Breakup advice

[queenamber]

Just looking for an anonymous and judgement-free zone for venting.

My husband of 7 years no longer wants to be monogamous. He still loves me, wants to remain married to me, but also wants sex with other women with no feelings attached, and no consequences. I've decided to separate from him and will most likely divorce him since we want fundamentally different things from this marriage. I love him but I can't spend the rest of my life wondering what he's up to and being walked all over.

We don't have kids together so luckily that's one less problem to sort out. Even though I know I'm doing the right thing and standing by my morals I still feel miserable and heartbroken. My inner critic is telling me that he only wants sex with other women because I'm not good enough. I am seeing a therapist but I don't find her that helpful. I basically just sit and cry and she just nods her head

Curious if anyone else has gone through this or has any advice for a long-ish term breakup. He was my first proper love and I feel so scared about a future without him, even though I absolutely know it's for the best. Given the nature of the breakup I also feel like I can't open up to friends and family about this which makes me feel even more alone and isolated.

Will I ever feel happy again?

 

[Blonde_moment]

You poor thing - that is brutal and I’m sorry but he sounds like an idiot! You deserve much better. I don’t believe in sleeping around like that when you’re in a committed relationship. If both people want that, then fair enough, but you understandably don’t. I can understand how hard this must be, but you are totally doing the right thing. And please don’t beat yourself up and think this is because of you. It sounds to me like he just wants to have his cake and eat it. If he had genuine issues with you I think he would leave full stop and look for someone else.

I have experienced 2 painful breakups in my life and the first relationship lasted a decade. Second one was just over 3 years, but involved a child. Both were very painful and took some getting over. There’s no easy fix and it’s going to hurt sadly. It’s true what they say though that time is a healer. You still have so much ahead of you and you will hopefully meet someone you deserve.

Please do try to confide in a friend you can trust. I think you will feel better if you can talk to somebody. And a true friend would never judge you for this. You’ve done nothing wrong.

 

[queenamber]

You poor thing - that is brutal and I’m sorry but he sounds like an idiot! You deserve much better. I don’t believe in sleeping around like that when you’re in a committed relationship. If both people want that, then fair enough, but you understandably don’t. I can understand how hard this must be, but you are totally doing the right thing. And please don’t beat yourself up and think this is because of you. It sounds to me like he just wants to have his cake and eat it. If he had genuine issues with you I think he would leave full stop and look for someone else.

I have experienced 2 painful breakups in my life and the first relationship lasted a decade. Second one was just over 3 years, but involved a child. Both were very painful and took some getting over. There’s no easy fix and it’s going to hurt sadly. It’s true what they say though that time is a healer. You still have so much ahead of you and you will hopefully meet someone you deserve.

Please do try to confide in a friend you can trust. I think you will feel better if you can talk to somebody. And a true friend would never judge you for this. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Thank you. It's so reassuring to hear from people who have gone through painful breakups. I'm even at the stage where I'm looking at celebrities who have divorced and thinking "If they can get through a divorce then so can I"

As hard as it is and as awful as I'm feeling, I keep telling myself it would be so much worse if I let this go on for another 10, 15, 20 years. He hasn't cheated, and who knows if he'd even act on it (he seems to just want it out there in the open as a possibility), but you can't live life like that always wondering if/when it's going to happen.

 

[Blonde_moment]

You can and will get through it! You’re right, this could have been even worse if it had happened at a later stage. You still have plenty of time ahead of you. Might not feel like it now, but you will look back on this in time to come and be so glad you got out.

 

[Pineapple55]

Oh love, so sorry he's such an idiot.

I hate that he's made you question yourself - it's not that you're not good enough, it's that he needs the attention of multiple people to feed his ego. He's the one with issues, not you.

The fact that you don't have children to consider means you can now be totally selfish and put yourself first all the time (though I don't actually think that's selfish). Focus on building yourself up and making yourself the happiest you've ever been. Take each day as it comes and just do what makes you happy in the moment. Could be a quiet night under a blanket with a good book, or a night out with friends, a long bath, a good workout, anything at all.

Try not to rush into dating or meeting anyone new. You really will move on in time and you'll be glad you walked away and didn't stay with him while he slept around. Most likely, you'll come out of this stronger and more confident and he'll end up lonely and regretting throwing his marriage away. You'll be in the best place to meet somebody when the time is right.

Time really will help too - you'll wake up one day and realised you've turned a corner and you feel a little better. That'll keep happening until you realise you don't give him a second thought anymore.

You've got this you've already done the hardest bit too.

 

[Romy]

You should tell the reason of the breakup to your very close ones. It's his choice after all to "change the rules" over the course of your marriage, not a common choice. And you need support from your loved ones.

The breakup is particularly painful because totally unexpected and you're so disappointed... it will get better eventually and there is nothing wrong with you. You're also stronger than you think as you managed to take an important decision and stick to it. How did he react btw when you said you preferred to divorce?

 

[queenamber]

How did he react btw when you said you preferred to divorce?

Said he was "broken" and that he's in love with me and wants to be together, he just wants the added meaningless sex with others with no feelings attached. He basically wants an all you eat buffet!

I should add that he also said I'm free to have sex with other men too - but as you can probably already tell, I'm not comfortable with any of it.

 

[Jojoo]

I’ve been through so much with my marriage the last few months. He walked out on me and the kids for space but came back after 7 weeks saying he just wanted me. Fast forward a couple of weeks and he’s ended it.
what do I do! I have a 3 and 1 year old and just feel so trapped. He gets to walk away and make a new home and everything but I’m stuck here in a house full of memories of us as a couple and looking after the kids. It’s not fair. I forgave so much for us to get back together yet that wasn’t enough. I’ve never broken up with anyone before he was my only relationship this is all so new and terrifying, and help and advice please

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I’ve been through so much with my marriage the last few months. He walked out on me and the kids for space but came back after 7 weeks saying he just wanted me. Fast forward a couple of weeks and he’s ended it.
what do I do! I have a 3 and 1 year old and just feel so trapped. He gets to walk away and make a new home and everything but I’m stuck here in a house full of memories of us as a couple and looking after the kids. It’s not fair. I forgave so much for us to get back together yet that wasn’t enough. I’ve never broken up with anyone before he was my only relationship this is all so new and terrifying, and help and advice please

Please don’t take him back again. I know you probably think it’s better for the kids, but honestly it’s not. Your children need to see their mother being treated with respect and not like a door mat.

I know they’re too little to understand now, but they’ll grow up thinking it’s normal for dad to treat you like dirt. Even if you hide it from them, they’ll know. Plus you’ll be unhappy and you need to put your happiness first. If you’re happy then they’ll be happy. Far easier to break away now while they’re little and will have less memories.

I know it must be hard to face raising the kids alone, but this man will never respect you or love you in the way you deserve and I doubt he will ever change. He sounds like a selfish pig.

please seek proper advice and break away from him, you won’t regret it in the long run.

 

[Jojoo]

Please don’t take him back again. I know you probably think it’s better for the kids, but honestly it’s not. Your children need to see their mother being treated with respect and not like a door mat.

I know they’re too little to understand now, but they’ll grow up thinking it’s normal for dad to treat you like dirt. Even if you hide it from them, they’ll know. Plus you’ll be unhappy and you need to put your happiness first. If you’re happy then they’ll be happy. Far easier to break away now while they’re little and will have less memories.

I know it must be hard to face raising the kids alone, but this man will never respect you or love you in the way you deserve and I doubt he will ever change. He sounds like a selfish pig.

please seek proper advice and break away from him, you won’t regret it in the long run.

What if I never stop loving him? I’m going to have to watch him move on, who’s going to want me and two kids

 

[Bianca Del Rio]

What if I never stop loving him? I’m going to have to watch him move on, who’s going to want me and two kids

What if I never stop loving him? I promise you, you will. It’s only just happened, you’re still in shock. Give it time.
I’m going to have to watch him move on You don’t. Sever any contact with him on social media or anything else that will tempt you to look at what he’s up to. Don’t let mutual friends draw you into gossiping or speculating about it. Keep communication limited to practicalities about the house, the children, finances and whatever else needs to be sorted, through a neutral third party if that helps. Anything else, you don’t need to know.
Who’s going to want me and two kids Don’t entertain these thoughts just now. I can categorically guarantee there will be someone out there who will move hell and high water for you and when that time comes, you’ll wonder what you were ever doing putting up with anything less. I promise you that.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

What if I never stop loving him? I’m going to have to watch him move on, who’s going to want me and two kids

Surely anything has got to be better than being with a man that treats you like a door mat? You will get through it, and you’ll feel far better for it. Better to be single than treated like dirt. Sorry if it seems blunt, it’s just the way I see it.
Take time to focus on yourself and your children for a while. You’ll meet someone one day who is worth your time and who will want to put you and your children first. Anyone that doesn’t do that isn’t worth it all.

 

[AnnRKey]

My husband of 7 years no longer wants to be monogamous.

My husband of 7 years wants a divorce

There, fixed it for you.

Get a lawyer and get him out of your life. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to reclaim your life and move on. It will hurt for a while but in a few months' time you will be living your best life without that utter prick.

What if I never stop loving him? I’m going to have to watch him move on, who’s going to want me and two kids

You need to value yourself much more than that love.

Focus on you and your kids. You never know what lies ahead of you (or who lies under you lol) in the future.

You don't need to watch him move on. Look in the other direction. Take this as an opportunity for you and the kids to do life the way you want. You will probably find out in the future that what you thought was love was absolutely not. You can do this!

 

[queenamber]

What if I never stop loving him? I’m going to have to watch him move on, who’s going to want me and two kids

You may love him forever but I imagine the respect has gone if he's walked out on you and your children? There's no going back from that IMO.

 

[Jojoo]

Does it make sense if I say I’m think I’m going most scared because I know it’s for good? I think deep down I want this to happen but they just seems so scary and unimaginable as I never imagined life without him

 

[queenamber]

Does it make sense if I say I’m think I’m going most scared because I know it’s for good? I think deep down I want this to happen but they just seems so scary and unimaginable as I never imagined life without him

I'm in a similar boat. I'm terrified for my future BUT I'd be more scared with staying in a marriage where I'm unhappy, resentful and being disrespected. It's taken me months just to get to this point. We had a life before these men and we'll have a life without them. I don't have children but you also have to think of them in this situation. Their mum doesn't deserve to be treated like this and they'll respect you in the long run for walking away and putting yours and their needs above their selfish Dads.

 

[katyazamo]

Just looking for an anonymous and judgement-free zone for venting.

My husband of 7 years no longer wants to be monogamous. He still loves me, wants to remain married to me, but also wants sex with other women with no feelings attached, and no consequences. I've decided to separate from him and will most likely divorce him since we want fundamentally different things from this marriage. I love him but I can't spend the rest of my life wondering what he's up to and being walked all over.

We don't have kids together so luckily that's one less problem to sort out. Even though I know I'm doing the right thing and standing by my morals I still feel miserable and heartbroken. My inner critic is telling me that he only wants sex with other women because I'm not good enough. I am seeing a therapist but I don't find her that helpful. I basically just sit and cry and she just nods her head

Curious if anyone else has gone through this or has any advice for a long-ish term breakup. He was my first proper love and I feel so scared about a future without him, even though I absolutely know it's for the best. Given the nature of the breakup I also feel like I can't open up to friends and family about this which makes me feel even more alone and isolated.

Will I ever feel happy again?

Really sorry to hear this. Totally normal to feel miserable and heartbroken despite knowing you're doing the right thing. Trust me, you are more than good enough and it's him who has the problem. He absolutely doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. He made a commitment to you and if he can't honour that, then it's time to split.

Frankly I'm shocked at the amount of men in monogamous marriages or relationships who think this is a reasonable request. All so he can get a leg over. Come on! Good on you for deciding to leave instead of putting yourself through hell. I have a friend in an open marriage, she agreed to it because she didn't want to lose her husband but she is a shell of the woman she once was. She too was "given" the option of sleeping with other men but she doesn't want to, she's not interested... all whilst her husband happily goes to get his rocks off with other woman. Her confidence and spark is gone. She won't leave him or do anything about the situation until she's ready but it's heartbreaking to see the consequences.

It is really tough when you can't speak to friends/family and I can see why you don't want to. But whenever I've had hard times or felt embarrassed to speak to friends about personal issues or problems, they've rallied round and were never judgemental and I'm sure your friends will do the same. If it's too soon then don't force yourself until you're ready. Keep speaking to your therapist so you don't have to hold it in.

 

[queenamber]

Really sorry to hear this. Totally normal to feel miserable and heartbroken despite knowing you're doing the right thing. Trust me, you are more than good enough and it's him who has the problem. He absolutely doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. He made a commitment to you and if he can't honour that, then it's time to split.

Frankly I'm shocked at the amount of men in monogamous marriages or relationships who think this is a reasonable request. All so he can get a leg over. Come on! Good on you for deciding to leave instead of putting yourself through hell. I have a friend in an open marriage, she agreed to it because she didn't want to lose her husband but she is a shell of the woman she once was. She too was "given" the option of sleeping with other men but she doesn't want to, she's not interested... all whilst her husband happily goes to get his rocks off with other woman. Her confidence and spark is gone. She won't leave him or do anything about the situation until she's ready but it's heartbreaking to see the consequences.

It is really tough when you can't speak to friends/family and I can see why you don't want to. But whenever I've had hard times or felt embarrassed to speak to friends about personal issues or problems, they've rallied round and were never judgemental and I'm sure your friends will do the same. If it's too soon then don't force yourself until you're ready. Keep speaking to your therapist so you don't have to hold it in.

Thank you and I'm so sorry to hear about your friend

 

[Jojoo]

So it happened this morning via text.. 11 years together, 4 married and 2 small kiddies that’s how he ended it. He’s come home, I’ve asked what his plans are and he says he hasn’t got any. He’s not found anywhere else to go and is just here… It’s confusing

 

[queenamber]

So it happened this morning via text.. 11 years together, 4 married and 2 small kiddies that’s how he ended it. He’s come home, I’ve asked what his plans are and he says he hasn’t got any. He’s not found anywhere else to go and is just here… It’s confusing

So he's broken up with you via text and then still expects to come back to the family home? I don't think so! If he's the one who's ended it then he needs to either find accommodation or get you and the kids taken care of rather than living in an awkward and confusing atmosphere. You need to establish some boundaries and get a plan in place. In my case, we've listed our house for sale and my husband is moving out next week. Again, this is something that has been in the works for months, so take it from me, the time to act is now.