Anyone else dealing with a depressed spouse?

[Megansnarkle]

thanks guys, i think i’m just that type of person who believes they can fix everyone and i’m a people pleaser, all i want to do is make him happy but like you say, he isn’t willing to engage in anything to help his depression and he’s an adult who can make his own choices so it shouldn’t fall down to me.

i think i’m going to have a chat with him about it and tell him how much stress it’s putting me under to see if it’ll help at all but i doubt it, sorry for my massive rant, i don’t want to come across selfish but there’s only so much i can take.

i know that by giving him money i’m enabling him to live the lifestyle he does and it’s my own fault, i know deep down he uses the money for alcohol and drugs but i guess a part of me just lives in hope that he’ll get a job, engage in some help with his depression and we’ll be happy again x

Assuming you aren't a mature student, I'll give you the advice I wish I had when I was younger - when you find the right person, it isn't meant to be hard. Long-term you'll go through hard things like loss and career difficulties, and possibly mental health struggles, but actually being with that person shouldn't be difficult. You shouldn't go out and not be trusted, you shouldn't have someone making threats. You should be with someone who trusts and supports you and your life together.

 

[Megansnarkle]

i’m glad i found this thread, i know it’s not the same as we aren’t married but my boyfriend has been depressed since i met him due to the loss of a family member a year ago, i haven’t lost anyone in my family since i was a young age and so can totally understand that i won’t relate to it in the same way if that makes sense?

he hasn’t worked in over a year due to his depression and has fallen into a trap of smoking weed and turning to alcohol and sometimes even other drugs as a way to cope, i’ve tried everything i can to try and help in any way i can but to no avail, he isn’t willing to talk to me, a doctor or anyone else.

it’s really taking its toll on me now as selfish as that sounds, i’ve had to pick up two jobs alongside uni to make ends meet for us and anytime we do get with one another, i try to make plans for us just to try get him out the flat but he always declines them.

the other night i was out with my sister and he was off his face, texting me that he was extremely depressed and wanted to end it all, i didn’t see the text as i wasn’t on my phone and i got left a mountain of unkind text messages saying i was cheating etc, i love him but i’m at my wits end, sorry for the massive rant i just wanted to get it off my chest to help myself feel a little better x

Leave him. This man has no incentive to do anything about his situation because you're enabling him to not have to. Why are you taking on extra work to make ends meet for you both? Does he actually make you happy? It doesn't sound like he does from your post. Trust me, there are better men out there. I don't say that because he's depressed, I say that because he sounds like a walking red flag. Texting you when youre out with his sister threatening suicide? And then barraging you with unkind messages and accusing you of cheating? That's not a cry for help or insecurity, that's emotional manipulation. I suspect he has quite a cushy life not working, drinking and doing drugs while you go to uni and work. Why would he want to get better if he is in fact clinically depressed and not just using that as a cover to not have to be a responsible adult?

 

[BarryEvansHun]

Just wanted to drop a little update because I got such lovely messages on here.

He wants to divorce. He's been feeding me the same self absorbed, self pitying stuff which I told him I didn't want to hear any more - so he sent me a letter today saying all the things he thinks I've done wrong, he's filed the paperwork and wants to get the house on the market (doesn't want to give me half but legally has no choice).

Thanks to everyone that was so lovely over Christmas. I'm not quite sure how to do this next part but have no choice in the matter so I'll figure it out. Didn't think I'd be starting again at almost 40 but there you go n

Wow. What a total wanker. Fuck the letter.
I am going through a horrible break up at the moment myself. I am totally ignoring him and making out he doesn’t exist and that nothing he does or has done has affected me. Only replying via email over finances, in HR text. Blocked on everything else.
I am finding I drift into missing the man he once was and the future we could have had. It really makes me feel upset. So I have done so writing and written a page of all the things that was good about being with him and a page of all the bad. The bad is 2 pages long compared to the 5 lines of good. I’ve realised all the good I wrote about being with him - is actually all things I can give myself. I don’t need him.
Another thing that helps is radical acceptance. I speak out loud and accept that I am single now, that we are over. That I am going to be fine. That this is not an ending, but a beginning to my new life.
Cry and rant as much as you like at home or with friends / family. But do not give him a single inch of it to his face. Make out you do not care, be as cold as ice. He does not deserve it! He does not deserve you! These men don’t want us, but want us pining over them. Well they and their fragile egos can get fucked!

 

[PsychoKitty]

2 weeks ago my husband told me he was generally sad and flat about absolutely everything, including me, and didn't know if it was because of our relationship he felt like this.

I have experienced depression in the past and know that it's hard to find joy in anything, but he's slung a bit of mud my way since that I am struggling to shake off and carry on with, as well as support him.

We have couples therapy booked and he's requested personal counselling though work but this hasn't happened yet.

We had planned to spend Christmas just the 2 of us. All the food is arriving tomorrow and I wish I had cancelled it. I just want to run away and hide and cry.

Sorry for the ramble. I wonder if anyone else is here or has been here.

 

[PsychoKitty]

Just wanted to drop a little update because I got such lovely messages on here.

He wants to divorce. He's been feeding me the same self absorbed, self pitying stuff which I told him I didn't want to hear any more - so he sent me a letter today saying all the things he thinks I've done wrong, he's filed the paperwork and wants to get the house on the market (doesn't want to give me half but legally has no choice).

Thanks to everyone that was so lovely over Christmas. I'm not quite sure how to do this next part but have no choice in the matter so I'll figure it out. Didn't think I'd be starting again at almost 40 but there you go n

 

[whoareyouu]

Was

i’m glad i found this thread, i know it’s not the same as we aren’t married but my boyfriend has been depressed since i met him due to the loss of a family member a year ago, i haven’t lost anyone in my family since i was a young age and so can totally understand that i won’t relate to it in the same way if that makes sense?

he hasn’t worked in over a year due to his depression and has fallen into a trap of smoking weed and turning to alcohol and sometimes even other drugs as a way to cope, i’ve tried everything i can to try and help in any way i can but to no avail, he isn’t willing to talk to me, a doctor or anyone else.

it’s really taking its toll on me now as selfish as that sounds, i’ve had to pick up two jobs alongside uni to make ends meet for us and anytime we do get with one another, i try to make plans for us just to try get him out the flat but he always declines them.

the other night i was out with my sister and he was off his face, texting me that he was extremely depressed and wanted to end it all, i didn’t see the text as i wasn’t on my phone and i got left a mountain of unkind text messages saying i was cheating etc, i love him but i’m at my wits end, sorry for the massive rant i just wanted to get it off my chest to help myself feel a little better x

This may not be what you want to hear but if you are only a year in and there’s no kids, mortgage etc - not that those should be reasons you stay, anyway - and he’s not making any effort to help himself then leave him.

Using substances etc whilst you work two jobs is just not fair. It’s clearly affecting your mental health too. X

 

[PsychoKitty]

There's being depressed and there's being unkind. The two aren't the same thing. I could support a depressed partner but not an unkind one. Being depressed is not an excuse for being mean to those around you. It sounds like counselling is a good idea.

If you don't want to do a full Christmas, don't. Maybe cook the meat (if you have it), make sandwiches, freeze anything that will freeze and have a day where you don't lean into it. Maybe go for a long walk (doesn't matter if he joins you or not, lots of people head out on Christmas to get some air), watch crap TV, maybe do stuff you like (do you have a hobby?). Don't feel obliged to play happy families if you don't want to do the traditional big day.

This is a helpful point of view, thank you.

I lost it tonight. I've never shouted at him before. Went to throw him out then panicked and backtracked.

He's got a counselling session tomorrow. I can feel the beginning of the end tho. I'm devastated. I really thought he was my forever.

 

[whoareyouu]

It’s not you, I know that doesn’t help right now but it’s not! It’s them, please try and focus on yourself. I saved this earlier to share here.
Don’t loose yourselves while dealing with this, I know it’s hard though but the best thing I done was changing my mindset, even though I didn’t get a happy ending I know he admires how strong I have become so if it was too have worked out it would have only been a good thing still.

I am just having the worst Christmas ever. It feels like the pain will never end.

He had said we would spend New Year’s Eve together. Now he’s going out with his mates. He can’t understand why I’m upset. He seems to want to live the single life with the perks of someone at home to cook and clean.

He just won’t communicate.

 

[Megansnarkle]

2 weeks ago my husband told me he was generally sad and flat about absolutely everything, including me, and didn't know if it was because of our relationship he felt like this.

I have experienced depression in the past and know that it's hard to find joy in anything, but he's slung a bit of mud my way since that I am struggling to shake off and carry on with, as well as support him.

We have couples therapy booked and he's requested personal counselling though work but this hasn't happened yet.

We had planned to spend Christmas just the 2 of us. All the food is arriving tomorrow and I wish I had cancelled it. I just want to run away and hide and cry.

Sorry for the ramble. I wonder if anyone else is here or has been here.

There's being depressed and there's being unkind. The two aren't the same thing. I could support a depressed partner but not an unkind one. Being depressed is not an excuse for being mean to those around you. It sounds like counselling is a good idea.

If you don't want to do a full Christmas, don't. Maybe cook the meat (if you have it), make sandwiches, freeze anything that will freeze and have a day where you don't lean into it. Maybe go for a long walk (doesn't matter if he joins you or not, lots of people head out on Christmas to get some air), watch crap TV, maybe do stuff you like (do you have a hobby?). Don't feel obliged to play happy families if you don't want to do the traditional big day.

 

[whoareyouu]

2 weeks ago my husband told me he was generally sad and flat about absolutely everything, including me, and didn't know if it was because of our relationship he felt like this.

I have experienced depression in the past and know that it's hard to find joy in anything, but he's slung a bit of mud my way since that I am struggling to shake off and carry on with, as well as support him.

We have couples therapy booked and he's requested personal counselling though work but this hasn't happened yet.

We had planned to spend Christmas just the 2 of us. All the food is arriving tomorrow and I wish I had cancelled it. I just want to run away and hide and cry.

Sorry for the ramble. I wonder if anyone else is here or has been here.

In the same situation except he won’t admit to being depressed or anything being wrong with him.

He eats shit, drinks, smokes weed, doesn’t exercise, has a stressful job and blames me for him feeling the way he does.

 

[PsychoKitty]

Thanks everyone for such wonderful support.

He text me yesterday morning saying he wanted to talk so I knew something was up.

What followed was a self indulgent half hour where he told me how much he had learned in therapy, how his past relationships had messed him up and how he needed to "find his authentic self". It was like listening to a stranger.

I said pretty much nothing during this. What was to be said? It all felt very rehearsed.

Then he dropped the trial separation bomb. Said he needed to see his he could miss me, but yet wanted to spend the evening together and go in the morning. It was like he wanted my blessing and expected me to encourage him on whatever bullshit journey he's invented. I said he had to go there and then. And he did.

My friend came and looked after me and has gone now and I feel so... Bleugh. I don't know what's happened to the lovely man I married.

 

[Greencatfysh]

Thanks everyone for such wonderful support.

He text me yesterday morning saying he wanted to talk so I knew something was up.

What followed was a self indulgent half hour where he told me how much he had learned in therapy, how his past relationships had messed him up and how he needed to "find his authentic self". It was like listening to a stranger.

I said pretty much nothing during this. What was to be said? It all felt very rehearsed.

Then he dropped the trial separation bomb. Said he needed to see his he could miss me, but yet wanted to spend the evening together and go in the morning. It was like he wanted my blessing and expected me to encourage him on whatever bullshit journey he's invented. I said he had to go there and then. And he did.

My friend came and looked after me and has gone now and I feel so... Bleugh. I don't know what's happened to the lovely man I married.

Ugh sounds so much like my ex. So self centred and all me me me. It’s not for him to control you being apart and to “test how much he misses you”. You’re not a spare part on a shelf. My ex was the same, told me he wanted to end things but then still wanted to meet for coffee/drinks/sleepovers whilst we were broken up. You’ll be better off without him, as hard as it is to imagine now.

 

[Jojoo]

This is a helpful point of view, thank you.

I lost it tonight. I've never shouted at him before. Went to throw him out then panicked and backtracked.

He's got a counselling session tomorrow. I can feel the beginning of the end tho. I'm devastated. I really thought he was my forever.

You will be okay! If that does happen you will come out stronger and wise but right now take out day at a time. That’s good he has a counselling session tomorrow, not to defend but he he might be on edge ready for it?

and Christmas Day if your lonely I will be on my own in the evening once my kids are asleep, I’m planning on reading a new book with a bottle of wine so I will be virtual company if you need it.

 

[blueblue]

No trial. He doesn't get to decide to come back after putting you through 2 weeks of hell. Cry tonight, strong tomorrow x

 

[mummyofmonkeys]

thanks guys, i think i’m just that type of person who believes they can fix everyone and i’m a people pleaser, all i want to do is make him happy but like you say, he isn’t willing to engage in anything to help his depression and he’s an adult who can make his own choices so it shouldn’t fall down to me.

i think i’m going to have a chat with him about it and tell him how much stress it’s putting me under to see if it’ll help at all but i doubt it, sorry for my massive rant, i don’t want to come across selfish but there’s only so much i can take.

i know that by giving him money i’m enabling him to live the lifestyle he does and it’s my own fault, i know deep down he uses the money for alcohol and drugs but i guess a part of me just lives in hope that he’ll get a job, engage in some help with his depression and we’ll be happy again x

My best friend was in a relationship like this and it completely destroyed her because she thought she could make him better when he showed no inclination of doing it for himself. All he was doing was bringing her down! Since they split up last year she’s bought her own flat on her own, got a very high paid good job, has gotten into a healthy relationship and is generally living her best life. My brother is also with someone like this and it has completely destroyed his mental health too. People like this will just sink you as low as them unfortunately. Wishing you all the best xx

 

[Megansnarkle]

He wants a trial separation and has gone to his brothers. I'm so sad.

I'm sorry, but just know you can get through this. Do you have a friend or relative who might come round so you aren't alone? Alternatively, or if you don't fancy company, get a takeaway, have a bath, have a cry. In the meantime, I'd personally block him on any social media you need to (take away the temptation to message/call/stalk etc). Wallow for the week and then make a list of all the things you didn't do when you were together, that might be cooking a dinner he hated, doing a certain activity, watching something on TV or at the cinema, going to bed when you like, setting up a jigsaw on the dining table etc. Then start gradually doing things that you like and building up your life. This time is for both of you to work out what you want going forward and you can best do that by embracing who you are and what you enjoy in life.

 

[Greencatfysh]

Didn’t want to read and run. I was with my ex for 5.5 years and about 4 years into that he was suffering with depression and there was just nothing I could do or say. He ended the relationship because he didn’t know what he wanted or what would make him happy. We eventually got back together and he said that when he was going through it, he just wanted to try and clear out everything from his life that might have been a contributing factor. Not saying it’s ok and obviously I was devastated, but looking back, it wasn’t “me” as such, it was just me as part of a list of things he thought might be making him unhappy.

I think recognising that there’s a mental illness there takes a LOT of work and unfortunately you might be collateral damage.

We got back together but then broke up eventually, it was a contributing factor to the ultimate break up as he never properly got help for it, so we ended up in a cycle of him never being happy with his lot in life.

safe to say I am now happily married and no idea what he’s up to. I hope he’s put the work in and not dragging some new woman through this.

 

[blueblue]

Thanks everyone for such wonderful support.

He text me yesterday morning saying he wanted to talk so I knew something was up.

What followed was a self indulgent half hour where he told me how much he had learned in therapy, how his past relationships had messed him up and how he needed to "find his authentic self". It was like listening to a stranger.

I said pretty much nothing during this. What was to be said? It all felt very rehearsed.

Then he dropped the trial separation bomb. Said he needed to see his he could miss me, but yet wanted to spend the evening together and go in the morning. It was like he wanted my blessing and expected me to encourage him on whatever bullshit journey he's invented. I said he had to go there and then. And he did.

My friend came and looked after me and has gone now and I feel so... Bleugh. I don't know what's happened to the lovely man I married.

Ok. OK. He's said his piece and gone. As I said yesterday, no trial, he doesn't get to decide to come back after this shit show. Did you tell him to go rather than him staying til morning? (Baffling that he thought that was ok).

Wait til he reaches the self reflection section of therapy!

Also be prepared for the fact that someone else might walk out from the wings showing him his "authentic self".

Stay strong xxxx
---
Ah, just to add you told him to go there and then. Good, this is a sign that even during a crisis you know your worth. Never underestimate that x

 

[blueblue]

thanks guys, i think i’m just that type of person who believes they can fix everyone and i’m a people pleaser, all i want to do is make him happy but like you say, he isn’t willing to engage in anything to help his depression and he’s an adult who can make his own choices so it shouldn’t fall down to me.

i think i’m going to have a chat with him about it and tell him how much stress it’s putting me under to see if it’ll help at all but i doubt it, sorry for my massive rant, i don’t want to come across selfish but there’s only so much i can take.

i know that by giving him money i’m enabling him to live the lifestyle he does and it’s my own fault, i know deep down he uses the money for alcohol and drugs but i guess a part of me just lives in hope that he’ll get a job, engage in some help with his depression and we’ll be happy again x

If you're a people pleaser remember you're a person too.

 

[Jojoo]

I have been here, in fact my husband admitted it to me Christmas Eve two years ago so same time of year.

i wasn’t sure whether to reply as it didn’t turn out well for me but I wanted to say your not alone and if you want to talk I’ll always listen (read) and reply back. It’s hard, it’s also isolating as you don’t want to share with friends and family etc