Alcoholism

[Definitelyme]

My mum has had issues with alcohol for years but over the past 6 months she has made herself so unwell a few times. She tells me she can’t stop being sick, has pains in her legs, can’t sleep, hallucinations. She actually thought she was going to die one day. Anyway, she seems to be able to stop drinking on her own terms and will be totally sober for around 4 weeks. After that the alcohol slowly creeps back in again and before we know it she’s making herself ill again. I’ve told her sober that I think she needs help with staying off it long term, she manages for a few weeks then just goes back the way. Does anyone else’s relatives do this too? I find it so frustrating because I always think surely she must enjoy her life sober, she’s always busy, such a nice person and then when she drinks she literally never leaves the house.

My mum seemed to do something similar for a while as well. She’d say she was stopping, making a real effort. Then you’d find empty wine bottles stashed everywhere weeks later.

I find the lies the hardest to deal with. The bare faced lying right to my face, and the lying by omission. How can you ever trust that they are really staying sober if they’ve lied about it so many times before?

One of the things that is so hard about alcoholism is the balance between knowing that your loved one must be suffering in some way and the desperate need to help them but the need to protect yourself from the abuse and the emotional toll of it all. There is the school of thought in general that if you really love someone you never turn your back on them no matter what and that can lead to a lot of guilt in the families of alcoholics, I know I struggle with it. But when you’re being screamed at, sometimes abused it’s hard to do anything but try to protect yourself. It’s often the case that the family members can go on to suffer depression, anxiety, even have panic attacks and breakdowns. Its an awful thing to experience.

This is hard for me. I feel a real pull between knowing alcoholism is a disease, not a choice, and therefore needing to help as much as possible... but also needing to protect myself and my own mental health from the lies and the behaviour that accompany the drinking. I always think if she were diagnosed with cancer I would support her without question and I should be able to do the same with alcoholism. But the negative effect it has on me means I have to step back so I am in a good space for taking care of my own kids.

Out of interest, how many people with an alcoholic parent don’t drink? I never touch the stuff, whereas my siblings are “normal” drinkers (a few glasses of xyz a few times a month).

 

[37BBL]

I'm so glad you had a nice time with your sister over the weekend. I absolutely understand that feeling of all being normal and then thinking "oh wait, you have done so much to hurt us all" it’s hard to reconcile the two faces of that one person sometimes. Great to hear your sister is doing the zoom meetings, I know my mum has been doing them too, and "hosting" them as well, as she leaves her notes for them about her house at times. But she’s been in AA in the past and still drinking so .

but sometimes I think you just have to take what you can get. That afternoon with your sister is a good memory, and it’s important for me that I try and keep the good parts and remember them and not be suspicious and worried all the time, as I find that absolutely exhausting.

I totally get the suspicions, my sister lied to us all for so long, even recently, so I am always dubious.

Agree that you have to take what you can get with alcoholics though, the constant worry and anxiety is absolutely exhausting and consuming.

Hopefully your mum is taking some positives from her zoom meetings and if she is hosting some thats a good thing too. Its hard though, there isn't a day where I don’t think about the worst case scenario. As you say though, having a couple of good recent memories is a welcome break from it. Xx

 

[Annie101]

I dont ever share the details at al-alnon, i went for counselling for 8 months without admitting to her that my husband is an alcoholic. I go and listen to stories of other people to give me courage and then of course the happy stories to give me hope.

 

[LittleLizzy1985]

Hi all, I have messaged in here before about my dad and his binge drinking. We are currently in another binge period - since February he has been drinking everyday and just lying in his bed. I haven’t gone along much or phoned him but it is just really hanging over my head. I was looking at old photos and came across one of him as a little boy and I just felt so sad for him, and what he has become. He is such a talented, funny person with such a dark cloud over his head. I hope you are all doing ok

I'm sorry to hear this I know it's difficult to step back but remember it's self preservation. I hope he can find the strength to come out the other side soon

 

[GeorgeP123]

Yes. I always find it ironic that my mother accuses her mother of extreme narcissism, and doesn’t see it in herself

I've just come to realise it really. It's madness. The person I knew who suffers with drink problems used to pick apart everything I did. He hated me for chewing too loudly, accidentally making a little mistake such as leaving the door open, mopping too slowly, list is endless but actual having a go at me over nothing. Actual hatred and annoyance when I've done nothing wrong. I've read that is a sign of narcissism. He actually said to me "I've travelled the world, bet I've been to more places than you" as if that makes him better than me

 

[babbling brook]

It’s great to hear he has made such progress in cutting back his drinking, and is resisting it the rest of the time.

I wonder if depression and stress are in play if he may benefit from increased exercise? This is something my mum has found very useful in helping keep her depression in check, which in turn helps keep her alcoholism in check. It may not be something you can do, but maybe talk to him about overcoming that desire for a drink by replacing it with something else, like a walk or a gym session to take his mind off it.

As for your own reactions, if it were me and he said that I would try as much as possible to simply ignore it and not provide him with a reaction. Your own emotions will be trickier to control, I can’t imagine how stomach churning and worrying it is to hear him say that and wonder if he is going to have a binge that night.

Thank you! Exercise absolutely would make a difference. He was doing well with getting out for a run a few months ago, then got out of the habit and never started back again. He is always tired and can’t be bothered to go outside, but I guess that is also part of the depression. I think I need to keep encouraging it, but also get us all out for some more family walks as that usually helps too.

It’s also really good advice for me to ignore his comments. It’s hard not to snap something back at him but I am slowly learning that reacting emotionally doesn’t help the situation and just makes me feel more upset. The heavy drinking started nearly two years ago now and it feels like we’re just going in circles with our conversations about it. It’s exhausting to constantly think about it and wonder when things will feel normal between us again. One step at a time.

 

[gmf21]

Isolation is right, I didn’t realise how much until he stopped (still stopped, fingers crossed).
Try an Al Anon meeting, if you don’t like it you don’t need to go again, but maybe something will resonate? I think SMART recovery do a family thing as well so if that’s near you it could be good?
how old are your kids, that must be hard.

 

[CosmicCreepers]

Sounds to me like massive red flags for alcoholism. It doesn’t matter how much it often a person drinks, if they can’t do without that drink, it’s an addiction. Your friend’s boyfriend sounds like he has a big problem, which he is somewhat aware of, but sounds like they are trying to bury their heads in the sand a bit.

It is concerning. He clearly has a problem with alcohol and your friend is enabling him. He needs to start going to AA meetings, and start seeing a therapist to work on whatever underlying issues he has. he also needs to find some actual decent friends who actually give a shit about him; the people he has around him clearly couldn’t care less for his welfare if they keep facilitating/encouraging this behaviour every week.

Thank you both for replying. I knew I wasn’t just being ridiculous. She has said to me before “he doesn’t drink every night so it’s okay”. I know from my own issues it doesn’t need to be every night. Another thing is that he is managing to work okay during the week. But he spends all his money on going out and drinking…not saving up to move out or anything.

I feel like she is in denial and I don’t want to push her away

 

[Ponponpon]

Sending you love and support. That sounds so hard. I completely get the triggering, when I speak with my sister if she sounds slightly tired I immediately think she is under the influence and then the anxiety starts, i always get cold shaky legs when I am anxious about it for some reason.

She went through a few hospital stays too where she was medically detoxed, she would be shaking from the withdrawal. As soon as she came out she was back on it. When she couldn't have as much as usual, the hallucinations started. She regularly used to message my mum saying our relative was out partying and she had seen her down the street in someone's house, or that she had the tea on the table and was waiting for her children (they were no longer in her care) she even made a full meal one day believing we were all going round for tea and then kicked off that it was never even a conversation.

I still have thoughts that she will die from this. I picture and act out the conversations that I will have with people when she had gone, explaining what happened. In my head it will be easier if that did happen.

In my experience, they can only get help when they admit it and when they want to. You cannot force them to do it because it won't work and they will go back on it. So many terrible things happened to my sister, she lost her licence, her home, her children, her partner and her family, but she still wouldn't take the steps. Alot of it I think was the lack of help and support in our area, she had to go on a waiting list for a long time to get into the detox centre. When they called to say they had space it was a case of be here in 2 hours or lose your space and go back to the end of the list. It then cost my parents thousands to pay for her rehab and to then clear her house and sort out a new place for her to live. What I was told by someone and it always stuck with me, was that she is a grown adult and she made her own decisions and is an alcoholic wants to hide it then they will find a million ways to do so. She was clever, we had no idea how bad it was until something horrific happened.

She has relapsed once that I know of since she came out. I expect her to do it again. I think of her as a very selfish person and I cannot understand why she makes the decisions which she does.

My dad goes to al anon support group, he finds it very good. I never have. I shut her off in my mind and I don't speak about her aside from asking my mum if everything is OK.

Have you considered a support group? Maybe it would be helpful for you, you sound like you are in contact with your mum alot more than I was with my sister. Perhaps talking about it would help you with some strategies on managing her moving forwards xxxx

Goodness your sister....
I completely agree that they will only accept help of they want it and have to acknowledge the issue first. It's so complicated and frustrating.
The contact with my mum is only more regular at the mo with her being in the hospital, before that it was a once a week 'do you need anything' in lockdown as she's over 70, but before that once a month. It's very awkward for me.
I haven't been to a support group, I've looked into it since it was mentioned here. I'm not ruling it out but I find stuff like that and anything exposing my feelings really hard. Life is so bleugh.

 

[Definitelyme]

Found out this morning my Mother who has been an on/off alcoholic my entire life is back on the drink. She has been asking her domiciliary care workers to buy it for her. I think that's what annoys/upsets me the most about it all - how desperate can you get? How embarrassing? How dare they for doing it?

When I confronted her about it, she blamed it on lockdown and said she hadn't drank in ages. It's been a week - I can't stand the lying. And there is always an excuse. If it's not lockdown, it's something else.

I got so angry and began shouting at her.. any wonder my brother is so f*cked up etc. And now I am in this awful cycle of feeling angry, reacting and then feeling guilty for it. All these emotions feel like a big knot in my chest. This same scenario reoccurs every few months and the feelings are always as strong each time.

Have been a long time lurker of this thread but just really needed to vent after this morning and I figured people here would get it more than most.. I hope you are all doing ok and thank you for making me realise I'm not alone in this.

So sorry to read this. As you’ll probably have read it’s my mum as well, so I really do know how you feel. Shameful that her care workers are buying it for her, even if they don’t know the extent of her problem. Can you speak to them/the agency about it? Cut off her supply?

Don’t feel guilty for being angry. She has let you down (again). It’s natural to be angry. I can relate to the ball in your stomach feeling you get, and I’m just so sorry you’ve had this happen to you over the weekend. glad you posted though, because we all know how you feel and how horrendous it is when you find out they’ve gone again

 

[gmf21]

Icarus Trust seem to have gone very quiet, I can’t really find anything online since before new year, but you could try a dm via twitter? They were amazing.

 

[Definitelyme]

When i say things are good, i mean that i am not being verbally and emotionally abused. I am not locked outside the house or locked inside a room. Those are my good days. He is not drinking but with all the dry drunk symptoms, it makes me sad going home at night, and hear what pissed him off during the day and just vomiting negative stuff. I get sent flowers etc, and i appreciate it, but in my perfect world it would be nice not feeling tense, nervous going home or being in an amazing mood and him being so negative so that it sucks all the life out of me. But like they say - one day at a time. Thanks for your support on our little group xx

Sounds like things are still so tough for you, and I’m so sorry to hear that. Better doesn’t mean good, and nobody should ever have to feel worried about going home. Am I right in saying you got a little dog recently? How is s/he getting on?

 

[Raininvain]

Yesterday my friend told me she is an alcoholic. She says no one else knows about it, not even her boyfriend. She drinks every night because her anxiety is so bad. In the morning she is really sick but tells those close to her that it’s due to her anxiety. She’s tried to get help- a psychiatrist told her they couldn’t help her unless she cut down on her alcohol consumption. Clearly it’s not that easier for her. I told her I’m here for her if she needs to talk but I just felt pretty useless tbh- I’m not sure what I can do to help and support her

Tell her to go to the G.P and ask to be referred to the local drug/alcohol team for support. Or google it for your area and go down with her.X

 

[Definitelyme]

My father was a high functioning alcoholic for almost all my life, then work could him drinking before his shift and he got fired, and that was the beginning of the end sadly. Even after losing him family, job, and house he still could admit he had a problem. We had all tried to get him help but he just wasn’t prepared for it. Sadly Christmas 2014 me and my sister where suppose to visit him and couldn’t get an answer on the phone for days, so my bf drove us to his bed sit, where we spent an hour trying to get dad to open the door, he did eventually and the smell was awful, the bed sit was trashed, vomit, shot, piss, mouldy food, it was heartbreaking to see, whilst dad went to bed, the 3 of us spent over 2 hours cleaning and cooking dad something to eat, which he didn’t eat. He then just started screaming that he needed more booze and we were horrible for not getting it for him, my sister was getting very upset and I needed to get her home and safe for her own mental health, so we told our dad when he is ready for help we will support him( as we had done our whole life) and to call us when he is ready, and we walked out. By the end of January there was a knock on the door at 10pm and it was my mum standing there and I just knew it was her coming to tell me my dad was gone. Apparently the letting agent had come round to do the year checks and let themselves in and found dad in bed, the coroner told us he had likely been dead for 48 hours and I’m so glad it wasn’t one of us that found him, I just wish he had got himself sorted, but only he could make that change, and sadly he was to far in denial until it was to late. There are days were i wish I hadn’t been so angry the last time I saw my dad but I did tell him a loved him which I alway will, I just hope he is looking down and is proud of me

That is just so awful, I’m so sorry for you and your family x

 

[Definitelyme]

I got ignored for 2 days, without knowing what i've done wrong. It torments me, I write little notes asking to just tell me what I have done. But then suddenly it is over and he is happy again. I am assuming that it is the dry drunk symptom. We are going away to a game lodge for a week next Monday, first time away this year and i am sure it will be good for him as i am an essential worker and been working all the time, but he has been housebound since February 2020 which cannot be good for mental health. Life is full of ups and downs with an alcoholic, and in reality we dont think I will ever just accept the situation, as it breaks me each time. On a positive note i bought myself a Tzu Shih puppy yesterday and i AM IN LOVE

Aww very cute!! Nice to have a little pup to cuddle and focus attention on I’m sorry you had a horrible few days though. Ignoring someone is such childish behaviour, but actually something I grew up with from my non-alcoholic parent, simply due to his bad temper. I hope you have a lovely time away and it makes all the difference to you both x

 

[babynice]

I broke up with my long term boyfriend because of his drinking. I always thought that he would stop drinking and be he his sober self and that we would end up together. I was with him for 4 years and alcohol was always an issue.

He would drink a couple of nights a week but could easily go without it. But sometimes he would drink and take it too far and just lose his mind. I have seen him become very nasty when he drank. Sometimes he became very destructive of the house and could get physically aggressive with me. He got arrested at least four times when he was drunk. His mother threw him out because he wrecked her house after drinking a bottle of whiskey. He smashed the windows of his car when was drunk. He drinks and drives. He turned up to work drunk on a few occasions.

He would say he would stop drinking and after a few weeks he’d say he can just have a few bottles of beer and it will be fine. Then it turns into him drinking stronger stuff after that.

Earlier this year he gave up drinking for over 2 months. When I found out he had drank again I couldn’t handle it and ended things. A few weeks ago he rang me when he was drunk fighting with me saying I didn’t care about him. I later found out he was driving around drunk that night and went to collect a family member from work. They said he was driving very dangerously.

I ran into him during the weekend at the pub and met him the next day to talk. He asked me to go back to him and told me he doesnt want to drink anymore. This makes no sense to me as he was at pub during the weekend and drinking the weekend before also. He is just telling me what I want to hear. When I said no he said I had no faith in him and that I was basically saying that he would be drinking all his life. He made me feel so bad and guilty. I don’t know will he ever stop drinking but I just can’t handle anymore of it.

 

[Holidaybobs]

Fuck this was like reading my own story. I am sobbing. There are no other words I can say

hope you are doing well now.

 

[Ponponpon]

Yesterday my friend told me she is an alcoholic. She says no one else knows about it, not even her boyfriend. She drinks every night because her anxiety is so bad. In the morning she is really sick but tells those close to her that it’s due to her anxiety. She’s tried to get help- a psychiatrist told her they couldn’t help her unless she cut down on her alcohol consumption. Clearly it’s not that easier for her. I told her I’m here for her if she needs to talk but I just felt pretty useless tbh- I’m not sure what I can do to help and support her

Oh my goodness. Is the AA route an option for her? Is she able to tell her boyfriend?

 

[Definitelyme]

he stayed sober!!!

That’s wonderful! A real achievement for him

 

[Gembo]

They haven't given her a time frame. Just that it won't improve from this point on. He's had a lot of fluid drained from his abdomen in hospital and they have said the liver damage is severe but I think their main focus is treating the Covid at the moment. Perhaps they will be more specific as time goes on.

I've had another chat with my son and he seems to understand that I just don't have any answers for him at the moment. It's hard because I want to protect him as much as possible. The Covid situation has meant it's already been a year of uncertainty and unknowns for him (along with everyone else in the world). Fortunately he has a really good support team at Forward Thinking (a branch of CAMHS) and has an appointment this week, so I will ask if there is any counselling or other resources available for him.

That’s a good idea. I can appreciate how hard it must be, I as an adult found it hard enough to wrap my head around so for a child it will be that much tougher. It may be that they themselves can’t say at the moment. Whether he continues to drink or not will be a contributing factor. I wish I could offer more advice but only have my experience to draw on. I’m glad your son has you and I am so sorry that you both have to through this, alcoholism is devastating xx