Childfree by choice #5

[Lola Ruby]

I'm getting to the age now that EVERYONE around me seems to be having kids. It's funny, when I was younger I just assumed I'd have/want kids when I was older and now that I'm in my 30s I've never had that feeling of "I NEED kids" that nearly everyone in my circle seems to be having. It just seems so... boring and thankless? And the worrying and parenting never stops, because what if your child is disabled, has severe mental health issues, financial problems later in life, etc etc. I feel like people romanticise having children SO much, like oh we've been together X number of years, I guess the next step is having kids, ah it'll be so cute having a mini-me around. Without ever thinking how much work it's going to be? Even I can see how much of a monumentally life changing decision it is and I'm not a parent? & then shocked Pikachu face when it's not as amazing as they thought.

One of my friends had a baby last year and recently invited me and 2 of her other friends round to her house. 1 of her friends has a 2 year old. Towards the end of the evening they spent at least half an hour talking all things babies, sleep routines etc etc. Me and the other friend (also childfree) were just sat there in silence because obviously we have nothing to add and I just remember thinking how rude and awkward it was.

Also (I'm sure this has been brought up in this thread before lol) but now I almost dread my friends announcing they're pregnant? While I'm happy for them, it makes me really sad because I know the friendship will never be the same, no more nights out, no more holidays together, no more spontaneous plans, ever. Every time a friend announces it's like... another one bites the dust. Out of all my friends, only one of them is decidedly childfree and intends to stay that way. I know it's part of life but it does get me down and makes me feel like something's wrong with ME for not having baby fever. One of my best friends got married over the summer and told me she'd stopped taking the pill just before the wedding as they wanted to have kids right after and now it's just a matter of time until she's pregnant too. She's one of my last friends who still goes out etc so that won't be happening anymore.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

It sounds blissful . What hotels did you go to if you dont mind me asking? I'm struggling to find many adult only hotels on tui lately, especially 5*.

That hotel was Son Matias Beach in Majorca! It was a really small hotel too so it was nice and we got a good view of the beach & pool!

 

[Blond3g1rl]

It sounds blissful . What hotels did you go to if you dont mind me asking? I'm struggling to find many adult only hotels on tui lately, especially 5*.

I’m going to the residence tui blue fethiye next year after a recommendation from family

 

[Gem_woody]

I'm getting to the age now that EVERYONE around me seems to be having kids. It's funny, when I was younger I just assumed I'd have/want kids when I was older and now that I'm in my 30s I've never had that feeling of "I NEED kids" that nearly everyone in my circle seems to be having. It just seems so... boring and thankless? And the worrying and parenting never stops, because what if your child is disabled, has severe mental health issues, financial problems later in life, etc etc. I feel like people romanticise having children SO much, like oh we've been together X number of years, I guess the next step is having kids, ah it'll be so cute having a mini-me around. Without ever thinking how much work it's going to be? Even I can see how much of a monumentally life changing decision it is and I'm not a parent? & then shocked Pikachu face when it's not as amazing as they thought.

One of my friends had a baby last year and recently invited me and 2 of her other friends round to her house. 1 of her friends has a 2 year old. Towards the end of the evening they spent at least half an hour talking all things babies, sleep routines etc etc. Me and the other friend (also childfree) were just sat there in silence because obviously we have nothing to add and I just remember thinking how rude and awkward it was.

Also (I'm sure this has been brought up in this thread before lol) but now I almost dread my friends announcing they're pregnant? While I'm happy for them, it makes me really sad because I know the friendship will never be the same, no more nights out, no more holidays together, no more spontaneous plans, ever. Every time a friend announces it's like... another one bites the dust. Out of all my friends, only one of them is decidedly childfree and intends to stay that way. I know it's part of life but it does get me down and makes me feel like something's wrong with ME for not having baby fever. One of my best friends got married over the summer and told me she'd stopped taking the pill just before the wedding as they wanted to have kids right after and now it's just a matter of time until she's pregnant too. She's one of my last friends who still goes out etc so that won't be happening anymore.

It sounds awful but I didn't feel happy for my friends when they told me they were pregnant I know I'm supposed to be happy for them but all I could think of was the impending death of the friendship . This is probably the only place I can admit it!

 

[DCICassieStuart]

That hotel was Son Matias Beach in Majorca! It was a really small hotel too so it was nice and we got a good view of the beach & pool!

In Palma Nova? I've stayed there too. It's lovely.

 

[rosemarina]

It sounds awful but I didn't feel happy for my friends when they told me they were pregnant I know I'm supposed to be happy for them but all I could think of was the impending death of the friendship . This is probably the only place I can admit it!

Same.

 

[Blond3g1rl]

It sounds awful but I didn't feel happy for my friends when they told me they were pregnant I know I'm supposed to be happy for them but all I could think of was the impending death of the friendship . This is probably the only place I can admit it!

Being brutally honest when my sister announced she was pregnant it upset me. We are very close and I knew our relationship would never be the same again.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

In Palma Nova? I've stayed there too. It's lovely.

Yes that’s the one! We really enjoyed it.

 

[malibu skies]

Just to echo everyone who has lost friends/is anticipating losing friends because of them having children. I wish I knew more people (like you guys!) in real life who were planning to stay childfree

 

[HeyBabes]

My best friend said to me the other night “oh I might not be able to drink for the next 9 months” she was saying friends/family me,her have been getting pregnant and it’s been making her really upset. So she’s going to come off her pill and get pregnant. Never said if she’d discussed it with her boyfriend or not, and I was dumbstruck, I genuinely didn’t know what to say to that. She’s been bad enough with ditching us for her dog, so it’s fair to say if she has a kid she’ll never be in my life again

 

[mdizzl3]

I was at my in-laws and my SIL just had a baby. It all just looks horrendous. Even though it’s a cute lovely baby, she has to breastfeed every 2 hours! For like 20 mins at a time. So either you’re housebound/excluded, or have to get your tits out in front of all and sundry.
I said “what if you get invited to a party?” and MIL basically scoffed at the concept of going anywhere like a party when you have a young baby. SIL mentioned her friend who is formula feeding and went for a weekend away with her husband and left her baby with her parents, MIL looked horrified. So basically if you dare to make your life easier in any way, or have ANY leisure time to yourself, you’re a bad mum.

It’s so thankless! Just endless judgement and any “help” from family comes with their dumbass opinions on your choices. I’d rather enjoy my life thanks! Only now at 29 have I FINALLY found a job I enjoy, a hobby I enjoy and am more comfortable in myself. After being bullied at school, doing 6 jobs I hated and 5 counsellors/stints of depression, I finally feel like I’ve got my tit together. Why would I ruin all that?

I think if I ever got pregnant it would have to be at a time when I felt like I’d “completed” life (hopefully never, or maybe 40), and I was rich enough to have a private c-section, get paid help, formula feed, get husband to do >50% of ALL the work and not give a damn what anyone thinks. Rather than get my tits out in front of judgemental family and be housebound…

 

[mousey]

It sounds awful but I didn't feel happy for my friends when they told me they were pregnant I know I'm supposed to be happy for them but all I could think of was the impending death of the friendship . This is probably the only place I can admit it!

Same! It feels incredibly selfish though so I would never admit it in person to anyone haha.

As a previous poster said, it makes you feel like YOU are the problem because you don’t want kids, and you end up just being left behind. But it’s not us that’s the problem is it really, it’s the friends and family who don’t want to (or can’t) retain a relationship when kids appear. Friends should be as important as other non-platonic relationships and most people don’t seem to realise that?

Haha sorry that was a bit of a ramble, I find it hard to articulate my thoughts around this!!

 

[TaylorMomsen]

Arranged to go for lunch with two of my besties on Saturday
One of them invited one of our less close friends and this friend brought her daughter with them
I detest this kid. She's obnoxious, loud, rude and thinks the whole world revolves around her. She's 5.
The conversation then centred around the kids dance shows, her swimming lessons, her school while the kid sat there with her ipad on FULL VOLUME screeching over her mum, banging her head on the table and shouting for drinks.
The mum also slagged her fella off constantly to the daughter (who cheated on her when she first got knocked up, then again after she had the baby) but yet stayed with and they're now buying a new house?

 

[Tangent Tiger]

I had mixed feelings about my friends having kids, happy for them but also wistful things would change. We were no longer daft youngsters (apart from the occasional moment!)

 

[judgejohndeed]

Arranged to go for lunch with two of my besties on Saturday
One of them invited one of our less close friends and this friend brought her daughter with them
I detest this kid. She's obnoxious, loud, rude and thinks the whole world revolves around her. She's 5.
The conversation then centred around the kids dance shows, her swimming lessons, her school while the kid sat there with her ipad on FULL VOLUME screeching over her mum, banging her head on the table and shouting for drinks.
The mum also slagged her fella off constantly to the daughter (who cheated on her when she first got knocked up, then again after she had the baby) but yet stayed with and they're now buying a new house?

I'm sure I'm being naive and 'oh but I would be different' here but...I just can't imagine going to meet friends for lunch and thinking taking my 5 year old would be enjoyable for anybody? Even if your friends like said 5 year old, can you not have a lunch without dragging your kid along? If you can't get childcare, then go another time? Just seems weird to me.

 

[Pebbleybeach]

Just to drag the conversation back to losing friends when they have children - I saw a thread elsewhere by a woman who has two children and has lost all of her friends as she doesn’t have the time or headspace for them and can’t make ‘mummy friends’ (gag) (why do you have time and headspace for mummy friends but not childfree/less friends) . She was advised not to worry as friends are there for stages, so she will make friends at the school gates when her kids go to school and then when the school gate friends kids and her kids are grown and they’re all working again/have more time/have more headspace she can contact her childfree/less friends again and have friendships with them because they’ll be at the same stage eg no kids at home…

If my friends who have cut me off when they had friends contacted me in 12-20 years and wanted to be friends again I’d ignore and block them!

 

[TaylorMomsen]

I'm sure I'm being naive and 'oh but I would be different' here but...I just can't imagine going to meet friends for lunch and thinking taking my 5 year old would be enjoyable for anybody? Even if your friends like said 5 year old, can you not have a lunch without dragging your kid along? If you can't get childcare, then go another time? Just seems weird to me.

EXACTLY!
When my bestie said she'd invited her I messaged back saying "she best not be bringing XXXX" and of course she was
The dad does duck all with the kid too, spends his weekends "wild camping" but I think he's defo off banging someone
My bestie brought her son but hes 12, super polite, shown me a video of a boozy watermelon he wants me to make the next time I throw a party then sat there eating his chicken wings and reading and alternating watching youtube with his headphones in (his dad was working)
I don't hate all kids just badly behaved horror bags haha

 

[Bugger13]

I agree. I lost loads of my friends when they had children, not on my side because although I don’t want children I’m happy to hang out with children and do stuff like hold the baby while visiting so the mum can put washing on/have a quick shower/whatever to help out. Now their children are grown up I’m getting messages asking how I am and if I want to meet up and do stuff, I’ve just left them on read.

I’m still friends with lots of people who had children who didn’t duck the friendship up and childless/childfree people so I don’t need the friendships that clearly weren’t that strong but their social media and/or messages to me are all about how lonely they are. One posted a long thing on instagram the other day about how when the children are grown up friendships end because you don’t do the school run, clubs, reciprocated babysitting and lifts and stuff like that and how she’s so lonely now all her friends have drifted away and are working now the children are grown etc but when she had her children she told me she couldn’t be bothered to meet up with me because I didn’t have children and so couldn’t add anything to her life like playmates for her children or reciprocal babysitting etc which was a shame for her because I do actually babysit for friends and family although they can’t reciprocate

You get out of life what you put in and that include work, hobbies, family and friends and if they’re not willing to put in them they don’t get anything out

Also your friend should complain because she has covid and one kid. Someone out there has covid and two kids. And they also shouldn’t complain because someone has covid, three kids and a dog. Where does it end. Let’s find the poorest woman in the world with the most illnesses and Dias abilities and kids and pets and the worst house and the shortest upbringing and all that and we’ll all just listen to her complain and no one else gets to complain ever.

You’ve just described Jack Monroe Always the victim (her threads on here will explain!)

 

[Anne1448]

If my friends who have cut me off when they had friends contacted me in 12-20 years and wanted to be friends again I’d ignore and block them!

This is way too common!

I went to pick up one of my drunk friend after he got stuck in the city. He asked if I could drop his other friend too. No problem.

The guy in question cut ties with my friend 21 years ago because he had two daughters. Apparently his wife didn't like the fact that my friend was childfree and thought that he would distract her husband.

Can you imagine not seeing your friend for 21 years even though you live in the same city just because you don't have kids?

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

some of the tit people say baffles me!

It really annoys me when people who can’t have children get offended. I’ve never tried to get pregnant, so how do I even know if I can have kids?