One of my most understanding friends who supported me through the 'should we/shouldn't we' phase has children. I actually discussed my decision to definitely not to have children with her baby bouncing on my lap. She appreciates the reality of it; loves being a mum but has never tried to foist the matter on me. She's content with the decision she has made and doesn't feel it necessary to project. The ones who insist that it's brilliant and everyone should do it are the same ones who delight in their 'childfree time' and constantly complain about their kids on social media.
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There is someone I have followed online for years. She and her husband had a baby a few years ago and what a tit show. She uses Twitter almost like a journal to vent about how her husband never helps. He comes home from work asking why dinner isn't ready or the house isn't clean, meanwhile she's dealing with a newborn. I think she had PPD too. Her husband seems so useless and reading her posts made me furious for her. She is so unhappy. I said to my fiance that she'd be stupid to have a second baby with him... Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me type thing. A few days after saying that to my fiance, she announced she was pregnant with baby number two and I was like WTF. so now she has two toddlers and her life is even more miserable and her husband is a lazy tit. She does everything for the kids, he does nothing, seems like he was just the sperm doner. I told my fiance if he acted like that, I would be furious and he said he would never dream of it as it should be 50/50. Just until recently, this woman's husband hadnt looked after the kids himself or even bathed them...
When I was organising a hen do, I had an email from a guest dropping out as she 'couldn't possibly leave her baby and toddler' with her husband [who works in the city and heads up a team of tens of people]. Amazing at how so many men are 'inept' when it comes to the domestic sphere and childcare, but somehow shine in the workplace on their 6-figure salaries 
Poor woman essentially has three children
Right. So common it seems. We are having an adult only wedding, apart from our niece and nephew and have already told our friends so they can have time to either arrange a babysitter or not come.When I was organising a hen do, I had an email from a guest dropping out as she 'couldn't possibly leave her baby and toddler' with her husband [who works in the city and heads up a team of tens of people]. Amazing at how so many men are 'inept' when it comes to the domestic sphere and childcare, but somehow shine in the workplace on their 6-figure salaries
Poor woman essentially has three children
We are celebrating 12 years married this year and are childfree.. have you ever wobbled about your decision? I'm currently mid wobble and wondering if it's just normal to reflect bck to make sure we have made the right decisions... would love your thoughts...We are childfree and love it. We recently had our 16th wedding anniversary and I'm so grateful that it is just the two of us. It's one of the best decisions we ever made. No regrets
I think it's completely normal to wonder if you have made the right choice. I still think about it because I know that my fertility is fast declining with age. Should I just not think so much and just do it before that door closes? When I look at our niece I sometimes wonder what our child would look like. I think it's more of a society thing, the pressure to conform, be part of the group, to no be left out, than a what's best for me thing. But yes I still think about it sometimes, "Should I?!" The answer, for me, is always no. We've been very lucky to travel, move wherever we want, and experience so much and I am so relieved that I never got pregnant. We are really happy with our lives and there isn't really anything that I wish I had done.
My parents neighbours are in their 60s and what they said about choosing not to have children made sense. They said they see and hear all the joy and laughter that comes when the grandchildren visit my folks and it’s lovely. But then they look at their life and realise they couldn’t have done half the things they have if they’d had kids. Travelling, rescuing the dogs that they have, both giving up work to follow their dream ( won’t say what as it’s private).
I’ve got kids myself, but that’s what we chose. I chose not to go bungee jumping, but no one tells me I’ll regret it in later life if I don’t do it
I’ve got kids myself, but that’s what we chose. I chose not to go bungee jumping, but no one tells me I’ll regret it in later life if I don’t do it
32 (in March) and child free by choice.
Been with partner for 12 years (in Feb) it was something I discussed very early in our relationship- when I was 20 or so I think- and he’s always felt the same way.
I have known since my early teens I didn’t want kids. Have gone through years of patronising from others (usually work colleagues and usually men) never from family. My sister is 37 and does not have kids through choice. Our mother fully supports this and encourages this. In fairness I can see my mother loves all her kids but she acknowledges her choices were different to mine and kids is not the be all end all for women.
freedom to study, live, travel the world, build a career and generally just do what I please has been my main motivation.
Partners Dad was really keen on us having kids but we both shut that down. Now we don’t get asked about marriage or kids. No ones bloody business.
Been with partner for 12 years (in Feb) it was something I discussed very early in our relationship- when I was 20 or so I think- and he’s always felt the same way.
I have known since my early teens I didn’t want kids. Have gone through years of patronising from others (usually work colleagues and usually men) never from family. My sister is 37 and does not have kids through choice. Our mother fully supports this and encourages this. In fairness I can see my mother loves all her kids but she acknowledges her choices were different to mine and kids is not the be all end all for women.
freedom to study, live, travel the world, build a career and generally just do what I please has been my main motivation.
Partners Dad was really keen on us having kids but we both shut that down. Now we don’t get asked about marriage or kids. No ones bloody business.
When I was 14 my mum had my sister. So I saw first hand (at an age where I understood) how much hard work babies and toddlers were. I was ADAMANT I would never have kids. For years I could never understand why anyone would want to have children. I had zero interest. Meanwhile my best friend became an aunt at the same age and doted on babies and was always babysitting.
Now 22 years later I have a toddler (who in the end up was longed for) and my best friend is child free and travels the world.
We switched lives somewhere along the way and both very happy with our lot (and I might add still the very best of friends)
Me and my best friend have this conversation regularly. I have a child, she is child free. It's fantastic to have friends who are open and honest with each other about the highs and lows of the chosen path, esp without fear of judgement. Some days she we would switch lives easily, but that's true of everything in life.
I'm a late mum, had my first child at 32. So spent all my 20s being asked when I was gonna settle down and have kids. I wasn't sure I wanted them to be honest, I was enjoying my life and independence. Now I have one I'm not sure I want any more. I love my kid, but there is sooo much pressure if you're gonna have another or 'try' for the opposite gender. It took us over a year to fall pregnant and during that time it was stressful and worrying that maybe I'd left it too late. I think everyone should be free to live their lives without the social pressures. So no I'm not child free , I considered it and waited til the right time. Kids are a lot of work so don't make a decision you're not sure on it's your life! And that first year you really lose your old self , all your priorities are the baby and it's draining at times.
it's your life! And that first year you really lose your old self , all your priorities are the baby and it's draining at times.I'm the same I was 32. He was much longed for but some days I feel like I dont even exist as a person in my own right anymore.I'm a late mum, had my first child at 32. So spent all my 20s being asked when I was gonna settle down and have kids. I wasn't sure I wanted them to be honest, I was enjoying my life and independence. Now I have one I'm not sure I want any more. I love my kid, but there is sooo much pressure if you're gonna have another or 'try' for the opposite gender. It took us over a year to fall pregnant and during that time it was stressful and worrying that maybe I'd left it too late. I think everyone should be free to live their lives without the social pressures. So no I'm not child free , I considered it and waited til the right time. Kids are a lot of work so don't make a decision you're not sure on
However in saying that I do want another. Not just yet. I am giving myself time to adjust to the new me. I think that aspect of feeling like you have lost your identity is so unexpected (even when u expect it, the true reality of it can be overwhelming) that next time I feel I'll be more prepared for it.
Lol. I took the dog to the groomers today and she often comments on how we should get a second dog. We are perfectly happy with one and it makes going away easy, we couldn't imagine the cost of boarding two dogs, plus life in general. Like, if we did want children, we would just have one.
Anyway. I say that we are happy with just the one and then she says "maybe a baby then?" Bear in mind, that I barely know this lady outside of getting the dog groomed. I said: "we will see (this is my go-to when I barely know someone as I CBA talking about why we don't want a baby). *insert dog's name* is basically a perpetual toddler anyway."
Luckily it was left at that. But I don't understand WHY people feel the need to suggest it. It is so ingrained into people's brains, isn't it? She didn't mean any harm by saying it but goodness it is annoying.
Anyway. I say that we are happy with just the one and then she says "maybe a baby then?" Bear in mind, that I barely know this lady outside of getting the dog groomed. I said: "we will see (this is my go-to when I barely know someone as I CBA talking about why we don't want a baby). *insert dog's name* is basically a perpetual toddler anyway."
Luckily it was left at that. But I don't understand WHY people feel the need to suggest it. It is so ingrained into people's brains, isn't it? She didn't mean any harm by saying it but goodness it is annoying.
I am pretty infertile by nature but through the marvel of medicine + lots of cash, have kids. Medicine and cash might not have been enough for me to have them. I would never ask someone about their life choices/circumstances cos it’s bleeping emotive and none of my business. Why even go there?!
“Do you have kids? No? Why not? And whilst we’re at it - brexit/remain? Who did you vote for? Thoughts on Corbyn? Jews? Trans rights? Do you hate vegans? Thoughts on China? Trump? Why that blouse? And your weight, too high maybe? Or you look scarily skinny”
“Do you have kids? No? Why not? And whilst we’re at it - brexit/remain? Who did you vote for? Thoughts on Corbyn? Jews? Trans rights? Do you hate vegans? Thoughts on China? Trump? Why that blouse? And your weight, too high maybe? Or you look scarily skinny”
YES. It is just one of those topics that you really don't know how it will make someone feel. It could cause their heart to shatter because they can't have kids or it can make someone feel very awkward because they don't want kids and then they're questioned why.
Also, I am just SO happy with the discussion on here, from people who have children but understand why people don't want children to those of us who are childfree through choice.
I have been on some other forums because and it hasn't been so nice.
As a mum I love getting invitations stating adults only! And as it happens the only child invited to my wedding was my bridesmaids baby (bridesmaid was my cousin) as her parents were also at the wedding and in laws live in another country so no babysitters available.
Kids dont enjoy weddings, it's long day and when they get bored and start whining adults dont enjoy it either!
I would also like to put a disclaimer out there that I promise I do like children...esp my own
hes really bloody brilliant actually
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I’m childfree and been with my partner for 8 years. Throughout my 20s, I was set on not having any but the past couple of years I’ve been broody af and now want a child more than anything. I just feel a bit empty without. I’ve been trying to get my partner on board for a while (he’s a bit younger than me) and he finally seems to be coming around to the idea. If he was still refusing it would probably be a deal breaker tbh.
Saw family at Christmas and got the old ‘when are you having kids’ for the first time and now really understand the inappropriateness of it all. It was really awkward, we haven’t started trying but can imagine how upsetting that question would be if we were struggling to.
Saw family at Christmas and got the old ‘when are you having kids’ for the first time and now really understand the inappropriateness of it all. It was really awkward, we haven’t started trying but can imagine how upsetting that question would be if we were struggling to.
Yeah I have read stories like that where both people entered the relationship as CF through choice then some years down the line, one of them changes their mind. It often ended up in them separating or them having a child and the one who wasn't sure being miserable.
I hope it works out for you.
I had a short phase around 31 where I really wanted to get pregnant. It felt like a hormonal thing, it's hard to explain.
All these stories from women who have 1 kid and are being pressured by others to have another or “try” for the opposite gender (wtf?! It’s not like it can be controlled. Well without getting into a very “one child China policy ethics discussion”) these stories make me sad and angry.
Sad because here we are with people (well intentioned or not) putting undue pressure on families.
Angry because it shows me that, in 2020, what ever a woman does is still not enough. Not having kids? You’re selfish. Have a kid? When you having another? Oh you’re not, well that is selfish. Then no doubt it would swing the other way. Having 3/4/5 etc kids? Oh, you’re selfish because of the burdens placed on others, grandparents and such. And that’s before we get into sexism due to maternity leave in the workplace. Honestly, women cannot bleeping win!!!
Without channeling full “you go girl”sass I just want to state that any woman going through this tit, please know you are enough. Your choices (whatever they be!) are enough and your family situation is enough. Ignore all the external pressures.
Sad because here we are with people (well intentioned or not) putting undue pressure on families.
Angry because it shows me that, in 2020, what ever a woman does is still not enough. Not having kids? You’re selfish. Have a kid? When you having another? Oh you’re not, well that is selfish. Then no doubt it would swing the other way. Having 3/4/5 etc kids? Oh, you’re selfish because of the burdens placed on others, grandparents and such. And that’s before we get into sexism due to maternity leave in the workplace. Honestly, women cannot bleeping win!!!
Without channeling full “you go girl”sass I just want to state that any woman going through this tit, please know you are enough. Your choices (whatever they be!) are enough and your family situation is enough. Ignore all the external pressures.
I have a 6 year old.. he wasn't planned and I dont really remember much of his first few years. I worked full time from when he was 4 months old.
I ended up being a single mum when he had just turned 3.
I went through a phase of resenting having him as it made me think I had to stay with someone who wasnt nice to me.
I also felt I couldn't ever be free from his dad.( he wants me to move on and talk to him)
For me I had a child at the wrong time in my life as I wasnt strong enough to be a good mum I wasnt strong enough to stand up for myself and enjoy being a mum.
I don't know if I'll ever have another child and I feel incredibly guilty for bringing a child into a abusive relationship and having to live with that and have some sort of tie to someone I dont want anything to do with for the rest of my life.
I ended up being a single mum when he had just turned 3.
I went through a phase of resenting having him as it made me think I had to stay with someone who wasnt nice to me.
I also felt I couldn't ever be free from his dad.( he wants me to move on and talk to him)
For me I had a child at the wrong time in my life as I wasnt strong enough to be a good mum I wasnt strong enough to stand up for myself and enjoy being a mum.
I don't know if I'll ever have another child and I feel incredibly guilty for bringing a child into a abusive relationship and having to live with that and have some sort of tie to someone I dont want anything to do with for the rest of my life.
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