Alcoholism

[iloveanimals]

I just had a quick look and it does look good actually, thank you. I do have the Watership Down song in my head now though.

good luck in your endeavours xx

 

[Gembo]

Thank you. Feeling a bit more composed this morning. I’m just not sure how to broach the subject. Me and mum don’t have the most open relationship and communication has never been her strong point. Despite pushing 30, I still feel in a way like a child who shouldn’t know or be involved in these things because it’s above my station, maybe that’s a defence mechanism or something to avoid difficult family drama idk. If something has happened she will have to tell me sooner or later. Seeing family today so I’m going to find out if anyone knows anything but I doubt they will. Maybe see if I can get my grandmother to talk to her.

I hope you start feeling better. I can relate to your relationship with your mum and I also always felt like a child around my mum too so I know what you are saying. Fingers crossed you can find something out today and I hope you can feel less worried about it all. It really does take such a toll xxx

 

[Definitelyme]

I've been following this thread for a few days after stumbling across it recently and I'm kinda glad I did!

I'm pretty sure my mum is an alcoholic and depends on alcohol too much. Every Christmas, birthday or family event in general is always ruined by my mum drinking far too much and getting far too affectionate with my brothers (I have 4... they hate this, as does their wife/partners), she just sits and stares for ages. She becomes passive aggressive and nasty but never actually violent just emotional and attention seeking. She gets to the point where she can't walk too and just laugh it off. I've found that most times we've visited (pre covid) she drinks so much, and I think since lockdown 1.0 had started she's drinking a lot more, (she did joke that her and my step dad had bought half of Tesco's wine aisle), even "enjoying" a gin & tonic around lunch time, her gin measures are double if not triple the amount you should have at any time. She barely eats anything, and I've noticed recently (visiting as we're bubbled, she has found out she potentially has early stage cancer and my step dad is shielding due to a health issue) she has the shakes all the time, and her face swells up a lot. I've also noticed she doesn't drink anything but alcohol or the odd cup of coffee!

I've found out since, from my two oldest brothers, that the past year she has been collapsing a lot and can barely walk now as she faints/loses feeling in her legs. The past few weeks she's been hospitalised due to lack of any good nutrients - from what I assume, and has come home a few times but has barely been able to stomach a slice of apple. She barely eats anything. Her behaviour has changed too, she always seems on edge, and has become quite nasty with two of my sister-in-laws. One had a baby 9 months ago and from what I've been told my mum has blamed her for a lot of things, such as not being able to see her grandchild (when actually it's covid) but she's sent passive aggressive texts and asked not to see her with my brother and baby (bitter much).

I'm looking for some advice, does it sound like she has alcohol damage? Is this the beginning of organ failure? I can't find anything online, but I almost want to prepare myself for the worst because I have a feeling it's coming. As far as I'm aware I've lost my mum, she's not the woman I've known growing up! I'd say she's been depended on alcohol for the last 10 years and she's definitely started drinking a lot more than before!

Sorry if this isn't the right thread, I kind of needed to put this somewhere to take it out of my mind. My husband has been amazing throughout and has put up with a lot. I just need to prepare myself, because I have a toddler and a baby who need my attention and I need to stop having this take up room in my head.. too many years of seeing my mum ruin her life can take its toll on anyone.

I am so sorry your family has been going through this. I can’t really comment on the medical stuff, I don’t know enough to be able to do that, but I know my own mum has been in and out of hospital with lots of stomach ulcers in the past, which I’m assuming are related to her alcoholism.

As for the nastiness to your SIL, that is also something our family has encountered from my mum. She turned up at their door once screaming at my SIL, and blind drunk at the time. And all because my sil posted something nice about her own mum on Facebook.

Unless your mum is willing to discuss the reasons for her hospitalisations then I guess you won’t really know. I should imagine if it is due to drinking they’ve told her as much at the hospital, but she is unwilling to share. Can you talk to your dad about it? It’s such a difficult thing to bring up and discuss, I know.

Sorry, none of that is overly helpful. But a few of us here have a mum who is an alcoholic, so just wanted to let you know I know what it is like, and I’m so sorry for you and your family x

 

[northernspaces]

Hi everyone, hope you’re keeping well. I couldn’t think where to share my worries but then thought Of this thread and how useful I’ve found reading it.

I’ve mentioned before “my” alcoholic is my mum. I believe her to currently be sober but really who ever knows? One thing I constantly dread is a death in the family leading to her drinking again. Today we found out her brother, my uncle, has take his own life. It’s extremely unexpected and we are all knocked for six. Of course now my concern is her return to drinking.

Ive advised her to get in touch with her support system, but I know I’ll be worrying over the next weeks about how this will play out.

Feeling for you, that is so difficult to go through. Especially when you don’t know what will trigger your person I hope you both cope with this time as well as can be done

 

[ButtonDownTheHutches]

I’m at the point where being in their presence makes my skin crawl. I have never been a big drinker but not had one since September. I have tried and tried to help. But now I just want out. For my own sanity.

I’m in much the same place too. Wishing you all the strength you need to make a fresh start in 2025

 

[Definitelyme]

I had a bad drinking problem last year whilst at university as I was finding myself drinking alone in my room in my accommodation. When I think back to those times I actually get chills. I ended up using a forum on Reddit called "stopdrinking" where lots of people share their stories and it helped me realise what road I was set on.

I used to use every excuse under the sun to justify it "oh I'm a student, it's what students do". Luckily I ended up realising over lockdown it was my own hate towards my sexuality combined with body image issues that was destroying my mental health. That combined with my uni work, deadlines and my first time having moved out of my parental home was just too much.

Lockdown helped me realise who I was and that I'm worthy of love, care and this life I've been given to live. I started seeing positives instead of negatives all the time and finally came out to my mum. It was the biggest relief ever and now when I drink it's for social reasons and once a month if that (used to he every week!).

Even in your darkest days there is a way out...don't let alcohol steal your happiness and chance at life for a few hours of "fun". I know it's easier said than done but you were put on this Earth for a reason and that was to be free, be happy and enjoy life.

My friends boyfriend currently has a drinking issue he wont acknowledge, drinking almost every night and says "oh well my friends are." There has been times when he chosen drinking over my friend and I've offered him advice and her and they wont have it. It's so hard to see her so upset about it (her dad has issues with drinking too so it's a constant reminder). I totally see the red flags, the exact excuses I used, are cropping up now. It's never too late to change and I hope anyone who is struggling or loves someone who does, that one day they will be sober. It takes time, patience and effort but its possible. Alcohol is a very powerful drug and sometimes I wish it was treated the same as Class As.

Congratulations on overcoming so much, you’ve done amazingly well. Unfortunately many alcoholics don’t want to hear any sense, which is what’s happening with your friend’s bf. It can make life very difficult for all involved.

 

[Drea1984]

I sympathise. In my family they all drank too much. Christmas they would get going at midday and still be going at midnight. As a child I hated it. I thought all families just drank all day at Christmas.
My brother and cousins all drink heavily and my daughter I feel drinks too much.
I’ve never liked the taste. I’m not teetotal but not had a drink all year. I do love the vape tho!

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Sorry to hear that, you know you might not feel drunk or vague in your thinking, but your partner would see and feel the difference in your actions and reactions. From your previous post i note that you are a strong person - you know you can overcome this. I dont want to sound preachy but please take action immediately and take care of yourself. Lots of Love

Thanks for the kind words. Just to complicate things I split with my partner a week or so ago over an unrelated matter. But certainly doesn't help when I find myself in a dark place mentally speaking.

But I have a plan in place, so hopefully I'll get through it soon enough

 

[JoeBloggs]

I don’t even know where to start. My husband has an issue, and I don’t know what to do anymore. He had a bad childhood and from what I know his mum was a big drinker.

It’s been an up and down few years and last year he finally got help for his anxiety and depression (mainly because he pushed me). Since then he has made improvements but if the slightest thing goes wrong he bring home a bottle of wine and spends the evening drinking it in his man cave, if he finishes it quickly he’ll drink anything else he can get his hands on. He will then drive to work.

We have spoken so many times and I’m at my final straw, he promised to give up drinking and we’re on bottle two of the week. Apparently I make it worse but no being supportive but I just can’t help but get upset when he won’t even try. I’m in such a good mood and looking forward to him coming home and then he opens a bottle and I’m left alone crying on the sofa and then he will sleep on the sofa. Apologise and then the cycle starts again.

I want to tell him to pack a bag, but he has no
where to go and I don’t want to leave him. I just feel like a complete shell of myself but if I tell him I’m being selfish because it’s not about me. I’ve asked him to get help but he won’t, it took about 5 years to get him to speak to the doctor about his depression. I just don’t want this to be my future.

 

[CosmicCreepers]

Well that didn't last long!

Back on the bottle - 2nd bottle of wine today. Not good. Yes, I know I should keep off the booze, and I have been in contact with AA, but its not enough.

I need to start afresh but its not going to happen here. The wine and my work keeps me sane. And this lockdown doesn't help at all.

2 bottles of JC in one day. Not good: not clever, and yet I don't feel at all drunk or vague in my thinking.

Plenty of answers but not the right ones

Please don't beat yourself up. It's ridiculously hard to avoid alcohol completely in the early days, I would suggest weaning off it until you feel like you can try one day without. Have you got a specific routine of pouring a glass I.e. where the glass is stored in your house, the bottle etc. It sounds silly but I found hiding the alcohol behind stuff in the kitchen helped my brain forget about where it was. If you live with someone ask them to hide it or better yet throw it out. Not buying it is the best way to keep away. All the best.

 

[Bitofthebubbly]

I’m so sorry, that’s so worrying and I can see why you would be upset. Do you feel you can ask your mum about it today? X

Thank you. Feeling a bit more composed this morning. I’m just not sure how to broach the subject. Me and mum don’t have the most open relationship and communication has never been her strong point. Despite pushing 30, I still feel in a way like a child who shouldn’t know or be involved in these things because it’s above my station, maybe that’s a defence mechanism or something to avoid difficult family drama idk. If something has happened she will have to tell me sooner or later. Seeing family today so I’m going to find out if anyone knows anything but I doubt they will. Maybe see if I can get my grandmother to talk to her.

 

[gmf21]

What I think is he wants to stop the “bad” bits but the thought of being sober forever is what holds him back. It’s like scales I suppose, it has to tip to “not this” more than “not that”? Same for me I guess.

I would not win an ultimatum and it wouldn’t help either of us. I’d rather we were apart and he sorted himself out than stay and him do it “for me” because I’d always be waiting for it to go wrong and he would probably resent me.

I think the binge drinkers are harder (had a couple of them!) if I was honest aboutwhat’s happening nobody would blame me for leaving but when they are “fine” Monday-Friday it’s more difficult to explain. Worse to live with though, and those of you who have kids with your drinker, it must be awful (he doesn’t have a lot of contact with mine and his are older).


al anon does feel like a place for people in a “worse” situation, they couldn’t understand my situation at all.

 

[AnderbeauJohnson]

Yes, how is everyone doing in general at the moment?


I'm doing okay. My mum has backed off a bit since I told her I was starting anti-depressants and I haven't had any drunken insulting phone calls. Or many phone calls at all really - she's leaned on me a lot since her breakdown and used to phone at least twice a day for years but now it's suddenly once or twice a week. Part of me thinks she realised it was getting a bit much for me but I think it's more likely that she's in a huff about me trying to get my mental health sorted, she's always hated the idea of me getting treatment and even refused to let the GP treat me when I was first diagnosed as depressed at 14.


It makes me feel like a bit of a horrible person to admit it but it's been nice not to have to be focused about being 'on' every day and worrying about picking her up.

 

[Kezza_69]

@Bellaboo83 Im so sorry you are going through such feelings of helplessness. .
You and your siblings have done all you can at this point.
Alcoholics are known to be extremely secretive and your story here proves that.
The fact your Dad is in hospital and the alcohol team are involved as well as the detox side of it is the best place for him at the moment. .
I wouldn't be at all surprised if he doesn't find himself eventually in a residential detox centre with all the specialist care he needs.
Please dont feel guilty . .
Sending you love.
Do keep us updated on your Dad Xx

 

[Ponponpon]

My sibling is a recovering alcoholic. Been dry 4 years. I rarely saw them drunk as tolerance was so high. My parents also drank every night. Not to excess but I remember my mum saying she didn’t want to stop when she started. My partner binge drinks at the weekend which I hate. I rarely drink. I’ve never liked the taste. I hate being around drunk people. Almost scares me?

Me too. I drink very little and know it's pretty much an attempt to control others drinking with my own. Whatever "it" is, I don't get it.

Good on your sibling. It must be so hard for you all. I hope your sibling is finding inner strength to stay sober.

 

[Definitelyme]

My ex text me a bunch of quite rude and boarder line emotionally abusive texts last night and into this morning after I asked for help around selling the house (I'm doing all the admin for it).

Told me I had chosen to leave him and I am making his drinking much worse and I am the problem. Although I know this isn't the case, I feel empty inside today and have finally asked to speak to a doctor about stress and anxiety that grew from this relationship. The worst thing about this lockdown is not being able to pop over to my parents or friends for some support. WhatsApp isn't quite the same.

im glad that you’re reaching out for help. One of my "insights" into alcoholics from attending open AA meetings is that when they are in the grips of it, they do blame everyone and everything else. It’s not their fault, ever. It’s always someone else’s. Which is a LOT like what domestic abusers tell their victims. I strongly believe that when alcoholics are drinking, they become abusive and abusers to those who are close to them. Not all, I’m sure, but many.

 

[Definitelyme]

I've 100% been there with wishing my person dies. I think it pretty much every day to be honest. It sounds horrible and I would never say it out loud to any friends because they wouldn't understand at all. I've told my husband and he said he knew where I was coming from, but he thinks I don't really mean that. I totally do, when someone brings so much pain, trauma and hurt to you and other family members, and they won't change no matter what, you wish the worst things because nothing else would make the situation stop.

My person has scarpered now to another city to go and meet her friends from rehab. My mum has had several messages saying she is sorry and is now sober and will never drink again. Heard it all before and I don't buy it for a second.

Sadly my mum will probably be taken in by the lies and will give her another chance, to then be left heartbroken again when she messes up.

Sending love to you all xxx

I cannot imagine how hard it must be for your mum to watch a child going through that. Unlike with other relationships where you can step back, I imagine trying to step back from your own child is almost impossible.

 

[Definitelyme]

For those of you whose loved ones have gotten help, what made them finally decide to? I posted before about my husband having a problem. He is definitely a binge drinker and cannot stop once he has started. I get accused of being a nag when I try and talk to him about it. It’s like we are going around in circles with it all. It is so frustrating. His depression is getting worse and he thinks the alcohol is the only thing that makes him feel good. He is so stubborn and will not do anything like exercise or therapy. I feel like all I can do is wait for something to change but it is driving me mad. I hate it.

Sending you lots of love.

Honestly, I don’t know what finally made the decision for her. I know she was going to AA regularly, but still drinking. She attempted suicide, linked to her depression as well, my dad left her, we told her if she didn’t seek help we would be leaving her life too (and taking our kids). She has accidents resulting in a&e visits, us finding her passed out when on family holiday. And none of those things was enough to really make her change.

It was something inside her, and I don’t think it was linked to any big thing that we could see, or anything that you’d think would cause her to really try. She’s been in and out of recovery for decades. Probably always will be, but I don’t know what it is that triggers that moment of really taking AA seriously and trying to stop again.

 

[37BBL]

hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well. I'm having a bad day so i just wanted a little rant and to get my feelings out. The area I live in is moving to tier3, my family had bubbled with my mum before in the previous lockdown as my alcoholic sister was in rehab. However when we went tier 2 this time round, we agreed my mum would bubble with sister who has been out of rehab for 6 months, as she is on her own and we realise she needs support. I'm fine with that, but its hard not seeing my mum.
I've been feeling down because of that, and the uncertainty of not knowing how tier3 will affect my kids etc. So today I call my mum after work as I do every day just to check how things are. She sounded fine and said she had a good day at work etc. Anyway, we are chatting away and she mentioned something about her job and I said ooh maybe don't mention that to (sister) it was about the fact that someone we know had a new job, she then says I have a feeling she has been drinking again. She couldn't reach her on the phone and walked to her house and saw she was asleep on the sofa midday. She said she had no proof and she may just be ill but she had a feeling. Anyway, my mum wasn't actually upset or anything, but ever since that call I've just felt so low.
We have a few family issues which are completely out of our control but I just always feel like why me? Why can't I have a family like other people at work where there isn't this constant drama and fear of something going wrong. Why can't my mum just have a normal child who doesn't cause her so much anxiety and worry. It really gets to me. I feel guilty for my kids that I have previously had to lie to them about where thier Aunt was.
I know I can't control any of this and I know it isn't my fault. I even know that 12 months ago this would have sent me into a major panic and anxiety attack, but it hasn't this time. I know tomorrow I will feel less like this but my god I feel awful tonight. I'm back to feeling like I want her gone permanently which isn't great.
I saw her last weekend and things were fine, she's actually been doing really well for the last few weeks which makes this all the more shit.
Sorry for the rant, its been a hard week at work with deadlines and moving into tier3 which affects my job. I think its just topped off a bit of a crap week x x x

 

[Gembo]

I’ve read every single post on here & I remember how alone I felt when dealing with it all... thought sharing my story may help anyone else reading to know it’s not just them. I lost my Mum when I was 23 & she was only 47 - everyone always assumes cancer and I mostly let them as I guess there’s a stigmatism around admitting she was an alcoholic, even 5 years later.
When I was growing up I guess she always liked a drink but I don’t think it ever was so bad? Maybe it just didn’t seem it, but she had suffered with depression for a long time which started through post natal depression with my younger brother. Maybe some PTSD in there as she had a really rough ride falling pregnant with multiple miscarriages and then he was a really difficult baby. She got passed back and forth for treatment from depression/alcoholism with neither team ever accepting her. She was depressed because she drank or she drank because she was depressed but responsibility was never taken by either.
She never worked and so I’m not sure how long she would have been a functioning alcoholic but I wouldn’t say she ever reached a truly non functioning alcoholic. She didn’t drink in the mornings and didn’t stay up all night drinking but would consume 2 bottles of wine and possibly a couple of cans of cider everyday.
In 2010 she was in intensive care due to her drinking and literally was hailed as a miracle for recovering. We were called several times to say our goodbyes (I was 18 at this point) as they didn’t think that she would make it through the night.
She stayed sober for 2 years & then saw a different consultant to usual and he obviously hadn’t read her notes properly. Fatally, he said he didn’t see that an odd drink would do her any damage..... obviously anyone that is dependent on any substance can’t just have one!
It was a slippery slope from there with a lot of trips to A&E when she was suicidal and I truly strained life by my Dad/me/my brother. I would drive 130 miles home and she would be asleep at 8:30 obviously from drinking too much.
She was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and fluid on her lungs. She spent a month there, before contracting an infection and her body gave up & she died from multiple organ failure.
Unknowingly I was 3 weeks pregnant when she died & never got the chance to tell her. I’ve spent the last few years wondering if it would have changed anything or actually made it harder as would have had the disappointment at the reality.
My advice would be to make sure you truly grieve. It’s a lot more emotion than having just lost someone & I found That I had probably been grieving my sober Mum for many years already xxx

Your story brought tears to my eyes, I can understand how so much of this must have felt. Thank you for sharing it with us. I hope you are doing much better now and have some happy memories of your mum xx