It’s so helpful to hear all your stories. I just feel like I am going deeper and deeper into a hole. The place where I volunteer is (due to lack of a manager and me essentially taking on that role and managing young, inexperienced trainees) really stressful and that is having a huge impact on food and exercise.
I am so tired from work and can’t even begin to express what I feel just . I can’t live like this forever. I can’t count every calorie for the next 40 years and run every single one off, I just can’t.
I know it’s so dangerous and life threatening and heartbreaking to experience but sometimes it’s the only coping mechanism on which one can rely and if it’s allowing you to brave another day then it’s better than the alternative. Can you do anything to keep yourself safe? If you can’t entirely avoid the behaviours right now then maybe there’s a way to minimise the harm they might cause? And you do care, darling. If you didn’t care you wouldn’t have shared. There’s a part of you that cares very much. Do what you can to keep that part going and sharing x
I understand. While I wasn’t just saying that to make you feel better, I don’t mean to downplay how it must have felt for you.
I can relate to feeling isolated, I’m trying so hard to not go back to ED behaviours but because I’ve been so depressed my mind has just found other “self destructive” things, like rejecting anything good in life and avoiding family and friends x
Oh, sorry, I know you weren’t downplaying it. I just know when I look like an idiot and I had a feeling that was a time when I came across like a massive one.
So sorry things aren’t good for you either. I see your posts and you are always so upbeat, but I suppose we can hide a million things with our posts. Remember, I am always here, lurking, trying not to be an idiot, trying to get through each day. Sending huge hugs Bob xxx
Hi, just want to say I'm so happy that I've found this thread. I've been really struggling with eating for quite a long time. I'm now starting to get deficiencies and my health professional are really getting on to me which is really triggering me. They've put me on Fortisips and I'm meant to be drinking 4 a day but that feels impossible. I can only manage the 1 but even that makes me feel guilty drinking it. Anyone else on Fortisips and how do you manage to drink them? I can't pick up the courage at all and my fridge is full of them. Hugs to everyone struggling. It's a really hard battle to defeat.
I totally resonate with the body checking behaviours like pinching parts of your body, that’s always been a big issue for me too! But part of learning to improve my body image involved learning that the more I grab, punch, check or monitor my body by performing these behaviours, the more I end up over-scrutinising it and always finding fault.
You’re exactly right with this. Even if a photo looks ok, or I can feel my hip bones, or I can’t pinch something as much today…I’ll just find something else that doesn’t feel as ‘small’ as yesterday.
It’s comforting yet also really upsetting to know there are lots of us with these issues
How are you all dealing with the calories on menus now? I constantly find myself changing what I want because of it. Always find myself going for the lowest option, even if it’s someone I don’t even like
I can vividly remember my grandparents making me and my cousin stand next to each other and comparing our sizes. Then the next time I saw them they said they’d give me 50p for every pound I lost and they’d weigh me each week.
Oh gosh it is so funny you post that today. I was just scolding my friend for complaining about her tummy when she is so fit and very healthy, it’s just a tummy, and it will help insulate her for winter. And she pointed out the irony of my saying that. I’m starting inpatient treatment for anorexia tomorrow. Why can’t we ever treat ourselves with the same kindness, compassion and god Damn logic!?
It’s hard because for a lot of us, this way of thinking is so ingrained and deep-rooted.
I’ve tried so many tines to change the way I think, it’s only this time it’s ”clicked”.
I think it’s because I’ve been feeling a lot of feminist rage recently, so I thought “why do I hold myself up to these insane standards that I don’t even agree with?”
Good on you for calling out your friend, in what sounds like a really kind and reasonable way.
I’m wishing you all the best for tomorrow @Carapop , and onwards. You got this X
Thank you for your sweet words AC!
I wish you didn’t know what it’s like, but it helps that other people understand. You’re so right that it’s not easy, I was shaking before I made that phone call.
Please don’t worry about replying I really hope YOU are doing ok though.
To be honest I don’t know how I’ll be tomorrow, but hopefully in a couple of weeks I’ll be off these nightmare antidepressants and be able to try another kind that doesn’t send me spiralling.
Thank you! I’m as okay as can be, I guess. Still have ups and downs but I try to distract myself as much as I can.
You are so strong and I admire that Do you think it is possible for you to change your medication to something that still works but does not affect your weight? Maybe you could mention it to your doctor during your next appointment. There are quite a lot of options these days so hopefully you can find something that works best with as few side effects as possible
I've been thinking of joining one of the ED equivalent groups to AA - searching on Google there seem to be a few options, Addictive Eaters Anonymous, ED Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous etc. I joined a trigger warning rape peer support group this year, having done group therapy for the first time last year, and this peer support group is truly the best thing I have ever done for myself. I don't have words for what it has meant to find solidarity, compassion, and kindness among others. I have been eating disordered for over two decades now, what I've been doing hasn't worked, so I think it's time to try something different. Bit trepidatious because my current support group are so incredible, I feel like the eating one may not be as perfect for me but....even just trying is a step.
Has anyone else joined any kind of eating anonymous support groups? I really want to attend in person, my current one is mainly in person and it makes such a difference, the online meetings are just not the same. The group therapy I did was online and I really struggled to engage and connect with it.
I was part of the online pro-ana community from 1999, and it was a huge part of my life. I made real life friendships, went to (on reflection, somewhat odd) meetups etc. Various dramas happened, forums got closed, I stopped logging in and then forgot my details, but I remained in touch with one girl I had become friends with. At one point we were living in the same city and flat hunting to live together. Our lives and illnesses went in different trajectories and we fell out of touch. Every now and again I would look her up and think should I get back in touch, but was always held back - mainly by the fact that, when we were in real life together I was at the 'peak' of my anorexia. I had since ended up more of a normal weight and I felt too ashamed to see her, and felt like she was probably doing 'better' (see, 'iller') than me.
I looked her up today, for no particular reason, and found her obituary. She passed away a year ago. There was an outpouring of love and sadnesss on the post about her passing, hundreds of people saying lovely things. I'm so sad that she didn't make it, I'm so sad she never got any help that helped her, I'm so sad that she doesn't see the outpouring of love for her and for who she was, I'm so sad for the loneliness and illness she experienced, I'm so sad I never reached out, and I'm so sad that this link to my past is gone.
I have been crying on and off all day. I feel such an ache for both of us, for the young, lonely, ill girls we were, for the world we inhabited of obsession and self-hatred and control and drugs and alcohol and isolation, for the impact it all had on our lives. For how lost we were, that she stayed lost, and that now she is gone. She is just gone.
I've been struggling with my ED a LOT the last 15 months and with suicidal ideation for the last couple of years. When things like this happen, I feel like the world thinks I am supposed to 'wake up' and see things differently, to see what we all wish she saw from her passing, that it will flick the switch in my head. But it doesn't fix things like that, at all. I am very glad I am seeing my therapist on Tuesday, my group on Wednesday, and that I'm working from home so can cry to myself when I need to.
So sorry for your friend and for you- for your loss .
I haven’t had any experience of those groups (really I am only early stages of admitting my problems ) and the help up here is woefully lacking. The therapists don’t seem to specialise in ED and there aren’t any eating groups near me.
I think if it would help just to talk, I would advise you going before taking further steps. It might help discuss the issues surrounding loss- there could be other people in your situation there.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I am back where I was 3 years ago. I am almost back to that size (not really small when I was barely eating) where I can notice things that I shouldn’t. Which I am glad about, obviously. My exercise amount is starting to increase to a stupid amount again and although I eat more sensibly, I do much more walking and physical stuff volunteering than I did when I was working. All this adds up to me being really hungry which ends in me inevitably having binges.
Thank you, you are so kind! I’m not in a very good place right now, lost my job due to the pandemic and haven’t been able to get another one for a while. I study full time so finding something that works with my schedule is almost impossible. It bothers me so much. It also leads me to compare myself to people my age who do have a job, and then I go from general comparisons to body comparisons and it makes me feel terrible. I feel like such a failure even though I have little control over the situation.
And please don’t feel any pressure to post when you are not feeling it! I know what you mean about not having the mental capacity, I get it too so I just lurk for days before going back to posting. On this thread, we are here for each other anyway x
So sorry you are feeling this way. This is such a shit way to live. There is no other way to put it and there is nothing I can say to make you change your mind. Just know we are here and are listening when things are bad.
We are told by those who are around us that what we see in the mirror isn’t what others see, but that doesn’t help does it? That won’t change our contorted view of our bodies. It won’t change the endless arguments in our heads or the fact that we do things in private to feel in control.
sending . Hopefully tomorrow might be a bit brighter. If not, we are here.
Been thinking of people here. Things aren’t great. Work’s been shit and the really bad habits are back. I can’t even talk on the phone to my mum because my mind is too preoccupied. Wife is 50/50 angry and worried. I’m on my own until 7 or 8 so behaviours run rampant. I have no energy or desire to curb them because they are making the work situation better. I know where this ends. I don’t care atm.
Oh gosh I’m so so sorry.
I don’t even know what to say. We care. You are so worth caring for.
Please keep talking here if you like? We’re here for you X
Summer is almost here and I’m struggling with lighter clothing. Everyone is wearing crop tops and mini skirts but there is no way I could dress like this and feel confident/comfortable. Whenever I wear something like that, I just end up comparing myself to other women and feel bad about myself. I eat so little, exercise so much and see absolutely no result. I know comparison is the thief of joy and all that…but it doesn’t help me much. Any words of advice?
update - we didn’t go to the gym but a back story - our luggage had to get left at the airport we took off from so i think i was feeling some anxiety around that which was triggering a few other things. feeling much better now we have our cases
still not been to the gym and tbh don’t really fancy it. i’m doing lots of swimming and walking so my mind is somewhat settled
I’m sorry to hear you had these negative thoughts during your holiday I am glad you were able to get your mind off them though, well done! Swimming is actually lots of fun and very good for your body and your mind. It counts as exercise, too, and you absolutely don’t have to go to the gym unless you really want to x
All this healthy lifestyle thing is only good for you as long as it’s a personal choice and not an obsession. I have mild orthorexia so I learned it the hard way.
yeh i was suspected with orthorexia too with an exercise obsession lol
im on day three of no working out and it’s really getting to me. I woke up at 6am RAVENOUS so i’ve had some yogurt with fruit and nuts
i have work at 9-6 and going to take a walk at lunch. I have also stopped wearing my apple watch which is causing some anxiety because idk how many steps i’ve done etc - it’s probably good for me.
i think the anxiety is stemming from my university work - i have one assignment left and it’s causing so much stress and that’s triggering a multitude of things… i can’t wait for it all to be over
I've been thinking of joining one of the ED equivalent groups to AA - searching on Google there seem to be a few options, Addictive Eaters Anonymous, ED Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous etc. I joined a trigger warning rape peer support group this year, having done group therapy for the first time last year, and this peer support group is truly the best thing I have ever done for myself. I don't have words for what it has meant to find solidarity, compassion, and kindness among others. I have been eating disordered for over two decades now, what I've been doing hasn't worked, so I think it's time to try something different. Bit trepidatious because my current support group are so incredible, I feel like the eating one may not be as perfect for me but....even just trying is a step.
Has anyone else joined any kind of eating anonymous support groups? I really want to attend in person, my current one is mainly in person and it makes such a difference, the online meetings are just not the same. The group therapy I did was online and I really struggled to engage and connect with it.
I was part of the online pro-ana community from 1999, and it was a huge part of my life. I made real life friendships, went to (on reflection, somewhat odd) meetups etc. Various dramas happened, forums got closed, I stopped logging in and then forgot my details, but I remained in touch with one girl I had become friends with. At one point we were living in the same city and flat hunting to live together. Our lives and illnesses went in different trajectories and we fell out of touch. Every now and again I would look her up and think should I get back in touch, but was always held back - mainly by the fact that, when we were in real life together I was at the 'peak' of my anorexia. I had since ended up more of a normal weight and I felt too ashamed to see her, and felt like she was probably doing 'better' (see, 'iller') than me.
I looked her up today, for no particular reason, and found her obituary. She passed away a year ago. There was an outpouring of love and sadnesss on the post about her passing, hundreds of people saying lovely things. I'm so sad that she didn't make it, I'm so sad she never got any help that helped her, I'm so sad that she doesn't see the outpouring of love for her and for who she was, I'm so sad for the loneliness and illness she experienced, I'm so sad I never reached out, and I'm so sad that this link to my past is gone.
I have been crying on and off all day. I feel such an ache for both of us, for the young, lonely, ill girls we were, for the world we inhabited of obsession and self-hatred and control and drugs and alcohol and isolation, for the impact it all had on our lives. For how lost we were, that she stayed lost, and that now she is gone. She is just gone.
I've been struggling with my ED a LOT the last 15 months and with suicidal ideation for the last couple of years. When things like this happen, I feel like the world thinks I am supposed to 'wake up' and see things differently, to see what we all wish she saw from her passing, that it will flick the switch in my head. But it doesn't fix things like that, at all. I am very glad I am seeing my therapist on Tuesday, my group on Wednesday, and that I'm working from home so can cry to myself when I need to.
I don't have any advice but didn't want to read and run.
I'm sorry that happened
Easier said than done, but don't spend all your time beating yourself up for not contacting them. Even if you had reached out, you'd still be full of what ifs
I have a stupid question/thought process. Going through bulimia is quite distressing. I don’t want to say traumatic, because I know that has a very specific and serious meaning.
But I don’t think it’s acknowledged enough how upsetting it is to have done that to yourself.
I was 12 years old and for no good reason making myself ill. I told this to a therapist (later, as an adult) and it was like talking to a wall.
I just needed somewhere to talk about how that’s not normal for a kid and how the entire physical and thought processes could be upsetting. All the therapist ever said was “have you spoken to your family about this?”.
Oh Bob, I feel terrible for only seeing this now so please forgive me. I’m so sorry you went through this and did not get the support you needed. That therapist sound rubbish, so unprofessional! Your feelings are absolutely valid, and if you say it was traumatic, it was traumatic. We all process things differently, and just because someone has it worse than you does not mean you’re an imposter.
Have you been able to find a better therapist to talk it through? Sending good thoughts your way, I sincerely hope you are doing fine
Evening all. I didn’t know about this thread so just going to dump this out of my head. I’m in the absolute grips of my ED at the minute and i’ve just been ruminating on how unfair it all is. I accept that I think about food differently to other people and I am way past anger and jealousy about it but I feel like a toddler at the moment and I want to rage about it knowing it can’t be fixed. I just want someone to not intervene and help me but to equally comfort me and validate this absolute bullshit that I think and do.
So due to reasons my child hasn’t been with me for some of xmas that i’d planned for so I paused all the xmas food when they went to their dad’s. I then ate (after 92hrs of no food) and was immediately unwell. They’re back now and I have to get all the food out again and I can’t bear it. I now haven’t eaten since then (54hrs ago) and all of the plans for this week have gone wonky so I can’t next eat anything until thursday which will be another long stretch which is fine but I have to break it at an event where what I eat will be monitored which is a pain. This period is super busy so I won’t have a day alone to eat how I like to (slowly and noting amounts) for over a week.
Also, just before I broke it on sunday I was feeling flutters in my chest and I worried that I would faint while I was out which would be hideous. It has made me think about how like when i’m old(er) I won’t be able to do this as it could kill me. There is so much context and history and comorbidity so blah blah this really makes no sense but sometimes i’m just really bloody fed up with this ridiculousness.
Please please don’t be so hard on yourself. ED can really mess with you so you don’t know what you are doing anymore. It’s not you, so please don’t blame yourself.
Is there any ‘safe’ food that you can have without feeling bad about it? In any case, try to take things slow and be easy on yourself. It’s not your fault and you are only trying to do your best.
How is everyone? Mixed here. MH is going much better which can only be a good thing but
that means that the bingeing has pretty much stopped. For the first time in years (even when I was exercising for 6 hours a day and didn’t eat until night (alone), it was a binge on museli and grapes.)
Now I am eating normally and exercising normally again. That has had a knock on effect on body stuff because I am no longer eating 3 packs of hot cross buns, twelve Twixs and the rest a day. The old “if you just do this for x days you will be able to look like this” is creeping in. Well head, head that wants to go out for supper and wear the clothes I have says STFU. Old head says “wouldn’t it be nice if those clothes looked baggier?, baggy is good, baggy clothes make you look ill and frail” old head also is trying repeatedly to get me to run more and more each day .
We are also having a battle with the calorie counter on the coros watch.
(
The trajectory is definitely upwards but at the pace of a snail.
We need to chat before Thursday, I think the weekend might be challenging. We have a student street party that has had 2000 students respond “yes”‘to on our street. If I can get through that then .
Hi all,
Just reaching out for a bit of advice and support.
I have body dysmorphia, diagnosed properly last year. Been single for 10 years due to problems with my self image.
Just started a very new relationship only in the second month and I’m struggling as he isn’t the most complimentary about my looks or so I think!
I’m sure before he told me I have an amazing body but I can’t remember if he did. He says seeing my face cheers him up but never really calls me beautiful or anything
Am I expecting too much because of my BDD? Am I needing too much reassurance? He compliments my personality all the time and he is quite hands on when we are together. He just never really calls me things like gorgeous or beautiful! I asked early on if he’s attracted to me and he said yes
He has ADHD and anxiety so I wonder if he’s shy?
Appreciate talking it through x
Thank you Just knowing I can talk to you guys on here makes me feel better x
I have a similar problem even though I’ve never been what is traditionally seen as ‘thin’? I’m a size 10, have been since I was around 12. It actually really triggers me when people talk about ‘teenage thinness’ because I was never thin as a teenager, even when I starved myself. My body shape is what they call an hourglass so I also look ‘curvier’ compared to people who weigh the same but have a different body shape. It’s caused me so much stress and dissatisfaction in my life. Have you noticed what makes you focus on your size so much? Do you think being a certain size makes you seem more ‘desirable’ or ‘successful’? Because essentially our bodies are just houses we live in, they are not our whole personality, and there are many things about them that we don’t get to choose: height, skin, hair and eye colour, shoe size, genetic predisposition to be a certain shape…These characteristics are neither our accomplishment nor out fault, and at the end of the day character traits mean so much more than our looks.
These are just my thoughts, and I know how hard it is to change your mindset even if you know it’s just your ED speaking and not the truth. I’m sorry to hear you are struggling, here is a big hug for you 🫂
You’re right about our bodies being a house we live in or a shell for our souls, I’ve tried so hard to focus on other more important things about myself as its like punishing yourself for having size 6 feet rather than size 5.
For me it’s always been about 1) feeling safe and 2) seeing being thin as a success (sth that I took on as a child). I have been and I guess am successful in other areas of my life, career, relationship, independence but my thin success trumps all. Maybe others can relate but even though I know it doesn’t mean success or safety in reality, it’s such a deep seated belief. Like even if everything goes wrong in my life, I’ll still have being thin.
That being said, I’ve made lots of progress with food. I no longer have fear foods and can eat what I fancy (generally). I don’t calorie count and can eat at restaurants no problem, which I hope provides some hope that things can change (I didn’t believe it ever would)
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. I can’t live like this forever. I can’t count every calorie for the next 40 years and run every single one off, I just can’t.
I’m not in a very good place right now, lost my job due to the pandemic and haven’t been able to get another one for a while. I study full time so finding something that works with my schedule is almost impossible. It bothers me so much. It also leads me to compare myself to people my age who do have a job, and then I go from general comparisons to body comparisons and it makes me feel terrible. I feel like such a failure even though I have little control over the situation.
I am glad you were able to get your mind off them though, well done! Swimming is actually lots of fun and very good for your body and your mind. It counts as exercise, too, and you absolutely don’t have to go to the gym unless you really want to x
.
Just knowing I can talk to you guys on here makes me feel better x