Assuming you aren't a mature student, I'll give you the advice I wish I had when I was younger - when you find the right person, it isn't meant to be hard. Long-term you'll go through hard things like loss and career difficulties, and possibly mental health struggles, but actually being with that person shouldn't be difficult. You shouldn't go out and not be trusted, you shouldn't have someone making threats. You should be with someone who trusts and supports you and your life together.
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My best friend was in a relationship like this and it completely destroyed her because she thought she could make him better when he showed no inclination of doing it for himself. All he was doing was bringing her down! Since they split up last year she’s bought her own flat on her own, got a very high paid good job, has gotten into a healthy relationship and is generally living her best life. My brother is also with someone like this and it has completely destroyed his mental health too. People like this will just sink you as low as them unfortunately. Wishing you all the best xx
If you're a people pleaser remember you're a person too.
I'm so glad I found this thread 
My partner has recently been diagnosed with depression as something hadn't been right for a few years. I met him in his native country while I was working abroad and he wanted to leave and move elsewhere. I stupidly agreed (I was so happy in his country) and here we are with him depressed. I am not sure why he is depressed but it is his first time living abroad. Since we moved he has shown 0 affection towards me and you can probably guess what the bedroom life is like. I feel extremely unwanted but he won't go to therapy. I'm only 30 and don't want to waste some of my best years without physical touch or affection because everyone is entitled to it
Sorry for ranting xx
My partner has recently been diagnosed with depression as something hadn't been right for a few years. I met him in his native country while I was working abroad and he wanted to leave and move elsewhere. I stupidly agreed (I was so happy in his country) and here we are with him depressed. I am not sure why he is depressed but it is his first time living abroad. Since we moved he has shown 0 affection towards me and you can probably guess what the bedroom life is like. I feel extremely unwanted but he won't go to therapy. I'm only 30 and don't want to waste some of my best years without physical touch or affection because everyone is entitled to it
Sorry for ranting xx
I think he's going to leave me tonight. He apologised for shutting down, said that his therapy is hitting him quite hard, and that we need to talk. Trying to hard to hold it together at work.
You don't know what he's going to say at this point, so there's no point worrying about it yet.
However, if he does say he wants to leave then I think you should let him. Trying to force a situation to work that isn't working right now doesn't work well for anyone. However, unless there's more going on than you know, then I would try and agree to it being a trial separation. Put a time limit on it. Make sure the conditions are clear (ie, what is not cool for either of you, contact between you, dating others, sex etc). Be clear on when you are going to review the situation. Then, if he wants to leave, he should be the one to actually leave. No staying in a spare bedroom etc, if he wants to go then he should experience what that really means and is really like.
I hope that he just wants to be open with you about what's going on. But if it is what you think, remember that this is about him, not you, it doesn't necessarily mean forever and it may that time to focus on himself might be exactly what he needs to get himself in a better place. It doesn't sound like you're happy now, so something has to change.
Thank you. All I want to do is cry and ask him to stay but I won't.
M
I will be thinking of you today. Either way, this situation can’t go on and on. Hoping for a positive and healthy outcome for you. X
Everything @Megansnarkle says!
you will be okay, you get through this and you also don’t know what he’s going to say yet. There’s a quote you see a lot do you miss the person or the hopes and dreams you had with that person. Right now he’s not the man you fell in love with, that doesn’t mean he won’t come back but you’re not loosing that original person. Please try not to worry until you have had the chat I know it’s impossible though---
You are so right about wasting your good years! Don’t!!! One of the things I’m so grateful for is only being 32 and going through what I have as I can still start over, he is 40 now so it’s not as easy for him. I regret settling down so young (although if I didn’t I wouldn’t have my kids but if it wasn’t for them I wish I didn’t) I wasted too many years.I'm so glad I found this thread
My partner has recently been diagnosed with depression as something hadn't been right for a few years. I met him in his native country while I was working abroad and he wanted to leave and move elsewhere. I stupidly agreed (I was so happy in his country) and here we are with him depressed. I am not sure why he is depressed but it is his first time living abroad. Since we moved he has shown 0 affection towards me and you can probably guess what the bedroom life is like. I feel extremely unwanted but he won't go to therapy. I'm only 30 and don't want to waste some of my best years without physical touch or affection because everyone is entitled to it
Sorry for ranting xx
This year once I’m finally divorced I’m going to live like I should have in my 20’s
have you tried talking to him? That’s got to be tough for you dealing with this and changing countries, can you go back to his home country where YOU were happy most importantly
Thank you xxEverything @Megansnarkle says!
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You are so right about wasting your good years! Don’t!!! One of the things I’m so grateful for is only being 32 and going through what I have as I can still start over, he is 40 now so it’s not as easy for him. I regret settling down so young (although if I didn’t I wouldn’t have my kids but if it wasn’t for them I wish I didn’t) I wasted too many years.
This year once I’m finally divorced I’m going to live like I should have in my 20’s
have you tried talking to him? That’s got to be tough for you dealing with this and changing countries, can you go back to his home country where YOU were happy most importantly
Yes, have spoken extensively but seems like nothing is getting through to him. I have almost secured a job back in his home country so one step back to MY happiness. He said he will stay where we currently are and tbh I'm quite happy with that.
Amazing!! Well done
He wants a trial separation and has gone to his brothers. I'm so sad.
I'm sorry, but just know you can get through this. Do you have a friend or relative who might come round so you aren't alone? Alternatively, or if you don't fancy company, get a takeaway, have a bath, have a cry. In the meantime, I'd personally block him on any social media you need to (take away the temptation to message/call/stalk etc). Wallow for the week and then make a list of all the things you didn't do when you were together, that might be cooking a dinner he hated, doing a certain activity, watching something on TV or at the cinema, going to bed when you like, setting up a jigsaw on the dining table etc. Then start gradually doing things that you like and building up your life. This time is for both of you to work out what you want going forward and you can best do that by embracing who you are and what you enjoy in life.
You are a strong person and you CAN get through this. Just know that.
Feel all the feelings but then you will get up and work on YOU. Try and sleep because what you have been dealing with is exhausting, this is your time to put yourself first. Again echo writing a list of all the things you want to do and haven’t been able to do. What do you want your future to look like
I've just been catching up on this thread, and I'm so sorry for what you're currently dealing with. My husband has depression and there have been times over the years where things have been really tough on both of us - it's so difficult trying to support someone when they're not able to process their emotions and so end up taking it out on you. I'd say that him talking rationally about wanting a trial separation and then being the one to leave is a positive step, even though it's gut-wrenching - if he'd suddenly announced it during an argument and then told you to get out, or stormed out, you'd be left with more questions and at the mercy of his emotional manipulation. @Megansnarkle had excellent advice previously - has he put a timeframe on the separation or set boundaries for contact during that time? You're allowed to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, sad, confused so embrace feeling them as it's easier to cope with them once you've acknowledged all your feelings. It may be that he's asked for the separation as he knows he's dragging you down and wants time to work on his own mental health before he looks at how you two move forward together - or it might be that he's recognised that he's changed too much and his feelings have changed, and he wants to see what time apart helps you both discover. The advice to do things for you and rediscover yourself is fantastic, because if the trial becomes permanent then you'll already have started finding yourself again, or if you get back together then you'll have a better idea of who you are as an individual within the relationship and what you will and won't tolerate going forwards. Several years ago my friend's fiancée asked for a trial separation and my friend was absolutely devastated and just wanted her to come back. The trial lasted a couple of months and by the time the fiancée had decided that she'd sorted out her issues and wanted to get back together, my friend had embraced her new life with all her old interests in it and said she recognised that they were better off apart, so they split. Take things one day at a time, maybe contact the relationship counsellor to see if she'll see you alone to help you organise your thoughts, and do your best to live this time for you
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You're not selfish and none of this is your fault
as others have said, it sounds like he's actually quite enjoying doing nothing, getting off his face and having you at his beck and call for money and attention. I'm also a people pleaser and feel responsible for absorbing the emotions of others and fixing things for them - unfortunately the type of people we want to fix often take advantage of this and start to expect it, guilting us into continuing to look after them. If he's showing any signs of taking responsibility for his situation or remorse for how he's treating you then maybe there's a glimmer of hope, but as the relationship is still fairly new and it sounds like he's been acting this way for most of it I'd suggest putting yourself first and getting out before his behaviour gets worse. It's emotionally crippling trying to help someone who won't help themselves, and you can calmly leave a list of support numbers/websites to ease some of your misplaced guilt about letting him down if you leave - you're not letting him down and what he chooses to do next won't be your fault
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thank you so much for all the advice, i’m extremely grateful, i’ve taken a day to think about the whole situation, i’m still young, i’m 24 and got my whole life ahead of me and i should be able to enjoy it, i’m going to say to him about how the whole situation has made me feel and mention about organising help for him again but if he doesn’t engage or change then i’m going to leave, as much as it’ll hurt me in the beginning i know it’ll be for the best, you’re all great, thank you for understanding and sending my love to everyone who needs it 🤍
Well done, it takes a lot of strength to make that decision - don't forget that you can feel bad for someone's situation without taking on the burden and responsibility of fixing it for them
Will reply properly tomorrow but thank you everyone. Had a friend here who is staying with me. Had a lot of wine and tears.