Alcoholism

[AlanBanan]

I still haven’t been able to get in contact with her. But I have taken the day off work tomorrow, and I have taken her dogs to my flat as her boyfriend is in another world with worry because of her behaviour and he’s just not able for them at the moment.

I am going to report her as missing tomorrow, I’m worried about doing it as I know her face and name will be online news columns and I don’t want to embarrass her but I can’t think of any way other way to find her.

Thanks for all being kind to me as I get really embarrassed when it comes to telling people my problems.

 

[Bellaboo83]

Hello,

So, my dad has always liked a drink. As long as I remember he spent a lot of time in the pub and would lie all the time to my mum about where he was, how much he was drinking. Mum finally left him 23 years ago and since then he's lost his job, house and alcoholism swallowed him. He ended up homeless and wouldn't accept our help, we were at our wits end, luckily a policeman found him sleeping rough and it lead to him being housed in council over 65 accommodation.

He seemed really happy and said his time living with nothing had helped him detox and now he didn't need alcohol. Between me and my siblings we each called once a week,two of us live a hundred miles away and one closer so we would call in when visiting and our other sibling would go more often. He didn't like us being too involved, always kept us at arms length and got mad if we interfered too much so we just did what he would allow, but we used to chat about what he'd been up to... Walking / shopping / what he'd been cooking etc

He never needed anything and we always asked, always said he had everything under control and to be fair it always looked that way when we visited. With the onset of covid he became really withdrawn, didn't want us to visit anymore, he became very scared to leave the house. We called on the phone as often as we could (not more than once a week as he said we were checking up on him and would get mad). We sent him food parcels and amazon parcels of masks / sanitiser etc but his life changed quite a lot during lockdown, not feeling safe going out and not seeing anyone.

We had cheery conversations with him and thought everything was okay. He told us everything was okay, we had no reason to worry. We talked the same about food and TV programmes, and how he'd been keeping busy etc

Last week my sibling went over to drop something off at the door and found him on the floor. He hadn't answered my call the night before which made me send my sibling a bit sooner than planned. He was unresponsive. The ambulance came and fire to get them in the house. He had been on the floor upwards of 24 hours.

His house was a terrible state, full with hundreds of cider bottles, messy and unclean. My dad was taken to hospital where he told them this had been happening a lot. They've found him to be severely malnourished, low sodium, low BP, cuts and bruises from other falls, he's undergoing tests still for bleeding on the brain from one of the falls and possible other things including chest xrays and neurological tests. He's still in hospital. We asked if we could get clothes for him / stuff from the house and he said he didn't have anything clean and he didn't even own any socks.

We are absolutely devastated. He hasn't let us near him for the last year because he's been so scared about covid, so we've kept in as much telephone contact as possible but we had no idea what was going on and how bad things had got and over the phone he was always so cheery and told us everything was fine. He was always good at telling my mum what she wanted to hear when they were married so perhaps we shouldn't have taken what he said at face value so much, I don't know.

I don't know what to do, how to help. The hospital have him on detox medication but I'm not sure what that is or how it helps. The alcohol team are involved too. I just don't know how it came to this and why he didn't tell us he needed help.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I've been to clean his house and bought new bed things and clothes and essentials. But I'm not sure what else to do. I don't know medically where he is really and they won't let us visit in the hospital, we are taking regular packages though and we took him a phone so we can call him directly.

Does anyone have experience of a situation being hidden from them to this point? I just wish he had said something, told us he was drinking again, and that it was serious and he was having these falls/periods where he was unconscious, we could have helped, my heart is breaking thinking of what he's been going through on his own and I don't know what to do to help, I don't know what to do at all

 

[AnderbeauJohnson]

I went to the One Stop this evening and had to queue down the wine aisle. All the special offers basically said 'only £7 #thankyoumum' and '£1 off #thankyoumum'.


I hate the way that drinking seems to be targeted more and more at mums these days. I know it's mostly marketing pressure but from what I've seen they try and make people feel like they're a stick in the mud if they don't have #ginoclock or #winetime or telling people that they deserve to have a drink because they've 'had to deal' with home schooling / their children all day.


I'm not silly, I know that most people who drink are able to do it sensibly but a lot of people are able to smoke casually, or even for years, with no health effects. If you had a cigarette advert that said '£1 off a pack of ten cigs #thankyoumum' people would be up in arms about it.

 

[loveanatter]

I’ve read every single post on here & I remember how alone I felt when dealing with it all... thought sharing my story may help anyone else reading to know it’s not just them. I lost my Mum when I was 23 & she was only 47 - everyone always assumes cancer and I mostly let them as I guess there’s a stigmatism around admitting she was an alcoholic, even 5 years later.
When I was growing up I guess she always liked a drink but I don’t think it ever was so bad? Maybe it just didn’t seem it, but she had suffered with depression for a long time which started through post natal depression with my younger brother. Maybe some PTSD in there as she had a really rough ride falling pregnant with multiple miscarriages and then he was a really difficult baby. She got passed back and forth for treatment from depression/alcoholism with neither team ever accepting her. She was depressed because she drank or she drank because she was depressed but responsibility was never taken by either.
She never worked and so I’m not sure how long she would have been a functioning alcoholic but I wouldn’t say she ever reached a truly non functioning alcoholic. She didn’t drink in the mornings and didn’t stay up all night drinking but would consume 2 bottles of wine and possibly a couple of cans of cider everyday.
In 2010 she was in intensive care due to her drinking and literally was hailed as a miracle for recovering. We were called several times to say our goodbyes (I was 18 at this point) as they didn’t think that she would make it through the night.
She stayed sober for 2 years & then saw a different consultant to usual and he obviously hadn’t read her notes properly. Fatally, he said he didn’t see that an odd drink would do her any damage..... obviously anyone that is dependent on any substance can’t just have one!
It was a slippery slope from there with a lot of trips to A&E when she was suicidal and I truly strained life by my Dad/me/my brother. I would drive 130 miles home and she would be asleep at 8:30 obviously from drinking too much.
She was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and fluid on her lungs. She spent a month there, before contracting an infection and her body gave up & she died from multiple organ failure.
Unknowingly I was 3 weeks pregnant when she died & never got the chance to tell her. I’ve spent the last few years wondering if it would have changed anything or actually made it harder as would have had the disappointment at the reality.
My advice would be to make sure you truly grieve. It’s a lot more emotion than having just lost someone & I found That I had probably been grieving my sober Mum for many years already xxx

 

[Annie101]

All of us must remember the 3 C's
you didn't cause it
you cannot control it
you cannot cure it

 

[37BBL]

So here's my update on my person (sister) she did 6 months detox/rehab and has been out since June. One slip up which she admitted to, I've had my doubts on a number of occasions. I always get a 'feeling' when something is on the horizon. Hard to explain as I don't even see her now, but I just know when she is off the rails.
Well, she has been seeing this guy for about 6 weeks, went in all gung ho and has had 2 weekends away with him. We all said it was too soon, this guy was a recovering addict himself. Whilst he seemed nice and was treating her well, it just didn't sit right for any of us. Anyway, he called it a day on Thursday after she had been in hospital for gastroenteritis. He has had a relapse and said the relationship was too much.
My mum walked round to hers and she suspected that evening she had been drinking. She left her to it. She is supposed to see her child today, supervised by my mum. My mum walks round this afternoon, no sign of her. Looks through the windows and cannot see her, apparently bottle of drink on the lounge floor and lounge is in a mess. She didn't turn up to contact. My mum walks round a few hours later, she is on the floor, duvet over her. My mum shouted through the window that she had missed contact and she shouts back 'f off I am still alive'
My mum is just consumed by this. Its clear she is slipping back to old ways. The sleeping, not answering phones, the messy house etc. I feel for my mum and dad, they've paid tens of thousands of pounds for her rehab and she has blown it now.
She will drink her self to death, thats my belief now. She was warned in rehab that she was close to some major health issues.
Its soul destroying having her in my family, she consumes my mum with worry. She just shouldn't be allowed to do this.

I just wanted to vent really xxx

 

[Definitelyme]

Hi everyone.

just found this thread and it’s always really comforting when you find people living the same reality as yourself.

My mum is an alcoholic, and I can really relate to a lot of the stories that have been told here. The biggest one for me was a few people saying their person never says sorry. My mum NEVER says sorry. I believe one of the steps of AA is apologising to those you’ve hurt? Well despite the fact that she’s been an AA member for years and supposedly completed the steps at least once.... never bee apologised to. She completely refuses to accept responsibility for her actions and drinking.

I believe she is currently sober. But I’ll never let myself truly believe it, if that makes sense? She appears to currently be sober anyway. But she’s fooled us in the past, so we had to step back from her to protect ourselves. I never fully trust her, and never will.

Sending love to all who are friends or family of an alcoholic. It is exhausting, and can be all consuming.

 

[starsandsky]

Hi everyone.

I've read the posts here with great interest - some of them make me want to weep.

I'm 32, and am a child of an alcoholic. I'm not joking when I say that growing up in an alcoholic household quite literally ruined my life. I still find it difficult to reflect on my childhood without getting very upset. When I think back to my childhood, I always remember feeling like an adult and never really 'being' a child. It is only today, when I see how *young* chlldren really are is that it really hits home for me. Myself and my siblings were constantly hypervigilent. Always monitoring things. Intervening when we had to. And... always waiting for something to go wrong.

My experiences in childhood greatly impacted my social skills. Weekends would be spent trying to find hidden alcohol and hide it, hide car keys, monitor the alcoholic parent in their movements. So so difficult. I have had major insomnia issues for most of my life which I link back to childhood nights spent awake, trying to ensure that the parent wasn't getting up to drink more.

Obviously this had severe impacts for me and my siblings. Rows between parents and suicide threats. All throughout primary and secondary school. Secrecy was obviously huge and I want to cry when I think of the challenges I experienced in going from behaving like an adult at the weekend to try transition back to being a child in school.

Like most of you, I could probably write a book about my experiences. Of all the horrible emotions in my childhood, the heaviest one I felt was shame. I still feel it in my bones to this day. Never ever feeling good enough. Crippingly low self esteem. I came upon photos of myself from uni years ago and I felt so upset. I can look back now and know that I was as good as everyone else at uni and deserved to socialise, have friends and enjoy myself. Unfortunately due to my mental health I spent most of my time in my room. I developed binge eating disorder as I was so used to suppressing my feelings. Food was my only 'friend.' This led to weight gain and lower self confidence. I was a real mess, struggling with basic things like hygiene and basic tasks like cleaning.

I have researched a lot about children of alcoholics and it has been nice to know that I'm not alone. Some researchers have outlined the 'roles' that children of alcoholics may assume. These are interesting- I am the 'lost child.'

Years later, I still feel ashamed. And angry. And I tell myself that that is okay. I did try therapy once but I felt the therapist tried to fob me off by only focusing on why my parent drank and focused entirely on trying to get me to feel emphathetic towards them. I do feel somewhat emphathetic but I refuse to feel guilty about feeling angry and ashamed about my upbringing. For the first time in my life I am telling myself that my feelings matter and don't need to be glossed over. Angry and negative emotions are normal.

Like most of you, I feel hugely sad and emotional when I consider how my upbringing in an alcoholic household impacted my life. It saddens me when I reflect on my teenage and uni years and remember how I felt, through no fault of my own. What I have found helpful is asking myself how I can now honour younger me who was completely lost and didn't have the tools to be her best life. For me, this looks like pushing myself to have a good career, ensuring that I have good hygiene and live in a clean and tidy space, and showing up for myself at all times... even when it feels impossible. Sending love to you all.

 

[Missmadness]

Sending so much love to you all.




There's so many stories, perhaps we should change this into a support thread - a safe place to release where we can relate?



Oh my goodness how are you? Are you out now?




After everyone else sharing, I guess I should share. My person is my mum. I'm an only child and my dad died when I was young so I was left dealing with it alone. I went through a period of not talking to her after asking her not to drink when she knew she'd see me and she refused. She said she didn't have a problem, it was in my head, she can drink if she wants to, she's an adult etc etc. We've talked a little bit over the last couple of years though it's a difficult relationship but it's never acknowledged.

The trigger for me starting this thread is that my mum is currently in hospital having had surgery after a fall. She claims she didn't fall over anything, trip or slip, she just fell. She also said she did it a day after her sister said did. She generally drinks from lunchtime > early hours on alternate days, and there were empty bottles in the sink. She called me 5 days later having been stuck on the floor. She told me that there were women burning something and a bird in the house, which she's now trying to say is dehydration. Course, what are side effects of alcohol withdrawal...vivid hallucinations! The hospital have diagnosed kidney damage too. She's very convincing when she says she doesn't drink, and whilst on one hand I think the hospital must know, she said she had a health MOT where bloods were taken and all was fine. Sometimes I really feel I'm made to think I'm going mad and it is my issue, not hers, but rationally I know that's from being a young child and being told by the person who you're supposed to trust beyond everyone else that it's my issue, you believe it, but that it's not the case... As a child I felt like I'd be left an orphan as she'd kill herself through her drinking and I'm having all those flashbacks. In the hospital she's on morphine for the main and on the phone, she sounds drunk and can be pretty incomprehensible and it's triggering me every time I speak to her. I'm so split trying to avoiding it and filled with anxiety about it all, so much so I'm not sleeping/eating/functioning well at all. Here endeth a boring tale of me.

I hope you have a lot of support.That sounds so hard.I didn’t have children because of my alcoholism.I actually thought you should have ended that sentence with here is a BRAVE tale of me.

 

[BelindaBlue]

I'm 47 and I've been bought up around heavy drinking/alcoholism most of my life. All my mums siblings are/were heavy drinkers. With mum, it only seemed on occasions that she got drunk (and boy, the arguments, fights, DV, when that happened), but now she's retired thinks nothing of pouring a glass of wine at 1pm.

My stepfather was an alcoholic. To be fair he was generally laid back even when drunk. He died of a brain hemorrhage at 43. My sister is an alcoholic (nearly 9 yrs dry, although has swapped that addiction for a cannabis and controlled drug addiction). She lost everything including her children for a time and it still took her around 3 years to sort herself out. 3 cousins also had/have problems: One was given 3 months to live about 20 years ago, thankfully he has been dry now for nearly 18 yrs. Another died recently at 44 of a massive heart attack. And my youngest cousin has a drink and drug problem at 26 and is currently waiting on rehab.

And then there's my dad. He was never a big drinker until his 2nd wife left him when he was 50. But after that he drank 1 to 2 bottles of wine every day, plus beer at the pub 2 to 3 times a week, for the next 22 yrs. He died of liver cancer 18 mths ago. My son started drinking a lot during lockdown. He was working from home and hated it. At weekends he could get through 12-15 cans of Stella. He ballooned in weight and ended up having to take antidepressants. Thankfully a new job sorted him out. He still has the odd binge but nothing like during those 18mths during the pandemic.

I'm not teetotal by any stretch and I've struggled with binge drinking since a teenager, but it was when I noticed a deterioration in my MH if I drank more than 2 or 3 days in a row that I curbed myself. Yes, I'll still have a skinful if it's a good night, and don't get me started on afternoon drinking! Seeing the effects on my family also helped me understand the consequences.

And then after all that I met my partner who at the time was spiralling into alcoholism for reasons that are his alone. The reasons for taking a chance on him are very complex because of my MH and past traumas. He meets my needs in many ways because of his nature and understanding. Within weeks of seeing each other, he had curbed the drinking right down to levels which surprised me, and a year later he's never returned to his previous levels even if we've been out all weekend.

Sorry for the long post. I wasn't expecting to type out as much, but it's been quite cathartic in a way in a way, getting it all down on a an anonymous forum.

 

[MyLittlePony25]

I wouldn’t say that I was an alcoholic but I was close.
i was really struggling with my mental health. I was self harming in so many ways and my anxiety was horrendous, I rarely slept. I began to use alcohol to self medicate, to drink myself to sleep. I would wake up and do it again. I woke up in hospital so many times, usually because I would drink to the point where I was not aware of what I was doing. Self harm or overdose and I’ve been found outside in my PJ’s. I was placed on section 136 by the police many times but would always be sent home. I don’t think it would have been different if my family and friends were around me or not.
anyway, I went into hospital again and this time I was sectioned for 2 years. I have been home for almost 4 months and apart from a couple of days such as Christmas and new year (where I had 2 drinks) I have not touched alcohol, I don’t even crave it. But mentally I am in a much better place, I’m the most stable I have been in 5 years.

so, if your family members are able to recognise what it is that’s making them use alcohol and treat the root cause then it will be the first step to recovery. But they have to want it and no one can change you but yourself.

I’m sure my family members would be able to empathise with you guys and I am very embarrassed and ashamed of some of the situations I got myself in. I’m lucky that I have no long term issues caused by the amount of poison I put into my body. If I hadn’t been hospitalised I would not have lived to see 2019.

lots of love to all of you

 

[babbling brook]

My husband has a drinking problem. I wouldn't label him an alcoholic but given his family history of "casual" and accepted drinking, I am scared that's where he is heading. He has been dealing with depression the last few years and takes meds but refuses to see a counsellor. I don't even enjoy having a few drinks with him anymore because it brings back memories of him being drunk and questioning our relationship. His parents are useless as they drink every night and have done for as long as he can remember. The irony is he finds it very stressful being around them when they are drinking but doesn't seem to understand that's how I feel being around him sometimes. It seems lately that he can't just have a casual drink. It turns into 5 or 6 (combination of beer and spirits, which makes it even worse). Any advice for the wife of a functional, almost alcoholic?

 

[Annie101]

3 weeks ago I had meeting just out of town, and did not go to the office. I got home earlier than usual and walked into my husbands study to greet him. I saw shock on his face and knew something was wrong. Then i saw bottle of whiskey on his desk. He finished a whole bottle of whiskey while he was working after being sober and going to AA. This time i changed my behavior, i didnt argue, i didnt cry or beg. I asked him to leave nicely. he tried changing my mind but i felt this inner strength i never felt before. During this time he came home to see me, he begged and i asked for a bullet point list of where he see's himself in the future and what changes he will make with due dates.

After two weeks i allowed him to move into the cottage and not the main house. He comes over for dinner every night, and emotionally I am feeling numb. He is however going to more AA meeting and meeting his sponsor more often. In my heart I know i am not giving up on him, but i do not have to surround myself with the addiction.

Lots of love, courage and strength to you all. xx

 

[37BBL]

Just thought I would check in with this thread. Didn't want it to slip off too far.

Hope everyone is well and managing thier situations as best you can. Not too bad here, my person has been sober for 4 months now. As always, I am dubious, but my parents tell me she is doing very well. We occasionally speak, she told me she is being honest for the first time in her life and feels like its clicked.

As I said, I'm always dubious, but massively hopeful for my family that this is turning point.

Hoping you are all well? X

 

[37BBL]

I can really relate to this, I’ve read through the thread and your experience of your alcoholic sister sounds so very similar to mine, and i would also have the same suspicions as you about whether she is drinking again

myself and my sister were only a year apart in age, we grew up as best friends, we done everything together and were very close when we were younger, I’m using the past tense now as she unfortunately died at the age of 30 from years of extreme alcohol abuse

I remember the numerous hospital admissions for withdrawal seizures or because she was basically unconscious from binging, the alcohol induced hallucinations, the drunken ranting phone calls in the middle of the night then having no memory of it the next day, the rehab stays which she ran away from after only a couple of days saying she didn’t want any help, one particular occasion she ran away from rehab with a heroin addict and shacked up with him, so yeah that was lovely for all the family: relieved at finally getting her into rehab and her saying she really wanted stop drinking to get a phone call after two days to say she had ran away with a heroin addict...

her life was an absolute train wreck towards the end, she was in terrible condition and had all the symptoms of liver failure, my mums nerves were shredded to pieces and her heart was broken, and it was me who had to break the awful news to her after finding her dead

I can understand the feelings of just not being bothered anymore, at some point you just have to start protecting your own heart and mental health by emotionally distancing yourself, I went through a really bad couple of years were my nerves were in pieces, I constantly felt ill and couldn’t eat, dreaded the phone ringing, dreading even asking family if they had heard from her, couldn’t focus at work, eventually I had to stop thinking about her problems and start focusing on building my own life, especially as I had tried to help her so many times and had it thrown back in my face

reading through this thread has bought back some terrible memories and reading how some of you have been affected by an alcohol parent absolutely breaks my heart, your parents are the people who are meant to love you and protect you and put your welfare above and beyond anything else, I’m sorry some of you on here did not get that from your mother/father, I hope you can all find some level of peace and healing

Wow, such a similar experience. This has bought tears to my eyes, she is back on it; if you see my latest post above. She had a short lived relationship with an addict too, the break up has seemed to have set her off on a downward spiral.

She has done some truly inexcusable things which I wouldn't even want to repeat on here. I totally relate to the not eating, not being focused and dreading the phone calls. Messages from her old aquantancies that she was in a mess again. The thought that people may tar me with that brush. The fear of seeing her and not knowing whether she was under the influence, over analysing if she laughed or smiled whether it was genuine or drink related. Peering into her bag to see if there was a bottle in there.

I saw her in a bad way once, a black eye which we had no idea how she got, collapsed on the floor. I had to drag her into my car and throw her into her hallway so that my mum didn't have to call the Police.

This sounds horrendously selfish but I really hope that if she is deciding to take this path again, that she just disappears. My parents carry her, and i don't want that burden when they are no longer here xxx

 

[northernspaces]

Hey Northernspaces,

I could have written this message myself. My dad is getting so forgetful, it's getting worrying.
I cannot help feeling guilty but is there anything we can do? I don't think so. He lives with my nan (she's 80 and cares for my uncle with Down Syndrome too) and she has just had enough. She was under so much stress and fatigue last year (after many years) that she has had to have a pacemaker put for her heart as it couldn't cope with the stress. And it's not getting any better...

I feel for you and if you want to talk, i am here for you xxx

It’s such a comfort to know that there is people who understand this too. Sometimes I get in such a rut thinking about how I maybe don’t ‘help’ him enough, speak to him enough etc. But what can I do? We’re the children in the relationship and they are supposed to be the parent and yet it is always on us to contact them or try to help. And it feels like a slap in the face when I hear what his ‘reasons’ are for being an alcoholic because it is petty things like not having gotten enough attention from his dad when he was younger or being in love with a girl who he never married Like.... what do they think they are doing to us, trauma wise???? Having an alcoholic parent is really one of the worst things that can happen to a person and it amazes me how they always internalise their pity instead of thinking for one second about how it affects people around them.

 

[Annie101]

this is what i told my alcoholic

"i would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect"

 

[Definitelyme]

My eldest sister would be the next of kin but she kind of wants nothing to do with it as she has a rocky relationship with my mam due to the shit she put us all through when we were kids and teenagers. My eldest brother feels the same. So I think me being the third oldest would me being her next of kin.

I think I might have to ring the hospital she visits as she missed a very important doctors appointment with the diabetes clinic today, as her bloods are getting too high the past few months and they’re unreadable on the glucose meter and then they’re crashing super fast. I don’t even know if she’s alive.

I think I might have to report her as a missing person as well at this point because she won’t answer me, I have rang her 20 times today and sent 30 messages with no reply.

I’m droning on sorry if I sound annoying

Not droning on at all, this thread is for people who need support dealing with alcoholism and it’s effects, which you are. We can’t be much real help but are glad to be a sounding board

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Please seek the help of your local AA chapter. If you are ready to acknowledge that your drinking is an issue, they can help you move forward. Please also speak openly and frankly with your loved ones. Most of us here are the loved one of an alcoholic, and the lies, secrecy and mistrust that comes with that is difficult. If you think anyone else has been affected by your drinking, it’s time to talk to them and ask them for help as you stop.

Quick update on that.

I've tried to keep off the JC these last few days, but have given in on a couple of occasions, even though I tried to go into denial I was actually drinking again!

But I have visited the AA website and had an online chat with their volunteers, which has helped. Regrettably there are no venues open near me for meetings due to Covid, but they have provided me with support packs, and can continue to chat with them for as long as I want. But the key thing they said was to get rid of any booze in the house, even ordinary wine that is used for cooking. Reduce temptation, is what they recommended.

So I guess my journey starts now

 

[Gembo]

I’m so sorry. It’s hard for me to read this as it’s all still recent for me but I couldn’t read and run. My relationship with my mum was also very difficult because of her alcoholism and we had years of no contact other than I would always send her cards & presents for birthdays, Mother’s Day etc. I don’t know that I can give advice as every situation is different and everyone will feel differently, your relationship will be different. But if I could go back now I would ask my mum what was making her so unhappy that she had to drink so much. It’s not been until recently that I can acknowledge she was a human being in a lot of pain. For a long time I just felt that she was this person who was cold and cruel towards me.

Even had I asked her that though it might not have made a difference. I tried so hard I even had her live with me & my husband for a while but she still continued to drink & lash out at me. Eventually I had to turn my back as my mental health got very bad. I was there for her in her last few years and it was painful but I don’t regret it. I hope things work out better for you. I hope your mum can get help and turn things around because honestly my heart and soul are completely broken and I’m not sure at the moment that I’ll ever really be ok. I deeply empathise with you and wish I could give you some amazing piece of advice but I’m not sure if there is any, or maybe it’s just too soon for me. Do take really good care of yourself, as others have said here it takes a toll that those who haven’t experienced struggle to understand and that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy x