Breakup advice

[Tommyb]

@Tommyb - thank you for your kind words and for empathising, and I am so sorry that you went through that with your ex. Your words about arranging appointments, etc, sorting everything chimes very loudly. It could have been me writing that. You must have felt very taken for granted. I am sorry about that as you are clearly kind-natured and nurturing, and didn’t ever deserve that type of response from him.

And I’m comforted that you’ve found a good guy now. Your words have helped and I feel very glad I posted. Was a bit scared to at first so thank you so, so much. Your experience and your empathy and knowing you’re in a better place gives me faith. I’m just in absolute bits - and he has moved on too. Very quickly. Whereas I just find myself starting to cry all of a sudden, no warning, and once I start ruminating, I can’t stop. I feel like I’m flailing and desperately trying to grab onto a lifeboat but there aren’t any there & I don’t know how the heck to stop this feeling. Perhaps it is just time and living through the pain, but the pain physically, physically hurts me. It stings. And I’m not speaking figuratively. I woke up after it first happened (I had to move back into my mum’s, as it was his house and his name on everything) with a tight feeling in my chest and my body feeling pain and I know it is connected to him and this. It just hurts as I know he has been seeing other people (we used to share an email account for bills etc and I never really went into it but he had signed up to Tinder using that address and other dating websites too) whereas I’m so, so far from ever feeling like I’ll ever be able to even consider another person in my life. I can’t get my head around how quickly he has moved on - whereas it’s been 2 months and I am slightly better than I was in the first few weeks but not really by that much.

I have been keeping myself active, going out running, going to the gym, I have a good job and lots of friends, and I have been making sure I eat well, make an effort to try to fix my hair, make up etc nice each day just to feel good etc but inside I am absolutely crumbling and inside is absolutely not what I project to others - I’m telling myself fake it till you make it and all that and maybe I can fool my inside to believing all is well if I just keep going - then hopefully one day I will suddenly be ok ! Blind naivety or wishful thinking, on my part, or maybe just sheer stupidity, I guess. You’d never know unless you knew me how I feel (unless you were in Tesco yesterday, lol) but I am really struggling…. What helped you ? Was it just time ?

thank you again, @Tommyb , for being so kind x

@PineappleQueen19 - thank you for your lovely words and for being so nice. You’ve got no idea how much that really matters to me and helps me. Thank you x

What a nice post and you are so welcome. I really felt like he had taken everything from me...even myself. I didn't know who I was without him but I have got to say I loved finding out.

What helped me was reminding myself of bad times which in the later years outweighed the good times and what things I wanted in someone. For instance I wanted someone who could take care of themselves. Funny moment with new boyfriend about 3 months in.. he was looking up something for work and I automatically started to right down the information for him and he was like " oh don't worry about that il do it.. you go have your shower". You could have knocked me down with a feather . Something so simple but I just went into autopilot. My ex was terrible with money but I had lots of savings. New boyfriend had been saving too which means last year we bought a house together.

There's not one main thing that helped me but time does heal. There's certain things I would remind myself of like bad memories, feelings of anxiety and sickness on how he would react, exhaustion at trying to keep the peace, putting on weight as a result of sadness and just not prioritising myself, never having the future I wanted with him as he couldn't save etc. I had to remind myself who I thought he was wasnt who he is and I liked the idea of him not actually who he was. I started doing things for myself like you have but honestly seeing what was out there and going on fun dates did help me. But take your time when you are ready.

It also helped that he had cheated as I was mainly angry for a long time. The way he reacted all through the breakup was also like a lightbulb moment at what a loser he was.
I can promise you one day you will look back on this and realise how far you have come.

Also never ever leave your name of the house if you move in. It's got to be 50/50. Now you know how important it is to protect yourself .

 

[Catnmouse]

Thank you.
I know it doesn’t seem like it now but he has done you a favour.
See this as your decision to walk away by not chasing him because you will look back and be glad that he has gone. There will be no more days wondering why he’s quiet or ignoring you and you’ll start to feel content again.
One day at a time

Absolutely right - there is a palpable sense of relief in many ways

 

[Catnmouse]

Struggling a bit today. Feel sad that this is really the end. I haven't actually spoken to him about it...one of my friends is of the view that I needn't bother and that just as he ignores me and treats me as an inconvenience, I should and can do the same. I can't bear to have a conversation where I tell him how hurt I am and how he doesn't care only to have him basically agree with that and reinforce that he really doesn't want me at all.

I genuinely don't understand how some people can carry on a relationship they're not into - especially when the other person is so obviously in love with them. I have only dumped a couple of people in my life and while it was awful and traumatic, I did it as soon as I started having doubts as I couldn't have lived with myself to carry it on just for sex or whatever.

I feel numb and exhausted.

 

[Jojoo]

So he's broken up with you via text and then still expects to come back to the family home? I don't think so! If he's the one who's ended it then he needs to either find accommodation or get you and the kids taken care of rather than living in an awkward and confusing atmosphere. You need to establish some boundaries and get a plan in place. In my case, we've listed our house for sale and my husband is moving out next week. Again, this is something that has been in the works for months, so take it from me, the time to act is now.

I don’t work I’m a full time mum so I find it all a bit awkward fhe money side of it all. I will look for a job after the holidays when my eldest is doing more days at pre school. Hes gone out but back later. Going to try and push more tomorrow. It’s so weird

 

[Jojoo]

Please don’t take him back again. I know you probably think it’s better for the kids, but honestly it’s not. Your children need to see their mother being treated with respect and not like a door mat.

I know they’re too little to understand now, but they’ll grow up thinking it’s normal for dad to treat you like dirt. Even if you hide it from them, they’ll know. Plus you’ll be unhappy and you need to put your happiness first. If you’re happy then they’ll be happy. Far easier to break away now while they’re little and will have less memories.

I know it must be hard to face raising the kids alone, but this man will never respect you or love you in the way you deserve and I doubt he will ever change. He sounds like a selfish pig.

please seek proper advice and break away from him, you won’t regret it in the long run.

What if I never stop loving him? I’m going to have to watch him move on, who’s going to want me and two kids

 

[Tommyb]

This just spoke to me so much. I have to walk on eggshells around my husband and the kids as they set him off it’s agony for me. I dread family time.
I’ve looked after everything and even now I’m trying to find solutions to get him out the house fast it’s just being thrown back in my face. Today for the first time I stood up for myself and said that I couldn’t live in this house with me if we weren’t together and he needed to move out. He just walked out the room.
Last night he flew off the handle and shouted and threw things I was so scared.

Omg that is so scary for you. What is your situation? Mortgage etc?. Have you gotten any legal advice?

Must be terrifying for you and your children. Xx

 

[Jojoo]

If he’s shouting and throwing things you can get an occupation order for the house. Please get legal advice before this gets worse.

I’m going to ring someone today and try and sort it. It’s difficult because he’s shouting he just wants to end it all so I don’t want to push too much but this isn’t healthy being in the house together and I shouldn’t be scared in my home.

Omg that is so scary for you. What is your situation? Mortgage etc?. Have you gotten any legal advice?

Must be terrifying for you and your children. Xx

Not yet ringing someone today. Joint mortgage, he pays everything in a stay at home mum but I put a lot of money into the house and renovations before we had kids so it’s levelled out. He’s very fair with money and won’t do us out of anything but I know I need to be protected too and can’t rely on thats
Just feel in a such a mess and trapped here

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

So sad reading this thread, I genuinely wouldn’t wish heartbreak on anyone ever Exactly 5 months ago today, my fiancé of over 7 years, whom I have 2 children with, just didn’t come home one night. The last year of our relationship had got pretty shit (looking back now I see it but didn’t see it all at the time) if he wasn’t at work he was in the pub and whenever he was at home he was asleep. Id question his behaviour and he’d say he was stressed with work and needed the pub to unwind.. So the night in question I genuinely thought he was having some kind of work related stressful break down and my anxious brain had convinced myself he was suicidal. By the morning I had the police in my house and his family and more police out looking for him. He eventually made contact with his mum and came home - he couldn’t look me in the eyes and I just knew He’d cheated on me it took him another 24 hours to admit it, those 24 hours are a complete brain fuzz of just the 2 of us crying, talking, and me trying to get the truth, all the while still being worried about his mental well being. The week that followed is just an absolute blur, if it wasn’t for my 2 small children I don’t think I’d have been able to function. From crying to other mums at the school gate to lying on my kitchen floor just sobbing I really thought my life was over. The home we were in was his due to his job he had (we were living where his work was) and it only took him 4 days before he once again didn’t return home because he was with her. I then made him pack his bags and leave until I’d sorted me and the kids a new home (which took 2 months) it’s been a whirlwind, and some huge life changes. A quote I lived by is “your life can still be beautiful even if it was different to the one you were expecting” and it’s very true. My children are happy and they have been my absolute priority throughout all this, I’ve got up and been strong every single day for them I’ve had crap days (like when I moved out, he moved the new girl in a couple of days after). And even now he texts/calls when drunk (I’m slowly learning to ignore) I’d say I’m pretty much over him but I’m not sure I’ll ever be over the situation or over the hurt that he caused. Felt good to get this off my chest though

I’m so sorry this happened . I’ve seen this a few times recently, it’s awful. A friend of a friend last month was frantically searching for her fiancé who hadn’t come home… I just knew it wouldn’t end well and sure enough, he had cheated… they had a wedding planned as well .
He’s now with this other woman and people have actually congratulated them on Facebook when they made it Facebook official… awful.

You sound like a strong person

 

[sparklebangle]

@Tommyb - thank you for your kind words and for empathising, and I am so sorry that you went through that with your ex. Your words about arranging appointments, etc, sorting everything chimes very loudly. It could have been me writing that. You must have felt very taken for granted. I am sorry about that as you are clearly kind-natured and nurturing, and didn’t ever deserve that type of response from him.

And I’m comforted that you’ve found a good guy now. Your words have helped and I feel very glad I posted. Was a bit scared to at first so thank you so, so much. Your experience and your empathy and knowing you’re in a better place gives me faith. I’m just in absolute bits - and he has moved on too. Very quickly. Whereas I just find myself starting to cry all of a sudden, no warning, and once I start ruminating, I can’t stop. I feel like I’m flailing and desperately trying to grab onto a lifeboat but there aren’t any there & I don’t know how the heck to stop this feeling. Perhaps it is just time and living through the pain, but the pain physically, physically hurts me. It stings. And I’m not speaking figuratively. I woke up after it first happened (I had to move back into my mum’s, as it was his house and his name on everything) with a tight feeling in my chest and my body feeling pain and I know it is connected to him and this. It just hurts as I know he has been seeing other people (we used to share an email account for bills etc and I never really went into it but he had signed up to Tinder using that address and other dating websites too) whereas I’m so, so far from ever feeling like I’ll ever be able to even consider another person in my life. I can’t get my head around how quickly he has moved on - whereas it’s been 2 months and I am slightly better than I was in the first few weeks but not really by that much.

I have been keeping myself active, going out running, going to the gym, I have a good job and lots of friends, and I have been making sure I eat well, make an effort to try to fix my hair, make up etc nice each day just to feel good etc but inside I am absolutely crumbling and inside is absolutely not what I project to others - I’m telling myself fake it till you make it and all that and maybe I can fool my inside to believing all is well if I just keep going - then hopefully one day I will suddenly be ok ! Blind naivety or wishful thinking, on my part, or maybe just sheer stupidity, I guess. You’d never know unless you knew me how I feel (unless you were in Tesco yesterday, lol) but I am really struggling…. What helped you ? Was it just time ?

thank you again, @Tommyb , for being so kind x

@PineappleQueen19 - thank you for your lovely words and for being so nice. You’ve got no idea how much that really matters to me and helps me. Thank you x

 

[Jennynotfromtheblock]

I really struggle with setting boundaries, my husband is really depressed and it plays a big part in what has happened I think but def how I’m treating him. Yesterday he’s shouting at me he wants the marriage certificate so he can start the divorce. An hour and a half later he’s ringing me having a panic attack while driving so I stayed on the phone until he got back to where he’s staying. Managed to calm him down enough and be there for him. He got called out on a work emergency which which is 50mins from where he’s staying but 10mins from me so at 10pm he asks if he can stay over as he won’t finish until 1am. I go and leave a key out for him and at 1.30 hw comes and home and gets into bed, we talk about work and go to sleep. He left his charger and stuff here so I had to go and drop it off on his job today. It’s all so odd, like I know I should have said no but how do you say no to someone who hours earlier was having a panic attack? I just can’t seem to get anywhere with it. Have him the marriage certificate this morning and he cried at me… it’s so confusing

forgot to add that he was also talking about suicide again and how Are two kids are the only reason stopping him

that's incredibly tough, does he has parents or siblings or anyone else you could tell who could help carry the burden? My husband is the same, goes through periods but really relies on me making him feel good about himself to be able to function, this is what is was all about, he was looking for that elsewhere and maybe I'm wrong but a person's mental health being shouldn't be based on how another person feels about them, they should be able to regulate their own feelings themselves no?

 

[Jennynotfromtheblock]

I got legal advice but I didn’t need to ask this sorry as he had already left. He has to support me and the kids etc but because I’m still young I need to show willing to pay the bills as the kids get older etc. in a nutshell anyway.

just tell one person andthey can always tell more my immediate friends and family know but no one else does, he actually changed all his profile pictures to him and the new woman so he kind of told everyone for me.

ido therapy once a week to help me get over it, Its useful but to help me cope with things but I’m a dickhead and we keep ending up in bed together, no idea why i can’t explain it because I hate him but it happens.

when he comes back try not to see him, the longer the better I think

thanks I don't want to see him at all, I'm just so sad for no more family days out, holidays, feel so sad for my daughter and myself to just have to live by ourselves, the place just seems so quiet.

 

[Jojoo]

So it happened this morning via text.. 11 years together, 4 married and 2 small kiddies that’s how he ended it. He’s come home, I’ve asked what his plans are and he says he hasn’t got any. He’s not found anywhere else to go and is just here… It’s confusing

 

[Jojoo]

I don’t know how you could see yourself being happy with him again either though? He’s treated you like dirt on his shoe. Using you to make sure he doesn’t end up single and alone. You’re literally his back up option, it’s awful. He sounds like a nasty person and I think it would do your self confidence a world of good to be rid of him.

Your totally right I think just scared of the unknown it’s making me panic

 

[Valentina]

Hi guys, I'm pretty sure I want to end things with my partner. Things just seem to have come to a natural end, we don't enjoy each other's company.

He is a nice guy but just gives nothing back - I don't feel loved and I'm bored. I've expressed that I'm unhappy for the last few months and nothing has changed. I've said I've wanted to end things twice now but he doesn't take me seriously as I'm financially trapped and I can't afford to move out or live alone.

We have a toddler and I don't really earn enough to be able to get my own place so I'm not sure what to do. I work three days a week and not sure if I'd qualify for council housing. Not quite sure what to do. I would ask my friends to join one of their flatshares but they aren't exactly toddler friendly (friends all single and still in their partying stages)

Is it ever a thing where single parents buddy up to live together? I guess for now I should just stay put and start saving up :/ just needed to get that out there as I don't want to just stay for the sake of it

The Gingerbread website has a section on housing, maybe you could find some useful information there. I understand your thoughts that it might be best to stay put. It's really daunting when you have young children to consider. I hope things work out for you.

 

[Catnmouse]

Just had a final text exchange with him... he said (after nearly 5 years) that he never wanted to pursue anything serious and that while he 'cares about me immensely', it's the end. I put my cards on the table being willing to walk away so I guess this is it now.

 

[Blondeangel2515]

I don't think it matters why he's unblocked you, he sounds like bad news. Block, delete, move on. Don't waste any more energy on this one, there's better out there for you.xx

Nah I was doing fine till I noticed but I don’t want to give him the satisfactory that it got to me when I noticed he unblocked me

 

[Romy]

Do you know I’ve stayed so call I’ve not shouted or anything. Even last night when I confronted them I was polite to her asked questions. Didn’t raise my voice or anything etc and then last night he had the cheek to say what I did was unfair on her and she hasn’t done anything wrong…. Ummm has she not?? She knew you were married with 2 young kids one under 1 when all this started.
Weirdly I’ve noticed in the last few days she’s blocked me on Facebook, feel like that’s odd?

So you know her ?! Is she single at least? He can go and live with her meanwhile. They both did wrong and they need to assume. It's not on you.

I am not British. Here we have local "justice houses" that help and give free advice. Also "social assistants" who explains your rights and if you can pretend to some allowance, and so on.
Maybe an association (for solo mums?) could help you?

 

[Romy]

Keep stop sleeping with the fucker, I get angry and he knows and it’s like okay win her back enough, why do I do it?! How do I stop? I feel so ashamed at myself but I can’t help but love him.

Can't you go away with the kids for a few days staying with family or friends? You need to step back and get some perspective and tell him to leave before you come back (even if he pays everything like you said, you stay at home to take care of his children too).
You will sort material things and child custody then. It's a toxic situation right now, you are vulnerable and he uses you.

I don't remember if it was said before, I reckon it was but try to seek help, social workers for a start.

 

[Jojoo]

I’m sorry to keep posting on here I’m just at such a loss. When this all first happened months ago I found out there was another woman. He said it was done and I believed him. (Idiot I know) well last night I caught them together. Appariently they’ve been going on 1/2dates a week for months.
I’ve told him this morning he has to be gone out the house tonight and he just said where am I going togo. Surely he needs to just deal with the consequences now? He says he wants to try and see where it goes with her, I was heartbroken before but this just feels so much worse I don’t know what to do.
i went to the solicitors yesterday and someone called me back but it’s going to be £250 for an hour consultation to start with, I can’t afford that. I feel so trapped and lost

 

[queenamber]

Really sorry to hear this. Totally normal to feel miserable and heartbroken despite knowing you're doing the right thing. Trust me, you are more than good enough and it's him who has the problem. He absolutely doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. He made a commitment to you and if he can't honour that, then it's time to split.

Frankly I'm shocked at the amount of men in monogamous marriages or relationships who think this is a reasonable request. All so he can get a leg over. Come on! Good on you for deciding to leave instead of putting yourself through hell. I have a friend in an open marriage, she agreed to it because she didn't want to lose her husband but she is a shell of the woman she once was. She too was "given" the option of sleeping with other men but she doesn't want to, she's not interested... all whilst her husband happily goes to get his rocks off with other woman. Her confidence and spark is gone. She won't leave him or do anything about the situation until she's ready but it's heartbreaking to see the consequences.

It is really tough when you can't speak to friends/family and I can see why you don't want to. But whenever I've had hard times or felt embarrassed to speak to friends about personal issues or problems, they've rallied round and were never judgemental and I'm sure your friends will do the same. If it's too soon then don't force yourself until you're ready. Keep speaking to your therapist so you don't have to hold it in.

Thank you and I'm so sorry to hear about your friend