I have already mentioned about taking a light hearted approach to dating as well. To say people won’t find what they deserve until they love themselves sends out the entirely wrong message.I do have bad days. That will never change. But I know how to redirect the focus. There is alot more to it than just self love and being positive. It's nigh on impossible to explain fully on a forum unless you want to do the work either via therapy or via other means (and I've done both - I've had MH issues for 17 years so I'm not a happy clappy had an easy life girl) but I now make the choice not to let my past affect my today. But that was my choice.
The work is more about how you deal with the situation. I.e bad date - rather than blaming myself I'll recognise that it wasn't right for whatever reason and move on. Whereas before I'd have been like WHATS WRONG WITH ME.
Why are you analysing his financial position before you’ve even been on one date lolOh god, the bloke I’ve been talking to described himself as a ‘free spirit’ yesterday when we FaceTimed. That basically means he’s unreliable and irresponsible doesn’t it? Also he’s 54 and I bet he’s got no pension….I really don’t want to have to support another adult when I could be spoiling my grandchildren. Frankly, I’d rather take my daughter on holiday than have to support another adult just so I’m not lonely.
It is great that you had such a wonderful development and are feeling so good about yourself now.And we are all entitled to opinions.
From what I've learnt its not just the positive mindset as that still doesn't work deep within (I do have a diagnosis of BDD which is miles better now thankfully so yeah was also MH). Doing the work for me and not to specifically attract someone has made me feel better - BUT you can only do this once your mind is ready. As said before my mind wasn't and I was stuck in my mindset that was caused as a result of an anxiety disorder. I've been on meds which I'm thankfully now off, and I don't skip around on happy clouds on a daily basis - but I just know now how to manage those negative feelings better than I did before.
Everyone has different beliefs and thats good because it would be boring if we all felt and thought the same. I feel better for me and I reflected on my past from childhood, to relationships id seen my Mum in and then seeing what followed. I know I was "hanging on" to highly inappropriate relationships as I needed the worth from someone else. But now I know that only I can do that for me. It's only me and me who will be there for me 100% so I won't be negative to myself 24/7 because it wasn't making my life a nice place to live in anymore.
The work is about knowing your worth, your boundaries and making you feel better. Then you'll hopefully therefore attract what you project and you'll be able to say F off to the bellends lol
Because I’m quite adamant I don’t want to get involved with a cock lodging loser. It’s a pretty basic boundary to want a boyfriend who is financial independent. This bloke is 54 and a landscaper whatever that is….and on our chats he mentions a lot how he’s a free spirit, has travelled around a lot, never settled etc. He also has a 4 year old daughter from a fling.I have already mentioned about taking a light hearted approach to dating as well. To say people won’t find what they deserve until they love themselves sends out the entirely wrong message.
Yes have self worth, yes have boundaries but you won’t be happy till you love yourself. Nah!
Why are you analysing his financial position before you’ve even been on one date lol
It is understandable that you are not looking to support someone financially.Because I’m quite adamant I don’t want to get involved with a cock lodging loser. It’s a pretty basic boundary to want a boyfriend who is financial independent. This bloke is 54 and a landscaper whatever that is….and on our chats he mentions a lot how he’s a free spirit, has travelled around a lot, never settled etc. He also has a 4 year old daughter from a fling.
Whereas I’ve worked extremely hard and have a lovely home and great pension. I don’t particularly want to indulge a man-child at this stage of my life. Been there done that.
I had a very similar experience. Left an abusive relationship four years ago, spent a lot of time in therapy only to end up in a short lived relationship with a man who seemed amazing, only to be ditched for someone else. Together six months, told me he loved me, and literally days later ghosted me and my friend saw him with someone else. It ruined me.Feeling sooo deflated this morning...
Been single since June after a short but serious relation with Satan himself... the man completely love-bombed me and once he got bored started slowly rejecting and gaslighting me... I found out later he'd taken someone else out the same day he ended it with me (they're in a relationship now) and then that he had cheated with at least two other people. I also found out a lot about his past that he'd lied about and I know I had a lucky escape but it left me feeling completely broken and with zero self-worth and self-confidence. Before I met him I'd been single for three years by choice to work on myself after an incredibly abusive relationship and after years of therapy and medication I'd finally gotten myself into a good place only to be right back there again. I've spent the summer again working on myself and having therapy and took the plunge joining Tinder/Bumble...
Arranged a date with someone last night - no concrete plans made but the date was agreed and he kept saying he couldn't wait to meet me. Last spoke Monday morning and he was taking his kids away for the day - my last message was asking whether he wanted to grab food or just a drink on Tuesday... no response after that and he hadn't even read it by 9pm last night. So I messaged again and he immediately responded to say he was so sorry but he'd got in at 2am and was up again at 6am and still working... I work 14 hour days sometimes (admittedly from home) but could still find 30 seconds to send a text!
Why is it just so hard? I have no faith now that I'll ever meet anyone... I'm 36 next month and feeling completely alone in the world, worrying I'll never have the chance to settle down and have a family
Sorry long post I know
Sometimes you just get a gut feeling don't you. If you don't feel your core values match up maybe it is best to leave it where it is. I have had it a few times where I've spoken to someone and they've told me something about their life which maybe isn't that much of a big deal to other people, but to me it's major. (prime example being I have a bad allergy to cats, so as soon as someone tells me they have one I won't carry it on, because looking to the future, it won't work)Because I’m quite adamant I don’t want to get involved with a cock lodging loser. It’s a pretty basic boundary to want a boyfriend who is financial independent. This bloke is 54 and a landscaper whatever that is….and on our chats he mentions a lot how he’s a free spirit, has travelled around a lot, never settled etc. He also has a 4 year old daughter from a fling.
Whereas I’ve worked extremely hard and have a lovely home and great pension. I don’t particularly want to indulge a man-child at this stage of my life. Been there done that.
It sounds like you two want different things and you have doubts and a gut feeling... why not say good-bye to him now and move on?Yeah, I’m just having a gut feeling. He definitely doesn’t mean polyamorous…he said he’s looking to settle down with ‘the one’. I mentioned that I’m quite independent and don’t want to get married or ever live full time with a man again….he said that he does want that. I’m like woah.…too soon to make those kind of statements.
I swear that could be the same man I was with! He had told me that he had only dated one girl since the break-up of his marriage 18 months prior yet I found out later I was number 4-5 on the list and he'd done the same to every single one. Funnily enough, his ex-wife, me and his new girlfriend had all been in abusive relationships prior to meeting him!I had a very similar experience. Left an abusive relationship four years ago, spent a lot of time in therapy only to end up in a short lived relationship with a man who seemed amazing, only to be ditched for someone else. Together six months, told me he loved me, and literally days later ghosted me and my friend saw him with someone else. It ruined me.
People say that when you have low self esteem you "attract" the wrong people and I don't think that's necessarily true. I think these narcissistic arseholes try their luck with everyone, but when you've been hurt, struggle with self worth and worry that this is your last chance (I'm 36 too) you let them stick around longer than someone with a more robust self-image would. We need to stop giving them the benefit of the doubt I think.
As my friends always say to me, "Your red flag detector is fine, it's your reverse gear that doesn't work".
I have absolutely felt the same as you and it is soul destroying. The world seems full of absolute arseholes and nightmares in reasonably functional relationships and it makes you wonder what the fuck is wrong with you. It honestly isn't you though. If a man can't reply to a message now, then he's telling you the kind of person he is. It's easy to think it's you and he's making loads of effort for someone else but it's not true. We need to stop attributing so much importance to these dickheads.
If the man who love-bombed you and broke your heart is anything like mine, give it a few years and he'll have had more failed relationships than you've had dinners and you'll be grateful he did you a favour. Mine literally triggered a breakdown, and looking back I'm worth so much more than the way he treated me, and so are you. x
I think if you’re finding that the more you talk to him the less you’re interested it might be worth giving the date a miss. You said he was driving a fair distance to meet you so if I were him I’d rather know first - I remember how annoyed Betty would get about the petrol money after a ‘no spark’ text!Yeah, I’m just having a gut feeling. He definitely doesn’t mean polyamorous…he said he’s looking to settle down with ‘the one’. I mentioned that I’m quite independent and don’t want to get married or ever live full time with a man again….he said that he does want that. I’m like woah.…too soon to make those kind of statements.
I hope things pick up for you too - I'm sure they will. I'm the only single one of my friends too, and it's really hard even though my life looks quite fun from the outside, I'd just like something nice of my own and not to be someone's second or fifth priority or whatever.I swear that could be the same man I was with! He had told me that he had only dated one girl since the break-up of his marriage 18 months prior yet I found out later I was number 4-5 on the list and he'd done the same to every single one. Funnily enough, his ex-wife, me and his new girlfriend had all been in abusive relationships prior to meeting him!
I think my red flag detector is the faulty part... my friends and family could see things that weren't quite right yet all I did was make excuses for the way that he is! Yet people like him and my abusive ex are constantly in a relationship and I can't even get a date!
Thank you for your advice, I really hope you're doing OK now, I feel like I've had a very public breakdown this year but things are finally starting to feel a little better. I'm struggling with this time of year though as last year really was like a romantic Christmas film! None of my friends are single either so it's so hard getting people to commit to things even though it's my birthday next month too x
Thank you so much for your kind words - it's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling with way but I really hope that things pick up soon for anyone in our situation! My life looks amazing if you look at my social media but I spend the majority of my time at home completely alone (apart from my cats)I hope things pick up for you too - I'm sure they will. I'm the only single one of my friends too, and it's really hard even though my life looks quite fun from the outside, I'd just like something nice of my own and not to be someone's second or fifth priority or whatever.
You definitely can get a date. I'd get rid of Tinder, it is full of the worst men I've ever come across. I've had reasonable success with Bumble, but it might be worth deciding what you want and being brutal who you match with. I've spent too long letting men mess me about out of curiosity, so if they aren't looking for what I want and aren't clear about it, they can get in the bin.
I made excuses for red flags too but in retrospect I did see them, but hindsight is a wonderful thing I guess. It's a cliché I guess, but if I hadn't been fucked over by these men in the past I wouldn't have identified why I'm going for the wrong sort of person and would have just repeated the same pattern. x
I think we're the same person!Thank you so much for your kind words - it's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling with way but I really hope that things pick up soon for anyone in our situation! My life looks amazing if you look at my social media but I spend the majority of my time at home completely alone (apart from my cats)
The guy I was meant to see this week was from Bumble, it's hard to get a response from most of them let alone a full conversation! I was talking with someone on Tinder who I've come across in real life before and have asked him out for a drink but so far he hasn't read it (He said he doesn't use it much but who knows...)
I really need to go into my next relationship (if it ever happens) with my eyes wide open! My worry is that if I do eventually meet someone nice I'll be suspicious that it's all a game and too good to be true! x
It's spooky isn't it - but I'm glad in a way it's not just me!I think we're the same person!
Sometimes I think a life curled up with a book or a film and my cats might not be that bad!
I think you’re probably right. I so want to be open to a different type of man but I’m also very cautious. Oh well.It sounds like you two want different things and you have doubts and a gut feeling... why not say good-bye to him now and move on?
I’ve got BPD too due to some abuse in my childhood. I also wonder if I have ADHD too….it would explain my previous erratic behaviour, which I’m desperately trying to not repeat.Apologies if my previous advice/posts have not been received well. I have BPD & OCD so I completely understand wrt bad mental health.
Some of the recent advice I've received that's really resonated with me, is that dating is meant to be fun. It's not meant to be stressful and panicked. And we are far too quick to blame ourselves when we don't get a message back or a date was rubbish. I guess in a long winded way, I'm trying to say we shouldn't take it too seriously or let it dictate our mood or self worth
Anyway, happy clappy preaching over lol, off of to clean my bathroom
Irritated.How would you feel if you arranged a date with someone and then you didn’t hear from them for 7 days until the morning of the day you were going to go on the date?
Didn't you want to take a break?I think you’re probably right. I so want to be open to a different type of man but I’m also very cautious. Oh well.
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