Breakup advice

[Tommyb]

Hey folks. I saw this was a break up thread, but I’m not sure if it’s a general one or a specific one to amber ..?

anyway. I feel I’m exhausting my poor mum and my sister, who now have (understandably) no tolerance. I was with my bf for 11 years. Best friend. My life, really. I grew up on a diet of Disney, so as far as I’m concerned, think the best, believe the best, and nothing is impossible ! I still think it’s good to have that philosophy.

he was the absolute opposite. But I always thought, awe, it’s ok, it’ll be ok. When he had a little niggle, I always knew it would be ok, whereas he would go into extreme mode. Calling everything off. Cancelling everything. Started to change me, cos I stopped thinking happy and started worrying that he’d panic / get angry.

dono if this makes sense, sorry!

very boring for you guys.

See every time we had a fight, he would say it was ‘the end’, which sent me into a spin. Because I took it literally. And became so upset. Then he would retract it. And - silly me, my fault - I’d boomerang back and whitewash it, all ‘it’s totally fine, forget it’ because I DO think that. I think if someone says sorry, that’s quite a big thing and sorry to me means that it will never happen again. And I really feel bad if someone says sorry and I don’t like to see someone upset. So, I swallowed a lot and even though I was quite raw, I shunted myself and put my game face on. Does any of this make any sense ? Sorry if I’m rambling !

anyway. I was drying my hair today and thinking - do any of you do that, because drying your hair takes so long and you just think about stuff, lol ? - and I thought, “for 11 years I put XX first and for 11 years he put himself first”. We both put him first.

But I miss him so much that I started crying today in the bread aisle of Tesco and then cried when I boiled my mum’s kettle. So I’m an utter mess. Sorry. Just kind of speaking from my heart and speaking honestly. Sorry guys, for bringing a downer, and also for hijacking amber’s thread. Sorry, Amber !

You see how you have analysed everything here? This is your emotional maturity. Your ex doesn't sound like he has that. I speak from experience. I was with my first boyfriend for 7 years. From age 14. He was everything. Had medical conditions that I would sort out, book appointments ... Basically look after him. It was all about him. I'm very giving in nature and always put myself last so it came naturally for me to look after him at sacrifice to myself. The thing is as we got older we got further apart as our differences started to show.

I would talk about issue and want to solve a problem. He would have a strop and flounce off and if be left a nervous wreck. It really made me doubt myself. Once we split (he ended up cheating and stealing my money) I suffered with the change to my lifestyles rather than losing him.

I grew stronger and become who I actually was without him. Not walking on eggshells or panicking when things started to annoy him. I knew no man would make me feel like that again.

My boyfriend now... Completely different. A man who actually sits down after a row and will talk to me!.

I'm not sure if this will help you but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[katyazamo]

Just looking for an anonymous and judgement-free zone for venting.

My husband of 7 years no longer wants to be monogamous. He still loves me, wants to remain married to me, but also wants sex with other women with no feelings attached, and no consequences. I've decided to separate from him and will most likely divorce him since we want fundamentally different things from this marriage. I love him but I can't spend the rest of my life wondering what he's up to and being walked all over.

We don't have kids together so luckily that's one less problem to sort out. Even though I know I'm doing the right thing and standing by my morals I still feel miserable and heartbroken. My inner critic is telling me that he only wants sex with other women because I'm not good enough. I am seeing a therapist but I don't find her that helpful. I basically just sit and cry and she just nods her head

Curious if anyone else has gone through this or has any advice for a long-ish term breakup. He was my first proper love and I feel so scared about a future without him, even though I absolutely know it's for the best. Given the nature of the breakup I also feel like I can't open up to friends and family about this which makes me feel even more alone and isolated.

Will I ever feel happy again?

Really sorry to hear this. Totally normal to feel miserable and heartbroken despite knowing you're doing the right thing. Trust me, you are more than good enough and it's him who has the problem. He absolutely doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. He made a commitment to you and if he can't honour that, then it's time to split.

Frankly I'm shocked at the amount of men in monogamous marriages or relationships who think this is a reasonable request. All so he can get a leg over. Come on! Good on you for deciding to leave instead of putting yourself through hell. I have a friend in an open marriage, she agreed to it because she didn't want to lose her husband but she is a shell of the woman she once was. She too was "given" the option of sleeping with other men but she doesn't want to, she's not interested... all whilst her husband happily goes to get his rocks off with other woman. Her confidence and spark is gone. She won't leave him or do anything about the situation until she's ready but it's heartbreaking to see the consequences.

It is really tough when you can't speak to friends/family and I can see why you don't want to. But whenever I've had hard times or felt embarrassed to speak to friends about personal issues or problems, they've rallied round and were never judgemental and I'm sure your friends will do the same. If it's too soon then don't force yourself until you're ready. Keep speaking to your therapist so you don't have to hold it in.

 

[PineappleQueen19]

Hey folks. I saw this was a break up thread, but I’m not sure if it’s a general one or a specific one to amber ..?

anyway. I feel I’m exhausting my poor mum and my sister, who now have (understandably) no tolerance. I was with my bf for 11 years. Best friend. My life, really. I grew up on a diet of Disney, so as far as I’m concerned, think the best, believe the best, and nothing is impossible ! I still think it’s good to have that philosophy.

he was the absolute opposite. But I always thought, awe, it’s ok, it’ll be ok. When he had a little niggle, I always knew it would be ok, whereas he would go into extreme mode. Calling everything off. Cancelling everything. Started to change me, cos I stopped thinking happy and started worrying that he’d panic / get angry.

dono if this makes sense, sorry!

very boring for you guys.

See every time we had a fight, he would say it was ‘the end’, which sent me into a spin. Because I took it literally. And became so upset. Then he would retract it. And - silly me, my fault - I’d boomerang back and whitewash it, all ‘it’s totally fine, forget it’ because I DO think that. I think if someone says sorry, that’s quite a big thing and sorry to me means that it will never happen again. And I really feel bad if someone says sorry and I don’t like to see someone upset. So, I swallowed a lot and even though I was quite raw, I shunted myself and put my game face on. Does any of this make any sense ? Sorry if I’m rambling !

anyway. I was drying my hair today and thinking - do any of you do that, because drying your hair takes so long and you just think about stuff, lol ? - and I thought, “for 11 years I put XX first and for 11 years he put himself first”. We both put him first.

But I miss him so much that I started crying today in the bread aisle of Tesco and then cried when I boiled my mum’s kettle. So I’m an utter mess. Sorry. Just kind of speaking from my heart and speaking honestly. Sorry guys, for bringing a downer, and also for hijacking amber’s thread. Sorry, Amber !

You poor thing
You have been in a coercively controlling relationship and I recommend counselling to help you come to terms with that. There will be a lot of big emotions to process. You can do it. So happy you’re free of him. You deserve a million times better

 

[Jojoo]

You see how you have analysed everything here? This is your emotional maturity. Your ex doesn't sound like he has that. I speak from experience. I was with my first boyfriend for 7 years. From age 14. He was everything. Had medical conditions that I would sort out, book appointments ... Basically look after him. It was all about him. I'm very giving in nature and always put myself last so it came naturally for me to look after him at sacrifice to myself. The thing is as we got older we got further apart as our differences started to show.

I would talk about issue and want to solve a problem. He would have a strop and flounce off and if be left a nervous wreck. It really made me doubt myself. Once we split (he ended up cheating and stealing my money) I suffered with the change to my lifestyles rather than losing him.

I grew stronger and become who I actually was without him. Not walking on eggshells or panicking when things started to annoy him. I knew no man would make me feel like that again.

My boyfriend now... Completely different. A man who actually sits down after a row and will talk to me!.

I'm not sure if this will help you but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

This just spoke to me so much. I have to walk on eggshells around my husband and the kids as they set him off it’s agony for me. I dread family time.
I’ve looked after everything and even now I’m trying to find solutions to get him out the house fast it’s just being thrown back in my face. Today for the first time I stood up for myself and said that I couldn’t live in this house with me if we weren’t together and he needed to move out. He just walked out the room.
Last night he flew off the handle and shouted and threw things I was so scared.

 

[Jennynotfromtheblock]

I’m so sorry, I’m going through something similar more and more keeps coming out the woodwork. Don’t ask the mate, stay the bigger person if that makes sense. If you can do childcare without seeing him that will be best.
Personally I can’t I have to see him almost daily and it’s hard.
you sound so strong, keep that strength. What I ask myself alot is do I want to know? Some things I do and some I have worked out are best unknown ie who knows etc. you will soon learn who you can trust anyway by there actions.

Telling people he doesn’t live here anymore is tough, I’ve only told a few I just laugh it off and change the conversation still. Let him pack his own stuff if you can that hurts them harder rather than we do it for them

Always here if you need to talk

thanks so much, he told me that same friend thats coming this evening shagged a girl at that stag, he is also married so no point saying anything to him
I just can't believe he's done this, I don't even know where to start
He's coming out with the usual bullshit now, he's sorry he's just insecure, I am disgusted by him, I'm sure if I could see the full contents of the phone there would only be worse things, there's screenshots of hotel bookings there that I've never even heard of
I sound strong now because i havent had to tell anyone yet, when I even think about telling my family, my eyes tear up
It's just so sad, I never thought he would cheat on me, can't actually believe this is happening
Anyone gotten legal advice on this before? I'm sure he has a right to stay in the family home if he wants no?

 

[queenamber]

You poor thing - that is brutal and I’m sorry but he sounds like an idiot! You deserve much better. I don’t believe in sleeping around like that when you’re in a committed relationship. If both people want that, then fair enough, but you understandably don’t. I can understand how hard this must be, but you are totally doing the right thing. And please don’t beat yourself up and think this is because of you. It sounds to me like he just wants to have his cake and eat it. If he had genuine issues with you I think he would leave full stop and look for someone else.

I have experienced 2 painful breakups in my life and the first relationship lasted a decade. Second one was just over 3 years, but involved a child. Both were very painful and took some getting over. There’s no easy fix and it’s going to hurt sadly. It’s true what they say though that time is a healer. You still have so much ahead of you and you will hopefully meet someone you deserve.

Please do try to confide in a friend you can trust. I think you will feel better if you can talk to somebody. And a true friend would never judge you for this. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Thank you. It's so reassuring to hear from people who have gone through painful breakups. I'm even at the stage where I'm looking at celebrities who have divorced and thinking "If they can get through a divorce then so can I"

As hard as it is and as awful as I'm feeling, I keep telling myself it would be so much worse if I let this go on for another 10, 15, 20 years. He hasn't cheated, and who knows if he'd even act on it (he seems to just want it out there in the open as a possibility), but you can't live life like that always wondering if/when it's going to happen.

 

[D2them]

I don't think it matters why he's unblocked you, he sounds like bad news. Block, delete, move on. Don't waste any more energy on this one, there's better out there for you.xx

So I was speaking to a guy for five years long story short 2 years of that five years he was dating/ had a girlfriend and was still sexting me I found the girlfriend and told her everything.
He blocked me on everything and they stayed together. Last September he unblocked me 5 months after I snitched on him. I waited a couple of days thought this was weird and then messaged him so he knew I noticed what he done he instantly blocked me after.
Yesterday he unblocked me again but hasn’t messaged me. My friends done some fbi work and noticed they’re still together but she’s moving in with him this month (they’re long distance)
So I’m quite confused why’s he unblocked me again. Like I don’t want to block him because then he’ll know that I noticed he’s unblocked me but I can’t see it being the girlfriend that’s done it because I know his routine (been the same for years)

 

[Catnmouse]

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this, it is the worst feeling in the world.

I’m going through something vaguely similar and every day gets that little bit easier.

Sending lots of love, Candyland. It's such a callous way to treat someone isn't it? I think he was hoping that I would blow up and be like "why are you ignoring me" but I've done that before with him. Think he wanted me to break up with him (classic cop out). He's incapable of talking about emotions full stop so does everything over text. Last time I confronted him it was really brutal and I just don't want to be told all the ways in which he doesn't want to be with me again (yet he's strung me along as an option for ages now.)

I really hope that your situation improves, too. Thank you so much for saying it gets better - I am feeling a little bit more sure of my decision but I am very grumpy in generally coz of all the other shit going on.

 

[Blonde_moment]

You can and will get through it! You’re right, this could have been even worse if it had happened at a later stage. You still have plenty of time ahead of you. Might not feel like it now, but you will look back on this in time to come and be so glad you got out.

 

[Jojoo]

So my husband was away at the weekend and before he left he used my laptop to print his boarding pass, he left himself logged into google and so I was able to see all his google photos, I feel sick, he must be on every dating site in the country, sharing loads of images and videos of himself, he screenshotted some that he received so ive seen those. Worst thing is he screenshotted a conversation with some girl he spent the night with when he was at a stag saying wish you were still in bed beside me, we will have to plan another night away.
We are married 5 years with a 5 year old, have been trying for years to have another baby and plan was to do IVF. I dont even know what i feel, i think i feel the worst for our daughter who is never going to have another sibling now, she loves her Daddy. I havent seen him yet as he is flying home today. He knows I know as he rang and he knew something was up straight away, he says nothing happened between them, honestly i dont believe him, he is disgusting. I told him if he wants to see our daughter he can collect her from childcare the tomorrow and drop her to school in the morning. He replied with a very incoherent message saying I'll bring her Friday, then another one saying I mean tmrw, he tried to ring on few times on saturday and i let him video call herself but then she brought the phone out to me and i ended the call and he didnt even get in touch all day yesterday.

his friend is coming out this evening to fix something at our house, he was at the stag last year, would it be weird if i asked him to tell me what happened? I feel like hes just gonna say I'm not getting involved and then I'll be embarrassed but am gonna be mortified anyway like how i am gonna tell people oh he doesnt live he anymore, i found out he was on swingers website etc

any advice, thanks

I’m so sorry, I’m going through something similar more and more keeps coming out the woodwork. Don’t ask the mate, stay the bigger person if that makes sense. If you can do childcare without seeing him that will be best.
Personally I can’t I have to see him almost daily and it’s hard.
you sound so strong, keep that strength. What I ask myself alot is do I want to know? Some things I do and some I have worked out are best unknown ie who knows etc. you will soon learn who you can trust anyway by there actions.

Telling people he doesn’t live here anymore is tough, I’ve only told a few I just laugh it off and change the conversation still. Let him pack his own stuff if you can that hurts them harder rather than we do it for them

Always here if you need to talk

 

[candyland_]

So I was speaking to a guy for five years long story short 2 years of that five years he was dating/ had a girlfriend and was still sexting me I found the girlfriend and told her everything.
He blocked me on everything and they stayed together. Last September he unblocked me 5 months after I snitched on him. I waited a couple of days thought this was weird and then messaged him so he knew I noticed what he done he instantly blocked me after.
Yesterday he unblocked me again but hasn’t messaged me. My friends done some fbi work and noticed they’re still together but she’s moving in with him this month (they’re long distance)
So I’m quite confused why’s he unblocked me again. Like I don’t want to block him because then he’ll know that I noticed he’s unblocked me but I can’t see it being the girlfriend that’s done it because I know his routine (been the same for years)

Block him and move on.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Just looking for an anonymous and judgement-free zone for venting.

My husband of 7 years no longer wants to be monogamous. He still loves me, wants to remain married to me, but also wants sex with other women with no feelings attached, and no consequences. I've decided to separate from him and will most likely divorce him since we want fundamentally different things from this marriage. I love him but I can't spend the rest of my life wondering what he's up to and being walked all over.

We don't have kids together so luckily that's one less problem to sort out. Even though I know I'm doing the right thing and standing by my morals I still feel miserable and heartbroken. My inner critic is telling me that he only wants sex with other women because I'm not good enough. I am seeing a therapist but I don't find her that helpful. I basically just sit and cry and she just nods her head

Curious if anyone else has gone through this or has any advice for a long-ish term breakup. He was my first proper love and I feel so scared about a future without him, even though I absolutely know it's for the best. Given the nature of the breakup I also feel like I can't open up to friends and family about this which makes me feel even more alone and isolated.

Will I ever feel happy again?

I don’t have any experience of this but just wanted to say that you definitely will be happy again, and I don’t think for a second it’s anything to do with you and everything to do with your husband wanting the best of both worlds!

Even if the therapy isn’t working, you’ve found a strength to realise from the outset that divorce is the probable outcome. I think some people struggle with feeling like they have to lower their own expectations of what they want from life to try and save their marriage, but it sounds like you’ve accepted that you’re not prepared to do that and that can only be a good thing

 

[Romy]

Nah I was doing fine till I noticed but I don’t want to give him the satisfactory that it got to me when I noticed he unblocked me

Just ignore him then, like it's nothing to you. And don't ask anyone about him. You're just hurting yourself.

 

[Tommyb]

My fiance broke up with me on Sunday. We have been having a hard time for a while now and I have been struggling with my mental health and he has been quite unsupportive despite me moving mountains to help him when he was down and that was right at the start of our relationship. Now we are 2.5 years in and it's too much for him to help me out. I feel lost. I feel like a failure. I feel numb. He said he will call me at the weekend and we will talk but I just don't know what to think. Is there a chance we can reconcile and try to make it work or is he just going to call me and say its definitely over. I feel even worse because we have a really expensive holiday booked on my credit card for April and if we can't reconcile I either have to think about selling the holiday, or I could go with a friend but I will be out of pocket £1200 which is his share and i would just feel misersble knowing that I should have been there with him.
I feel like my life is in such a mess ans i just dont know how to feel better. I know time heals but its so hard when things go from everything you ever wanted to so hard and difficult in a short space of time and then you're trying to cling on and make it work but i feel like i was the only one trying.
He said im the best thing that ever happened to him and i am an amazing woman but he thinks to break up is the best because im not happy. If i was so amazing he wouldn't be leaving me. He would be trying with me tk fix things.

Ah so he's doing you a favour by braking up with you? ... To make you happy? . Honestly what a coward.

You know what they say.. of you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best.

You need someone you can depend on, who will catch you when you fall. Sounds like you have done all the heavy lifting and keep having to do it when it's his turn.

Can you not get a refund on the holiday?

I hope you feel better X

 

[yeoooo]

I'm so sad reading about all of the heartbreak in this thread

About 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me as he "wants to be single again". In reality, I think this is stemming from fact that he doesn't want to grow up. We are at the age where our network of friends are getting married, having kids, settling down... and he seemingly doesn't want any of this. I'm really devastated (and lowkey angry) as we've spoken about marriage and kids over the past 4 years which he seemed open to.. but over the last couple of months.. BAM.. he's reverted into a selfish, childish piece of shit. We didn't live together (due to the housing crisis, we still live at home) but were making plans to rent a place together.

The real kicker in this story is the day after the breakup, I fainted whilst walking down the stairs, passed out due to a bang to the head & fucked up my ankle. I had to sit in the emergency room alone and scared, trying not to cry. I ended up telling the nurses that I wish I hadn't woke up after passing out, so I had to spend hours speaking to the mental health crisis team trying to convince them that I wasn't trying to attempt anything, I was just feeling depressed.

The past 2 weeks have been so rough, I haven't been able to eat anything and don't want to see or talk to anybody. It's a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, and the only thing I actually look forward to now is bedtime. I haven't tried to contact him at all though. As much as I want to reach out, begging and pleading.. I refuse to give in to that. He coldheartedly made a decision for both of us, putting himself on a pedestal and gaining all control. Me not contacting him, not doing what he expects my anxious, depressed ass to do (plead and beg) is the only way I can regain any sort of control back and god damn it.. I'm not giving in.

He really broke my heart

im so sorry to hear this big hugs to you
your perfect is coming soon xx

 

[candyland_]

I'm so sad reading about all of the heartbreak in this thread

About 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me as he "wants to be single again". In reality, I think this is stemming from fact that he doesn't want to grow up. We are at the age where our network of friends are getting married, having kids, settling down... and he seemingly doesn't want any of this. I'm really devastated (and lowkey angry) as we've spoken about marriage and kids over the past 4 years which he seemed open to.. but over the last couple of months.. BAM.. he's reverted into a selfish, childish piece of shit. We didn't live together (due to the housing crisis, we still live at home) but were making plans to rent a place together.

The real kicker in this story is the day after the breakup, I fainted whilst walking down the stairs, passed out due to a bang to the head & fucked up my ankle. I had to sit in the emergency room alone and scared, trying not to cry. I ended up telling the nurses that I wish I hadn't woke up after passing out, so I had to spend hours speaking to the mental health crisis team trying to convince them that I wasn't trying to attempt anything, I was just feeling depressed.

The past 2 weeks have been so rough, I haven't been able to eat anything and don't want to see or talk to anybody. It's a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, and the only thing I actually look forward to now is bedtime. I haven't tried to contact him at all though. As much as I want to reach out, begging and pleading.. I refuse to give in to that. He coldheartedly made a decision for both of us, putting himself on a pedestal and gaining all control. Me not contacting him, not doing what he expects my anxious, depressed ass to do (plead and beg) is the only way I can regain any sort of control back and god damn it.. I'm not giving in.

He really broke my heart

I’m so sorry.
I was the same recently.. I couldn’t eat and lost a stone in weight and I would have a bath and go to bed at 8pm but I’ve slowly started to feel better. Take one day at a time. Eat little bits when you can.. it really will make all the difference if you fuel your body. Let yourself cry and then get out for some fresh air. I must have walked for miles but it helped me. Have small plans, even if it’s just to pop to the shop to keep you distracted and to get you through the day. You will feel better soon and I’m sending you love.

 

[Jojoo]

thanks I don't want to see him at all, I'm just so sad for no more family days out, holidays, feel so sad for my daughter and myself to just have to live by ourselves, the place just seems so quiet.

It’s hard, he had the kids for his first day out on Saturday. I cried all day. I’m still only a few weeks in and the loneliness in the evenings is hard but it gets easier and less painful but still lonely if that makes sense. Take one day at a time, one day it won’t hurt and you can be friends and have family days out etc just your new versions. That’s what I try and think of, I don’t want my kids to not have family memories but it will take time

 

[Tove_drew]

My fiance broke up with me on Sunday. We have been having a hard time for a while now and I have been struggling with my mental health and he has been quite unsupportive despite me moving mountains to help him when he was down and that was right at the start of our relationship. Now we are 2.5 years in and it's too much for him to help me out. I feel lost. I feel like a failure. I feel numb. He said he will call me at the weekend and we will talk but I just don't know what to think. Is there a chance we can reconcile and try to make it work or is he just going to call me and say its definitely over. I feel even worse because we have a really expensive holiday booked on my credit card for April and if we can't reconcile I either have to think about selling the holiday, or I could go with a friend but I will be out of pocket £1200 which is his share and i would just feel misersble knowing that I should have been there with him.
I feel like my life is in such a mess ans i just dont know how to feel better. I know time heals but its so hard when things go from everything you ever wanted to so hard and difficult in a short space of time and then you're trying to cling on and make it work but i feel like i was the only one trying.
He said im the best thing that ever happened to him and i am an amazing woman but he thinks to break up is the best because im not happy. If i was so amazing he wouldn't be leaving me. He would be trying with me tk fix things.

Correction: If HE was amazing he wouldn’t be leaving you. He’s not trying to fix things because he thinks he can’t. He’s not willing to be there for you. maybe he thinks it’s him making you unhappy but to give up without trying to change that? No one can make you happy but someone can make you unhappy.
Truth is fixing things takes both parties but if he’s not willing to meet you half way then that’s on him, not you.

 

[PineappleQueen19]

So my husband was away at the weekend and before he left he used my laptop to print his boarding pass, he left himself logged into google and so I was able to see all his google photos, I feel sick, he must be on every dating site in the country, sharing loads of images and videos of himself, he screenshotted some that he received so ive seen those. Worst thing is he screenshotted a conversation with some girl he spent the night with when he was at a stag saying wish you were still in bed beside me, we will have to plan another night away.
We are married 5 years with a 5 year old, have been trying for years to have another baby and plan was to do IVF. I dont even know what i feel, i think i feel the worst for our daughter who is never going to have another sibling now, she loves her Daddy. I havent seen him yet as he is flying home today. He knows I know as he rang and he knew something was up straight away, he says nothing happened between them, honestly i dont believe him, he is disgusting. I told him if he wants to see our daughter he can collect her from childcare the tomorrow and drop her to school in the morning. He replied with a very incoherent message saying I'll bring her Friday, then another one saying I mean tmrw, he tried to ring on few times on saturday and i let him video call herself but then she brought the phone out to me and i ended the call and he didnt even get in touch all day yesterday.

his friend is coming out this evening to fix something at our house, he was at the stag last year, would it be weird if i asked him to tell me what happened? I feel like hes just gonna say I'm not getting involved and then I'll be embarrassed but am gonna be mortified anyway like how i am gonna tell people oh he doesnt live he anymore, i found out he was on swingers website etc

any advice, thanks

You poor thing. This is a huge shock.
First things first - take screengrabs, save pics etc etc. Get the evidence. Save it somewhere safe.
Do not let on to his mate that you know what’s going on.
Contact a lawyer, get the ball rolling. Figure out where you are legally and financially. That he thinks you are unaware is currently your advantage.
You and your child deserve a million times better

 

[Codiaeum]

@Jojoo, your husband sounds like a dickhead, to put it bluntly. Has the audacity to cheat on you, come back, end it once more, but not quite because he couldn't figure out where to go, it turns out he's still seeing the other woman, but not quite enough to then actually be with her? Seems like a piece of work, if the woman also doesn't want him as a partner, but more like a f*ckbuddy (to each their own, but not with married people...).

Please don't take him back, you wrote that he scared you, threw things, shouted, etc. I'm not sure if he has been violent towards you, but it's a major red flag for me how disrespectful he has been already, who knows whether some fuse will blow on that end as well.
You have every right to end this, there is no shame at all in ending a relationship, especially if your partner was the one who started changing the rules, aka cheating, first here. Maybe your husband doesn't have the balls to actually quit things, sounds like he's also not on very secure terms with the other woman, but you could help him along with that by making your side very clear.