Breakup advice

[Jojoo]

So I’m having therapy, we did couples therapy and I’ve gone back to her on my own since we split. Tonight she kept referring him to an abuser, i can see what he’s doing is abuse but I can’t seem to accept it does that make sense?! I feel so confused and don’t feel like I’ve been abused. I’m scared I’m pregnant and going to be left with 3 kids on my own, also can’t stop drinking wine in the evenings I’m doing a bottle a night. I’m a mess I can’t seem to get a grip on my life

 

[Jojoo]

Feel in a such a spin with everything this morning, the thought of never doing things with him again is just terrifying. I know it’s silly and Petty things but I can’t help but be upset by it all. I’m not a bad person, I do everything for everyone but it wasn’t enough. The rejection is unreal

 

[PineappleQueen19]

I’ve been scared to do this because then he can say I ended it and it’s all my fault. It’s like he’s pushing me to do it, in one of our couple therapy sessions the therapist actually called him out on it and asked if that’s what he’s trying to do

Dont worry what he says. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are appalling.
You got this

 

[Jojoo]

I think it would make you feel better if you took the control of this situation away from him, that makes it ‘known’ because you are driving it. Tell yourself you are not a person who will put up with being lied to and disrespected in this way. Change the locks so he can’t get back in. Tell him you’re filing for a divorce on your terms. Don’t leave yourself hanging waiting to find out whether he’s going to leave you for her or not - make the choice for him by putting your foot down and everything from that point onwards is on your terms

I’ve been scared to do this because then he can say I ended it and it’s all my fault. It’s like he’s pushing me to do it, in one of our couple therapy sessions the therapist actually called him out on it and asked if that’s what he’s trying to do

 

[judgejohndeed]

I’m sorry to keep posting on here I’m just at such a loss. When this all first happened months ago I found out there was another woman. He said it was done and I believed him. (Idiot I know) well last night I caught them together. Appariently they’ve been going on 1/2dates a week for months.
I’ve told him this morning he has to be gone out the house tonight and he just said where am I going togo. Surely he needs to just deal with the consequences now? He says he wants to try and see where it goes with her, I was heartbroken before but this just feels so much worse I don’t know what to do.
i went to the solicitors yesterday and someone called me back but it’s going to be £250 for an hour consultation to start with, I can’t afford that. I feel so trapped and lost

I thought I recognised your username with something like this call around, there are lots of firms that offer a free consultation. If I were you I'd change the locks and let him pay to take you to court to get back in while you sort out some legal advice, then you can apply for the occupation order while you're there.

 

[Jennynotfromtheblock]

Thank you, sorry I didn’t reply I didn’t know what to say because I agreed with everything. That’s what’s so silly and I can’t understand because I 100% get and agree that but when he’s in front of me crying it disappears.

had a bad evening with him last night, he came to see the kids but was so upset. Within half an hour he was in bed having another panic attack. He kept texting me last night about different things later in the evening but I didn’t reply. I haven’t heard from him yet today and he normally rings the kids no later than 7.30am on weekdays. I can’t help but be worried.


He’s cut all his family out I’m the only one he will talk too, he will respond to a text from my parents if they text but it’s only one word answers so I feel it’s just me.
Your right they should, they are grown adults!!! How’s it going?

Haven't had to see him yet which helps, I don't even want to look at him, he says he has an appointment today to start getting help. He collected our daughter yesterday and brought her to school this morning, I dunno what i'm gonna say to her this evening when she is asking where he is, will prob just say he's at work, she's only 5 like how do i even begin to explain this to her

 

[JSK90]

Ah so he's doing you a favour by braking up with you? ... To make you happy? . Honestly what a coward.



You know what they say.. of you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best.



You need someone you can depend on, who will catch you when you fall. Sounds like you have done all the heavy lifting and keep having to do it when it's his turn.



Can you not get a refund on the holiday?



I hope you feel better X

I know. It is just really sad for me right now. I thought I'd found my forever.

I have checked and it looks like I possibly can cancel the holiday if needed and just lose a percentage of what was paid so that is better than the other options I was thinking. I hope we can somehow figure things out though and go and have an amazing time together on holiday. I'm trying not to get my hopes up because it will only hurt me more in the end if I do and it doesn't pan out how I want.

Thanks for your kind words. Hopefully I will feel better soon one way or another.

 

[Catnmouse]

We spoke a bit today after the dust had settled. I wanted to end things on positive terms as I really did (do) love him and felt it was important to acknowledge that. I've realised from previous breakups that carrying around anger is really unhelpful and really corrosive. One of my friends has been great at creating space for me to just vent and air my thoughts but a couple of others were like "Noooo he's done you dirrrtttyyyy"... and I'm like - that's just not true. He may not have done the 'right' thing but I have to accept that I may not have done either by not taking him at his word because he did say that it could never be more than it was (I just felt his actions said different.)

I'm trying to go with my gut now at all times and it felt so wrong not to end it by reiterating how much we did mean to each other so I am glad we both took that mature approach.

It's about accepting that we were both responsible and we have both acknowledged our part - him in that he could have seen things more from my point of view and I his. The lesson is definitely to communicate better in future and to really listen to what the other person says they want/desire. I feel totally broken and exhausted and ill and sad. I know it takes time but I just wish I didn't feel like this.

 

[Jojoo]

Honestly I know it sounds harsh, but please try to not let him manipulate you like this, because that’s what it is, manipulation. He sounds like a huge man baby who needs to grow the hell up.

the thing is, he has treated you like dirt. He stuck with you because he wasn’t sure if another woman would take him. He is totally vile and he deserves 0 sympathy or help from you. Having anxiety/depression does not make you behave like the total arsehole he has and it is not an excuse!

he treated you like a door mat, something to wipe his shoes on on the way out. Please just don’t fall into his trap. I get that it must be hard for you, but please try to stop caring for his feelings, he doesn’t care about yours one bit.

you need to just ignore him and focus on yourself and your kids.

Thank you, sorry I didn’t reply I didn’t know what to say because I agreed with everything. That’s what’s so silly and I can’t understand because I 100% get and agree that but when he’s in front of me crying it disappears.

had a bad evening with him last night, he came to see the kids but was so upset. Within half an hour he was in bed having another panic attack. He kept texting me last night about different things later in the evening but I didn’t reply. I haven’t heard from him yet today and he normally rings the kids no later than 7.30am on weekdays. I can’t help but be worried.

that's incredibly tough, does he has parents or siblings or anyone else you could tell who could help carry the burden? My husband is the same, goes through periods but really relies on me making him feel good about himself to be able to function, this is what is was all about, he was looking for that elsewhere and maybe I'm wrong but a person's mental health being shouldn't be based on how another person feels about them, they should be able to regulate their own feelings themselves no?

He’s cut all his family out I’m the only one he will talk too, he will respond to a text from my parents if they text but it’s only one word answers so I feel it’s just me.
Your right they should, they are grown adults!!! How’s it going?

 

[Jojoo]

Keep stop sleeping with the fucker, I get angry and he knows and it’s like okay win her back enough, why do I do it?! How do I stop? I feel so ashamed at myself but I can’t help but love him.

 

[Mamacita]

I no longer wish to be in a relationship with my adhd inattentive partner. We are just under 2 years into our fixed 5 year mortgage and I have agreed he can keep the house and release my equity to me when he remortgages in his name as he would be unable to afford it in his name currently.

I've done this so my cats can remain in the house. I'm devastated about this but my cats will be happy and safe. I can also work from home now and then so they don't forget about me, has anyone got advice on how to cope with leaving my cats I'm really struggling and crying all the time when I'm on my own.

I have heard of the phrase bird nesting where people with children rotate living in the house, would this be an option??

Are you going to move somewhere where you definitely can't have them with you?

 

[Blondeangel2515]

So I was speaking to a guy for five years long story short 2 years of that five years he was dating/ had a girlfriend and was still sexting me I found the girlfriend and told her everything.
He blocked me on everything and they stayed together. Last September he unblocked me 5 months after I snitched on him. I waited a couple of days thought this was weird and then messaged him so he knew I noticed what he done he instantly blocked me after.
Yesterday he unblocked me again but hasn’t messaged me. My friends done some fbi work and noticed they’re still together but she’s moving in with him this month (they’re long distance)
So I’m quite confused why’s he unblocked me again. Like I don’t want to block him because then he’ll know that I noticed he’s unblocked me but I can’t see it being the girlfriend that’s done it because I know his routine (been the same for years)

 

[Jojoo]

thanks so much, he told me that same friend thats coming this evening shagged a girl at that stag, he is also married so no point saying anything to him
I just can't believe he's done this, I don't even know where to start
He's coming out with the usual bullshit now, he's sorry he's just insecure, I am disgusted by him, I'm sure if I could see the full contents of the phone there would only be worse things, there's screenshots of hotel bookings there that I've never even heard of
I sound strong now because i havent had to tell anyone yet, when I even think about telling my family, my eyes tear up
It's just so sad, I never thought he would cheat on me, can't actually believe this is happening
Anyone gotten legal advice on this before? I'm sure he has a right to stay in the family home if he wants no?

I got legal advice but I didn’t need to ask this sorry as he had already left. He has to support me and the kids etc but because I’m still young I need to show willing to pay the bills as the kids get older etc. in a nutshell anyway.

just tell one person andthey can always tell more my immediate friends and family know but no one else does, he actually changed all his profile pictures to him and the new woman so he kind of told everyone for me.

ido therapy once a week to help me get over it, Its useful but to help me cope with things but I’m a dickhead and we keep ending up in bed together, no idea why i can’t explain it because I hate him but it happens.

when he comes back try not to see him, the longer the better I think