Childfree by choice #5

[Jane Porcupine]

I don't think it's gatekeeping, it's a thread with a clear topic: being child-free. As others have pointed out, we don't go on parent or pregnancy threads listing reasons why they should reconsider. It was interesting to hear the honest regret story but I also don't want this thread to become the regular place where unhappy parents come to unload and clear their conscience

I agree, it feels very much to me like that poster can't have that conversation about regret with other parents so chose to come here expecting a sympathetic ear. Wrong audience!

I think it's fine for parents to read and comment on the thread, however the comments need to be made in the context of the conversation and not used as an opportunity to talk about your child centred life. Go to one of the many parenting threads/Mumsnet for that.

I agree. I see so many posts about people saying they didn’t realise things about being a parents. A recent one was going out to dinner for her husband. It was very difficult for lots of reasons and she didn’t realise it would be before she had a child and because of that and many other reasons she resents the child.

I’ve obviously never had a child but just a quick 1 minute think about dinner with my husband vs dinner with my husband and our child and and I can tell you how hard it would be and how it would be different. I think people do realise, they just block it out because it’s what they want. Like I realise McDonald’s isn’t healthy but I block it out because I want it

People tell me I can have children and nothing about my life will change and that’s blatantly not true. On Sunday we slept until 2pm then ate a roast dinner in bed while watching horror films. A baby/toddler/child would change that!

My three closest friends have kids and always say they didn't realise how their lives would change. I honestly (and privately) think WTF, how?! It's literally the number one reason that I DON'T want them. How can you not have ever considered this?!

 

[Sheeeet]

On the pet theme, I love cats but don't have one at the moment. This would absolutely be me

 

[rosemarina]

My cats have a cardboard yurt, and sometimes use my iPad to play a cat game . Oh dear.

The people who didn't think it would change their lives all looked at other women telling them that very same thing for years, and thought "Yeah, but I'm different. It will be different for me". Humans do this a lot. We are all much, much more similar than we want to believe. If most people don't find something enjoyable, you almost certainly won't either. The sooner we all learn this, the better.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Yeah my first thought was 'sucks to be you ' and I agree that parents shouldn't be on this thread. Is that gatekeeping?

I think it probably is is gatekeeping and I think that's also fine tbh? All spaces don't have to include all people, a thread for child free people is not a space for parents. I would never dream of posting about being childfree on the numerous threads for parents and if I did then I'd expect to be told where to go! If I wanted to ask something about kids or whatever I'd make a thread on the advice board or something.

I have to say I did find the post from the person regretting having kids really sad. I agree this thread probably wasn't the place for it but I can't really harden myself to those because it's so taboo and there's so few places to express that. Did reinforce my childfree lifestyle though. Also love how many of us have cats, the ultimate low maintenance pet

 

[Satisfying Click]

I've had this in real life where parents think childfree people are dumping grounds to hear about how difficult parenting is. I mean, yes, other parents may not be the best people to speak to either, especially when there is judgement about regretting parenthood (especially motherhood) but the absence of children doesn't make us a suitable audience.

I've managed to find a happy medium with my friend's children. I write to them - they love getting little cards/stickers in the post, I get a drawing to stick on the fridge in return, and it's back to one-on-one time with my friend.

 

[lastdis]

I am one who has kids but read here and have commented. but Never to say how you will regret it. I read here at first cos a few of my friends are child free. And I’ve recommended a friend join here as she said she feels judged when she says she happy as she is and doesn’t want kids, and said she doesn’t know anyone else like that. I’ve reassured her there’s many many people who choose to be childfree. years ago I think it was the expected get married have a few kids, and imo that’s why theres some right crap parents . Because they never wanted it. And I think theres gonna be more and more families being childfree in the coming years. Oh and one think that pisses my friend off is when poeple , say oh but family is important, she has family, she has a partner, siblings etc .
edited to add. I’ll stick to reading now and hope I didn’t offend by posting

 

[Mycatoliver]

If colleagues dump their woes on me about their kids I just reply saying ‘and that’s why I don’t have kids’

I find it harder when friends are moaning but it pisses me off.
One friend has a newborn and moaning about having to go back to work but being unable to pay for childcare and blaming her husband not earning enough money….so why have a kid?
Another friend has two kids and admitted that her partner never wanted a second kid and hasn’t accepted it plus she (I suppose they) never ever considered the cost of two kids at nursery so she’s super worried.

I cannot fathom why you’d have a kid with someone who isn’t particularly invested in you or having a family or/and not working out your finances beforehand.

Both friends have told me so many times their partners wanted dogs but they won’t let them because of the commitment then they go and have a baby.

 

[Jane Porcupine]

I am one who has kids but read here and have commented. but Never to say how you will regret it. I read here at first cos a few of my friends are child free. And I’ve recommended a friend join here as she said she feels judged when she says she happy as she is and doesn’t want kids, and said she doesn’t know anyone else like that. I’ve reassured her there’s many many people who choose to be childfree. years ago I think it was the expected get married have a few kids, and imo that’s why theres some right crap parents . Because they never wanted it. And I think theres gonna be more and more families being childfree in the coming years. Oh and one think that pisses my friend off is when poeple , say oh but family is important, she has family, she has a partner, siblings etc .
edited to add. I’ll stick to reading now and hope I didn’t offend by posting

You haven't offended me, your post was exactly what I meant when I said about joining in and posting in context rather than using it as an opportunity to talk about family life.

Re: your friend's comment, this annoys me too! A few years back at Christmas, my husband's sister got these family tree things made. It was like a cut out wooden tree in a frame with the names of everyone in that household written on the leaves. She got them for everyone except me and my husband, presumably because we don't count as there's just two of us.

I mean they were twee AF and I wouldn't actually display it in my house but the sentiment is still hurtful.

 

[Princesst]

I cannot fathom why you’d have a kid with someone who isn’t particularly invested in you or having a family or/and not working out your finances beforehand.

I’m on the same page, I don’t get it either. It’s at this point in my life, 30s, I realise it I met my long term friends now we simply wouldn’t be friends because we’re just so different. Our thoughts on life and everything in between are just worlds apart because theirs just focuses on their kids & or moaning about them. Makes me really sad when I see what they’ve become & really thankful I didn’t feel whatever urge they did to have kids without genuinely understanding what it meant/entailed

 

[Evie10]

I've never experienced "baby fever", but I wonder if those hormones are what cause parents to push aside all the realistic downsides of having kids, that then leads to them being a bit shocked when it's not all sunshine and roses? I don't know. I just look at parenthood logically and think it looks hard and awful, and can't imagine why anyone would willingly chose it

 

[pinkmug]

I am one who has kids but read here and have commented. but Never to say how you will regret it. I read here at first cos a few of my friends are child free. And I’ve recommended a friend join here as she said she feels judged when she says she happy as she is and doesn’t want kids, and said she doesn’t know anyone else like that. I’ve reassured her there’s many many people who choose to be childfree. years ago I think it was the expected get married have a few kids, and imo that’s why theres some right crap parents . Because they never wanted it. And I think theres gonna be more and more families being childfree in the coming years. Oh and one think that pisses my friend off is when poeple , say oh but family is important, she has family, she has a partner, siblings etc .
edited to add. I’ll stick to reading now and hope I didn’t offend by posting

You didn't offend at all. I've heard something similar towards a newly married colleague this afternoon. She's soon leaving her job and moving to her husband's city and she was talking about it to an older colleague in my section. The older lady was throwing her hands in the air congratulating her for it because "of course you want a family! you'll want babies!" I was gobsmacked but I minded my business. Perhaps she wants babies but not having them doesn't mean you don't have a family?? How do we know she even wants kids, or is able to conceive? Why is this subject such an open ground to discuss and judge when men are never questioned on when they are having babies or why they are moving to join their wives? The lady is one of those who is not really worth my energy to argue and discuss because she never listens to anyone except herself but if I was receiving this comment, I'd be angry. Your friend has every right to be upset.

 

[ElectricDreams]

You have to consider your child when you make decisions, therefore they change your life.

even having a cat has slightly changed my life as I have to take into consideration his care when I go on holiday. Luckily I have family who will stay over and see to him, but I still have to think about the logistics of it all before I just book somewhere.

Hell I've only got a hamster and even he had an impact on my life as I need to get him looked after when I go away (and people aren't as willing to look after rodents as they are dogs and cats ) No way could I cope with anything bigger and more complicated demanding my time!

I was viewing a house last week and the seller asked if we had kids, we said hell no! A while later she said "if you do have kids, the house is in the catchment area for the best primary school in the area" I mean, I should probably be flattered that she thinks I'm still young enough to consider having kids but at 40 I'm definitely not starting now!

 

[Gem_woody]

Hell I've only got a hamster and even he had an impact on my life as I need to get him looked after when I go away (and people aren't as willing to look after rodents as they are dogs and cats ) No way could I cope with anything bigger and more complicated demanding my time!

Same! Hamsters are the best
I love cats and dogs too but I don't feel like I can commit

 

[ElectricDreams]

Same! Hamsters are the best
I love cats and dogs too but I don't feel like I can commit

They are a huge commitment, the next 10-15 years of your life... Might as well have kids! I adore hamsters, they are so cute mine has just had his second birthday, so he's a very old man

 

[Gem_woody]

They are a huge commitment, the next 10-15 years of your life... Might as well have kids! I adore hamsters, they are so cute mine has just had his second birthday, so he's a very old man

So true! Aww bless him. I sadly lost my little Maple last month, she was nearly 2 I'm having a break before I get another hammy which will hopefully be from an ethical breeder next time

 

[ElectricDreams]

So true! Aww bless him. I sadly lost my little Maple last month, she was nearly 2 I'm having a break before I get another hammy which will hopefully be from an ethical breeder next time

Aww I'm so sorry to hear that I adopted Ralph... He was only a few weeks old and had been returned by his previous owner because he was too jumpy he's been absolutely perfect for me, some people just have no patience. The hamster before him was a rescue hamster too, dumped at the adoption centre in an empty cage with no bedding. They'd threatened to release her into the wild if the adoption centre wouldn't take her she was very nervy bless her and never took to being handled.

 

[rosemarina]

I’m struggling to maintain friendships with people who have kids. How do I connect?

Staying connected through diverging experiences is difficult, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith, but doing so may future-proof your friendships

www.theguardian.com

“I’ve had friends thank me for helping them with childcare when I thought we were meant to be socialising.”

This with bleeping bells on.

 

[JE172]

This is like the reverse of what was being said on here yesterday, going on Mumsnet asking for opinions on being child free!

Childless wives reveal how they're judged for not having children


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[Rippedjeanmaybe]

some woman in my husband’s work came in the other week crying and when he spoke to her to see if she was okay (he’s the most senior in the team) she said she was fed up because her husband is ill and the kids don’t give her five minutes and she just wants some peace.
He politely joked that this is why he doesn’t have children…

 

[LaBlonde]

This is like the reverse of what was being said on here yesterday, going on Mumsnet asking for opinions on being child free!

Childless wives reveal how they're judged for not having children


#

i found some of those answers actually quite surprising (and heartening) for mumsnet actually! especially the person who said being childfree sounds “rather wonderful”