Body Image Issues & ED Support Thread

[Sideboard Bob]

@Sideboard Bob .. thanks for reassuring me but I know what it looked like. I have stayed away and from F&D because I don’t want to be the one to be tiptoed around. This thing isolated me in real life and now I feel my life is shrinking even more.

I understand. While I wasn’t just saying that to make you feel better, I don’t mean to downplay how it must have felt for you.

I can relate to feeling isolated, I’m trying so hard to not go back to ED behaviours but because I’ve been so depressed my mind has just found other “self destructive” things, like rejecting anything good in life and avoiding family and friends x

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

How is everyone doing?

Spoiler: weight mention

the person who is the subject of the thread I am on the most actually posted her weight on Twitter this afternoon and it sent me into a spiral. She is well known for posting very triggering ED posts. I spent ages looking at pictures of her, seeing her at various stages, trying to find evidence that is she is this weight. Ffs this is so messed up. Why do we do this to ourselves? I had to stay away from her because of her triggering posts but that is sad because the people on there are fun and it is nice to be on the thread generally.

Yesterday wasn’t great. Learning to move on without days of guilt and repeat behaviours.

 

[zetta buttons]

Sending out the signal of solidarity to everyone.

Spoiler: TW restricting and behaviours

Does the brain always stay disordered? I don’t know. My parents are coming up to take us out at the weekend and I’m already on a huge restrict cycle to compensate. Ffs. It’s taking the mick.

MFP was deleted at the weekend after a big heart to heart, but it’s gone back on and I threw my lunch away on my work trip on Monday so no one knew I didn’t eat.

Even at my smallest, because I was running so much people assumed I was just “fit” so didn’t say anything. I certainly don’t look ill now and it’s so hard. I was told I mask really well the other week (in other words- you look like you eat fine ).

I know so many disorders are hidden but the stock response is that we are choosing to behave like this around food. No one reacts like that to people with other MH conditions, I certainly don’t choose to calculate shit all day or throw food away or eat the food that I put in a student bin 5 hours earlier to try and stop myself eating.

To those who vented earlier, .

 

[dinosaursideways]

I've been thinking of joining one of the ED equivalent groups to AA - searching on Google there seem to be a few options, Addictive Eaters Anonymous, ED Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous etc. I joined a trigger warning rape peer support group this year, having done group therapy for the first time last year, and this peer support group is truly the best thing I have ever done for myself. I don't have words for what it has meant to find solidarity, compassion, and kindness among others. I have been eating disordered for over two decades now, what I've been doing hasn't worked, so I think it's time to try something different. Bit trepidatious because my current support group are so incredible, I feel like the eating one may not be as perfect for me but....even just trying is a step.

Has anyone else joined any kind of eating anonymous support groups? I really want to attend in person, my current one is mainly in person and it makes such a difference, the online meetings are just not the same. The group therapy I did was online and I really struggled to engage and connect with it.

Spoiler: Trigger warning - loss of an eating disordered friend

I was part of the online pro-ana community from 1999, and it was a huge part of my life. I made real life friendships, went to (on reflection, somewhat odd) meetups etc. Various dramas happened, forums got closed, I stopped logging in and then forgot my details, but I remained in touch with one girl I had become friends with. At one point we were living in the same city and flat hunting to live together. Our lives and illnesses went in different trajectories and we fell out of touch. Every now and again I would look her up and think should I get back in touch, but was always held back - mainly by the fact that, when we were in real life together I was at the 'peak' of my anorexia. I had since ended up more of a normal weight and I felt too ashamed to see her, and felt like she was probably doing 'better' (see, 'iller') than me.

I looked her up today, for no particular reason, and found her obituary. She passed away a year ago. There was an outpouring of love and sadnesss on the post about her passing, hundreds of people saying lovely things. I'm so sad that she didn't make it, I'm so sad she never got any help that helped her, I'm so sad that she doesn't see the outpouring of love for her and for who she was, I'm so sad for the loneliness and illness she experienced, I'm so sad I never reached out, and I'm so sad that this link to my past is gone.

I have been crying on and off all day. I feel such an ache for both of us, for the young, lonely, ill girls we were, for the world we inhabited of obsession and self-hatred and control and drugs and alcohol and isolation, for the impact it all had on our lives. For how lost we were, that she stayed lost, and that now she is gone. She is just gone.

I've been struggling with my ED a LOT the last 15 months and with suicidal ideation for the last couple of years. When things like this happen, I feel like the world thinks I am supposed to 'wake up' and see things differently, to see what we all wish she saw from her passing, that it will flick the switch in my head. But it doesn't fix things like that, at all. I am very glad I am seeing my therapist on Tuesday, my group on Wednesday, and that I'm working from home so can cry to myself when I need to.

 

[smooth_operator33]

currently on holiday and feeling a bit poop about how i look at home i was feeling so confident and happy but as soon as i’ve come away it’s just gone
i’m managing to eat well, not over restrict or absolutely go wild so i guess that’s a win
we’re having a group gym session later which might perk me up a bit

update - we didn’t go to the gym but a back story - our luggage had to get left at the airport we took off from so i think i was feeling some anxiety around that which was triggering a few other things. feeling much better now we have our cases
still not been to the gym and tbh don’t really fancy it. i’m doing lots of swimming and walking so my mind is somewhat settled

 

[Agent Cooper]

Spoiler: Spoiler

I’ve recently just got engaged and the feeling that I just not eat at all is so strong, I’m terrified of being overweight on my wedding day it makes me feel sick. I’ve been coping well with triggering thoughts but recently it’s become so overwhelming. I put on weight during recovery and haven’t lost it and I’m trying to do everything I can to lose it sorry just needed to vent because this is the most triggered I’ve felt in years

First of all, hi and huge congratulations on your engagement! I’m sorry to hear you are struggling with weight thoughts though. You can’t always control what you think so please do not be hard on yourself, it will only make you feel worse. Have you tried figuring out why you feel like you should be a certain size on your wedding day? Is it social media pressure, something that other people (friends, coworkers etc) tell you or something else? You say you used to cope well with triggering thoughts. Are there any coping techniques/strategies that worked for you in the past?

Hi, just want to say I'm so happy that I've found this thread. I've been really struggling with eating for quite a long time. I'm now starting to get deficiencies and my health professional are really getting on to me which is really triggering me. They've put me on Fortisips and I'm meant to be drinking 4 a day but that feels impossible. I can only manage the 1 but even that makes me feel guilty drinking it. Anyone else on Fortisips and how do you manage to drink them? I can't pick up the courage at all and my fridge is full of them. Hugs to everyone struggling. It's a really hard battle to defeat.

Hi there Unfortunately, I can’t help with Fortisips much as I’ve never been on them, but I just wanted to express my support. Could you perhaps discuss your issues with your health professional? I am not a doctor, but I guess drinking 1 a day is still better than drinking none. Maybe you could go gradually from 1 to 1,5 to 2 drinks until you finally manage to drink all 4 in one day?I struggle with guilt myself, but according to Google, 1 Fortisip is about 300 Kcal so not that much? Especially since it’s essentially a meal replacement. I hope you find something that works for you soon! 🤍

Hey I have never ever spoke to anybody about my weight problems other than my husband and even then it’s very I was overweight as a kid and bullied, but always swept under the carpet. I remember getting hit once by an older boy who bust my nose and I hit the boy back. He reported it and I got into trouble because he said I was calling him names. I wasn’t, but I was so embarrassed to tell the teacher he had called me fat. I had no confidence at all and it really effected me. I got to around 20 and something clicked. I just stopped eating and I shed around 7 stone in about a year. I literally didn’t eat though. I now gym and still barely eat, terrified of how many calories I consume. I’m 9 stone, 5ft4 and I know my weight and BMI are all healthy but I’m so, so paranoid about looking fat or anyone ever calling me fat. Nobody I work with knows I was ever overweight and I’m a small, dainty little thing according to them. It’s a part of me that I absolutely hate. It controls my life. I daren’t eat out and my day is ruined if I eat sometbing “bad”. I’m trying my hardest to change for my child as I don’t want them to ever go through what I went through and we have really good eating habits in our house. It’s just my own demons.

Hi Bobbleowl! I was so heartbroken after reading your post, you have been through a lot and I’m sorry! Bullying is always so horrible, some kids are just extremely cruel. I can unfortunately relate to having no self-confidence. From what you have written, it sounds like you could benefit from counseling and/or joining a support group. Have you ever had therapy before? A good therapist can make you feel heard and understood which is very comforting in itself. It sounds like you struggle with a lot of guilt that prevents you from enjoying your life and feeling confident.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Evening all. I didn’t know about this thread so just going to dump this out of my head. I’m in the absolute grips of my ED at the minute and i’ve just been ruminating on how unfair it all is. I accept that I think about food differently to other people and I am way past anger and jealousy about it but I feel like a toddler at the moment and I want to rage about it knowing it can’t be fixed. I just want someone to not intervene and help me but to equally comfort me and validate this absolute bullshit that I think and do.

Spoiler: Potential trigger.

So due to reasons my child hasn’t been with me for some of xmas that i’d planned for so I paused all the xmas food when they went to their dad’s. I then ate (after 92hrs of no food) and was immediately unwell. They’re back now and I have to get all the food out again and I can’t bear it. I now haven’t eaten since then (54hrs ago) and all of the plans for this week have gone wonky so I can’t next eat anything until thursday which will be another long stretch which is fine but I have to break it at an event where what I eat will be monitored which is a pain. This period is super busy so I won’t have a day alone to eat how I like to (slowly and noting amounts) for over a week.

Also, just before I broke it on sunday I was feeling flutters in my chest and I worried that I would faint while I was out which would be hideous. It has made me think about how like when i’m old(er) I won’t be able to do this as it could kill me. There is so much context and history and comorbidity so blah blah this really makes no sense but sometimes i’m just really bloody fed up with this ridiculousness.

Oh Silver It can’t be “validated”, but what this cruel illness is doing to you is so “normal”. It’s not you. I know it feels like it, because like you said, it’s what you think and do.
It sounds like such a hard time anyway, and then on top of that you’re dealing with such a shit illness. I’m so sorry you’re going through this X

 

[Sideboard Bob]

@Sideboard Bob
Hey Sidey B, how are you doing? I’m kinda in the throes of this atm, looked for a thread on here and seen it’s been a while since it’s been posted on. Hope you’re ok.xxx

Hey Laz, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s such a mind-fuck. I stopped taking the antidepressants I was on (I would NOT recommend this to anyone else!) because as well as triggering me too much they were having other negative side effects.

It is worth trying to keep in mind the bigger picture though, if it’s going to help your health overall, it’s so worth it.

This is a quiet thread, but lots of kindness and advice, so I really hope it helps you if needed xxx

 

[embee1106]

I think everyone on this thread is so brave to open up about their struggles!
One thing I would mention is that having family members comment on your weight/size is a very significant catalyst/contributor of disordered eating and body image. This also includes family members who have commented on how much you’re eating, what you’re eating, etc.
So part of the counselling process would be to unpack that and address how that has contributed to where you find yourself now.

I totally resonate with the body checking behaviours like pinching parts of your body, that’s always been a big issue for me too! But part of learning to improve my body image involved learning that the more I grab, punch, check or monitor my body by performing these behaviours, the more I end up over-scrutinising it and always finding fault.
There are some really great resources online to help improve things for you, and you can absolutely live the life you want without this being the main thing you think about every day! One of the best starting points can be to delete/unfollow social media that is making you feel worse and start curating your feed to include lots of support accounts, body positive accounts and nutrition debunking accounts.

Thank you for replying and for being so kind! It’s troubling how many people have issues after Slimming World. I hope you are in a good place atm.
Tbh I’ve not looked into counselling or anything like that because I didn’t think I would be taken seriously. It’s very recently that I’ve even considered my behaviour towards food and weight is not how all women behave.

All my family members would always comment on my weight and whether I was bigger/smaller than other female family members. I don’t think a day has ever passed where I’ve not worried about how I look and what I’ve eaten since I was about 7. I just want to live and enjoy my life and not be constantly pinching the flab on my body and wishing I was smaller.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Thank you for starting this thread @Agent Cooper It‘s such a hard thing to talk about, but maybe it will help to discuss it with other people who understand and aren’t judgemental.

I’ve had various eating disorders on and off for more than 20 years. Thankfully I’m physically recovered at the moment, but not mentally. I find it really embarrassing and awkward to talk about, but I seeing people here be so honest, I’ll try and be more open.

Spoiler: @ Into_the_tunnel

@Into_the_tunnel I saw the thread that you were talking about, if it’s the one I know too, and didn’t think you came across as a twat at all, honestly. It was a really tricky subject, and I think if people haven’t experienced how triggering it can be, they genuinely don’t understand.

Anyone there understands that it’s hard for you, you’ve been so open and honest, and if they don’t get why you felt compelled to correct things, that’s on them, not you. But I really do think most people would empathise, and understand why it was hard for you x

 

[Gidget00_]

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Oh, sorry, I know you weren’t downplaying it. I just know when I look like an idiot and I had a feeling that was a time when I came across like a massive one.



So sorry things aren’t good for you either. I see your posts and you are always so upbeat, but I suppose we can hide a million things with our posts. Remember, I am always here, lurking, trying not to be an idiot, trying to get through each day. Sending huge hugs Bob xxx

I’m glad you understand. Hey, who hasn’t acted like, or just felt like an idiot.


Haha yes, I definitely hide it well, it’s only if someone catches me crying at work, or when my brother asks how I really am that it all comes out.

Thank you so so much, it really means a lot. We can all get through each day, and know that it’s something to be proud of. Sending huge hugs to you too lovely xxx

 

[Agent Cooper]

@Sideboard Bob
I’m kinda in the throes of this atm, looked for a thread on here and seen it’s been a while since it’s been posted on.

Hey there! Sorry you are going through this, this thread isn’t very active but I still check it from time to time, I’m here if you need to talk. Please remember it’s not you, it’s your illness, and you are not alone

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

That's a big thing!

I always look back at when I was smaller and wish I was there.
But then like you say, I was miserable.
My brain never stopped thinking about weight. I panicked at the thought of gaining 1lb.
My head was full constantly.

It still is now but no where near as much.
But I still look back and wish I was there now

This. .

I can’t say anymore at the moment because I don’t think I can bring myself to write it down. I feel like I am living two lives.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I hope everyone’s doing ok. I have so much I want to talk about and empathise with others about, but my head isn’t in the right place just now, but something has been on my mind.

I genuinely think women can be beautiful as all shapes and sizes. I’m bisexual, and I prefer women, so this isn’t just a “you go girl” thing, I really do think women can be beautiful in so many ways.
But I can never see myself that way. I’d never, ever criticise (even internally), another woman who has a similar body type to mine. Does that make sense? it’s not even like I want to think I’m “hot”, it’s just this stupid illness is so cruel to myself, but I’m glad my “real” self still sees other people in a clear way.

Spoiler: long boring reply with mention of being critical over body

I really wish sometimes we could speak to each other. I think it would help so much. I feel that with ED particularly, they are so isolating, lots of people actually don’t understand how they limit your day-to-day life and can trigger other disorders like anxiety and depression that it would be so therapeutic to talk.

You are so considerate about others in terms of how to speak about other people’s bodies. I am permanently comparing (does everyone do this?). In terms of body shape, I hate mine- it isn’t even about the size at times it is about specific things that were still there at my smallest (and will never go). Then I think I am being self-obsessed with all the body-checking and hate myself even more for it.

When I look at other women, regardless of size or shape, my general opinion is that they look so fantastic and free in what they are wearing (although in reality, many of them probably are having similar battles in their heads). Why can they look so good?

The worst part of comparisons though, is if (as mentioned above, I get wind of a hint of a weight change with someone IRL or on SM). Then I get so preoccupied with looking for evidence of this in their pictures that I can spend hours online looking for minute details. I have never admitted this to anyone. There is so much I have done that I haven’t admitted. Yesterday I was terrified that the MFP value (it didn’t match the packet) for something I bought was wrong so I panicked and downloaded nutracheck in the supermarket.

I am sorry that you are not in a good place at the moment. I saw a post on Instagram the other day that likened happiness to waves. Eventually another one will come along, eventually that feeling will come back, even though it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. I hope you can talk when you feel you can and it isn’t too painful.

 

[BelleAmie]

Does anyone else find social media and pop culture especially triggering? I’m okay in my daily life, but sometimes you just see a picture on Instagram or watch a movie that is all about the importance of being beautiful and thin, and it really gives you all the wrong thoughts. At least I’m an adult, hate to think how dangerous it can be for teenagers

Yep - I’ve been watching Selling Sunset today and they are are SO thin and it makes me feel bad that I don’t look like them, and then I restrict, and then I binge and the cycle continues

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I need to rant and I have nowhere else to go with this, there’s an ED helpline, but they’re not open until later today.

Long story short, I have suffered quite badly from bulimia in the past, finally got help a few years ago, and I’ve at least been physically recovered since then.

Now I’ve had depression for a while, and started a new antidepressant a few weeks ago. One of the possible side effects is weight gain, I hoped I wouldn’t get that, but I have. I won’t go into numbers or details but I stupidly weighed myself this morning, and it’s more than I can deal with.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this, sorry.

It’s like all the nasty things my ED brain would tell me about my body are now literally true, and I can’t handle it. I’m going to ask my doctor if I can stop this medication.

It’s like a cruel joke, I’ve tried so many antidepressants before, this one seemed like it might help, but now it’s just added another problem, and I’m still f*cking depressed.

I don’t need anyone to reply, everyone has their own things to deal with, and it could be a lot worse, but I just needed to get it off my chest. If anyone’s even read this far, thank you x

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I’ve struggled on and off with body image and tonight I went to get some food as munchies hit and my husband kindly told me I’ve had a lot of calories today and to put said food down. I’m feeling very upset and triggered over this

No wonder you’re feeling upset, that’s a really cruel and unnecessary thing for him to say. I’m so sorry.

 

[smooth_operator33]

so glad i’ve found this thread
i wasn’t diagnosed with an ED but went for therapy and they told me i just had badly disordered eating. I know it was worse- a mix of AN and orthorexia i think. That was around 3/4 years ago now. I’m now 21 and i have good and bad days. I don’t think it’s something that will ever go, just something that’s maintained and controlled i guess. i’ve had binge and bulimic episodes but managed to pull away from them pretty quickly as i truly hated the feeling. For sure i have some habits still but some are easier to get over than others i guess
really glad to see this page tho- with summer coming up it can feel really hard to not lean into old ways

 

[embee1106]

it’s so prevalent! I get really mad sometimes thinking about all of the moments and experiences I’ve been robbed of feeling the joy in because I was too busy worrying about my body. But like I said, it can absolutely get better and I’m living proof of this!
I always remember my therapist saying to me once “if you look for fatness, you will find it” and that really stuck with me in terms of the body checking behaviours. We are all our own worst critics!

You’re exactly right with this. Even if a photo looks ok, or I can feel my hip bones, or I can’t pinch something as much today…I’ll just find something else that doesn’t feel as ‘small’ as yesterday.

It’s comforting yet also really upsetting to know there are lots of us with these issues