Body Image Issues & ED Support Thread

[Gidget00_]

Hi guys I think I’ve posted here before but if so it was so long ago that I don’t remember.
I had an ED for most of my teenage years and early twenties ( I’m 28 now) and I’ve been fine for years, I haven’t relapsed and I’ve become a foodie tbh, I have such a good and healthy relationship with food now, but something is happening lately and I don’t understand why I’m feeling how I am. I don’t know if I think my face has started to look really fat from the side of what is happening and I’m starting to feel really stressed about it.

I feel like my jawline isn’t defined anymore and I have started to take an excessive amount of pictures of the side of my face because I feel like it looks chunky like my face from the side almost looks deformed even thoughI think it looks fine from the front? I have fully zoned in on it and it’s starting to consume way too much time in my mind. I don’t even think I’m looking for advice or anything because there isn’t much to say about it but I just feel like I need to vent x

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Just a message to say to all of you struggling - this can end. I promise, I know because I got out of an ED and I now live normally and eat normally.

Find a therapist you trust and just keep going, even when you feel its not helping - just keep going because its a cumulative thing. Challenge your ED - you deserve to life your life, we just get one - you need to fight hard not to lose it to an insidious ED. I believe in anyone reading this who is suffering, I promise you - you can beat this and live your life again.

Thank you for this and to all the others offering support.

@Sideboard Bob .. thanks for reassuring me but I know what it looked like. I have stayed away and from F&D because I don’t want to be the one to be tiptoed around. This thing isolated me in real life and now I feel my life is shrinking even more.

Being here, downloading fitness apps, loading ridiculous numbers into MFP for the week ahead, recovery feels a million miles away. How can we go from being OK to being in the depths of this again?

Please don’t read ahead if badly triggered

I was reading on the Selling Sunset thread and there were comments on Emma and a picture of Chrishelle’s arm. Mine used to look like that and all I can think now is how to get back to that place. I know that is so wrong but there is no point (and we can’t really afford it at the moment) going to therapy if I want to restrict and continue to use exercise in this way.

Maybe tomorrow will be brighter, maybe this is tiredness from doing too much, no sleep from
an ill dog () and irrational thoughts taking over.

In terms of the mirror, totally. Who is that person mainly.

Sorry for dumping this.

 

[instanonsense]

I’m struggling today. I know my perception of my body is distorted by my issues, but it’s still so difficult.

Sending you loads of love. For me knowing that my thoughts and feelings are irrational makes me feel worse! I think give myself a doubly hard time! Dealing with the intrusive thoughts is hard enough but then I give myself an extra kicking for having the intrusive thoughts and not being “normal” Is anything causing your struggle today? For me 90% of the time I have these feelings it’s because something else is going on. Something bad will happen or I’m stressed about something and I instantly feel fat.

I want to write more about my story but I’m struggling a lot myself at the moment and I don’t really have the mental capacity to do so. I’d like to be more active on this thread but I feel guilty if I post and then don’t respond for days. Does anyone else give themselves a hard time over EVERYTHING??

Eating disorders are truly shit and lonely. Sending you all loads of love xx

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Hey all, I hope everyone’s doing as ok as can be.

I have a stupid question/thought process. Going through bulimia is quite distressing. I don’t want to say traumatic, because I know that has a very specific and serious meaning.

But I don’t think it’s acknowledged enough how upsetting it is to have done that to yourself.

I was 12 years old and for no good reason making myself ill. I told this to a therapist (later, as an adult) and it was like talking to a wall.

I just needed somewhere to talk about how that’s not normal for a kid and how the entire physical and thought processes could be upsetting. All the therapist ever said was “have you spoken to your family about this?”.

 

[WhatABore]

I think everyone on this thread is so brave to open up about their struggles!
One thing I would mention is that having family members comment on your weight/size is a very significant catalyst/contributor of disordered eating and body image. This also includes family members who have commented on how much you’re eating, what you’re eating, etc.
So part of the counselling process would be to unpack that and address how that has contributed to where you find yourself now.

I totally resonate with the body checking behaviours like pinching parts of your body, that’s always been a big issue for me too! But part of learning to improve my body image involved learning that the more I grab, punch, check or monitor my body by performing these behaviours, the more I end up over-scrutinising it and always finding fault.
There are some really great resources online to help improve things for you, and you can absolutely live the life you want without this being the main thing you think about every day! One of the best starting points can be to delete/unfollow social media that is making you feel worse and start curating your feed to include lots of support accounts, body positive accounts and nutrition debunking accounts.

This was the main cause with my eating disorders as from the age of 6, my mum would weigh me weekly and tell me off if I gained weight.
And then I'd come home from school and she'd put bags of sweets, chocolates and crisps on my bed. And then comment on how much I'd eaten.
And then again, tell me off for gaining weight.
This went on until I was 14 when I moved out and in with my Dad!
Along with my own grandad telling me weekly that "Each week you look more and more like a barrel"
Mum joined me up at weight watchers when I was 9 and made me go to weekly weigh ins with her. And then would tell me off infront of the people there for gaining weight

 

[smooth_operator33]

Yesterday wasn’t great. Learning to move on without days of guilt and repeat behaviours.
[/QUOTE]

i’ve been really quite good recently, i just unexpectedly came on my period this week (i’m on the pill and was mid pack) but i think it’s due to stress from university work
body feels all fluffy and bloated but just layering up and staying intuitive - major urges to track my calories tho and i’ve not done this in months…🫤

 

[Carapop]

I’m waiting for an assessment with a psychiatric hospital after my GP referred me to their eating disorder program. I tried explaining to a family member what was happening and was told to just “look in the mirror and give yourself a good talking to” along with “just eat more”.

The hospital want me to provide details of someone close to me that they can include in my care. I honestly don’t have anyone. The irony is that my obsession with controlling my intake has taken over my life to such an extent that I haven’t been able to establish or retain any kind of relationship. It’s all consuming. it’s quite clever like that really isn’t it. Makes you entirely dependent on it like a gaslighting abusive partner.

clearly I have no advice! But love to all my fellow sufferers

 

[BelleAmie]

I’m an overeater. I binge eat and comfort eat. I’d think nothing of going into a shop, buying lots of food and eating it in one go.
For me it’s about control and comfort. I also suffer with Intrusive thoughts, OCD and I’ve self-harmed in the past.
I’ve kept my overeating a secret for many years. In fact - nobody is aware. I am overweight (16 stone).

It’s like the only thing I have control over is overeating. My own comfort, I feel safe and secure.

I’m not sure how to overcome it to be honest. It’s been a battle for many years.

I relate to this so much - I joke about being a ‘secret shame eater’ but it’s actually quite a problem. I also struggle with intrusive thoughts and OCD and having control over food.
Sending you, and everyone else in this thread, a huge hug

Thank you for this and to all the others offering support.

@Sideboard Bob .. thanks for reassuring me but I know what it looked like. I have stayed away and from F&D because I don’t want to be the one to be tiptoed around. This thing isolated me in real life and now I feel my life is shrinking even more.

Being here, downloading fitness apps, loading ridiculous numbers into MFP for the week ahead, recovery feels a million miles away. How can we go from being OK to being in the depths of this again?

Please don’t read ahead if badly triggered

I was reading on the Selling Sunset thread and there were comments on Emma and a picture of Chrishelle’s arm. Mine used to look like that and all I can think now is how to get back to that place. I know that is so wrong but there is no point (and we can’t really afford it at the moment) going to therapy if I want to restrict and continue to use exercise in this way.

Maybe tomorrow will be brighter, maybe this is tiredness from doing too much, no sleep from
an ill dog () and irrational thoughts taking over.

In terms of the mirror, totally. Who is that person mainly.

Sorry for dumping this.

Please don’t apologise, I’m glad that there is somewhere for people to voice how they feel, particularly when it’s things you might not want to share with our friends and family in ‘real life’. I wish I had something helpful to say but unfortunately I’m in the same boat. Sending love x

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I didn’t reply. What a twat.

Hope everyone is ok.

I meant to reply and tell you that you don’t have to reply! So I’ll join you in the twat corner


Seriously though, I hope you’re (and everyone else) is doing ok X

 

[CazLovesCakes]

I’m a bit busy right now but I will try to find time to check your channel during the weekend! How brave of you to open up to your audience, it’s so important for many people (myself included) to know they are not alone.

Thank you. It Took me a while to take the plunge (especially as I worry my neighbours, etc) might find it! But I feel that those of us who are older, or have had an ED for many years can be almost written off and that makes me both sad and angry. Apologies to everyone for breaking the rules - I will try not to do that again.

Moving on, even professional athletes take rest days. Breaking an exercise addiction is so hard, but huge respect to everyone who is trying to work on this right now.

 

[embee1106]

What you’re going through is so tough, and it sounds like you’re really stuck in a restriction cycle (been there many times!).

Calorie calculating can be a misleading in itself- the apps and counting methods we use are only an estimate, and the amount of calories we burn through per day just existing (eg. Breathing, digesting, heart beating, cell production) is well over the amount you’re consuming. It can be really confusing trying to figure out how much to eat without taking into account the energy needs of the body outside of what we’re burning through exercise.

So I’d say that the days you’re having where you’re trying to eat very little are one of the biggest contributors to how hungry and out of control you feel after, because your body is going into survival mode in an attempt to regain some of the energy it requires just to function.

Berating yourself and calling yourself an idiot (which I am so guilty of doing at times too) is unhelpful here and it’s only going to exacerbate how difficult this situation is for you. I’d really highly recommend checking out some social media accounts that can give you an insight into what your body needs and how you can break out of this cycle. Ben Carpenter is a really good person to start with to give you some education on this! Sending big hugs, you’re not alone x

Just letting off steam, no need to reply.

Spoiler: Big old rant

I just need to let off some steam and needed to write down my thoughts.
I’ve been injured for almost three months so can’t run or exercise like normal and this is sending me off it. I have been in this situation before but ran through it(which ended in a very expensive course of treatment). The lack of control and constant pain is turning me into a horrid person. I am spending all my free time calculating stuff on MFP, working out how little I can eat. I go a few days eating 500/600 calories and then am so hungry, eat a huge pot of fat free yoghurt or healthy ice cream (because that’s ok isn’t it). I’m such a fucking mess. I’m 42. I have no idea how to be an adult about this, my wife is struggling at work and I’m being the biggest self- indulgent idiot with all this shite. It needs to stop. I need to stop. I can’t. I can’t focus on anything but food. All I think about at work is is how calories the members are eating or how many I am burning. This is horrendous.

Apologies.

 

[Agent Cooper]

So sorry you are feeling this way. This is such a shit way to live. There is no other way to put it and there is nothing I can say to make you change your mind. Just know we are here and are listening when things are bad.

We are told by those who are around us that what we see in the mirror isn’t what others see, but that doesn’t help does it? That won’t change our contorted view of our bodies. It won’t change the endless arguments in our heads or the fact that we do things in private to feel in control.

sending . Hopefully tomorrow might be a bit brighter. If not, we are here.

Thank you Just knowing I can talk to you guys on here makes me feel better x

Nice to see this. Wondering if anyone can relate to me..
I’ve been in recovery ten years and don’t struggle with calories or food much anymore but still struggle with the idea of not being thin and have never allowed myself to gain weight above a certain set point a few pounds into the ‘healthy’ range cos i identify too much with looking thin (as in, it takes up most of my identity, sad I know). In the early years of recovery it never came up but never wouldve thought id still be here 10 years on!

I have a similar problem even though I’ve never been what is traditionally seen as ‘thin’? I’m a size 10, have been since I was around 12. It actually really triggers me when people talk about ‘teenage thinness’ because I was never thin as a teenager, even when I starved myself. My body shape is what they call an hourglass so I also look ‘curvier’ compared to people who weigh the same but have a different body shape. It’s caused me so much stress and dissatisfaction in my life. Have you noticed what makes you focus on your size so much? Do you think being a certain size makes you seem more ‘desirable’ or ‘successful’? Because essentially our bodies are just houses we live in, they are not our whole personality, and there are many things about them that we don’t get to choose: height, skin, hair and eye colour, shoe size, genetic predisposition to be a certain shape…These characteristics are neither our accomplishment nor out fault, and at the end of the day character traits mean so much more than our looks.

These are just my thoughts, and I know how hard it is to change your mindset even if you know it’s just your ED speaking and not the truth. I’m sorry to hear you are struggling, here is a big hug for you 🫂

 

[embee1106]

Oh god, I’m so sorry that’s been your experience! That is really terrible. I think, in particular, there are a lot of kids of the 90s and early 2000s whose parents (even though I’m sure they were trying their best and it was in line with the culture at the time) did so much damage. These stories are super common amongst people I speak to about this.

This was the main cause with my eating disorders as from the age of 6, my mum would weigh me weekly and tell me off if I gained weight.
And then I'd come home from school and she'd put bags of sweets, chocolates and crisps on my bed. And then comment on how much I'd eaten.
And then again, tell me off for gaining weight.
This went on until I was 14 when I moved out and in with my Dad!
Along with my own grandad telling me weekly that "Each week you look more and more like a barrel"
Mum joined me up at weight watchers when I was 9 and made me go to weekly weigh ins with her. And then would tell me off infront of the people there for gaining weight

Also, full disclosure, I work as a nutritionist specialising in disordered eating/body image but also got into it because of wanting to heal my own struggles with an ED and very negative body image, which is still very much a work in progress but a hundred times better than it used to be!
Literally every single one of my clients has a history of parents putting them on diets, commenting on their bodies and shaming them if they gain weight. I think, up until more recently, diet culture really encouraged that sort of thing and made it normal.

This was the main cause with my eating disorders as from the age of 6, my mum would weigh me weekly and tell me off if I gained weight.
And then I'd come home from school and she'd put bags of sweets, chocolates and crisps on my bed. And then comment on how much I'd eaten.
And then again, tell me off for gaining weight.
This went on until I was 14 when I moved out and in with my Dad!
Along with my own grandad telling me weekly that "Each week you look more and more like a barrel"
Mum joined me up at weight watchers when I was 9 and made me go to weekly weigh ins with her. And then would tell me off infront of the people there for gaining weight

 

[instanonsense]

Thank you for starting a thread. I haven’t got time to write my story but I have had an eating disorder for more years than I haven’t. You probably already follow megsy_recovery on Instagram and YouTube but if you don’t you really should. She has helped me more than anything else. She’s not stuck in quasi recovery either which I find a lot of people are. I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover but I’m not going to give up trying!

 

[Agent Cooper]

I’m a bit behind on this thread but I just wanted to send some love to everyone on this thread You are not alone and please never forget that things can get better no matter how impossible it might seem. I was in hell earlier this year, and while I’m not quite in remission now, I am finally able to keep my head above water and maintain a more or less stable public persona. I’ve also made new friends that try to support me in my ED struggles. I never thought I would get to this point but here I am. EDs suck but we’re all so much more than our diagnoses.

 

[zetta buttons]

It’s so helpful (I don’t know if helpful is the right word) to have people that understand here. Yesterday was awful at work for my wife. She was in tears by 8am. She wanted to go out for a meal (which I agreed to) but by the time she got home I had negotiated a meal cooked by me and a tub of ice cream. Total controlling behaviour. We book to go out and then cancel. Her life has been ruined by this too.

I know the awareness is improving but I just don’t think people have any understanding of how all-consuming it is. They think it is self-indulgent and at times I accuse myself of this. It’s a cycle of hatred.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I’m another one who has struggled with ED’s (AN, BN & Binge eating). I gained a lot of weight after being put on a medication that buggered my thyroid and have been trying to lose the weight I gained in the healthiest way possible. But I’m trying to challenge 20 years of ED behaviours.

It’s hard. I’ve struggled this week. but today I have managed so far even with extreme hunger.

I can relate to this, it’s SO hard. It’s like our brains have become wired differently, so the idea of losing weight in a “normal, healthy” way (whatever that means), is such an alien concept. I’m so sorry you’re struggling.

I feel so guilty. The last few days have been a write off. I hate myself for letting it go like this.

I know it is because I went back to trying to restrict after covid and running too much and basically doing the stuff I shouldn’t.

At this point, I want to be able to Limit what I eat like I used to and run for hours like I used to just do I could get as small as I was.
I know that isn’t healthy but this has to stop.

Please don’t feel guilty, if anyone else told you they were going through what you are, you would remind them that it’s not their own fault, but because of a cruel mental illness.
It‘s so hard knowing deep down it’s not healthy, but yet knowing that isn’t enough, the internal conflict is exhausting. I really hope you can see that you do very much deserve some help.


Sending solidarity and hope to everyone here x

 

[Sideboard Bob]

ETA- just a question. Sometimes I find it really hard to be on here and on SM when people discuss what they have eaten/are eating/make out that they deserve food because they have done a certain amount of exercise/can eat more because they have eaten less earlier on. I know this is on me but when part of recovery is to enjoy food and not feel the need to earn it or restrict, it is so hard not to be challenged by these discussions. Does anyone else find this or am I being too sensitive?

I get that too. I know logically it’s on me, like you said. But it is hard. The unwell part of my brain loves to jump on anything like that, so it can “prove” I should think that way. It’s something I really struggle with, I’ll spend hours online finding proof that my body is somehow wrong, it’s so stupid, such a waste of time, and it just makes me feel so ashamed.

I hope this makes sense, a bit tired and not able to explain myself very well!

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Spoiler: Off topic

Ah I just realised what you mean about that thread

Your response was so graceful, I didn’t know what to say. I don’t think anyone feels they need to tiptoe around you, but I do get it.

But the fact that it was asked, totally innocently, if anyone minds triggering topics, made it hard for anyone to answer honestly if they did mind. I had to bite my tongue because I wanted to say, “well yes, you know it’s hard for other people and there’s a whole other thread for that topic so maybe that would be better?”.

Thankfully you and others responded in a more thoughtful and mature way. I know it’s more a “me problem” than a “them problem” though.

But you’re missed there, it’s meant to be a non-triggering space for everyone x

It’s so difficult isn’t it? Like others were saying, seeing triggers everywhere (SS), on SM, means that it is hard to get away from it. My MIL is deep in SW culture and my manager is obsessed with weight and sizing.

It is on us, we are the ones with the ED, but when it creeps into the threads we enjoy being on (and there are designated WL and SW threads for people to go to) it becomes hard.

Is there an answer? I know with the calorie stuff on menus people are becoming more understanding, but there is still a long way to go.

Hoping everyone has as a good a day as possible.

 

[smooth_operator33]

currently on holiday and feeling a bit poop about how i look at home i was feeling so confident and happy but as soon as i’ve come away it’s just gone
i’m managing to eat well, not over restrict or absolutely go wild so i guess that’s a win
we’re having a group gym session later which might perk me up a bit