Anyone else dealing with a depressed spouse?

[PsychoKitty]

Thanks everyone for such wonderful support.

He text me yesterday morning saying he wanted to talk so I knew something was up.

What followed was a self indulgent half hour where he told me how much he had learned in therapy, how his past relationships had messed him up and how he needed to "find his authentic self". It was like listening to a stranger.

I said pretty much nothing during this. What was to be said? It all felt very rehearsed.

Then he dropped the trial separation bomb. Said he needed to see his he could miss me, but yet wanted to spend the evening together and go in the morning. It was like he wanted my blessing and expected me to encourage him on whatever bullshit journey he's invented. I said he had to go there and then. And he did.

My friend came and looked after me and has gone now and I feel so... Bleugh. I don't know what's happened to the lovely man I married.

 

[blueblue]

Thanks everyone for such wonderful support.

He text me yesterday morning saying he wanted to talk so I knew something was up.

What followed was a self indulgent half hour where he told me how much he had learned in therapy, how his past relationships had messed him up and how he needed to "find his authentic self". It was like listening to a stranger.

I said pretty much nothing during this. What was to be said? It all felt very rehearsed.

Then he dropped the trial separation bomb. Said he needed to see his he could miss me, but yet wanted to spend the evening together and go in the morning. It was like he wanted my blessing and expected me to encourage him on whatever bullshit journey he's invented. I said he had to go there and then. And he did.

My friend came and looked after me and has gone now and I feel so... Bleugh. I don't know what's happened to the lovely man I married.

Ok. OK. He's said his piece and gone. As I said yesterday, no trial, he doesn't get to decide to come back after this tit show. Did you tell him to go rather than him staying til morning? (Baffling that he thought that was ok).

Wait til he reaches the self reflection section of therapy!

Also be prepared for the fact that someone else might walk out from the wings showing him his "authentic self".

Stay strong xxxx
---
Ah, just to add you told him to go there and then. Good, this is a sign that even during a crisis you know your worth. Never underestimate that x

 

[Greencatfysh]

Thanks everyone for such wonderful support.

He text me yesterday morning saying he wanted to talk so I knew something was up.

What followed was a self indulgent half hour where he told me how much he had learned in therapy, how his past relationships had messed him up and how he needed to "find his authentic self". It was like listening to a stranger.

I said pretty much nothing during this. What was to be said? It all felt very rehearsed.

Then he dropped the trial separation bomb. Said he needed to see his he could miss me, but yet wanted to spend the evening together and go in the morning. It was like he wanted my blessing and expected me to encourage him on whatever bullshit journey he's invented. I said he had to go there and then. And he did.

My friend came and looked after me and has gone now and I feel so... Bleugh. I don't know what's happened to the lovely man I married.

Ugh sounds so much like my ex. So self centred and all me me me. It’s not for him to control you being apart and to “test how much he misses you”. You’re not a spare part on a shelf. My ex was the same, told me he wanted to end things but then still wanted to meet for coffee/drinks/sleepovers whilst we were broken up. You’ll be better off without him, as hard as it is to imagine now.

 

[Megansnarkle]

I'm really proud of you for being strong and telling him he had to leave then and there. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's the type that might 'pop back to pick something up'. Personally I'd change the locks, but it might not be a bad idea to either keep a chain on or a key in the lock when you're in so he can't just stroll in and catch you off guard.

Did you set boundaries for the trial separation?

 

[Jojoo]

I'm really proud of you for being strong and telling him he had to leave then and there. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's the type that might 'pop back to pick something up'. Personally I'd change the locks, but it might not be a bad idea to either keep a chain on or a key in the lock when you're in so he can't just stroll in and catch you off guard.

Did you set boundaries for the trial separation?

If he owns half the house you can’t do this, it’s worse for you if you do this. Trust me I know, my ex is abusive and pops in every few days but I can’t stop him as he owns half the house, I can apply for a court order but I’m too scared of the consequences. I don’t think there’s abuse in this case so sadly you can’t stop him or apply for a court order to stop him.

just be prepared for what might come out, sorry, just as a warning

 

[blueblue]

So how does this work, how can we help? He gets to both leave and keep his keys? Where in the UK are you? What are your rights?

We're now working to your timeline, not his. You aren't on some open ended waiting period while he lives his authentic life.

 

[Megansnarkle]

If he owns half the house you can’t do this, it’s worse for you if you do this. Trust me I know, my ex is abusive and pops in every few days but I can’t stop him as he owns half the house, I can apply for a court order but I’m too scared of the consequences. I don’t think there’s abuse in this case so sadly you can’t stop him or apply for a court order to stop him.

just be prepared for what might come out, sorry, just as a warning

Of course you can do it, he'd equally be entitled to call a locksmith out and change them back but the likelihood of that happening? Slim. If the OP were to claim they lost their key then what's he going to do? He can ask for a copy but the question would be why he needs one if he's not living in the house. As I say, it's what I'd do personally. Obviously if there's a risk of violence then that's different.

There's certainly nothing they can do about you putting on a chain or leaving the key in the lock when you're in for added security. It's a security measure for a woman living alone.

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

Thanks everyone for such wonderful support.

He text me yesterday morning saying he wanted to talk so I knew something was up.

What followed was a self indulgent half hour where he told me how much he had learned in therapy, how his past relationships had messed him up and how he needed to "find his authentic self". It was like listening to a stranger.

I said pretty much nothing during this. What was to be said? It all felt very rehearsed.

Then he dropped the trial separation bomb. Said he needed to see his he could miss me, but yet wanted to spend the evening together and go in the morning. It was like he wanted my blessing and expected me to encourage him on whatever bullshit journey he's invented. I said he had to go there and then. And he did.

My friend came and looked after me and has gone now and I feel so... Bleugh. I don't know what's happened to the lovely man I married.

I'm so sorry it sounds like he's taken what his therapist has said about past experiences shaping you emotionally and used it to excuse his crappy behaviour and to do what he wants now. Did he even ask how you are or how you feel about all this? I'm so glad you told him to leave, he's completely self-absorbed if he thought you'd listen to all that and still want to spend time with him, like he was doing you a favour by gracing you with his presence for one final night. I'm glad your friend came to support you - keep leaning on the people who care about you and fill your days with things you enjoy - and if they're things he didn't enjoy even better as you get to feel a petty but satisfying "duck you" in your head! If he tries to contact you I'd suggest ignoring his calls and then texting to say "I'm busy at the moment, if you need to discuss something about the separation then we're going to need to book a time to talk" - keep it civil but boundaried. I'm sorry the man he was has disappeared, it must feel like you're grieving for who he was alongside all your hurt and anger about who he's turned into. You'll get through this

 

[Jojoo]

Of course you can do it, he'd equally be entitled to call a locksmith out and change them back but the likelihood of that happening? Slim. If the OP were to claim they lost their key then what's he going to do? He can ask for a copy but the question would be why he needs one if he's not living in the house. As I say, it's what I'd do personally. Obviously if there's a risk of violence then that's different.

There's certainly nothing they can do about you putting on a chain or leaving the key in the lock when you're in for added security. It's a security measure for a woman living alone.

I had the police called on me for keeping a key on the other side turned so he couldn’t get in one night. They didn’t do anything as I had evidence of why I did it to keep me and the kids safe and instead he was cautioned but I’m just saying be careful as lawfully it’s not allowed. Morally it’s fucked up, they walk out fhey should stay out but sadly it doesn’t work like that when you both own and if you did go down the forgotten key route they would say he was entitled to one when you got your new one.

 

[Megansnarkle]

I had the police called on me for keeping a key on the other side turned so he couldn’t get in one night. They didn’t do anything as I had evidence of why I did it to keep me and the kids safe and instead he was cautioned but I’m just saying be careful as lawfully it’s not allowed. Morally it’s fucked up, they walk out fhey should stay out but sadly it doesn’t work like that when you both own and if you did go down the forgotten key route they would say he was entitled to one when you got your new one.

It's not a criminal offence to keep a key in your door, which is why the police didn't do anything.

As I said, they'd be entitled to change the locks back or they would be entitled to a new key, but they can't control how long it takes you to get to a locksmith to get a copy... just saying...

 

[PsychoKitty]

I've opened up to my wider group of good girlfriends and have another visitor on the way. Booked a flight to go to my mums tomorrow for a few days.

I know I will eventually be ok, but I just don't know how to do this bit.

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

I've opened up to my wider group of good girlfriends and have another visitor on the way. Booked a flight to go to my mums tomorrow for a few days.

I know I will eventually be ok, but I just don't know how to do this bit.

Well done for opening up so you're not carrying the weight of it on your own, and getting away sounds perfect - away from physical memories, being looked after by your mum, hopefully it's a cathartic trip for you

 

[whoareyouu]

I've opened up to my wider group of good girlfriends and have another visitor on the way. Booked a flight to go to my mums tomorrow for a few days.

I know I will eventually be ok, but I just don't know how to do this bit.

Well done for making those steps.

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

How are you doing @PsychoKitty? I hope you're having a nice time at your mum's

 

[PsychoKitty]

Thanks for checking in @Pontiac_Bandit. Not in a very good place but trying to make the most of my time here before I go back on Wednesday.

Made the mistake of messaging him on Saturday night and it's very clear he's done. Found out through Instagram that his nan died on Sunday and he's not reached out (I liked her a lot so I'm sad about that too). Thought about messaging but this is the life he wants and he'll have to swallow the consequences.

Got someone coming to value the house on Thursday, I'll be in no rush to go but good to have in my back pocket.

 

[whoareyouu]

Thanks for checking in @Pontiac_Bandit. Not in a very good place but trying to make the most of my time here before I go back on Wednesday.

Made the mistake of messaging him on Saturday night and it's very clear he's done. Found out through Instagram that his nan died on Sunday and he's not reached out (I liked her a lot so I'm sad about that too). Thought about messaging but this is the life he wants and he'll have to swallow the consequences.

Got someone coming to value the house on Thursday, I'll be in no rush to go but good to have in my back pocket.

Oh pet.

Take this time to focus on you. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.

 

[PsychoKitty]

Oh pet.

Take this time to focus on you. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.

Thank you. I know I'll get there, just need to figure out this bit. I have dropped any hope I might have had, need to protect myself!

 

[Pontiac_Bandit]

Thanks for checking in @Pontiac_Bandit. Not in a very good place but trying to make the most of my time here before I go back on Wednesday.

Made the mistake of messaging him on Saturday night and it's very clear he's done. Found out through Instagram that his nan died on Sunday and he's not reached out (I liked her a lot so I'm sad about that too). Thought about messaging but this is the life he wants and he'll have to swallow the consequences.

Got someone coming to value the house on Thursday, I'll be in no rush to go but good to have in my back pocket.

I guess in some ways it's good that you've found out this early into the trial separation that he's done because you can protect yourself and start rebuilding your life, but that doesn't make it any easier keeping busy and looking at the practicalities of splitting while you have the motivation sounds like a good idea, and hopefully when you're home you can see your friends more and do nice things for yourself

 

[Megansnarkle]

Thank you. I know I'll get there, just need to figure out this bit. I have dropped any hope I might have had, need to protect myself!

Sorry to hear this. When you get home it may also be sensible to take copies/photos of any documents related to his finances as well if you have any about the house (annual pension statements, bank statements etc). Also think about what you jointly have access to in terms of savings accounts etc. It may be worth enquiring with the banks about changing any mandates to ensure both your authority is needed to withdraw money.

 

[PsychoKitty]

I'm going home tonight. Panicking at not only being alone but seeing what he's taken from the house. I'll be home alone until Friday when I go to the office, and then have friends busying me for the weekend. I am dreading this bit.