Anyone else dealing with a depressed spouse?

[PsychoKitty]

2 weeks ago my husband told me he was generally sad and flat about absolutely everything, including me, and didn't know if it was because of our relationship he felt like this.

I have experienced depression in the past and know that it's hard to find joy in anything, but he's slung a bit of mud my way since that I am struggling to shake off and carry on with, as well as support him.

We have couples therapy booked and he's requested personal counselling though work but this hasn't happened yet.

We had planned to spend Christmas just the 2 of us. All the food is arriving tomorrow and I wish I had cancelled it. I just want to run away and hide and cry.

Sorry for the ramble. I wonder if anyone else is here or has been here.

 

[Jojoo]

I have been here, in fact my husband admitted it to me Christmas Eve two years ago so same time of year.

i wasn’t sure whether to reply as it didn’t turn out well for me but I wanted to say your not alone and if you want to talk I’ll always listen (read) and reply back. It’s hard, it’s also isolating as you don’t want to share with friends and family etc

 

[PsychoKitty]

I have been here, in fact my husband admitted it to me Christmas Eve two years ago so same time of year.

i wasn’t sure whether to reply as it didn’t turn out well for me but I wanted to say your not alone and if you want to talk I’ll always listen (read) and reply back. It’s hard, it’s also isolating as you don’t want to share with friends and family etc

Even knowing it's not just me helps!

I wanted to go to my dad's at the weekend but he asked me not to. I wish I'd not listened to him.

 

[Saddlesoap]

My husband is justifiably depressed because of health reasons. I know that's not the same as what you're experiencing, but it is hard.
Depression sucks the light out of you and I think it's easy to target the people closest to you.
Is he getting plenty of sunlight and/or taking vitamin d?

 

[PsychoKitty]

My husband is justifiably depressed because of health reasons. I know that's not the same as what you're experiencing, but it is hard.
Depression sucks the light out of you and I think it's easy to target the people closest to you.
Is he getting plenty of sunlight and/or taking vitamin d?

Thank you. I've been there too and get what he's going through, but somehow I have been turned into the bad guy. I don't know if he just wants to leave and is maybe struggling with guilt?

He won't go to the GP and sunlight is quite sparse here at the moment! I bought him vit d, at Johns wort and ashwaganda, none of which have been touched. Trying to get him to sign up for Better help so he can at least speak to someone quickly but that's not happened.

 

[Jojoo]

Even knowing it's not just me helps!

I wanted to go to my dad's at the weekend but he asked me not to. I wish I'd not listened to him.

No do things for you still! Remember what he’s saying isn’t true too, it took me a long time to realise what he said about me wasn’t true and I started doing things for me again and focusing on me. In hind sight I wish I did it from the beginning

 

[Megansnarkle]

2 weeks ago my husband told me he was generally sad and flat about absolutely everything, including me, and didn't know if it was because of our relationship he felt like this.

I have experienced depression in the past and know that it's hard to find joy in anything, but he's slung a bit of mud my way since that I am struggling to shake off and carry on with, as well as support him.

We have couples therapy booked and he's requested personal counselling though work but this hasn't happened yet.

We had planned to spend Christmas just the 2 of us. All the food is arriving tomorrow and I wish I had cancelled it. I just want to run away and hide and cry.

Sorry for the ramble. I wonder if anyone else is here or has been here.

There's being depressed and there's being unkind. The two aren't the same thing. I could support a depressed partner but not an unkind one. Being depressed is not an excuse for being mean to those around you. It sounds like counselling is a good idea.

If you don't want to do a full Christmas, don't. Maybe cook the meat (if you have it), make sandwiches, freeze anything that will freeze and have a day where you don't lean into it. Maybe go for a long walk (doesn't matter if he joins you or not, lots of people head out on Christmas to get some air), watch crap TV, maybe do stuff you like (do you have a hobby?). Don't feel obliged to play happy families if you don't want to do the traditional big day.

 

[PsychoKitty]

There's being depressed and there's being unkind. The two aren't the same thing. I could support a depressed partner but not an unkind one. Being depressed is not an excuse for being mean to those around you. It sounds like counselling is a good idea.

If you don't want to do a full Christmas, don't. Maybe cook the meat (if you have it), make sandwiches, freeze anything that will freeze and have a day where you don't lean into it. Maybe go for a long walk (doesn't matter if he joins you or not, lots of people head out on Christmas to get some air), watch crap TV, maybe do stuff you like (do you have a hobby?). Don't feel obliged to play happy families if you don't want to do the traditional big day.

This is a helpful point of view, thank you.

I lost it tonight. I've never shouted at him before. Went to throw him out then panicked and backtracked.

He's got a counselling session tomorrow. I can feel the beginning of the end tho. I'm devastated. I really thought he was my forever.

 

[Jojoo]

This is a helpful point of view, thank you.

I lost it tonight. I've never shouted at him before. Went to throw him out then panicked and backtracked.

He's got a counselling session tomorrow. I can feel the beginning of the end tho. I'm devastated. I really thought he was my forever.

You will be okay! If that does happen you will come out stronger and wise but right now take out day at a time. That’s good he has a counselling session tomorrow, not to defend but he he might be on edge ready for it?

and Christmas Day if your lonely I will be on my own in the evening once my kids are asleep, I’m planning on reading a new book with a bottle of wine so I will be virtual company if you need it.

 

[PsychoKitty]

You will be okay! If that does happen you will come out stronger and wise but right now take out day at a time. That’s good he has a counselling session tomorrow, not to defend but he he might be on edge ready for it?

and Christmas Day if your lonely I will be on my own in the evening once my kids are asleep, I’m planning on reading a new book with a bottle of wine so I will be virtual company if you need it.

Sorry I should have clarified, he booked the counselling session after the shouting, crying, backtracking (all me!). At least it's booked.

He told me tonight he's not been happy for 18 months, but doesn't know why, and that he just wants to isole himself and be alone forever. I've never wished that something caused by depression more.

 

[Jojoo]

Sorry I should have clarified, he booked the counselling session after the shouting, crying, backtracking (all me!). At least it's booked.

He told me tonight he's not been happy for 18 months, but doesn't know why, and that he just wants to isole himself and be alone forever. I've never wished that something caused by depression more.

That’s positive! How old is he if you don’t mind me asking?

 

[PsychoKitty]

That’s positive! How old is he if you don’t mind me asking?

He's 40.. I am pinning a lot of hope on a midlife crisis.

He doesn't love me like he did and he's said that. How do you even get over that?

 

[Jojoo]

He's 40.. I am pinning a lot of hope on a midlife crisis.

He doesn't love me like he did and he's said that. How do you even get over that?

Time! Two years ago I was in your position, I’m not fully out of the woods yet but I am 95% happy again on a ‘normal’ day now. I wish I haven’t gone through what I have but it’s also made me a stronger and more confident person in myself so I’m kind of glad too, I know that’s cringey.
Mine was 38 at the time and this year turned 40 and I think mid life crisis is so undermined and made to be a joke but it’s serious, he’s turned into a complete different person now with looks and style etc even personaility. I say the person I married died this is someone else and his family and friends agree.

You need to look after yourself and think about what you want still. Like you said about going to see your dad don’t let his moods stop you being you. I found joining a gymn helped me, just bei n able to put headphones in and run the stress out of my body helped me cope a bit. My new thing is knitting in the evenings while watching tv as it stops me thinking too much, I have kids so can’t always get babysitters to go out. Hobbies help!

Cry, scream and drink a lot of wine but you will get through this!
---

He's 40.. I am pinning a lot of hope on a midlife crisis.

He doesn't love me like he did and he's said that. How do you even get over that?

Sorry me again I just remembered when we did couples counselling she asked did we both have a ‘community’ outside of each other he did b. I didn’t and I remember being scared but actually now I do, I’ve worked hard on it but I have people around me. Make sure you have a community it could be work, clubs, friends and family

 

[PsychoKitty]

Thank you Jojoo. I really do appreciate it.

I've had yet another sleepless night peppered with quite a lot of crying and I just feel quite helpless and lost and full of self pity. I almost wish he had cheated on me, it would be easier to be angry and throw him out.

I feel like just rotting in bed until the new year.

 

[whoareyouu]

2 weeks ago my husband told me he was generally sad and flat about absolutely everything, including me, and didn't know if it was because of our relationship he felt like this.

I have experienced depression in the past and know that it's hard to find joy in anything, but he's slung a bit of mud my way since that I am struggling to shake off and carry on with, as well as support him.

We have couples therapy booked and he's requested personal counselling though work but this hasn't happened yet.

We had planned to spend Christmas just the 2 of us. All the food is arriving tomorrow and I wish I had cancelled it. I just want to run away and hide and cry.

Sorry for the ramble. I wonder if anyone else is here or has been here.

In the same situation except he won’t admit to being depressed or anything being wrong with him.

He eats tit, drinks, smokes weed, doesn’t exercise, has a stressful job and blames me for him feeling the way he does.

 

[PsychoKitty]

In the same situation except he won’t admit to being depressed or anything being wrong with him.

He eats tit, drinks, smokes weed, doesn’t exercise, has a stressful job and blames me for him feeling the way he does.

I'm really sorry you're here too. It's tit isn't it. X

 

[Jojoo]

In the same situation except he won’t admit to being depressed or anything being wrong with him.

He eats tit, drinks, smokes weed, doesn’t exercise, has a stressful job and blames me for him feeling the way he does.

It’s not you, I know that doesn’t help right now but it’s not! It’s them, please try and focus on yourself. I saved this earlier to share here.
Don’t loose yourselves while dealing with this, I know it’s hard though but the best thing I done was changing my mindset, even though I didn’t get a happy ending I know he admires how strong I have become so if it was too have worked out it would have only been a good thing still.

 

[PsychoKitty]

He's making an effort for about an hour a day then it's just all very sad again.

Told me the other night he's not been happy for 18 months. He's had his first counselling sessions we have a couples session booked on the 15th, but my hope is rapidly fading.

Anyone else just want to sleep the next week away?

 

[Jojoo]

He's making an effort for about an hour a day then it's just all very sad again.

Told me the other night he's not been happy for 18 months. He's had his first counselling sessions we have a couples session booked on the 15th, but my hope is rapidly fading.

Anyone else just want to sleep the next week away?

What are your plans for Christmas? Can you go to family so you’re distracted for a little bit?

Do you know if there’s a reason behind it all? For me it started as depression then a few months later I found out he had been having an affair the whole time and he was riddled with guilt and depression. I’m not saying this is is the same but do you think something else is happening?

I remember feeling like I would never be happy again, someone told me you will but you will never be able to pin point that day and it’s true one day I realised I was happy and smiling again yet i couldn’t say when it happened. This is a phase in your life, it’s tit but this won’t last forever I promise. It took me about 18 months to turn that corner, sorry probably not what you want to hear

 

[Greencatfysh]

Didn’t want to read and run. I was with my ex for 5.5 years and about 4 years into that he was suffering with depression and there was just nothing I could do or say. He ended the relationship because he didn’t know what he wanted or what would make him happy. We eventually got back together and he said that when he was going through it, he just wanted to try and clear out everything from his life that might have been a contributing factor. Not saying it’s ok and obviously I was devastated, but looking back, it wasn’t “me” as such, it was just me as part of a list of things he thought might be making him unhappy.

I think recognising that there’s a mental illness there takes a LOT of work and unfortunately you might be collateral damage.

We got back together but then broke up eventually, it was a contributing factor to the ultimate break up as he never properly got help for it, so we ended up in a cycle of him never being happy with his lot in life.

safe to say I am now happily married and no idea what he’s up to. I hope he’s put the work in and not dragging some new woman through this.