off & love being at home. Say my cousin rings and says, hey you're off tomorrow, let's do something. My head is fixed I'm doing stuff at home. It doesn't mean I don't care about her.
The other thing is that if there's one thing that would be good to learn from men is the ability to compartmentalize our lives more. They have no concept that they are being selfish & we could do with a bit more of that! Just my brain clonking around. Also my ex was extremely rigid about what he did on certain evenings. Who he was seeing, his hobbies etc.

this is a very good point! he may have it set in his mind that, okay this is my friends and family party, and doesn’t want to change this - which i get. there is some worry sometimes in introducing a new partner to our social circle so he may just not rant to do it right now. it’s normal to be hurt but, as others have said, i wouldn’t take it hugely personally.

 

[lurkingaround123]

Hey everyone. I've been seeing a guy for 3 months steady now. It's his birthday on Saturday and he has mentioned he has arranged a gig/party and previously when I've mentioned plans for a February weekend (a friend's party on the 19th) he's asked me "what date is that on?" as if he was checking it wasn't his birthday. Anyway, he's now basically said he's busy this weekend and won't be able to see me. I am trying to be understanding, that it's his birthday and he will want to see his family/friends and not worry about keeping me company,introducing me etc.

But I am also a little bit miffed..do you think I'm right to feel a little hurt?

That's a hard one. If you were never invited to the party then I suppose its fair enough on his part. Asking you about plans might've just been a conversation thing. I know it is a bit late now but going forward maybe its better to outright ask than assume, if he said no because of whatever reason, yeah you might've felt a bit bummed out at the time, but probably less bummed out than you are after feeling hopeful you'd have been there all this time

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

E-cards sound like the way to go @TillyMiffin! You can never be too cautious x

Ditto what the others have said @nobrains: don’t be upset, but it’s just something to keep in mind next time.

ETA: getting off the topic, but why so many guys aged 20-24 put “businessman/entrepreneur/head of X etc” in their bios? Do they not understand how ridiculous it sounds? Surely they would only have graduated by that age

 

[Bagpuss7]

When it comes to protecting ourselves I don't think you can ever be too cautious. For me my home is my safe place, where I shut the world out and I can be happy, yes I've had men come here but only after a period of time and after they have proven themselves to be sincere, real, decent. Once your safe space has been violated its very hard to feel secure there again.

Sorry to be negative nelly but I think the online world is full of wrong uns that deceive and lie ..we owe it to ourselves to take care.

 

[TillyMiffin]

When it comes to protecting ourselves I don't think you can ever be too cautious. For me my home is my safe place, where I shut the world out and I can be happy, yes I've had men come here but only after a period of time and after they have proven themselves to be sincere, real, decent. Once your safe space has been violated its very hard to feel secure there again.

Sorry to be negative nelly but I think the online world is full of wrong uns that deceive and lie ..we owe it to ourselves to take care.

Yes I agree, I’ve said before about I need to think about my boundaries. Hopefully he’s sent something jokey/silly and not a dozen red roses or an engraved ring like the guy at Christmas

 

[hlvrksn]

Hey everyone. I've been seeing a guy for 3 months steady now. It's his birthday on Saturday and he has mentioned he has arranged a gig/party and previously when I've mentioned plans for a February weekend (a friend's party on the 19th) he's asked me "what date is that on?" as if he was checking it wasn't his birthday. Anyway, he's now basically said he's busy this weekend and won't be able to see me. I am trying to be understanding, that it's his birthday and he will want to see his family/friends and not worry about keeping me company,introducing me etc.

But I am also a little bit miffed..do you think I'm right to feel a little hurt?

It’s normal to feel a little bit lost, it’s human nature. On the other side just think about it, wouldn’t you feel more comfortable too being introduced to small amounts at a time?! Drinks with some friends here, dine with parents there and so on?!
I understand you are seeing each other, so you are both navigating the waters just go with the flow. Had he asked for a relationship yet?! If so then there’s a slightly different way to approach things and he should have more emotional responsibility towards you. Otherwise, go get a drink with your girlfriends that day and allow yourself to enjoy. x

 

[Pixipoppy]

@TillyMiffin just be careful. Had a friend get “love bombed” pretty epically a couple of years ago. Went on one date with this guy and he offered to drop her home so knew where she lived. He bombarded her with random gifts, letters, flowers for weeks afterwards. He also turned up at her flat uninvited on more than one occasion claiming he was “just passing by” (when he lived the other side of the city). Luckily he was harmless and once she started dating someone else he got the message and left her alone but it was very stressful for her! I think I’d only let a guy know exactly where I live after we’d been on 2 or 3 dates. They can know the area/street but I don’t tell them what house number. Call me cynical but you can never be too careful.

 

[nobrains]

@nobrains Did he ever actually say he was inviting you to this gig or did you add 2 and 2 and come up with 5 when he asked you about the dates of your plans?
If he’s invited you and now essentially un-invited you days before it, then yes, you’re right to be annoyed, that’s a dick move. If not, then I don’t really see what he’s done wrong. He’d told you he’d planned a gig for his birthday so you already knew he was going to be busy. I don’t think I’d be choosing this particular hill to die on.

I'm just a bit disappointed that he doesn't want me there that's all I guess? I haven't made a fuss over it at all. I haven't even mentioned it,I've just sent him a little gift via the post because I don't think that's ott? And I will send him a bday message on Saturday morning and then say I'll speak to him next week kinda thing. I just wondered if others would be bothered that's all,or if I was being totally daft

i would feel a little hurt too - is this the guy you mentioned before who is in a band? a gig style party is really no pressure, you could go with one or two of your own friends and he could introduce you as the night goes on - it’s not like a sit-down meal where there’s more formal need to introduce you.

it may just be though that he feels it’s pressure to introduce a new partner at a party etc and would rather do it at it his own pace? i would feel the same as you but i can also see maybe where he is coming from.

I totally see where he would be coming from. He will be playing at one point and the other two bands are his friends..so it's essentially a party for his birthday with everyone he knows there. I can understand the slow introduction thing or if he is a bit unsure about me going as he might feel obliged to spend the night with me and I wouldn't want him to feel like that.

Like I say,I wouldn't in a million years mention any of this to him and I would never make a fuss.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I’m not okay today. I just feel so, so lonely, I know it says more about me than about any guy I’ve talked to, but that’s it. I’m not even sure if starting a casual relationship would help at this point. Some days I can keep it together and concentrate on looking forward to the future and helping others, but not today.

 

[nobrains]

In your position I’d feel a bit miffed too, has he arranged to do anything with you for his birthday?

We saw eachother this Monday and went bowling. He wants to see me again this week one night but I'm just going to say no and see him next week. He's not the most emotionally available person and I don't want to keep giving pieces of myself away and accomodating him when he isn't thinking about me sometimes.

 

[Delihla]

I'm just a bit disappointed that he doesn't want me there that's all I guess? I haven't made a fuss over it at all. I haven't even mentioned it,I've just sent him a little gift via the post because I don't think that's ott? And I will send him a bday message on Saturday morning and then say I'll speak to him next week kinda thing. I just wondered if others would be bothered that's all,or if I was being totally daft


I totally see where he would be coming from. He will be playing at one point and the other two bands are his friends..so it's essentially a party for his birthday with everyone he knows there. I can understand the slow introduction thing or if he is a bit unsure about me going as he might feel obliged to spend the night with me and I wouldn't want him to feel like that.

Like I say,I wouldn't in a million years mention any of this to him and I would never make a fuss.

I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but I think this would give me a really clear idea of where I actually stood with a guy and I’d likely adjust my behaviour accordingly. You clearly aren’t in a relationship, but I’m guessing you thought you were pretty close to heading in that direction and his actions in this instance have raised some doubts for you about where you stand? A favourite saying of mine is don’t be in a relationship with a man who’s single

 

[hlvrksn]

ETA: getting off the topic, but why so many guys aged 20-24 put “businessman/entrepreneur/head of X etc” in their bios? Do they not understand how ridiculous it sounds? Surely they would only have graduated by that age

A friend once mentioned that the majority of men go towards finance because they think the image of success it portraits it's sexy... this random comment made me look at the navy suits in completely different way.