Childfree

[Base2019]

I was at a small party this weekend for a surprise birthday thing… didn’t know most of the people there. The 40ish year old women there just constantly talked about their kids and how it was great to get a night off but that they would be paying for it the next day. Then when one of them asked if I had kids and I said no they just left me out of the conversations then. So rude

 

[HoGi]

Hope this is legible as my eyes are still rolled into the back of my head. Few things make me angrier than entitled parents, in fact the only thing that makes me angrier is there judgment of the child free I don’t know how so many people go through life not realising that having children is a choice, not a right or a must do. As you say undoubtedly hard at times and we all love a good moan but children are a choice.

I get really wound up by parents resenting the fact that as a child free couple who both work we can afford nice things!

The amount of times we get it thrown in our face about the fact we have nice cars, holidays (pre-covid), meals out, new clothes etc. And we are always being told "well we last went out 7 years ago" "we haven't had a proper holiday in 9 years" "I haven't had new trainers in 5 years because the kids need xyz"...yawn. that's why I have chosen not to have kids. Noone forced you to get pregnant

 

[miamae]

I have two children so I guess I don’t really belong on this thread, however I always snoop on here as I am envious of you all! I had my first at 16 and second at 21 and while I wouldn’t change them for the world, I have been an anxious hot mess since I’ve had them and I have no life other than work and being a mum. I won’t have anymore as I am too career focussed (recently a qualified college lecturer) and by the time in mid 30’s I can hopefully have some independence back I think you are all fab and it is so lovely to see that none of you feel pressured into having kids as honestly, it is so damn hard and the worry is unreal. Hopefully I will be living my best life like you guys in the near future

 

[SamBamford]

I was 11 when my mum had my brother, a lot of responsibility was passed on to me. If he was ill, I was kept off school, he was mine to take care of all weekend, I wasn't allowed out as a teenager. If I asked to go out, I was asked who is going to look after your brother? I only got to mix with others once I started work. I was still on babysitting duties though, I even had to take a week off my annual leave to take care of him while the parents went on holiday. So I felt like I had partly raised a child anyway. I don't have children and happy with that too. Especially when I see my friends letting theirs run riot around pubs and restaurants. One friend used to take hers to the pub on Saturdays around lunchtime and encourage him to go chat to people. She presumed everyone would like him as much as she did and was snotty to me when I said I wouldn't want him pestering me.

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

This is me. No shame

 

[sushimama]

Did any of you read the book Motherhood by Sheila Heiti? I just started but I love how she's asking those exact same questions whether she wants a child or is this just expected of her.

I especially loved this:

“The conversation went on for another half hour, before this man's girlfriend, who had not said much of anything until then, remarked, Being a woman, you can't just say you don't want a child. You have to have some big plan or idea of what you're going to do instead. And it better be something great. And you had better be able to tell it convincingly - before it even happens - what the arc of your life will be.”

 

[Kim Mild]

I honestly think there isn't as much difference between being a parent and being child free for men . Obviously there are changes for them but it's something in their brain.

 

[Sweatingbullets]

I just want to scream at people having child and say WHYYYYYYYY!?

I don’t have an issue with people wanting children, but I do want to scream at the one’s who want more and more but can’t afford them or clearly don’t have the mental capacity to rear them properly!

 

[Oblivion]

I'm 26 and absolutely do not want to birth children. I was very surprised to read that people are called selfish for not wanting children, I really believe it's the other way around. For us, with my husband and I's effed up genes with a high probability of passing on depression, cancer, diabetes, etc, it would be thoroughly selfish of us to have children. We both can't relate to this narrative of leaving a legacy behind, it feels like an exercise in narcissism, creating a child in your image to look after you in your old age. It's completely beyond me They'd be a person in their own right who would owe absolutely nothing to us. Our hypothetical biological children with my husband's bright eyes and my wild curls would be lovely, kind, polite humans in our imaginations, which is where they'll stay.

Aside from wrecking my body with childbirth and extensive post-birth complications, childbirth doesn't feel right either because of how overpopulated this world already is. There are already too many children in an abysmal foster care system who already need love and safety. We hope to foster and adopt children in the future when we're ready (along with more cats and dogs). We're just saving up to get there. They'll be ours in every sense of the word, it just doesn't make sense to birth more children.

Thank you for all the differing opinions on this thread, I feel very passionately about this and I've really enjoyed reading everyone's experiences/thoughts.

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

Unpopular opinion maybe, but I think Mother's Day and Father's Day should be scrapped. They are only a way for greeting cards companies to earn money. Parents choose to have kids and shouldn't have to have presents as a reward. It is also fucking triggering for people who have lost parents. I do not get on with my parents and always feel guilted into buying a card/small gift. I don't want to and I don't want to thank them for being parents because they don't deserve any thanks. It just makes me angry and upset.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

When my oldest brother (who is an arsehole anyway) had his first child he made me hold her while he zoomed in on me with his video camera. Classic family footage of 17 year old me saying "Why isn't she purring?" followed by my brother calling me a fuckwit and the scene ending. I'm in my mid fifties now and still find myself awkwardly patting babies and toddlers. My niece grew up to be a lovely, accomplished woman so I'm pretty sure no harm was done that day

 

[Lanavalentine]

I don’t think there is any reason that is “bad” for not having kids.

I was actually having this chat the other day. I don’t think you need to have a “big” reason, like over population. If you just can’t deal with the noise or the mess or the school gate politics, that’s perfectly ok.

I happily tell people I don’t want kids because I don’t want them to mess up my tidy house and ruin my nice things! Really it is deeper than that and I have many reasons, but I like breaking the taboo and seeing people’s reactions, because most people seem to think you need to have a worthy reason to opt out of parenthood.

 

[Traveler001]

Yes Olivia
I hate that mentality. I also hate the mentality that as soon as you’re married, it’s baby time.
Or that when buy a house with your partner, you better save one of the rooms for the future baby.

I don’t know why people think they have the right to be so nosey, rude and invasive.

You know what I don't get, infertility is so common, miscarriages happen a lot and children sadly die every day. Yet people ask questions like why don't you want kids, what if your husband leaves you and say things like you're not a real woman, your life will be empty, you'll never know love and hilariously say that people without kids won't have empathy and maturity when for all they know, they're berating a woman who has had her third miscarriage of a much wanted baby four days ago! But I'm immature with no empathy…OK.

 

[Annie101]

I'm not able to have kids due to medical reasons. It was heartbreaking at first. Now - i feel a relief, my life is full, i have a demanding career, work long hours etc. I treat my younger employees as my kids, for example birthday parties, buying them gift, being there emotionally etc. A lot of them need the extra attention and love coming from dysfunctional families. There's a place for us without kids, to be parents to those who needs us. My selfish advantages are - travelling, being able to afford a nice home, shoes and a nearly drama free life. I appreciate my life now and wish i didnt take it so seriously when i heard that i am unable to have kids. Because i have a fulfilled life and am happy.

 

[Smca53]

Omg, I feel this so much. Someone in my family has a 2 year old - so not even a baby anymore - and the other day I got a text saying ‘wow what a big boy X is, he did a wee in his potty!’ With an image…I was thinking no, surely they didn’t send me a picture of this child’s urine in a potty? Yep, they did. Honestly, completely bizarre behaviour. I get that every parent thinks their kid is the cutest thing since sliced bread but SURELY they cannot think we all want to see this kind of thing? What on earth goes through these people’s heads…I will never understand it.
One incident that really stood out to me was when someone in an old workplace had a baby. She was very senior but also really friendly and I really looked up to her, she was a real career woman. Anyway when she was shortly coming back from mat leave, she brought the baby in to see us. And this amazing professional career woman stood happily chatting away to us, not noticing at ALL that her baby had just puked all down her arm. She didn’t even flicker. Someone else pointed it out to her. And I just thought yeah…that life is really not for me.

Oh, god, I always hated when people brought their babies in and you (or at least, let’s be fair - just the women of the office ) were expected to stand around in a circle and coo over how cute they were whilst the men got on with their work. Sorry, no, I’m bloody busy too.

I have two stories relating to that which stick out: one where someone’s kid puked on their arm and down their (bare leg) and she just rubbed it in. Like body lotion . And continued speaking as if nothing had happened. And another the baby pooped everywhere including on a desk and chair and she didn’t clean it up properly so when she left there was still poo on the furniture.

A hard nope from me.

 

[prozacprincess]

We had friends over with their two children (2 and 4) on Sunday. They were here for 3 hours and after they left my husband turned to me and said “thank fuck I had a vasectomy“ … we were in bed by 9pm because the whole visit was so exhausting .
I have never wanted children and neither has my husband thankfully. I never liked them and I find them a bit gross tbh … I also never believed the ‘but you’d love your own children’ line. My parents didn’t love me so it’s not a guarantee.

 

[CatCafe234]

I don’t make any comments towards people with kids. On the other hand I’ve been told that my life isn’t complete, that I’m not part of a family, I’ll regret it, I won’t have anyone to look after me when I’m old, I’m not a real woman. Need I go on?

I can never quite get the logic of that comment. It’s usually presented as ‘not having children is so selfish, who will look after you when you get old?’ Erm, isn’t it a bit selfish to have a child intending that they provide care for you when you get old, or even expecting that that could or should happen?

 

[Naysayer]

Ok, so I'm NOT childfree, I have 4. But my #3 has stated for a long while that she doesnt ever want to have children of her own. She's nearly 15 now so obviously has lots of time for a change of heart, but she's so adamant about it I'd actually be surprised if she changed her mind! She points out the little smart cars and says that's what she'll have, doesn't need more than 2 seats, just room for a husband and herself. Says she will live in a house with 2 bedrooms so she has a spare for when her neices and nephews come to stay! It's interesting that you are an only child and she is one of four. Its made me feel I've done a terrible job bringing them up and put her off! Happy to see this may not be the case!

 

[Anne1448]

Christ, if someone came at me with that last comment, I'd straight back at them with, "So do abortions."

I've also had the, "You'll change your mind," - my husband doesn't get told this

I'll use the "So do abortions" from now on

Usually I say :
"If I want to have one will you carry it?"
"I'm sure that you won't mind sending us money if we are struggling financially, right?"
"I'll make sure to call you to babysit."

Usually these shut people down.

One time a colleague (she regretted having a baby yet wanted to convince me to have one too) said "We all know people like you (childfree women) can't think about anyone else but themselves." with a smurk. Since I am petty I replied "Well, your husband clearly thinks the same since he left you for his childfree secretary." I have never seen someone turn pink so quickly.

 

[Peeltheavocado]

I have a child but I’m really conscious not to ask others when they’re going to have children. I have quite a few childfree and friends who can’t have children.
I just think it’s rude. I’ve only spoken about it if they bring it up. It’s none of mine or anyone else’s business.

My daughter is still young but always says she doesn’t want kids. I honestly believe she may stick with that. I can’t imagine her having children and I respect her and anyone’s rights to have or not to have.

People seem to think it’s fair game. With couples and women as well