Breakup advice

[judgejohndeed]

Really sad to read some of these stories but glad it's not just me in this position. My so-called boyfriend (not sure he ever saw us as bf/gf in 4 years albeit fairly on an off) has just decided to stop contacting me for around two weeks now. We don't live together and to be honest getting monosyllabic responses from him over the last month or so has been like pulling teeth. It's so hurtful and I've had so much other crap going on... please tell me it gets better?

I have deleted his number and I know that sometimes in these situations you never get closure, but it is such a horrible way to treat someone. I would never entertain the idea of staying with someone I didn't love because I'd want them to go and find happiness.

I got stuck in a situation like this for near on 7 years and honestly the only way to get out of it is to take control and block on everything. By not doing so, you leave the communication channels open and that means he knows he can walk in and out of your life as he pleases. 4 years is too long to be putting up with this, this person doesn't respect you.

 

[Jojoo]

So you know her ?! Is she single at least? He can go and live with her meanwhile. They both did wrong and they need to assume. It's not on you.

I am not British. Here we have local "justice houses" that help and give free advice. Also "social assistants" who explains your rights and if you can pretend to some allowance, and so on.
Maybe an association (for solo mums?) could help you?

I don’t know her just personally just her name and what she looked like so wasn’t hard to find her. Last night was the first time I actually met her, I said he can live with you now and she said no way and he said he can’t go there. I’m 30 I’ve been with him 11 years and she insulated I was a whore?! It’s only ever been him she’s the one who he’s dating a married man.
he’s said repeatedly I’m not attractive etc but do you know what, she’s not all that! I know I’m always going to say that but honestly it’s a steak at home kind of phrase.

@Rippedjeanmaybe is exactly right. All the leaving, coming back, I’m definitely done, now I’m not sure.. he’s keeping one foot on the boat until the other is safely on land. When he’s secured his position with the other woman, he will leave once and for all. I agree with the poster who said change the locks. He can go and stay with his new bit while you start sorting out separation proceedings. I’m really sorry this has happened to you. I remember reading the other thread you started, I knew I recognised your name from somewhere. He is a weapons grade dickhead and the sooner he’s gone from the picture the better for you and your little ones.

I know this is so true but it’s so difficult still?! I just can’t see myself being happy again I just feel done

 

[candyland_]

Sending lots of love, Candyland. It's such a callous way to treat someone isn't it? I think he was hoping that I would blow up and be like "why are you ignoring me" but I've done that before with him. Think he wanted me to break up with him (classic cop out). He's incapable of talking about emotions full stop so does everything over text. Last time I confronted him it was really brutal and I just don't want to be told all the ways in which he doesn't want to be with me again (yet he's strung me along as an option for ages now.)

I really hope that your situation improves, too. Thank you so much for saying it gets better - I am feeling a little bit more sure of my decision but I am very grumpy in generally coz of all the other shit going on.

Thank you.
I know it doesn’t seem like it now but he has done you a favour.
See this as your decision to walk away by not chasing him because you will look back and be glad that he has gone. There will be no more days wondering why he’s quiet or ignoring you and you’ll start to feel content again.
One day at a time

 

[JSK90]

My fiance broke up with me on Sunday. We have been having a hard time for a while now and I have been struggling with my mental health and he has been quite unsupportive despite me moving mountains to help him when he was down and that was right at the start of our relationship. Now we are 2.5 years in and it's too much for him to help me out. I feel lost. I feel like a failure. I feel numb. He said he will call me at the weekend and we will talk but I just don't know what to think. Is there a chance we can reconcile and try to make it work or is he just going to call me and say its definitely over. I feel even worse because we have a really expensive holiday booked on my credit card for April and if we can't reconcile I either have to think about selling the holiday, or I could go with a friend but I will be out of pocket £1200 which is his share and i would just feel misersble knowing that I should have been there with him.
I feel like my life is in such a mess ans i just dont know how to feel better. I know time heals but its so hard when things go from everything you ever wanted to so hard and difficult in a short space of time and then you're trying to cling on and make it work but i feel like i was the only one trying.
He said im the best thing that ever happened to him and i am an amazing woman but he thinks to break up is the best because im not happy. If i was so amazing he wouldn't be leaving me. He would be trying with me tk fix things.

 

[Bianca Del Rio]

@Rippedjeanmaybe is exactly right. All the leaving, coming back, I’m definitely done, now I’m not sure.. he’s keeping one foot on the boat until the other is safely on land. When he’s secured his position with the other woman, he will leave once and for all. I agree with the poster who said change the locks. He can go and stay with his new bit while you start sorting out separation proceedings. I’m really sorry this has happened to you. I remember reading the other thread you started, I knew I recognised your name from somewhere. He is a weapons grade dickhead and the sooner he’s gone from the picture the better for you and your little ones.

 

[Jojoo]

Haven't had to see him yet which helps, I don't even want to look at him, he says he has an appointment today to start getting help. He collected our daughter yesterday and brought her to school this morning, I dunno what i'm gonna say to her this evening when she is asking where he is, will prob just say he's at work, she's only 5 like how do i even begin to explain this to her

I say he’s at work still I’m waiting until he’s somehwere more permanent to say anything else, I got advice from our pre school and they said to keep it simple. Daddy’s at daddy house, this is our house now. That’s the advice they gave for my 3 year old but 5 she will be more knowing. This is where I love tattle as someone on here will have done it and have advice on it

 

[Jojoo]

I really struggle with setting boundaries, my husband is really depressed and it plays a big part in what has happened I think but def how I’m treating him. Yesterday he’s shouting at me he wants the marriage certificate so he can start the divorce. An hour and a half later he’s ringing me having a panic attack while driving so I stayed on the phone until he got back to where he’s staying. Managed to calm him down enough and be there for him. He got called out on a work emergency which which is 50mins from where he’s staying but 10mins from me so at 10pm he asks if he can stay over as he won’t finish until 1am. I go and leave a key out for him and at 1.30 hw comes and home and gets into bed, we talk about work and go to sleep. He left his charger and stuff here so I had to go and drop it off on his job today. It’s all so odd, like I know I should have said no but how do you say no to someone who hours earlier was having a panic attack? I just can’t seem to get anywhere with it. Have him the marriage certificate this morning and he cried at me… it’s so confusing

forgot to add that he was also talking about suicide again and how Are two kids are the only reason stopping him

 

[Bingbong1]

Hi guys, I'm pretty sure I want to end things with my partner. Things just seem to have come to a natural end, we don't enjoy each other's company.

He is a nice guy but just gives nothing back - I don't feel loved and I'm bored. I've expressed that I'm unhappy for the last few months and nothing has changed. I've said I've wanted to end things twice now but he doesn't take me seriously as I'm financially trapped and I can't afford to move out or live alone.

We have a toddler and I don't really earn enough to be able to get my own place so I'm not sure what to do. I work three days a week and not sure if I'd qualify for council housing. Not quite sure what to do. I would ask my friends to join one of their flatshares but they aren't exactly toddler friendly (friends all single and still in their partying stages)

Is it ever a thing where single parents buddy up to live together? I guess for now I should just stay put and start saving up :/ just needed to get that out there as I don't want to just stay for the sake of it

 

[Jojoo]

Does it make sense if I say I’m think I’m going most scared because I know it’s for good? I think deep down I want this to happen but they just seems so scary and unimaginable as I never imagined life without him

 

[judgejohndeed]

Tbh 3-5 is as good an age as you can get for these things to happen. They grow up with it being very normal for their parents living separately and in the case of a 3 year old will likely not actually remember parents living together after a little while, unlike say a 12 year old who will have more memories of living with both parents and more cognisant of what's going on. 'This is our house now' etc is perfect, if asked why then just something like 'Mum and Dad aren't happy living together anymore' is fine, not putting the blame on either parent (as difficult as that might be where cheating is involved). Try to keep routines the same in each home to avoid unsettling them, reassure if child starts asking e.g. 'does Daddy not love me anymore' that it isn't about them and ensure quality time with Dad.

 

[candyland_]

Really sad to read some of these stories but glad it's not just me in this position. My so-called boyfriend (not sure he ever saw us as bf/gf in 4 years albeit fairly on an off) has just decided to stop contacting me for around two weeks now. We don't live together and to be honest getting monosyllabic responses from him over the last month or so has been like pulling teeth. It's so hurtful and I've had so much other crap going on... please tell me it gets better?

I have deleted his number and I know that sometimes in these situations you never get closure, but it is such a horrible way to treat someone. I would never entertain the idea of staying with someone I didn't love because I'd want them to go and find happiness.

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this, it is the worst feeling in the world.

I’m going through something vaguely similar and every day gets that little bit easier.

 

[Blondeangel2515]

This is a strange on and to be honest I’ve told him I don’t want him back in that way. He’s deleted me/blocked me of everything he had me on but occasionally would unblock me on WhatsApp. He’s added my mate on Snapchat and she’s intentionally posted pics of me and sent them to him to see if he would remove her but keeps her and asks about me. If i message it’s ingnored and then i get blocked about. It’s obvious he’s still with his girlfriend. This has been the pattern the last 18 months.
anyway I’ve had the worse week of my life a shocking family bereavement similar to one that happened years ago to someone I was very close too and then I was involved in a crash and it’s really getting to me how emotional I’ve been and how out of nowhere all I want to do is message him over it for comfort I know it’s wrong and I know I should I’m literally forcing myself not to but all I want is to just talk to him after all this

 

[Florence Nightingale]

So I’m having therapy, we did couples therapy and I’ve gone back to her on my own since we split. Tonight she kept referring him to an abuser, i can see what he’s doing is abuse but I can’t seem to accept it does that make sense?! I feel so confused and don’t feel like I’ve been abused. I’m scared I’m pregnant and going to be left with 3 kids on my own, also can’t stop drinking wine in the evenings I’m doing a bottle a night. I’m a mess I can’t seem to get a grip on my life

Whatva

Nah I was doing fine till I noticed but I don’t want to give him the satisfactory that it got to me when I noticed he unblocked me

How did you know he unblocked you ?

 

[Jojoo]

I think it’s downright disgusting that he’s been messing you around, splitting up and then wanting you back and the reason why is because he wants to make sure that his new woman will have him when he leaves you. He doesn’t want to leave you without making sure he can have this other woman. What a disgusting, vile person he is. The sooner you’re rid of him the better, how you’ve not lost your temper with him is beyond me. If he was my partner he would have a shovel in his head by now.

Do you know I’ve stayed so call I’ve not shouted or anything. Even last night when I confronted them I was polite to her asked questions. Didn’t raise my voice or anything etc and then last night he had the cheek to say what I did was unfair on her and she hasn’t done anything wrong…. Ummm has she not?? She knew you were married with 2 young kids one under 1 when all this started.
Weirdly I’ve noticed in the last few days she’s blocked me on Facebook, feel like that’s odd?

 

[Catnmouse]

I started this thread last July and this is exactly my feeling too, even now 6 months later! It won't feel like it now but I promise, you get so much clarity once you're apart and it makes you realise how shit their behaviour has been once you have some distance.

Not every day is easy but I promise it gets better

Awwww Queen Amber! Thank you so much - yes I re-read your post the other day. Thank you so much for the support and encouragement.

It's not the worst I've ever felt after a breakup. Taking it very easy.

I agree. I'm six months post split too and I initially thought I'd never recover but it does get better. You just need the time, that's the only healer.xx

Thank you very much! My friends have been rallying round. Glad to hear things are getting better for you xxx

Her confidence and spark is gone.

This is how I feel about myself and I have been terrified recently of staying a shell of myself forever.

That's why I made the decision to let go.

 

[Jojoo]

One thing at a time.
Start with a pregnancy test tomorrow and speak to someone about your drinking asap.

I did a pregnancy test it was negative but I’m still 4 days late and I’m always on time

 

[Blondeangel2515]

Totally this! But I would block him while I’m unblocked, take the power back in to your hands.

I would block him but I don’t want him being aware i noticed and that it’s got to me I rather him think I haven’t noticed or bothered by it. It’s just strange the timing he’s done this when his girlfriend is meant to move in with him

 

[Bellaboonew_12]

If its a joint mortgage you can tell him to leave the family home and he can't sell it until the children are 18... Any probs making him leave get legal advice. This might mean that you become responsible for 100% of the mortgage though if he decides not to contribute, and in paying all that time you will essentially be building him a nest egg, so it's really only suitable as a short term plan until you can either buy him out or afford to make moves on your own (rented or bought).

But once you sort your single parent income things won't look so scary! Getting him out the house buys you time to do this.

Take legal advice if you're married re divorce and get evidence of his indiscretion because you might need it later.

Ring universal credit and claim as a single parent. Use the child maintenance calculator to see what he should be paying you for your child. Take what's yours out of joint bank accounts ASAP. Direct all your income/wages/child benefit to your single named bank account. Think about renting if you're low income because you will get housing benefit.

Change the locks.

Make these moves fast because once he realises you mean business and there is no going back he will be all about self preservation.

The house might seem quiet and you might hurt now but I promise it won't be for long. You'll find happiness again and you will look back on this and be so grateful he showed you his true colours

 

[Tove_drew]

Said he was "broken" and that he's in love with me and wants to be together, he just wants the added meaningless sex with others with no feelings attached. He basically wants an all you eat buffet!

I should add that he also said I'm free to have sex with other men too - but as you can probably already tell, I'm not comfortable with any of it.

He sounds deluded. Be prepared for him to come crawling back after a few months when he’s had a taste of what he thought was worth blowing up your life together for. It’s telling that he still wants the relationship you have but also just rando sex. This is screaming midlife crisis.

On the therapist front, don’t be afraid to change who you see. Apparently you should give a therapist 6 sessions to see how it shakes out.

 

[Thelakes]

I no longer wish to be in a relationship with my adhd inattentive partner. We are just under 2 years into our fixed 5 year mortgage and I have agreed he can keep the house and release my equity to me when he remortgages in his name as he would be unable to afford it in his name currently.

I've done this so my cats can remain in the house. I'm devastated about this but my cats will be happy and safe. I can also work from home now and then so they don't forget about me, has anyone got advice on how to cope with leaving my cats I'm really struggling and crying all the time when I'm on my own.

I have heard of the phrase bird nesting where people with children rotate living in the house, would this be an option??