Anyone else dealing with a depressed spouse?

[whoareyouu]

It’s not you, I know that doesn’t help right now but it’s not! It’s them, please try and focus on yourself. I saved this earlier to share here.
Don’t loose yourselves while dealing with this, I know it’s hard though but the best thing I done was changing my mindset, even though I didn’t get a happy ending I know he admires how strong I have become so if it was too have worked out it would have only been a good thing still.

I am just having the worst Christmas ever. It feels like the pain will never end.

He had said we would spend New Year’s Eve together. Now he’s going out with his mates. He can’t understand why I’m upset. He seems to want to live the single life with the perks of someone at home to cook and clean.

He just won’t communicate.

 

[PsychoKitty]

Didn’t want to read and run. I was with my ex for 5.5 years and about 4 years into that he was suffering with depression and there was just nothing I could do or say. He ended the relationship because he didn’t know what he wanted or what would make him happy. We eventually got back together and he said that when he was going through it, he just wanted to try and clear out everything from his life that might have been a contributing factor. Not saying it’s ok and obviously I was devastated, but looking back, it wasn’t “me” as such, it was just me as part of a list of things he thought might be making him unhappy.

I think recognising that there’s a mental illness there takes a LOT of work and unfortunately you might be collateral damage.

We got back together but then broke up eventually, it was a contributing factor to the ultimate break up as he never properly got help for it, so we ended up in a cycle of him never being happy with his lot in life.

safe to say I am now happily married and no idea what he’s up to. I hope he’s put the work in and not dragging some new woman through this.

Thank you. I'm actually on my second marriage and really thought this was the one. I'm not going to be thinking that ever again!

Really glad things worked out the way they did for you

 

[Jojoo]

I am just having the worst Christmas ever. It feels like the pain will never end.

He had said we would spend New Year’s Eve together. Now he’s going out with his mates. He can’t understand why I’m upset. He seems to want to live the single life with the perks of someone at home to cook and clean.

He just won’t communicate.

are you able to arrange to go out with friends so your not alone? Please put yourself first, you need to show that your not reliant on him

 

[Greencatfysh]

Thank you. I'm actually on my second marriage and really thought this was the one. I'm not going to be thinking that ever again!

Really glad things worked out the way they did for you

So sorry lovely, it’s horrible that it’ll make you question that marriage can be forever. It can, and I’d also say without knowing your situation, you might find actually you can get through this together and he might realise you aren’t the problem. But, if he doesn’t, you’ll be totally fine too. 🩷

 

[PsychoKitty]

@Jojoo @whoareyouu hope you've managed to have lovely days x

 

[Jojoo]

@Jojoo @whoareyouu hope you've managed to have lovely days x

I was just about to ask if everyone was okay? I hope you’ve had an okay day.

My day was okay but I have just had a big cry, after the kids were put to bed he left to his girlfriends and I just cried. Not because he left but just overwhelm I think. Last Christmas I was alone downstairs while he was in bed upstairs crying, year before he didn’t talk to me so this is my third year alone really, maybe next year I won’t be alone?! Giving myself til 8pm to mope then will cheer up

 

[PsychoKitty]

I was just about to ask if everyone was okay? I hope you’ve had an okay day.

My day was okay but I have just had a big cry, after the kids were put to bed he left to his girlfriends and I just cried. Not because he left but just overwhelm I think. Last Christmas I was alone downstairs while he was in bed upstairs crying, year before he didn’t talk to me so this is my third year alone really, maybe next year I won’t be alone?! Giving myself til 8pm to mope then will cheer up

I'm sorry, that's hard. It's almost 10 now, hoping you've done something nice and had a cheer up?

We've played happy families and it's all very sad. My friend asked me how I was today and all I could send back was "Emma Thompson" if you get the reference.

Almost done and tomorrow is another day x

 

[Jojoo]

I'm sorry, that's hard. It's almost 10 now, hoping you've done something nice and had a cheer up?

We've played happy families and it's all very sad. My friend asked me how I was today and all I could send back was "Emma Thompson" if you get the reference.

Almost done and tomorrow is another day x

I couldn’t pull myself out of it but like you said today is a new day! I’m happier and I go away to Copenhagen in a couple of days so starting to pack to distract myself. I know I will finally be divorced in 2024 and free so focusing on that!

Sorry it’s not what you want to hear but like I said originally in good 95% of the time now I’ve come a long way. How was he yesterday?

 

[Jojoo]

Just came across this!!

 

[PsychoKitty]

I couldn’t pull myself out of it but like you said today is a new day! I’m happier and I go away to Copenhagen in a couple of days so starting to pack to distract myself. I know I will finally be divorced in 2024 and free so focusing on that!

Sorry it’s not what you want to hear but like I said originally in good 95% of the time now I’ve come a long way. How was he yesterday?

Copenhagen sounds amazing! I'd love to go there. And great that you have something like that to look forward to.

It's just been quite stunted and sad. We played some music last night and every song just made me want to cry. Today has been marginally better but I don't want to be lulled into a false sense of security. Going to see my family for a few days on Thursday which I'm looking forward to and dreading at the same time. I feel like if I go away he'll just realise that he is happier without me around.

 

[Greencatfysh]

Copenhagen sounds amazing! I'd love to go there. And great that you have something like that to look forward to.

It's just been quite stunted and sad. We played some music last night and every song just made me want to cry. Today has been marginally better but I don't want to be lulled into a false sense of security. Going to see my family for a few days on Thursday which I'm looking forward to and dreading at the same time. I feel like if I go away he'll just realise that he is happier without me around.

I’m sure space will be good for you both. Try and reframe that if you can. You might be happier without him? He might realise what he’s missing while you’re gone. You can focus on your family and other things and remember your value. You are a person too in this relationship and can put yourself first. If you are apart and both realise you’re happier, then maybe that’s a sign telling you what you need to do. Either way, you might both feel more free move forward whichever way that is.

 

[Jojoo]

Copenhagen sounds amazing! I'd love to go there. And great that you have something like that to look forward to.

It's just been quite stunted and sad. We played some music last night and every song just made me want to cry. Today has been marginally better but I don't want to be lulled into a false sense of security. Going to see my family for a few days on Thursday which I'm looking forward to and dreading at the same time. I feel like if I go away he'll just realise that he is happier without me around.

How are you doing? Hope you managed to see your family and have some time away from it all

 

[Saddlesoap]

Also wanted to check in @PsychoKitty

 

[PsychoKitty]

Thanks for checking in guys. Things are much the same, he's making some progress with his own counselling, understanding things like attachment styles and how his upbringing affects him now. While that's all great, I'm not letting it lull me in to a false sense of security.

We have couples counselling on the 15th and I'm trying to keep things as relatively normal and civil until then. I visited my parents for a few days and told them, my wise dad said that at least on the 15th I'll maybe get some sort of answer or from the sessions going forward.

It's been a very long sad Christmas and I'm still lost but going to try to throw myself into work and activities.

 

[whoareyouu]

@Jojoo @whoareyouu hope you've managed to have lovely days x

Thank you. Things seem to have improved a bit but is this calm before the storm again?

 

[PsychoKitty]

Thank you. Things seem to have improved a bit but is this calm before the storm again?

I feel like that too!

 

[unapologeticbxtch_]

i’m glad i found this thread, i know it’s not the same as we aren’t married but my boyfriend has been depressed since i met him due to the loss of a family member a year ago, i haven’t lost anyone in my family since i was a young age and so can totally understand that i won’t relate to it in the same way if that makes sense?

he hasn’t worked in over a year due to his depression and has fallen into a trap of smoking weed and turning to alcohol and sometimes even other drugs as a way to cope, i’ve tried everything i can to try and help in any way i can but to no avail, he isn’t willing to talk to me, a doctor or anyone else.

it’s really taking its toll on me now as selfish as that sounds, i’ve had to pick up two jobs alongside uni to make ends meet for us and anytime we do get with one another, i try to make plans for us just to try get him out the flat but he always declines them.

the other night i was out with my sister and he was off his face, texting me that he was extremely depressed and wanted to end it all, i didn’t see the text as i wasn’t on my phone and i got left a mountain of unkind text messages saying i was cheating etc, i love him but i’m at my wits end, sorry for the massive rant i just wanted to get it off my chest to help myself feel a little better x

 

[Megansnarkle]

i’m glad i found this thread, i know it’s not the same as we aren’t married but my boyfriend has been depressed since i met him due to the loss of a family member a year ago, i haven’t lost anyone in my family since i was a young age and so can totally understand that i won’t relate to it in the same way if that makes sense?

he hasn’t worked in over a year due to his depression and has fallen into a trap of smoking weed and turning to alcohol and sometimes even other drugs as a way to cope, i’ve tried everything i can to try and help in any way i can but to no avail, he isn’t willing to talk to me, a doctor or anyone else.

it’s really taking its toll on me now as selfish as that sounds, i’ve had to pick up two jobs alongside uni to make ends meet for us and anytime we do get with one another, i try to make plans for us just to try get him out the flat but he always declines them.

the other night i was out with my sister and he was off his face, texting me that he was extremely depressed and wanted to end it all, i didn’t see the text as i wasn’t on my phone and i got left a mountain of unkind text messages saying i was cheating etc, i love him but i’m at my wits end, sorry for the massive rant i just wanted to get it off my chest to help myself feel a little better x

Leave him. This man has no incentive to do anything about his situation because you're enabling him to not have to. Why are you taking on extra work to make ends meet for you both? Does he actually make you happy? It doesn't sound like he does from your post. Trust me, there are better men out there. I don't say that because he's depressed, I say that because he sounds like a walking red flag. Texting you when youre out with his sister threatening suicide? And then barraging you with unkind messages and accusing you of cheating? That's not a cry for help or insecurity, that's emotional manipulation. I suspect he has quite a cushy life not working, drinking and doing drugs while you go to uni and work. Why would he want to get better if he is in fact clinically depressed and not just using that as a cover to not have to be a responsible adult?

 

[whoareyouu]

Was

i’m glad i found this thread, i know it’s not the same as we aren’t married but my boyfriend has been depressed since i met him due to the loss of a family member a year ago, i haven’t lost anyone in my family since i was a young age and so can totally understand that i won’t relate to it in the same way if that makes sense?

he hasn’t worked in over a year due to his depression and has fallen into a trap of smoking weed and turning to alcohol and sometimes even other drugs as a way to cope, i’ve tried everything i can to try and help in any way i can but to no avail, he isn’t willing to talk to me, a doctor or anyone else.

it’s really taking its toll on me now as selfish as that sounds, i’ve had to pick up two jobs alongside uni to make ends meet for us and anytime we do get with one another, i try to make plans for us just to try get him out the flat but he always declines them.

the other night i was out with my sister and he was off his face, texting me that he was extremely depressed and wanted to end it all, i didn’t see the text as i wasn’t on my phone and i got left a mountain of unkind text messages saying i was cheating etc, i love him but i’m at my wits end, sorry for the massive rant i just wanted to get it off my chest to help myself feel a little better x

This may not be what you want to hear but if you are only a year in and there’s no kids, mortgage etc - not that those should be reasons you stay, anyway - and he’s not making any effort to help himself then leave him.

Using substances etc whilst you work two jobs is just not fair. It’s clearly affecting your mental health too. X

 

[unapologeticbxtch_]

thanks guys, i think i’m just that type of person who believes they can fix everyone and i’m a people pleaser, all i want to do is make him happy but like you say, he isn’t willing to engage in anything to help his depression and he’s an adult who can make his own choices so it shouldn’t fall down to me.

i think i’m going to have a chat with him about it and tell him how much stress it’s putting me under to see if it’ll help at all but i doubt it, sorry for my massive rant, i don’t want to come across selfish but there’s only so much i can take.

i know that by giving him money i’m enabling him to live the lifestyle he does and it’s my own fault, i know deep down he uses the money for alcohol and drugs but i guess a part of me just lives in hope that he’ll get a job, engage in some help with his depression and we’ll be happy again x