Breakup advice

[judgejohndeed]

This just spoke to me so much. I have to walk on eggshells around my husband and the kids as they set him off it’s agony for me. I dread family time.
I’ve looked after everything and even now I’m trying to find solutions to get him out the house fast it’s just being thrown back in my face. Today for the first time I stood up for myself and said that I couldn’t live in this house with me if we weren’t together and he needed to move out. He just walked out the room.
Last night he flew off the handle and shouted and threw things I was so scared.

If he’s shouting and throwing things you can get an occupation order for the house. Please get legal advice before this gets worse.

 

[Catnmouse]

Really sad to read some of these stories but glad it's not just me in this position. My so-called boyfriend (not sure he ever saw us as bf/gf in 4 years albeit fairly on an off) has just decided to stop contacting me for around two weeks now. We don't live together and to be honest getting monosyllabic responses from him over the last month or so has been like pulling teeth. It's so hurtful and I've had so much other crap going on... please tell me it gets better?

I have deleted his number and I know that sometimes in these situations you never get closure, but it is such a horrible way to treat someone. I would never entertain the idea of staying with someone I didn't love because I'd want them to go and find happiness.

Stupidly, I took him back after this.

But once again, I'm now done- and for good this time. I feel mostly relief but also very sad even though I know it's the right decision.

I've gone through so much difficulty in the last few months and he's been on the periphery rather than supporting me.

I feel like I've been having a relationship with myself. I've got a lot going on at the moment and the last straw was me texting him and him taking about a week to reply, only to be like 'yeah yeah I'm here'.

No, you do not get to do that to me

 

[queenamber]

What if I never stop loving him? I’m going to have to watch him move on, who’s going to want me and two kids

You may love him forever but I imagine the respect has gone if he's walked out on you and your children? There's no going back from that IMO.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Thank you, sorry I didn’t reply I didn’t know what to say because I agreed with everything. That’s what’s so silly and I can’t understand because I 100% get and agree that but when he’s in front of me crying it disappears.

had a bad evening with him last night, he came to see the kids but was so upset. Within half an hour he was in bed having another panic attack. He kept texting me last night about different things later in the evening but I didn’t reply. I haven’t heard from him yet today and he normally rings the kids no later than 7.30am on weekdays. I can’t help but be worried.


He’s cut all his family out I’m the only one he will talk too, he will respond to a text from my parents if they text but it’s only one word answers so I feel it’s just me.
Your right they should, they are grown adults!!! How’s it going?

Maybe I’m harsh, but if he was in front of me crying, id laugh and call him pathetic. I’d tell him he’s a grown adult and he’s made his mess so he can deal with it himself. I wouldn’t have an ounce of sympathy for him after the way he’s been. I’d tell him I’m not his mum and he’s not a baby and that he needs to stop putting his issues on you!

 

[AnnRKey]

My husband of 7 years no longer wants to be monogamous.

My husband of 7 years wants a divorce

There, fixed it for you.

Get a lawyer and get him out of your life. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to reclaim your life and move on. It will hurt for a while but in a few months' time you will be living your best life without that utter prick.

What if I never stop loving him? I’m going to have to watch him move on, who’s going to want me and two kids

You need to value yourself much more than that love.

Focus on you and your kids. You never know what lies ahead of you (or who lies under you lol) in the future.

You don't need to watch him move on. Look in the other direction. Take this as an opportunity for you and the kids to do life the way you want. You will probably find out in the future that what you thought was love was absolutely not. You can do this!

 

[judgejohndeed]

I don’t work I’m a full time mum so I find it all a bit awkward fhe money side of it all. I will look for a job after the holidays when my eldest is doing more days at pre school. Hes gone out but back later. Going to try and push more tomorrow. It’s so weird

I would strongly recommend you get legal advice from a family solicitor. If you don't work you need to know your legal rights in case he starts demanding you leave the home and cuts you off financially. And if that doesn't happen then no harm done, but you would be surprised how quickly men turn especially when there's a SAHM sadly. How does your money set up work, is it shared accounts or does he give money to you? Be mindful with shared accounts he can usually close them without asking your permission so if you can start siphoning a bit off that would be sensible

 

[judgejohndeed]

I’ve been scared to do this because then he can say I ended it and it’s all my fault. It’s like he’s pushing me to do it, in one of our couple therapy sessions the therapist actually called him out on it and asked if that’s what he’s trying to do

But it's not your fault! He cheated on you and has lied to you repeatedly and messed you about. You SHOULD be the one to end it, the way he's treated you is unacceptable. Like someone else said, he's keeping you open as an option - only you can stop him from doing that by ending it. He's pushing you to do it because he's clearly too much of a coward to actually leave in case it doesn't work out with this other woman but do you really want him coming back to you as second best choice? You deserve so much better, nobody deserves to be treated like this and nobody should be with someone who is only there because their first choice didn't want them!

 

[Pineapple55]

Oh love, so sorry he's such an idiot.

I hate that he's made you question yourself - it's not that you're not good enough, it's that he needs the attention of multiple people to feed his ego. He's the one with issues, not you.

The fact that you don't have children to consider means you can now be totally selfish and put yourself first all the time (though I don't actually think that's selfish). Focus on building yourself up and making yourself the happiest you've ever been. Take each day as it comes and just do what makes you happy in the moment. Could be a quiet night under a blanket with a good book, or a night out with friends, a long bath, a good workout, anything at all.

Try not to rush into dating or meeting anyone new. You really will move on in time and you'll be glad you walked away and didn't stay with him while he slept around. Most likely, you'll come out of this stronger and more confident and he'll end up lonely and regretting throwing his marriage away. You'll be in the best place to meet somebody when the time is right.

Time really will help too - you'll wake up one day and realised you've turned a corner and you feel a little better. That'll keep happening until you realise you don't give him a second thought anymore.

You've got this you've already done the hardest bit too.

 

[Very traditional]

Just ignore him then, like it's nothing to you. And don't ask anyone about him. You're just hurting yourself.

Totally this! But I would block him while I’m unblocked, take the power back in to your hands.

 

[lastdis]

Just looking for an anonymous and judgement-free zone for venting.

My husband of 7 years no longer wants to be monogamous. He still loves me, wants to remain married to me, but also wants sex with other women with no feelings attached, and no consequences. I've decided to separate from him and will most likely divorce him since we want fundamentally different things from this marriage. I love him but I can't spend the rest of my life wondering what he's up to and being walked all over.

We don't have kids together so luckily that's one less problem to sort out. Even though I know I'm doing the right thing and standing by my morals I still feel miserable and heartbroken. My inner critic is telling me that he only wants sex with other women because I'm not good enough. I am seeing a therapist but I don't find her that helpful. I basically just sit and cry and she just nods her head

Curious if anyone else has gone through this or has any advice for a long-ish term breakup. He was my first proper love and I feel so scared about a future without him, even though I absolutely know it's for the best. Given the nature of the breakup I also feel like I can't open up to friends and family about this which makes me feel even more alone and isolated.

Will I ever feel happy again?

You will be happier . You will find love and respect. All he’s done here is basically I’m gonna fuck around look for someone else and then end it, he wants you as a safety net.
you are more than that, you are strong and beautiful

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Your totally right I think just scared of the unknown it’s making me panic

I think unfortunately, even if you want to stay with him, if this other woman wants him then he will be off. If not her, then another woman. Don’t give him the satisfaction of having all the power. You are stronger than you think and you will get through this.

 

[Florence Nightingale]

Thank you. It's so reassuring to hear from people who have gone through painful breakups. I'm even at the stage where I'm looking at celebrities who have divorced and thinking "If they can get through a divorce then so can I"

As hard as it is and as awful as I'm feeling, I keep telling myself it would be so much worse if I let this go on for another 10, 15, 20 years. He hasn't cheated, and who knows if he'd even act on it (he seems to just want it out there in the open as a possibility), but you can't live life like that always wondering if/when it's going to happen.

My husband left me out of the blue after 31 yrs of marriage and it was truly devastating. We had 3 kids together and I didn’t think I’d ever get over it. However, three yrs on now I remain single (my choice) and I’m getting there but I don’t think I’ll ever have a relationship because I’ll never trust a man again

 

[candyland_]

So I’m having therapy, we did couples therapy and I’ve gone back to her on my own since we split. Tonight she kept referring him to an abuser, i can see what he’s doing is abuse but I can’t seem to accept it does that make sense?! I feel so confused and don’t feel like I’ve been abused. I’m scared I’m pregnant and going to be left with 3 kids on my own, also can’t stop drinking wine in the evenings I’m doing a bottle a night. I’m a mess I can’t seem to get a grip on my life

One thing at a time.
Start with a pregnancy test tomorrow and speak to someone about your drinking asap.

 

[Catnmouse]

Really sad to read some of these stories but glad it's not just me in this position. My so-called boyfriend (not sure he ever saw us as bf/gf in 4 years albeit fairly on an off) has just decided to stop contacting me for around two weeks now. We don't live together and to be honest getting monosyllabic responses from him over the last month or so has been like pulling teeth. It's so hurtful and I've had so much other crap going on... please tell me it gets better?

I have deleted his number and I know that sometimes in these situations you never get closure, but it is such a horrible way to treat someone. I would never entertain the idea of staying with someone I didn't love because I'd want them to go and find happiness.

 

[Tove_drew]

You poor thing. This is a huge shock.
First things first - take screengrabs, save pics etc etc. Get the evidence. Save it somewhere safe.
Do not let on to his mate that you know what’s going on.
Contact a lawyer, get the ball rolling. Figure out where you are legally and financially. That he thinks you are unaware is currently your advantage.
You and your child deserve a million times better

This is all great advice. Your husbands mate will only lie for him or fish to see what you already know. Even if the friend mentions it, the OP should say she doesn’t want to discuss it. I hope OP you have some friends or family to lean on x

 

[queenamber]

I feel mostly relief but also very sad even though I know it's the right decision.

I started this thread last July and this is exactly my feeling too, even now 6 months later! It won't feel like it now but I promise, you get so much clarity once you're apart and it makes you realise how shit their behaviour has been once you have some distance.

Not every day is easy but I promise it gets better

 

[D2them]

I started this thread last July and this is exactly my feeling too, even now 6 months later! It won't feel like it now but I promise, you get so much clarity once you're apart and it makes you realise how shit their behaviour has been once you have some distance.

Not every day is easy but I promise it gets better

I agree. I'm six months post split too and I initially thought I'd never recover but it does get better. You just need the time, that's the only healer.xx

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I don’t know her just personally just her name and what she looked like so wasn’t hard to find her. Last night was the first time I actually met her, I said he can live with you now and she said no way and he said he can’t go there. I’m 30 I’ve been with him 11 years and she insulated I was a whore?! It’s only ever been him she’s the one who he’s dating a married man.
he’s said repeatedly I’m not attractive etc but do you know what, she’s not all that! I know I’m always going to say that but honestly it’s a steak at home kind of phrase.


I know this is so true but it’s so difficult still?! I just can’t see myself being happy again I just feel done

I don’t know how you could see yourself being happy with him again either though? He’s treated you like dirt on his shoe. Using you to make sure he doesn’t end up single and alone. You’re literally his back up option, it’s awful. He sounds like a nasty person and I think it would do your self confidence a world of good to be rid of him.

 

[Romy]

You should tell the reason of the breakup to your very close ones. It's his choice after all to "change the rules" over the course of your marriage, not a common choice. And you need support from your loved ones.

The breakup is particularly painful because totally unexpected and you're so disappointed... it will get better eventually and there is nothing wrong with you. You're also stronger than you think as you managed to take an important decision and stick to it. How did he react btw when you said you preferred to divorce?

 

[Tove_drew]

It is really manipulative what he’s doing. He’s making a choice to lay this on you. Saying he has no one else to lean on - well buddy you destroyed the relationship so this isn’t someone you CAN lean on. It’s awful hard though because I think your feelings of love towards him outweigh your anger. @Jojoo do you have a therapist you can speak to? I think you really need someone equipped in your life to help you manage next steps

edit: I looked at your older posts and see your Couple therapist is now your therapist. I know it’s horrible but I think she’s right about him being your abuser.