Childfree

[PugGirl321]

I would never say never, as you don't know how you will feel in the future but I'm approaching 30, have been in a relationship for nearly 10 years and I'm 99.9% sure I don't want kids, for various reasons.

What bothers me though is that wanting to have kids is seen as the default position, and you're seen as abnormal if you don't want kids. This is such a weird concept to me, as having kids is such a life changing decision to make, and is literally the one thing in life you can't change once it is done; the default should be not having kids, and the decision to have kids only made once the person is 100% sure that it is what they want and they are aware of the consequences.

So many children are brought into the world just because it is billed as the thing people do, and probably end up resented or neglected because their parents hadn't thought about whether it is what they truly wanted, they were just doing it by default.

 

[KateESJ]

Not childfree myself. I have three.

I used to not understand why people didn’t want children. Children was all I knew I wanted, from being a child myself.

Since having children though I 100% understand why people don’t want them They’re terrors and being a Mum is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Also hate people asking people anything in regards to babies. It’s insensitive as you don’t know what their story is and it’s none of their business anyway.
The questions I got after having my daughter (my second) hurt the most because my four year old had died only a few months before and people, mainly strangers, assumed she was our first. At only a few months old someone told me I should have another just so I can have a boy and have one of each. I ended up just pretending to people that she was my first just to avoid the look people gave me when I told them about my son but then I felt guilty like I was letting him down. It’s easier to talk about now but it was really raw then. I can easily tell people about him now and it makes me happy to share him even though I think it makes some people feel awkward.

Long story short, people should stay out of other peoples business. Your life is your life and nobody else’s.

 

[Shineyshine]

I had been friends with both of these people since school, one of them since primary, the other secondary, so more than 30 years now. I feel like because I don't have kids I'm not interesting enough for them but to be honest, its not that interesting listening to endless stories of how little Johnny is excelling at piano and has a reading age of 15 and he's only in reception!

My lovely grandma used to say there’s nothing more boring than other people’s children. She was so right! I’m sure even if you have children yourself you’re not interested in hearing all about somebody else’s. So for those of us without it’s even worse

 

[Brummo123]

I’m childfree. I’ve never felt maternal. I’m 35 now and still don’t feel maternal. Surely by now I would know if I really wanted children? Wouldn’t I??? People used to say ‘oo it’s different when they’re your own’ ‘ooo one day you’ll know’, well, I honestly don’t feel different. I sometimes get asked about kids, usually by the older people at work. There was even a time after my sister had twins that I’m very sure my manger and another bloke at work were convinced I’d be having babies imminently. Making little comments. Weird hints. It made me cringe. That was 4 years ago now, and here I still am, without children. People are nosey and presumptuous.

 

[theredgossiper]

I am 37 and childfree. This might be a long one.

I have always known I did not want to have children, and never wavered, even knowing I am fast approaching the end of my fertile years.
I have always been very upfront about this with every potential partner (I would find a way of bringing it up in conversation pretty early during dating to just not waste our time) which has scared away quite a few men.
Luckily, I am now in a relationship with someone who also isn't interested in having children.

I have heard the most horrible things when I say I don't want children, from being selfish, to hating kids, and even called a freak. I will admit babies bore me to death and toddlers just annoy me, but I just LOVE kids from 4 years on. They are such fun to be with! I couldn't actually do my job if I didn't like them, as I mostly work with school kids. I actually spend more time daily with kids than most parents do.

A couple of friends of mine have children and they just adore me. And I really enjoy being with them. I just don't think I'd enjoy it full time.
I am an introvert and NEED to be alone and in silence quite a lot for my well being. With a kid, you just lose all that. I actually feel you lose your personality. I see it happening. You just become "mum". A diluted version of yourself. Just check the insta bios of your friends when they become mothers. They no longer are "A life fueled on wine and cheese", they are "mom to (insert name)". Sorry, but I don't want to give up who I am.

The whole "who will take care of you when you're old" argument is just ludicrous. First, if that's your reason for having kids, you're being pretty selfish (which I get called often). Second, who says you're not going to be a shit parent and not deserving of their care? Or that your children won't be little shits who won't care about you? Third, what if you have a disabled child who will need YOUR care all their lives? Who will take care of them when you're gone?

"Oh, but you'll never feel the TRUE LOVE a child brings", yeah, and also the relentless worry for the rest of your life. I'm already an anxious person as it is, I don't need that extra worry in my life - I wouldn't cope.

Seriously though, nobody does a worst job of trying to convince me to have kids than parents themselves. "It's so hard, the hardest thing I've ever done." I know. Trust me, I am aware of how hard it is. That's why I don't have them. I think most people who have kids just didn't really realize how much work it would be.

I know I am too self-centered and appreciative of my freedom to have kids. I also hate the idea of having someone depending on me on that level. Its is much better to aknowledge it and act in accordance than to bring a child into the world who would most likely make me miserable and, in turn, be miserable. I have never been so sure I made the right decision. I got a contraceptive implant put in last year and my nurse said "you can come take it out when you change your mind". I replied "See you in 3 years, when I'm due to switch to a new one".

For anyone who needs an answer that will shut up people when they ask "when will you have kids", back when I ~cared about what others thought, I would answer "When God wants me to". That would be the end of the conversation, as they'd mostly be left thinking I was struggling to conceive and would leave me alone. Now I just DGAF and say "never".

Apologies for the long rant. I just always have A LOT to say on this subject and sometimes come across as angry when debating it. I am in no way criticizing those who choose to have kids as I think it takes a lot of bravery and selflessness. It's a beautiful thing. I'd just like for society to accept that being childfree is A CHOICE and it is just as valid .

 

[Bumblebee8987]

I’ve never commented on here before, just lurked, but I feel so seen by this thread!

I like children, I really do. I adore being an aunt, I think I’m great with them, and I even did my work experience in a primary school (although I didn’t end up perusing it).

I do remember though always feeling so worried that I only had a certain amount of time to enjoy the world, to travel where I wanted and live how I like, until I had children. The ‘life script’ was really strong, and after graduating I just kept thinking ‘only x years left’.

When I realised it was a choice, that I could spare my potential children from environmental collapse and spend the rest of my life how I wanted, while supporting my siblings and friends with their children- it was a huge weight off and like a lightbulb going off. We just bought a 3 bed house so we can have everyone to visit and have space for an office, and not once did I picture a nursery. I’m 32 now, and the only time limit on my fun is my lifespan.

 

[SavetheDrama]

I think the worst thing I heard was: Who is going to take care of you when you’re old?
If that’s the reason that person had children, imagine what kind of parent they would be!

 

[MaineCoonMama]

I'm past the age of having kids now but when I was in my 20s and 30s I would get comments from women at work when children were brought up. How can you not want a baby? Blah blah... the worst I remember was a taxi driver asking me if I was a mum (like it's his damn business). I said no, I don't want kids. He asked if I was selfish! I made him stop the taxi and I chucked some money at him and walked the rest of the way. I'm not maternal at all. I'm actually cat-ernal and I've never once regretted not having a child. I've loved reading all your stories, I wish I'd had this kind of support when I was a lass.

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

If one doesn’t like to be judged for not having kids, why so many judgey comments about people that do have kids We should just let everyone make their own choices without the judging. I used to wonder how people could even think about not having children (until I had my own And realised what a sacrifice it was) and I never saw it as rude to ask, but I’ve educated myself and would now never ask someone those questions anymore

I think you need to question why you felt compelled to read a thread called “Childfree”, despite having children yourself, before claiming that you don’t judge anyone. If you expected a thread full of neutral reasons for not having children you wouldn’t have had any reason to read.

Additionally, as we’ve discussed here, an awful lot of people have children for extremely selfish reasons [to live vicariously through; to “fix” toxic relationships; the old Daily Mail trope of claiming benefits] which can lead to a lot of damage to both the children themselves and wider society if said children become sick or mentally ill through neglect, or antisocial through their poor upbringing. So our judgement is often based on personal experience of these factors and despairing at seeing the patterns replicated. Whereas my impression is the judge-y people with children just want to see everyone like them: tied to a mortgage in an area with good schools and paying a premium for holidays.

 

[Satisfying Click]

Pub in the New Forest bans children under 12 many parents triggered

I wish more places would do this, to be honest. I enjoy the company of my loved ones children in moderation, but there are many spaces that I don't want to see children in. The most annoying parents are the ones who insist that, "Having a baby doesn't mean anything has to change! We're still super cool and hip!" and bring their babies/toddlers *everywhere*

Nailing my colours to the mast of children should be neither seen nor heard /tongueincheek

 

[JoeBloggs]

I have always been an advocate for child free days, maybe two days a year when no one under the age of 18 is allowed into public places. I'd love to go to a shop or gallery without kids running around and screaming. I can all but dream.

 

[Satisfying Click]

Yeah, it's the everyday drudgery combined with the chronic worrying that fills me with dread, and the school gates are within the seven circles of hell for me.

Btw, can I just say how nice it is to read through the thread without seeing, "Not childfree, I have seven beautiful children and they are my world, my life would be a meaningless void without them, but I totally get why people are childfree!" Erm, thanks?

 

[Lanavalentine]

I know loads of women that have said that, I have myself but it doesn't necessarily mean that we regret the decision. I know my life would've been as fulfilled without children as with but in an entirely different way. I would've continued my career path as a Commercial Pilot, travelled the world, carried on shagging loads of different men but on the flip side I've loved watching my son grow and mature and can honestly say that if the world was full of people like my son it would be a far better place. Fuck knows how his father and I made an almost perfect human when we are very far from perfect, I'll never know, one of lifes miracles

This is a childfree thread. With respect and kindness, it’s not about whether YOU regret having a child or not.

Childfree people get comments like yours all the time, and it’s annoying. What is right for you isn’t right for everyone and again, with respect, you do not know @Satisfying Click’s friends or how they feel.

I wouldn’t go into a thread about parenting and talk about how the world would be a better place if everyone stopped having so many kids and stopped bringing them up so terribly, with the majority giving zero thought to the way they’re trampling the environment, so perhaps just think about that before you start defending yourself when nobody asked you to.

 

[Lanavalentine]

Me and my partner are away for the weekend and went for breakfast this morning. There was a couple with a boy near us he was probably about 3, screaming through the meal and throwing his toys everywhere. All I wanted was a nice relaxing coffee and brekky. When we left my bf was like god I couldn't think of anything worse

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t remember EVER behaving like this, nor did my siblings. I feel like it’s only been a thing since the late 90s/early 2000s.

I think part of that is going out to eat has become more normalised and not a special treat as chain restaurants & cafes have boomed - so, essentially, you see far more young kids in those places than you used to. Fair enough I guess.

But also? It’s like some parents (emphasis on some) just do not give a shit if their child disturbs others. I totally appreciate that some children are difficult, and every kid has loud moments, but I just think back in the day, the parents would have immediately taken the child home rather than allowed their behaviour to ruin every other guest’s time. My parents would have shamed me into silence

It’s that totally lax attitude of some parents that annoys me. Just a little bit of awareness goes such a long way! A little nod, an apology, just a recognition that I (and others) exist and we don’t enjoy your screaming kid helps so much. Just because a parent is used to it and can ignore it doesn’t mean everyone else in the venue isn’t thoroughly fed up by their noise!

 

[judgejohndeed]

When I first met my partner he wanted children. He was also a bit of a 'expected me to change my name when we get married, will eventually be a SAHM' type. Not because he is anti women or anything - it's just how things had always been done in his family, and I don't think he'd ever really been given cause to question it. Anyway, the first time children etc came up and he was talking about how one day I could 'work part time' I put it to him that seeing as he was the one who wanted the children, perhaps he could be the one to go part time and I would continue to work full time. He was FURIOUS at the suggestion and obviously I explained that's exactly how I felt having it put to me that I should minimise my career goals to stay at home doing something I didn't want to do. He has fortunately opened his mind over time, but it's very interesting to me that he now also does not want children now that he knows how it feels to be asked what he was happy to ask of me. I suppose it's very easy to 'want' children when you don't really have to consider the full practicalities, or you just expect that someone else will do all the donkey work. It does make me a bit suspicious now when I meet men who claim they really want kids, if I'm honest. I know in some cases that will be unfair and there are some men who would love to be stay at home Dads or whatever but most of the time it's a red flag.

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

49 and childfree here. Happily married for nearly 20 years and for many reasons we have never produced offspring.

The 'having someone to look after me in my old age' argument has always amused me. For one thing, shame on you if that's your motivation for having kids. Secondly, just because you produce kids, it doesn't mean that they will be willing or able to look after them in their dotage. I have no intention of looking after my parents as they approach their 80's for many, many reasons, none of which I need to justify.

Also, why are child-free people regularly seen as selfish? Surely not clogging up the planet with more humans is in itself the opposite of selfish?

 

[Lanavalentine]

Another childfree woman here and very happy with my choice.

I am not one of those who was adamant they didn’t want kids from a young age - I just assumed I did, assumed I would have children and love being a mum. It’s what we’re told, isn’t it? Directly from family, covertly from the media, the idea that women’s main role in life is to breed (and that it will make us “complete”) is irritatingly rife.

Health issues in my late 20s/early 30s are what made me actually sit down and think about having children, and discuss it with my partner, and we both came to the conclusion that we didn’t really want them. It was strangely easy to decide - like not eating a food you dislike - and from that day we realised we’re very much childfree by choice!

When I look back now, I realise it wasn’t something I ever gave much thought to, and it could have been very easy to sleepwalk into a situation that I didn’t particularly want. I’m sure I would have coped, but god I’m glad I did stop to pause and explore my options. I am sad to say I think a fair few women I know did sleepwalk into motherhood.

I really appreciate the mums posting here that they support childfree people, but I think even the most supportive mums do not realise how they can sometimes come off to childfree people... for example, going on about how difficult their lives are and that we have it easy. There is a subtext there that really pisses me off, to be honest, often a hint of matyrdom that pits mums as selfless hard workers and childfree women as lazy layabouts.

I will also say I get really sick of the idea that childfree people must live amazing, glam lifestyles because that’s what parents assume they’d be doing if they didn’t spend all their time and money on their children. No I don’t want to retire early and travel the world, I don’t want to learn to scuba dive or do trapeze or train lions or whatever else it is that sounds fun and exotic... why can’t I just have a normal life of work, home, some socialising, nice annual holidays, just like you? Just without the kids, obviously! Clearly some childfree people do have amazingly adventurous lifestyles, and that’s awesome, but it doesn’t mean we all want to go backpacking at age 50 (I can’t imagine anything worse to be honest).

 

[Satisfying Click]

Had a childfree friend over for dinner last night and halfway through eating, we talked about some of the nonsense parents have said in order to convince us to join their club. Apparently my husband was told by a colleague (who has had their third child) that having children keeps him young, so my husband should consider it. You know what keeps me young? Sleep

 

[ChampagneBox]

I think John has an 22 year old receptionist called Laura….

 

[Pixipoppy]

I'm still in the middle of whether I do or not but the comments like "when you have your baby you'll feel different" or "when you get older you'll be different" or "you'll regret it if you don't" or "you'll make a great mom"..... So frustrating!!!!

Oh my god “you’ll make a great mum” is the worst Usually based on the fact I can play around have fun messing about with other people’s kids. Yeah I’m great fun for 20 minutes but I’d also probably boot the kid out the window if it was my own.