Alcoholism

[GiftedNotFree]

I’m so sorry @Jess1991 based on your username we’re around the same age and 21/22 is no age to lose a parent. Heartbreaking. It really is such an awful thing to die from. Hope you’re doing well now!

 

[37BBL]

Thank you everyone for posting your stories, they've really made me feel like I'm not alone for the first time in years.

I've been told my whole life that I'm not allowed to talk about my family to anyone and it would make me an evil person but I've been under so much stress that I'm going to write my thoughts down and if it's traced back to me and I lose them then that's how it is. Otherwise I feel like I could crumble.

My person(s) are my parents. I'm 99% sure my mum is an alcoholic and I'm not sure if I'd classify my dad as alcohol dependent or just a habitual drinker (he has drunk every single night for decades - probably since I was born - but usually in moderate amounts - more on a non-work night - and he has a home breathalyser so if it's a work-night he stops in-time to be under the limit for when he commutes in the morning.)

My mum had a bad upbringing and both of them suffered intense trauma before I was born that they've never recovered from. My dad has always drunk but I never noticed it as a problem when I was a kid. My mum swears that she never drunk a single alcoholic drink when my sister and I were kids but I remember that we used to have a bottle of cider always in a cupboard. I mentioned it to my mum recently and she said it was my dad's and that she never had a drop but I feel like she did and she's lying to me but I can't remember enough to know if she's telling the truth. I've also got a couple of photos of her with me when I'm young and she has the 'drunk' look on her face that I've seen so many times now.

When I was in my early teens (almost 20 years ago) she had a massive breakdown and attempted suicide and I pretty much became her mental health carer. She started on anti-depressants but she's admitted to me that they don't work but she doesn't want to try any others in case they work less. Both of my parents believe that therapy is morally wrong and so she's never got any more help. She had to leave work on medical grounds and hasn't worked since.

I remember being in my late-teens and I know she didn't drink then. My nana would encourage her to "just have one" whenever she went out with us and, when I was around 21, she did have "just one" and things spiralled from there.

I finally managed to move out when I was 22 and she wasn't an alcoholic at that point. I noticed that she was getting drunk more often though and when I was 24 I realised that it was becoming a real problem. I'm 34 now and it's only got worse since.

I haven't seen her since before lockdown one but the last time I saw her she was in an absolute state. She gets drunk every single day. A 'light day' consists of a bottle of wine and four cans of cider. A very bad day can be two bottles of wine and six cans and a couple of cocktails or even more. Her drinking has slowly gone from 'drunk by 9pm every day' up to now 'drunk by 4pm every day' and it's only climbing earlier. She says that it's fine because she "goes to bed early" but she only goes to bed because she's too drunk to stay awake. Both of them say that they can't sleep unless they drink or they have nightmares about their traumatic experience so they're both self-medicating with alcohol to an extent.

I've lost count of the amount of times she's burned her hands and arms trying to fill up a hot water bottle and then not noticed until the next morning. She can't feed herself when she's drunk, she just lies her head on the table and pours the food partly into her mouth. She can't stand up either, she crawls around the floor like a two-year-old and can barely talk, just mumbles unintelligibly. She'll eventually throw a tantrum and then my dad will 'put her to bed' where she crawls up the stairs and then lies in bed eating chocolate (one day I'm sure she'll choke on it and that will probably be the end of her. She's choked on food when drunk many times already).

She has severe memory loss when she drinks. I came out as a lesbian in Oct 2019 (I waited so long because I knew my parents wouldn't be happy and I didn't want to upset them) and when she's sober she's 'fine' with it but I've had so many phone calls from her telling me how awful I am for choosing to be gay and how much I've upset her and how she wants to have a proper daughter and how I'm doing this to spite her and that if I loved her I'd be straight and so many horrible things. Then she doesn't remember that she's said them and when I tell her she says "no, I wouldn't say that, I'm fine with it."

I'm not allowed to be upset with her. If she does something to upset me I have to forgive her straight away otherwise she'll start to panic and says her depression will get worse because of me. It doesn't matter what she's done, I just have to shrug my shoulders and move on and never mention it again because she's sorry and that should be enough and it isn't fair to blame her for something that she's sorry about.

She lies about how much she drinks. I've banned her multiple times from calling me when drunk and I can tell by her voice when she's been drinking but she'll swear that she hasn't and on the sixth time of asking she'll laugh and say she's only had a couple so it doesn't count. I can't not answer the phone though in case she is actually having a crisis. Then, the next morning, she'll say that she's sorry and I have to forgive her and we go round this merry-go-round again and again and again.

I've lost hope that she'll change. She's starting to be affected physically by the alcohol now. She's the same age as my dad but people assume that they're mother and son. They're in their sixties but she looks 85-90. She won't leave the house, even pre-covid she left maybe six times a year. She's forgotten how to drive. She's forgotten how to use money. She's almost completely sedentary at home. She struggles to stand up now, even when sober, and she says it is because of her age but my dad walks 5-8 miles every day in all weather so it isn't her age. She's started to get what she calls 'tired eyes' and I'm struggling to understand what she means but it's something about how they won't stay still? I wouldn't be surprised if there's some kind of neurological damage going on.

I've tried everything. I've tried begging, pleading, ignoring, crying, getting angry, distracting her, bargaining and nothing makes a dent. I told her that she drinks too much and she says "I didn't drink when you were a child so I deserve to drink now" but a) I think that she probably did and b) she obviously wasn't drinking for a reason when I was in my late teens so, considering she's smoked for over 40 years and isn't health-conscious, she must have known not to drink somehow.

I've told her she'll die and she says "that's fine, this is how I want to die." I've told her that her dying affects me and she shrugs her shoulders and says that she's "an adult and can do what she wants". I've shown her photos of people in late stage liver disease/failure and told her that's what is coming and she says "oh well, we've all got to die of something."

I honestly think that she thinks she isn't an alcoholic because she doesn't drink first thing in the morning and she isn't the stereotypical 'homeless drunk on a park bench' but that's exactly where she'd be if my dad wasn't working and able to keep a roof over their heads. She tells me that the amount she drinks isn't a big deal and if I was normal and 'understood how the world works' (I'm currently waiting for an autism evaluation) that I'd understand that she drinks a perfectly normal amount and would stop nagging her when she clearly doesn't have a problem. I've tried to get through to my dad multiple times but he says "that's just how she is" and isn't willing to help them both change.

I honestly feel like it is only a matter of time before she dies, either choking or falling or ending up with liver failure. I feel guilty for thinking it but I hope she dies before my dad does. He has the slightest chance of being able to cope without her but if he goes first she's no chance.

I'm absolutely tee-total after seeing what's happened to her but one of the things that hurts the most is how they both try and push me to drinking when I do see them. I'm always 'ruining the fun' and 'oh just have one' and 'live a little'.

Ever since her breakdown I've felt like I need to be the glue that holds her mental health together. I suffer from my own mental health challenges (I was diagnosed with depression at 14 but my parents forbid me to get treatment and told me I'd be a bad person if I did so I'm only now getting help at 34 after realising that their approach to mental health is not helpful.)

I have felt so much guilt for so long that I haven't been able to fix her but reading this thread has helped me realise that maybe it isn't my job to fix her. I love her, and I'll always be here for her if she wants help but I need to be able to talk about this, I can't let her keep pouring all her trauma into me without being allowed to have a way to let it out. I think when they are open in real life I'll try and go to an al anon meeting - at least one, to see if it helps.

Sorry for the very long post but this has been building up for the past 10 years and it's the first time I've felt able to put my thoughts down. Just for peace of mind - she is an alcoholic right? This isn't normal behaviour / a normal amount of drink that I just think is too much because I don't understand?

Certain parts of your post resonate with me so much and I assume they do for others on this thread.
I don't really talk about my person in real life either, even with husband I rarely talk about her. I found reading other peoples stories almost quite comforting though, as I don't 'know' anyone else who has this situation.
I totally relate with the things you have said, I've wished my person would die before my parents too as I can't imagine how she would be if she didn't have thier support and encouragement. My person spent 6 months in rehab and detox, she came back and relapsed after about 3 months. She has now been sober for 3 months and engages with her Al anon meetings and the zoom calls etc. As far as I know she is doing well. I don't keep in touch and only speak to her if I have to. My parents are very proud of her.

For me though I find it hard to forget. She tore my whole family apart and changed our lives forever. I am not sure I will ever be able to move on and for me ignorance is bliss so I distance myself. If I became involved with her it would effect my mental health and I'm not prepared to let her do that again.

You sound like you have really struggled. I know al anon meetings are still going on, is it worth reaching out and seeing what they can offer? Take care x

 

[37BBL]

Since I moved my husband out of our home he went to rehab for the first time. He lied his way though AA meeting whilst still drinking. Due to Covid no visits allowed and after the first 10 days, he was allowed one supervised 10 minute phone call per week. Rehab phoned me once a week with an update on his progress and advised that he is very open to recovery and sharing. His voice is totally different, there is a calmness i've never heard before. One thing that no one told me before (in my country), which I wish i knew about earlier, is that I could have him sectioned into rehab with the help of a social worker with my signature. I did not do this, he went into rehab willingly.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with the dr's at rehab and my husband discussing boundaries for his return home. I gave a statement on how his addiction affected my life and he worked through it in rehab. Monday he is "released". and I am picking him up at 10. I wanted to write on his forum about what is happening but I felt nervous about everything. Honestly i am scared for Monday, i worry that my expectation are to high or to low, or to have expectations at all. I am afraid of failure. And the biggest worry is relapse as I know we are in the last chance saloon, and that if this doesnt work, I would send him away permanently even though I have a lot of love for him. Lets hope for the best and thank you for listening. Reading your stories makes me feel less alone although I wish none of us have to live with this horrible addiction.

Hi Annie. It's a huge step forward that tour husband is open to recovery and reaching some sort of resolution with you. Given what you have said about him previously lying his way through AA, this change is massive. Speaking as someone who's person did 9 months in detox and rehab, when they were released we were all very cautious. I think you go from having so much intense support , to being back in the real world and its obviously a shock to the system. Hopefully, your husband comes out with the tools he needs to manage, mentally and physically and also perhaps medically.
I won't lie, its a difficult period still, adjusting to them being back in your life and even now 18 months on I am super cautious every time I see my person. I look for signs that perhaps aren't there or clues that they may have drunk.

My person relapsed three times. Twice within a few months of coming out and the last time was almost 12 months ago. I think the rate of people relapsing is high, but, they should have the tools to know how to acknowledge this and address it. The key thing is making sure they continue to access the groups and support networks and talk about things with other like minded people.

My person has been clean for 12 months almost and is convinced they will never use alcohol to deal with a problem again. They know that they cannot 100% commit to that, but they seem more focused that i have ever seen them. I still have my doubts and I go through phases of being anxious and worried and remembering the horrendous pain and heartbreak they caused us. As close family members or friends, I think the effect this leaves on us is so underrated.

I wish you all the luck and positivity in the world, I hope this is your turning point xx

 

[LittleLizzy1985]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry about the loss of you dad, and the miserable years he had prior to his passing. You sound like a truly amazing person to channel all of what has happened in to a positive, best of luck in your future career.

Thank you I see it all around me and and I just want to help, it ruins lives and I honestly believe it should be criminalised, but that's a discussion for another day.

Oh my goodness, your post has made me tear up. You've been through so much, what an awful time for you

I think its amazing how you are still able to remember him as your Dad. I haven't been through anything like that, but my person definitely caused me so much pain and there was a time when I wished she would die and didn't think I would miss her at all.

The career path you are taking is fantastic, what a lovely way yo try and help people who are battling this.

X

Thank you I can't lie, he wasn't always there when I grew up but I always knew how much he loved me and if I needed him he was there. As I got older I was able to spend time with him away from his drinking which we both treasured.

I'm sorry your person has caused you so much pain, I hope things are (or can get) better and you can have some peace in your life

Thanks for your post and it’s really amazing that you want to go on and help others dealing with the same disease.

Just wanted to say that you shouldn’t be hard on yourself about recognising the signs of cancer, it’s so hard to help anyone and recognise what is alcohol and what is cancer and quite honestly the alcohol I’m sure led to the issue, I have lost two people close to me, my uncle and mum from similar cancers (mouth and throat) and was told by the hospital that the alcohol was very likely the cause of it. My mum’s was treatable but because she wouldn’t stop drinking she couldn’t be treated properly and died at 44. You did everything you could, you can only help those who want to be helped and sometimes it has to be from a distance

Thank you I just want to turn my dad's suffering into something positive and where I live there is a huge demand for it, unfortunately

Thank you for your kind words of reassurance, at the time I didn't even know oesophageal cancer was a thing and now it feels like it flipped my world upside down. The doctors said that the type of cancer he had is caused by alcohol and even if it wasn't so advanced they wouldn't be able to treat it because of the condition of his liver.

I'm sorry for your losses, I hope you now have some peace and comfort that they are no longer in pain

 

[leapricot]

That’s something that I hate - they don’t seem to realise other peoples reactions?? Like they don’t understand a situation because they are drunk and its embarrassing to be witness to. That lady should be ashamed of herself for taking advantage of your dad like that....

Waiting for my dad to get in an accident too. Its only inevitable and the only thing I can do is refuse to get in the car with him if he is drunk or threaten to phone the police if he does drive anywhere but it is hard because we dont live together so I dont know when it happens most of the time.

He was in rehab for the first time before lockdown then relapsed during lockdown. He blames being in on his own, says that lockdown was the worst thing to ever happen to him () and yet I know for a fact he was always out the house food shopping, cycling drunk, golfing, seeing women etc.

Your relationship with alcohol is what I want mine to look like! They say it’s hereditary in families so it is amazing you have stopped drinking in its path I want to just have a couple of drinks to unwind and enjoy but not get blackout drunk everytime I go out with friends.

They always have good excuses don't they...

I just wish that he has another car accident and that they sentence him to a bit of prison to teach him a lesson (I know it sounds harsh but it seems that nothing is working anyway).
He had found another job about 3 years ago but he got sacked because of his alcoholism.
Yesterday I called my nan and I spoke to him and he was obviously drunk. When I hung up the phone, all the things I kept for myself during the past year had just come out and I couldn't stop crying.

During the 18 months I've been sober I allowed myself to have a drink for a special occasion - had one glass of champagne on New Years Eve and a sad little beer during my quarantine birthday (I was looking forward to going out with friends and having one fancy cocktail that's why it was a sad beer ). The day I decided to stop binge drinking I knew it's not like I'm never going to drink again, I just didn't want alcohol to be such a big part of my life. At times it was very hard not to order a beer or wine when out with friends and everyone around me was having a pint, my hand were itching for a drink. But I knew that if I drink in front of people once they will know I drank and next time we saw each other it would be hard to explain why I'm not drinking. So I didn't. And I won't. That glass of wine 2-3 times a year will be my only contact with alcohol.

I am in the same situation as you. My relationship with alcohol has totally changed. I don't really drink anything. Perhaps once or twice a year I would get really drunk but that's about it. And I have always been funny to be around people who drink quite a bit (i.e my ex boyfriend was drinking quite a lot and I wasn't feeling comfortable with it at all, it's probably one of the reasons why I left).

Alcoholics people around us really do change our lives a lot... and perhaps not for the best..

Sending lots of love to everyone

 

[Annie101]

Thank you guys i am so relieved.

 

[Definitelyme]

I’m so sorry. It’s so hard being able to see how they’re hurting themselves but know there’s nothing to be done until they’re ready. Thank you for replying x

Im sorry for what you are going through. despite what has happened with my mum I still can’t imagine how horrendous it must be to deal with alcoholism in your partner. I really hope he has the awakening he so desperately needs x

 

[babbling brook]

I follow sober accounts too . .
SoberDave is a good IG account
And Endlesspossibilities. .

SoberDave is brilliant. So interesting. I will search for Endlesspossibilities.

 

[37BBL]

Just a quick one to say I hope you are all well and managing during this lockdown.
Sending support to those who need it x

 

[Flowergirl14]

My heart goes out to you xz

 

[Definitelyme]

Another bump up. Hope everyone is doing well.

 

[Whazgoinin]

I would echo Al-anon. If anything it is so helpful to listen to other people in exactly the same situation and know that it is not you and it it not your fault. The one thing I have taken from Al-anon is the 3 Cs - I didnt Cause it, I can Cure it and I can't Control it. It also helps you to detach from the the alcoholic, and understand that they are not the same person you know and love, they have a disease, are sick and need help. Unfortunately in the UK unless you have private insurance, that help is near on impossible to get. It is heart breaking.

There is also Al-ateen for children of.an alcoholic.

I didn't know there was a support group for children, I'll have a look at it as it appears my daughter is struggling and so may benefit from some support.
I've started taking to a therapist which has helped structure my concerns rather than me making myself feel like I'm just having a moan and I think the 'community' element of AlAnon could really help, even if its just listening to others in a similar situation.
The three Cs make a lot of sense and if it helps detach the behaviour from the person then it has a functional use for me on a day to day basis. When I think about my situation I'm finding myself swaying from feeling grieving and upset to angry and irrational, neither of which is very pleasant.

 

[Mayday]

A grandparent of mine was an alcoholic. I was say he was a 'functioning' one until I got a bit older, and then it spiralled out of control (as in, he wouldn't eat at all most days and would survive off alcohol). He eventually died from liver failure when I was a teen as he wouldn't get help (I think part of it was being a man and part of it a generational thing, so he'd try to stop for a bit on his own and have hallucinations, then be back on it after a week)

I would say coping mechanisms...definitely distance yourself if you feel thats best for you. I didn't see him as much towards the end and feel guilty about it, but it was the right decisions for me.

Unfortunately, I think its one of those things where the person affected has to want to get help - you can't make them. You can offer support or suggestions for alcoholics anonymous meetings (or online support groups/counselling, as I think thats on offer at the moment for free), finding something else to fill their time/that void (whether thats exercise, being creative, volunteering etc) and making them realise that recovery might not be linear, but it doesn't mean they've failed.

 

[iloveanimals]

We had a lady on here who had a problem with alcohol who had a fake persona, nothing she said was true.

all revealed all the thread same sex flirting

Thanks, sorry i am a nosy cow, but i have been suspicious of characters in this forum before and they are always very popular x

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you so much!
I was on the verge of giving up, I felt powerless to help her.
I'm glad she's made the decision to try to quit and seek support.

That decision coming from her is so huge! I hope it turns out the very best for her.

 

[lozzapalozza]

Hi,
I was just wondering if anyone has any experience with someone they know having serious liver disease? What is the average time span between that and end stage?
I can't face reading all of google at the moment (although I'm sure I will tomorrow), thought some of you here may have some helpful input. Thank you.

Hey lovely. I’m so sorry you are going through this. From my experience, but please take into account everyone is different i.e drinking different amounts, for how long, if they eat ect ect (there are so many different factors, I recall my mum was told around 2016 her liver was damaged and that she would die if she continued and she passed this year.

 

[JoeBloggs]

She still isn’t back home. I don’t even know what to say, I know she’s alive, I just don’t know where she is. She still won’t pick up the phone or reply back to my texts but her Facebook messenger does tell me that she is active and seeing messages I am sending her.

At this point I’m just gonna have to cut my losses with her, as I’ve tried everything in my power to try find her and make sure she gets home safe and can get better.

I don’t want to derail the thread anymore so I will only update if she’s back.

Seriously thanks to all of you for letting me rant and let me write out my frustration over her and giving me advice it means a lot xxx

You have done so much for her Alan, do not feel bad for the position she’s put herself in. The ball is in her court now. Look after yourself

 

[gmf21]

You’re doing something very hard and you deserve support, I spoke to an amazing counsellor through a charity called Icarus Trust but I can’t find the link now. Will have a search and see what I can find.

 

[Ponponpon]

I wish alcoholics could see what it did to my mum. She ended up stuck in a bed on oxygen, soiling herself and required carers. All from drinking. And then she died and it wasn’t pleasant. I often looked at her thinking if people could see this it might stop them in their tracks

Oh I'm so sorry Sending so many virtual hugs.

This thread is so sad.

 

[theghosttown]

Sorry I posted a while ago haha. Long story short my mum was an alcohoic for a long time, she developed ulcers which kept bleeding and she had to be hospitalised twice for haemorrhages. She also had kidney and liver failure and then in December she was mainly bed ridden, couldn’t do much, would be going to the toilet in her own bed and didn’t even realise that was a bad thing, wouldn’t wash herself because she didn’t even know she would smell type thing. Anyways in January my nan walked in and she was haemorrhaging again, my brother rushed in and said he could hear a weird noise (death rattle) and the paremedics worked on her for over an hour (they knew she was gone) but had to transport her to hospital to declare she was gone. I remember on the way to A&E I had no idea she was gone, I refused to accept it. My dad was waiting at the doors and he just looked at me and said “she’s gone”, still didn’t believe it until I walked into the family room and just whaled in pain. They said they ulcers were bleeding into her stomach so passing as faeces so it wasn’t as obvious about bleeding but when we got home my poor nan had to remove her bed sheets that were so heavy with blood


It happens everyday. I also keep getting panic about death in general i.e me dieing, what happens ect it’s so horrible thank you everyone

Oh bless you, that sounds like a really traumatic experience for you to go through. Perhaps it’s manifesting as ptsd. My husband has a horrendous phobia of death, the unknown, time & space etc. He can sometimes have panic attacks when he thinks about it and it becomes a never ending circle. It’s a very real and very scary fear that affects people. I try and explain that it is completely normal to feel like that because it’s the unknown but honestly if you find it is getting on top of you then deffo go to the doctors. I struggle periodically with really bad panic, quite similar to what your explaining and it’s fucking awful. Please talk any time you need to. Do you have a support network around you x