Alcoholism

[Ponponpon]

She’s always been a very anxious person with many issues. She has very low self esteem which means she’s settled for someone who, in my opinion, is no good for her. There just doesn’t seem to be much help available for her unfortunately and I wish I knew what I could do to help too. Thank you for your kind words x

I'm inclined to agree he's not good for her based on that tidbit. No one should have to hear that or have their feelings invalidated by their partner. Does your work have an employee assistance programme? They might have some help if Google is a loss x

 

[Definitelyme]

How is everyone doing at the moment?


On my end my mum is getting a lot worse both physically and mentally and I'm trying to keep her in a mental box so that the stress doesn't completely overtake my life but it's pretty difficult. I guess it comes with practice.

Sending you all my love. My mum is also “my” alcoholic, and it’s so incredibly difficult when they are going through a bad time. I’m sorry to hear things are worse for her, and in turn for you. It’s so hard to try and push it to one side, to turn it off when you need to, I have also attempted this during bad patches, and while I don’t think it works 100%, it definitely helps lighten the mental load.

 

[Nobodyputsbabyinthecorner]

So heartbreaking for you and your boyfriend.. please don’t call yourself out for ‘enabling him’ you did what you felt was right at the time and when you love someone you don’t want to watch them suffer in any way shape or form whether or not you know what is or isn’t for the best for them. I hope you’ve a good support network round you to help you cope and get through this as best you can.. we are all here for you if you need to talk on here x

 

[37BBL]

Highlight and love of my life. Sorry for non dog lovers out there, but we even have our baths together

Gorgeous. And sounds like a much needed companion for you x

 

[Definitelyme]

I’ve just seen my brother. He has allegedly been dry 4 years. I’m almost certain he is drinking again.
We lost our much loved mum summer 2019 & I have limited contact as cannot bear our dad. Narcissist bastard.
I cannot believe my dad hasn’t noticed how bad my brother looks and how obvious it is he is drinking?? I’ve asked my brother & he denies it. But he looks awful. Bloated & gained weight.
I am at my wits end with both of them. Dad & brother.

Im sorry you’ve had to go through this. It’s a horrible feeling when you know (or are pretty sure) a loved one is drinking again. Do you see him regularly?

 

[Annie101]

Don't worry. I won't be driving anywhere. Have got my work to keep me occupied. Just don't like this time of year (I have SAD). And when I get depressed i turn to the booze!

I suppose in one respect joining Tattle has helped a great deal, as well as getting in touch with AA. But like other alcoholics on this thread, it doesn't really matter what help you reach out too at the end of the day its up to the individual to get through it once and for all.

i think its best for you to get your a** back to SA

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Sounds like he isn’t really ready for the help at all, he’s just paying lip service to it. Hopefully he’s ready to make the leap properly soon.

He isnt, at all. He is still avoiding dealing with what drives him to drink. Before drink, it was something else. Before that, something else. I'm so drained from it. I just don't know what it will take.

 

[37BBL]

That's great news you got the job! I hope thats perked you up a bit.

Have to agree that you do need to question the mortgage side of things. Will you be left paying the majority each month if he has a slip up? I think its a hard one to say they can stop if they choose to, my person certainly couldn't stop without professional help. Now they are sober, I believe if they started again they could stop because they have the tools and support to know what to do. Back in the very bad times, there was absolutely no stopping them.

I think you probably need to give an ultimatum. Cards on the table and all, that you know he will not stop overnight but you need some assurances that he is addressing the issues and taking steps to change. X

 

[37BBL]

I haven’t posted on here in a while but just need to vent.

My husband drinks too much and is hugely in denial about it. He was planning to do Sober October and has been so moody and whiny today about needing a drink that I bought him beer to shut him up. Please don’t tell me I’m enabling him; I know that, and I’m annoyed with myself for giving in. But why should I have to be the one to always be the bad guy and get moaned at for not buying him anything when i go to the shop? It is so exhausting.

If your person knows/knew they drink too much, how long did it take before they decided they were ready to stop? What was their breaking point? Bad hangovers don’t deter him and he works from home so doesn’t have to drive. He is so selfish and immature with his drinking sometimes and I’m tired of repeating myself about how unhealthy it is. I’m not getting anywhere because he doesn’t want to admit it’s an issue. There’s always an excuse.. stressful work, stressful house projects, stressful kids, etc.

Breaking point for my person wasn't straightforward. There was a lot, and I mean a lot, of lies. Nobody knew how serious they were into alcoholism. An amazing actress at putting on a front.

My person lost absolutely everything. Home, partner, children, family relationships. They still didn't stop. They always claimed they wanted to but said they couldn't. They caused unimaginable pain by their actions. Whilst I don't want to go into detail, they put other peoples lives in real danger. They got themselves arrested several times, black and blue from falling over. Hospitalised for various self inflicted things. Nothing stopped them though.

It was only when a place became available at a rehab detox centre that they took the treatment. They always said they wanted the rehab and knew they couldn't do it without it.

I genuinely don't know what the turning point was. When they came back from rehab they relapsed after 6 months. They've been sober now 9 months I believe.

I wish I knew the answer but I think its down to them, unfortunately nothing we say or do changes how they act.

I saw my person this evening actually. I always take a few minutes to consider whether I think they're okay (I did) I still struggle with it all though and our very worst times were almost 3 years ago now.

 

[Raininvain]

My husbands dry drunk symptoms out of control again. Treats me like he enemy. For the past 2 weeks my spirit been so low. I had to go through minutes of a meeting I attended at work 2 weeks ago. Between the work related stuff i wrote down words like, i am sad and depressed, suicidal, just want to stop everything. I am getting worried for myself. To others i look so in control, so tough and that i can handle anything. And i can't. Came home yesterday, and my husband moved into the other house on our property. Either to drink and that i can't see, or the deal with his shit. I have never felt lonelier. What good is it living in a mansion, us both having good careers and we so f*cked.

Just leave him seriously.X. I had this with my Dad and he was an alcoholic throughout my childhood and dead at 57. I'd say to anyone just forget the person whoever it is because they will destroy your life as well as their own. Sorry for all the people on here who are struggling.X

 

[Definitelyme]

@lozzapalozza i am so sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds as though things were very tough for her, and for someone still quite young you sound amazingly strong and mature. I’m glad you have your brother and boyfriend, but if you ever need a chat or a vent or anything, that’s what this thread is for.

@TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo i don’t have any knowledge in that area, just wanted to say I’m sorry to hear that someone you love has received that diagnosis x

 

[Definitelyme]

@lozzapaloozza i don’t have anything that can help you really, but sending you lots of love. I’m sorry it’s a tough time for you at the minute xx

 

[northernspaces]

My father was a high functioning alcoholic for almost all my life, then work could him drinking before his shift and he got fired, and that was the beginning of the end sadly. Even after losing him family, job, and house he still could admit he had a problem. We had all tried to get him help but he just wasn’t prepared for it. Sadly Christmas 2014 me and my sister where suppose to visit him and couldn’t get an answer on the phone for days, so my bf drove us to his bed sit, where we spent an hour trying to get dad to open the door, he did eventually and the smell was awful, the bed sit was trashed, vomit, shot, piss, mouldy food, it was heartbreaking to see, whilst dad went to bed, the 3 of us spent over 2 hours cleaning and cooking dad something to eat, which he didn’t eat. He then just started screaming that he needed more booze and we were horrible for not getting it for him, my sister was getting very upset and I needed to get her home and safe for her own mental health, so we told our dad when he is ready for help we will support him( as we had done our whole life) and to call us when he is ready, and we walked out. By the end of January there was a knock on the door at 10pm and it was my mum standing there and I just knew it was her coming to tell me my dad was gone. Apparently the letting agent had come round to do the year checks and let themselves in and found dad in bed, the coroner told us he had likely been dead for 48 hours and I’m so glad it wasn’t one of us that found him, I just wish he had got himself sorted, but only he could make that change, and sadly he was to far in denial until it was to late. There are days were i wish I hadn’t been so angry the last time I saw my dad but I did tell him a loved him which I alway will, I just hope he is looking down and is proud of me

Dont feel guilty, you sound like an amazing daughter who did everything they could. I’m so sorry you went through that. Addiction is truly awful

 

[Ponponpon]

Thank you, it’s very fresh and recent for me and I’m having a hard time coping with it. My Nan died exactly the same way and I lived through that as she lived with us, that was in my teens. The people left behind are left with so much guilt and the desperate feeling there must have been more they could have done. I feel like the things I saw will haunt me forever. Anyway sorry a bit deep but I do know what you’re dealing with x

Oh Gembo, I am so so so sorry. I hope you have support around, you'll have seen others mentioned Al Anon and Cruse offer some great services too. If you want to chat more via DM, please do message xx

 

[Raininvain]

My Dad was a problem drinker/alcoholic whatever you want to call it and was dead at 57. What I would say to anyone who goes through this with a family member is to forget them, they will do what they want to do whatever! Go live your life for yourself with people who are kind, caring and decent, not alcoholics and drug addicts who will just drag you down. Only the person can change, you cant do it for them.
One of my earliest memories is my Dad collecting me from primary school and he stumbled in the road because he was drunk and fell and knocked all his front teeth out on a curb!. I was so embarrassed when a woman came to help him. She didn't realize it was because he was out of it. Another time he nearly killed us both when he lost control of the car on ice after drinking and driving.
I've never really been a drinker and I dont drink at all now, I just dont like it and I dont like being around drunk people full stop.

 

[mcfeez]

Highlight and love of my life. Sorry for non dog lovers out there, but we even have our baths together

What a cutie

 

[Definitelyme]

I'm completely lost on who the person is who was a fraud, have a faint idea but I'll try and read the other thread mentioned to check.
I try to offer support to everyone on here. Not sure why someone would lie about this issue, its not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

Moving on though, I feel the shame of it too. None of my friends know about my person, I wouldn't want to tell them incase they judged. I don’t like to talk about it even to my husband. I really find this thread a comfort though x

I also find this thread a real help and comfort. I have siblings and we are all in the same position, but we never discuss it so having people here to talk to, and listen to others who know what it’s like is a god send.

I went to the One Stop this evening and had to queue down the wine aisle. All the special offers basically said 'only £7 #thankyoumum' and '£1 off #thankyoumum'.


I hate the way that drinking seems to be targeted more and more at mums these days. I know it's mostly marketing pressure but from what I've seen they try and make people feel like they're a stick in the mud if they don't have #ginoclock or #winetime or telling people that they deserve to have a drink because they've 'had to deal' with home schooling / their children all day.


I'm not silly, I know that most people who drink are able to do it sensibly but a lot of people are able to smoke casually, or even for years, with no health effects. If you had a cigarette advert that said '£1 off a pack of ten cigs #thankyoumum' people would be up in arms about it.

Really ridiculous isn’t it? It’s my mum who is an alcoholic so it makes me even more cross. I actually remember years ago, when I was a young teen and didn’t know what was going on with her drinking (I just knew she liked wine) I bought her this massive glass for Mother’s Day that was marketed as one you could fit a whole bottle in. Obviously I was totally innocent and had no idea, but it’s one of those things that comes to me every so often and I could kick myself for.

 

[Definitelyme]

I had a huge fall out today with my mum today. She ‘tackled’ my brother about his drinking and he was just able to deflect as he normally does. I know its wrong but part of me is so fuming with her because she has let him get away with so much in the past and he just always has an answer, excuse or the ability to blame others. Everything feels so messy at the moment.

I’m so sorry this has happened. Well done to your mum for trying, it can’t be easy to have to say those things to your child. I totally get why you are angry, the frustration and anger at the whole situation which is so out of your control, watching a loved one destroy themselves. It’s a lot for anyone to have to deal with try to remember your mum is probably trying her best like you are, and your anger is probably really for your brother who has caused this horrible situation for the 3 of you.

 

[Annie101]

Well that didn't last long!

Back on the bottle - 2nd bottle of wine today. Not good. Yes, I know I should keep off the booze, and I have been in contact with AA, but its not enough.

I need to start afresh but its not going to happen here. The wine and my work keeps me sane. And this lockdown doesn't help at all.

2 bottles of JC in one day. Not good: not clever, and yet I don't feel at all drunk or vague in my thinking.

Plenty of answers but not the right ones

Sorry to hear that, you know you might not feel drunk or vague in your thinking, but your partner would see and feel the difference in your actions and reactions. From your previous post i note that you are a strong person - you know you can overcome this. I dont want to sound preachy but please take action immediately and take care of yourself. Lots of Love

 

[JoeBloggs]

I still haven’t been able to get in contact with her. But I have taken the day off work tomorrow, and I have taken her dogs to my flat as her boyfriend is in another world with worry because of her behaviour and he’s just not able for them at the moment.

I am going to report her as missing tomorrow, I’m worried about doing it as I know her face and name will be online news columns and I don’t want to embarrass her but I can’t think of any way other way to find her.

Thanks for all being kind to me as I get really embarrassed when it comes to telling people my problems.

I’m so sorry Alan, I can feel the desperation in your posts. This must be so hard. You sound very level headed through it all.

I don’t post often but I keep a eye in. Always here for a ear.