Body Image Issues & ED Support Thread

[TokenBlinkie]

Trigger warning for just about everything, I think.

Fat, Ex-Anorexic here.
I became very ill due to Anorexia, a long time ago. It was a gradual thing, the more my breasts grew, the more I exercised and the less I ate, because my schoolgirl self decided that would make them smaller.

I'm now a middle aged, married woman with children. I'm massively overweight and working in an industry where Fat People are not the norm, but there are a few of us. It still has a long way to go before my industry properly accepts and acknowledges fat people, in my opinion.

I eat much less calories than is safe. I weigh myself every day, because it gives me a sense of control and the only thing that comforts me is knowing that because I'm so Fat, I have lots of time to carry on with this before people might start to notice my body changing.

The ironic thing is, people will probably praise me for the weightloss when they do notice it, yet, a few decades ago I'd have been thought bad of for losing weight.

I must still have an anorexic brain, even though the outside is the complete opposite.

 

[zetta buttons]

Just popping on to say hello, to all those who are struggling right now. How are things with the stuff you mentioned upthread sidey B?

In the middle of a big dip. Not really up to talking about it, but each day is a becoming a battle again.

Sorry that the things people say are so hurtful. At the time, it feels deliberate and malicious, particularly in the moment. But I think we are coming from different places. We are coming from a place of disorder and irrationality, they aren’t and can’t see that what they say may be hurtful. That isn’t to say what is being said isn’t wrong or insensitive- it is, but they might not understand the extent to which it is. I hope this comes across ok. I’m not defending anyone, just trying to rationalise because…

We had a huge argument about something that was said off the cuff last weekend (about the calories in Halo Top ice cream and what they equated to). I went flying off the handle, screamed and cried and put washing up liquid in the rest of the pot to stop myself eating it. As you can imagine, that went down like a lead balloon. Food wise since then, things have gone from bad to worse.

 

[Agent Cooper]

Does anyone else find social media and pop culture especially triggering? I’m okay in my daily life, but sometimes you just see a picture on Instagram or watch a movie that is all about the importance of being beautiful and thin, and it really gives you all the wrong thoughts. At least I’m an adult, hate to think how dangerous it can be for teenagers

What a lovely supportive thread. I've had Anorexia for a few decades now and no one realises how lonely and isolating it is I wish I could give all of you with eating disorders a big cuddle.

A big hug back

 

[Smell_my_cheese]

I can vividly remember my grandparents making me and my cousin stand next to each other and comparing our sizes. Then the next time I saw them they said they’d give me 50p for every pound I lost and they’d weigh me each week.

I was 8.

 

[soymilk]

it's been so comforting for me reading all of your posts, I've resonated with so many things that have been said. I've been fighting this for so long and although I'm physically better, mentally I'm all over the place atm - I've just been away for the weekend with a group of girls and everytime a pic was sent into the group chat I couldn't bare to open it because I knew I was going to see myself as a "fat mess". I feel ridiculous even typing that, a part of me knows that's not true but still, it's a thought that is embedded in my brain and I can't shift it!
Hoping everyone has a nice day and is kind to themselves

 

[zetta buttons]

I need to go to work but I just need to say hello to everyone and post this. It sums up what’s going on atm.

 

[Silver Linings]

Evening all. I didn’t know about this thread so just going to dump this out of my head. I’m in the absolute grips of my ED at the minute and i’ve just been ruminating on how unfair it all is. I accept that I think about food differently to other people and I am way past anger and jealousy about it but I feel like a toddler at the moment and I want to rage about it knowing it can’t be fixed. I just want someone to not intervene and help me but to equally comfort me and validate this absolute bullshit that I think and do.

Spoiler: Potential trigger.

So due to reasons my child hasn’t been with me for some of xmas that i’d planned for so I paused all the xmas food when they went to their dad’s. I then ate (after 92hrs of no food) and was immediately unwell. They’re back now and I have to get all the food out again and I can’t bear it. I now haven’t eaten since then (54hrs ago) and all of the plans for this week have gone wonky so I can’t next eat anything until thursday which will be another long stretch which is fine but I have to break it at an event where what I eat will be monitored which is a pain. This period is super busy so I won’t have a day alone to eat how I like to (slowly and noting amounts) for over a week.

Also, just before I broke it on sunday I was feeling flutters in my chest and I worried that I would faint while I was out which would be hideous. It has made me think about how like when i’m old(er) I won’t be able to do this as it could kill me. There is so much context and history and comorbidity so blah blah this really makes no sense but sometimes i’m just really bloody fed up with this ridiculousness.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

In a moment of clarity, when you look at our posts and see what behaviours we are carrying out and what thoughts lead to those behaviours it is heartbreaking. However, because these issues surround something that has to be taken in every day, is inconsequential and enjoyable to the majority of people and cannot be avoided, you can see why we aren’t understood.

Spoiler: Medical stuff

I am seeing a dr about my injury and when I told my mum about the fact had a report from another trust (which details stress fractures, low weight, loss of periods and a request for follow up which never happened ), she just was silent and then finally said “well, you shouldn’t have been running then should you?” I had no words.

I am so sorry the past two weeks have been crap. I am in no position to offer advice, just a handhold. . It’s rubbish, it really is. I can’t say more than that.

I’m glad you get those moments of clarity. Because I think sometimes you blame yourself too much.
I know we have to be careful to not blame anything negative about ourselves on a mental illness*, and use it as an excuse. But I feel like I “know” you well enough to know that you don’t do that.

As you’ve pointed out, it really takes over. At the times when I’ve been at my worst with EDs I’ve felt like my mind was completely empty apart from the illness; and during a different time I felt like I was possessed (I know that sounds dramatic but I never knew how else to describe it). So when all that’s going on, it’s near impossible to be socially “normal”.

And like you said, some people just don’t understand that. But really its like it’s not your own thoughts and mind, because the illness can take that much of a hold.

*on tattle we see a lot of people who do seem to use mental health as a shield. But I honestly don’t think that applies to anyone on this thread. All I see is people really trying to get through each day, and caring so much about those around them.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I hope everyone’s doing ok. I have so much I want to talk about and empathise with others about, but my head isn’t in the right place just now, but something has been on my mind.

I genuinely think women can be beautiful as all shapes and sizes. I’m bisexual, and I prefer women, so this isn’t just a “you go girl” thing, I really do think women can be beautiful in so many ways.
But I can never see myself that way. I’d never, ever criticise (even internally), another woman who has a similar body type to mine. Does that make sense? it’s not even like I want to think I’m “hot”, it’s just this stupid illness is so cruel to myself, but I’m glad my “real” self still sees other people in a clear way.

 

[WhatABore]

It makes it so difficult with my partner too as he has always been an average weight.
He sees food as a boring chore he has to do.
And as someone who Binge eats and comfort eats, I just can't see how he could think that. It amazes me. That someone isn't thinking about food, calories, weight, 24/7.

He eats whatever he wants and usually, eats a lot more unhealthy than me, but I presume he had a super high metabolism because he just doesn't gain weight.

He's never had to diet in his life, he has no idea about calories, nothing.

Trying very hard to raise my 3 kids the way he was raised in the hopes they end up the same as him. But he was raised where he was allowed to eat whatever and he was in control of how much.
It is a very hard thing to get my head around and let go of that control and worry!

 

[zetta buttons]

In a moment of clarity, when you look at our posts and see what behaviours we are carrying out and what thoughts lead to those behaviours it is heartbreaking. However, because these issues surround something that has to be taken in every day, is inconsequential and enjoyable to the majority of people and cannot be avoided, you can see why we aren’t understood.

Spoiler: Medical stuff

I am seeing a dr about my injury and when I told my mum about the fact had a report from another trust (which details stress fractures, low weight, loss of periods and a request for follow up which never happened ), she just was silent and then finally said “well, you shouldn’t have been running then should you?” I had no words.

I am so sorry the past two weeks have been crap. I am in no position to offer advice, just a handhold. . It’s rubbish, it really is. I can’t say more than that.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Hope everyone is okay. It's so difficult for the outside world to truly understand having a ed. Getting asked to go out for meals and feeling crap declining because it's so difficult to explain why you just can't. I would never post my weight as it's not just a relevance to how a eating disorders is not about weight and I wouldn't want to trigger anyone who also has food and body issues. Cuddles to all who need them

Exactly. It is meaningless, as is size. Your feelings towards a certain weight and size can alter so in my mind that value is irrelevant. I also have found that my opinions are skewed (irrational is the wrong word I think) so what I think should not be expressed as it is probably even more troubling to read/hear. Regardless of what weight or size we are, we are all feeling this. ED are not discriminating.

What does matter is the absolute horror you are feeling about yourself, regardless of what other people say.

When we used to go on holiday, we packed all my food in case the things available weren’t safe. Now we don’t go away. We keep trying to go out for meals but I keep making excuses. How does this improve?

Sorry about your partner @WhatABore . I think this shows that they are trying to help, removing the trigger that is upsetting. But at the end of the day, the trigger is ourselves, our feelings. I don’t know what else to say.

ETA- just a question. Sometimes I find it really hard to be on here and on SM when people discuss what they have eaten/are eating/make out that they deserve food because they have done a certain amount of exercise/can eat more because they have eaten less earlier on. I know this is on me but when part of recovery is to enjoy food and not feel the need to earn it or restrict, it is so hard not to be challenged by these discussions. Does anyone else find this or am I being too sensitive?

 

[Agent Cooper]

Does anyone else ever get get so sick of seeing the same person in the mirror every day? I’m not sure if it’s self-hatred, it’s more of ‘Oh no, not you again’ thing. I feel like I separate myself from my body.

But I’m trying to challenge 20 years of ED behaviours.

It’s hard. I’ve struggled this week. but today I have managed so far even with extreme hunger.

I believe so much in you! You can do it 🤍

I feel so guilty. The last few days have been a write off. I hate myself for letting it go like this.

I know it is because I went back to trying to restrict after covid and running too much and basically doing the stuff I shouldn’t.

At this point, I want to be able to Limit what I eat like I used to and run for hours like I used to just do I could get as small as I was.
I know that isn’t healthy but this has to stop.

Please don’t feel guilty! It’s not you but your illness. I’m sure you are doing your best!

 

[zetta buttons]

I didn’t reply. What a twat.

Hope everyone is ok.

 

[WhatABore]

Been struggling quite a bit recently.

Popping behind a spoiler. Please don't read if you're sensitive to reading about EDs/talk of restricting ect


Been feeling awful with how I look. My partner has been doing the school run for the past 2 weeks because I every time I get ready to go, I just can't leave the house. I said to my partner that I can't bring myself to take the kids to school and them be associated with someone as disgusting as me

Been dealing with some stuff online too with a group of Women bullies. sending me messages on Instagram, comments made on here etc etc.
It's ridiculous but it's also making feel like I can't be outside and I can't even be online.

Because of that, I've just gone for the one thing I can control. Food.
Hardly eaten for the past 2 weeks. Probably barely been hitting 600 calories and that was on the good days.
I weighed myself on Friday and I had lost just over a stone in the 2 weeks (I have a lot to lose in general). And then of course, that made me feel good. So I continued restricting. Saturday I went out to a street fayre in a completely different town and I passed out. Luckily, my Mum was with us as I had the kids with me. That lead to me of course feeling awful for scaring them.
So I did the opposite and binged.
Then felt awful about that so forced it back up

I hate that I've got back to this point. I haven't done it for so long. But I also can't get myself out of it!

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Just popping on to say hello, to all those who are struggling right now. How are things with the stuff you mentioned upthread sidey B?

In the middle of a big dip. Not really up to talking about it, but each day is a becoming a battle again.

Sorry that the things people say are so hurtful. At the time, it feels deliberate and malicious, particularly in the moment. But I think we are coming from different places. We are coming from a place of disorder and irrationality, they aren’t and can’t see that what they say may be hurtful. That isn’t to say what is being said isn’t wrong or insensitive- it is, but they might not understand the extent to which it is. I hope this comes across ok. I’m not defending anyone, just trying to rationalise because…

We had a huge argument about something that was said off the cuff last weekend (about the calories in Halo Top ice cream and what they equated to). I went flying off the handle, screamed and cried and put washing up liquid in the rest of the pot to stop myself eating it. As you can imagine, that went down like a lead balloon. Food wise since then, things have gone from bad to worse.

I’m so sorry things are hard for you again

When you speak about these issues ZB, it really shows that it is an illness, and not your own way of thinking. Because you can look at it all rationally, objectively and understand what’s happening, but it still affects you. It’s not fair.

I had to stop taking the antidepressants, because they just made things worse, I was feeling triggered by my own body, and constantly on edge that I was going to engage in harmful behaviours again. So now I’m just trying to hang in there until I see the psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to see what he suggests.

I really hope things get better again for you soon. That goes for everyone here too.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I called the helpline, and the woman I spoke to was so kind with her advice and non-judgemental. I was so embarrassed to still be dealing with these issues and kept crying, but she was so patient.

I really hope everyone else is doing as ok as can be.

 

[Edrych]

I've always struggled with my weight!
First lock down I was exercising twice a day and enjoying eating healthy.
By the second one I wasn't leaving the flat and we were having take aways basically every other day. There was one weekend we had five!
I put on 3 stone and felt so miserable.
By chance I was listening to a podcast and the topic was EDs. I'd always assumed it was more about anorexia or bulimia but this episode was talking about Binge Eating and I was like shit that's me!
I got in touch with BEAT and they encouraged me to speak to my GP and had lots of really useful tools on how to talk to your GP about your ED and your loved ones. My GP referred me to a local ED charity and I did a 12 week CBT Programme with them.

Some of the exercises I didnt really like but the ones that helped the most were writing letters from my future self and then body checking in the mirror.

They base the training on the book "Overcoming Binge Eating" by Dr Christian G.Fairburn. (I tried to attach a PDF of the book but it said its too large. You can find it on Scribd website for free - I think you get 3 free books when you sign up).

I'd really recommend reading it as its basically what the 12 week programme I did was based off and it can be a self approach

I've accepted that I'm most likely always going to have a weird relationship with food but at least I've got some tools to help me. I have good and bad days but honestly the group and book have helped me massively.

Sending lots of love and light to everyone on their journey. Just knowing we aren't alone is such a massive comfort.

 

[Agent Cooper]

How is everyone doing today? Hope this week is treating you kind

TW for the text behind the spoiler x

Debbie Downer here. I measured myself today after 2,5 months of hardcore dieting and sports and I’m so upset by my results. I lost less than an inch in my waist and hips! I find it hard to believe and very discouraging.

Has anyone else had the same problem? I can’t lose weight no matter what I eat. I’ve already cut out quick carbs, bread and sweets as well as products high in fat like cream or mayonnaise. I had dinner with my extended family this weekend and actually had a breakdown seeing how everyone was eating their food with ketchup and mayo while I restrict as much as I can and still feel fat. I have a healthy BMI but I just know I can look better and more toned, especially considering I’m quite tall. Any tips? I really don’t like the idea of seeing a doctor for weight loss/ED because these issues seem so personal to me and I am not comfortable sharing them with anyone else.

 

[instanonsense]

***might be triggering but I don’t know how to do it properly***

Sending everyone who’s struggling my love. I’m currently struggling. Nothing too major at the moment but I have lost a bit of weight in a short period and I’m borderline with my bmi. I need to get on top of it before it gets out of control. I’ve noticed a few behaviours have crept back in since the weight loss. I think you lose a lot of cognitive ability with weight loss. Anyway, people are careless with their words. I don’t think they’re being malicious (most of the time), they just don’t think. A couple of days ago a friend messaged to tell me I’m looking gorgeous It’s really messed with my head. It’s made me feel like I shouldn’t put the weight I’ve lost back on. Healthy is not a look ffs. I know I’m not at my body’s healthy set point at the moment.