Alcoholism

[Annie101]

Thank you for check in BBL. I miss this little group as it gave me a place to be honest about my feelings. Love to all the rest of you

 

[37BBL]

I also find this thread a real help and comfort. I have siblings and we are all in the same position, but we never discuss it so having people here to talk to, and listen to others who know what it’s like is a god send.



Really ridiculous isn’t it? It’s my mum who is an alcoholic so it makes me even more cross. I actually remember years ago, when I was a young teen and didn’t know what was going on with her drinking (I just knew she liked wine) I bought her this massive glass for Mother’s Day that was marketed as one you could fit a whole bottle in. Obviously I was totally innocent and had no idea, but it’s one of those things that comes to me every so often and I could kick myself for.

I get this. I used to go out with my sister of a Saturday night when we were younger. We would drink and dance, as you do. Sometimes now I think, if we didn't do that would she have ended up like she is.

 

[Definitelyme]

You know guys, so many things happened to me the last few months, and i have kept quiet about it, i dont know why i cannot confide in friends or family, it is probably the shame of it. The little bit i share is already a big relief. thank you

Always here to listen when you want to share xx

The shame is immense, both for alcoholics but also us as family and friends. It comes from the stigma attached to alcoholism. I have told one friend, and others know my mum suffers mental health issues, but none of them know the extent of things truly.

 

[Happyvalley]

My dad was my person. He was always a drinker and was told before I was born that he needed to cut down. After he and my mum split up it got worse, he met another woman who was also a drinker and had my brother, they split when my brother was one and there was no stopping him.

In October 2013 he started vomiting and passing huge amounts of blood and was in hospital a few times due to this, he abstained during this time but fell off the wagon in October 2014.

In December 2014 he had to have a shunt fitted which bypassed the liver due to severe cirrhosis and now his bloodstream would filter any toxins - he was warned at this stage 1 more drink would kill him.

He stayed sober for around 3-4 months, although he had no more episodes of bleeding, he had a stroke in December 2015 - 6 years ago today. He was in hospital for 12 weeks as he had post stroke epilepsy and they couldn't stop the seizures. We had a meeting and they explained that he needed end of life care and that we needed to start looking for a nursing home for him - 2 days later he started to perk up and he was home within 2 weeks. Whilst he had right arm weakness and confusion, he was doing well.

He started drinking again in July 2016 and in February 2018 we were told he had stage 4 Oesophageal Cancer which had spread to his Lungs and Lymph Nodes. He died in April 2018.

When he started drinking again following his stroke, I had to take a step back for my own mental health. I knew at this point if a stroke wouldn't stop him nothing would. I would see him early on in the day but I wouldn't ring after 5pm because at that point I knew he would be too drunk to talk to me properly and it upset me.
I went for breakfast in July 2017 with him and I vividly remember him telling me his food wouldn't go down but I didn't think anything of it. Little did I know that this is one of the signs of oesophageal cancer, along with acid reflux which he also had - again didn't think anything of it because he drank so much... I will always wonder if had I have been around more if I would have noticed anything and we could have found the cancers in time, I will never forgive myself for that.

The only positive in my dad's passing is that he is no longer in mental or physical pain, which I am thankful for everyday no matter how much I miss him.

After my dad died I enrolled in college to do an access course, I am now a student nurse and when I qualify I want to train to be an alcohol liaison nurse. If I can help just one person or family then I know my dad's life wasnt taken in vain.

Reading these posts breaks my heart, seeing just a tiny portion of how many people are affected by alcoholism is devastating and I truly hope each and everyone of you can find peace

Thanks for your post and it’s really amazing that you want to go on and help others dealing with the same disease.

Just wanted to say that you shouldn’t be hard on yourself about recognising the signs of cancer, it’s so hard to help anyone and recognise what is alcohol and what is cancer and quite honestly the alcohol I’m sure led to the issue, I have lost two people close to me, my uncle and mum from similar cancers (mouth and throat) and was told by the hospital that the alcohol was very likely the cause of it. My mum’s was treatable but because she wouldn’t stop drinking she couldn’t be treated properly and died at 44. You did everything you could, you can only help those who want to be helped and sometimes it has to be from a distance

 

[boomska]

I’ve decided to give Sober October a go because I definitely have an addiction to alcohol but not what I consider an alcoholic.


And omg, going cold turkey is bloody hard. I’ve gone 15 days and It feels so much loooonger!!

And I didn’t realise how much I used alcohol as a de-stresser!

My period is 9 days late and I’m putting it down to being stressed so I’m just wondering if anyone’s been in the same as me? And how other people distressed without alcohol?

 

[Annie101]

yes he does, but never during the time of his episodes. he also never apologizes. One day i hear from him that i am a great, caring, sensitive person, then later that i am just nothing.

 

[Definitelyme]

I really feel for the the two above posters and their difficulties with flippant comments from their (ex) alcoholic relatives. It must be so hard to laugh or even endure listening to these quips. Their relatives are displaying a complete lack of understanding of the serious, deep hurt and pain they have caused.
Each day must be hard as you wonder if they will ever fall off the wagon and you have to support them through the whole process of giving up again. It is a mind blowingly hard road to travel.
I agree whole heartedly with the poster who said not enough is done for the supporters of alcoholics. It is as if their life goes on hold.
And it is bloody unfair.

Thank you. I definitely feel my stomach knot up when I hear the flippant comments about drinking/returning to drinking. As if it’s all such a huge joke to her. It feels like such a slap in the face. I also remember before a pretty serious relapse that almost ended my parents’ marriage she made a similar joke so I suppose that connection is always there.

Thank you @37BBL while I wish nobody else knew how it feels, it’s always comforting and reassuring to know someone else understands, and that my feelings aren’t totally blown out of proportion. It doesn’t seem to affect my siblings in the same way (although maybe it’s just not something they discuss? I suppose I don’t) so I do wonder if I’m over sensitive sometimes about it.

 

[lozzapaloozza]

My mum was an alcoholic and made everything about her.
When I told her I was getting married, she did not say congratulations - she said we do want a bunch of strangers around here. It was all about her outfit and hat. Nil involvement in the wedding arrangements.
When I told her that I was pregnant with our first baby, she just continually said I was banging the walls with you.
Zero support ever.
She has passed away now and I miss her, and forgive her.
It makes me try to be a better parent to my 2 teenagers.
Alcohol is a dangerous thing.

I’m so sorry she made you feel like that. You deserved to have all the attention and loving support you deserved! And also someone to help you in your time of need. You’d think giving them something to be happy about would make them feel better? I’m so sorry about your mum

 

[LittleBird]

The South African government announced that the selling, distribution and consumption of alcohol will be banned as of the 29th December until at least the 15th January. Which means I can't buy it online, or from a local store or supermarket; pubs and restaurants can't sell it either.

I have no wine left in the house, and I am struggling to get replacements short of looking at other "options", shall we say!

Not sure what our president was thinking but it will just invite more problems that it hopes to resolve; and there's no way I can survive 2 more weeks without a drink

It might not be much but please reach out to us to support how we can. The next two weeks will be tough but you will get through it.

 

[petitspois]

The South African government announced that the selling, distribution and consumption of alcohol will be banned as of the 29th December until at least the 15th January. Which means I can't buy it online, or from a local store or supermarket; pubs and restaurants can't sell it either.

I have no wine left in the house, and I am struggling to get replacements short of looking at other "options", shall we say!

Not sure what our president was thinking but it will just invite more problems that it hopes to resolve; and there's no way I can survive 2 more weeks without a drink

How are you getting on with trying to reduce your intake now you’re in the sun?

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you, the guilt of not replying to that last message is killing me. She was mostly normal in it but talked about wanting to meet up, I don’t think it was a plea for help at all but I hope she realised that I didn’t reply because of what I was going through at the time. I keep telling myself that there were people on her radar far bigger than me. I wish I could tell her I’m sorry. I know there’s nothing I could have done, I’m just so sad for her. She didn’t deserve this. I’m going to pay more attention to my friends going forward, look for the clues just in case there are any.

You sound like a truly wonderful friend, and I am sure that she felt that from you x

 

[babbling brook]

I saw this on BBC News today. Thought some of you may be interested. I am always keen to read anything from the perspective of an alcoholic to try and gain more insight in to the WHY

Alcoholism in the time of coronavirus

Three people share their stories of dealing with alcoholism during and after lockdown.

www.bbc.co.uk

Thanks for sharing. There is lots of information about how to get help but not enough first-hand stories. This was really interesting to read.

 

[Definitelyme]

He does accept there’s a problem but I honestly think he still believes he can do it on his own, and he can’t. Or he isn’t doing.
not sure he comprehends that I might leave. I don’t want to issue an ultimatum because it wouldn’t help anyone, I’m just getting on with it for now, but I might not always, but we are happy and I’d miss him so much.

You Are right to never issue an ultimatum to an alcoholic. In my experience, they will always a) choose alcohol or b) try and bargain another option which will then lead them to continuing to drink anyway. Unfortunately until he is ready to admit he needs help with his problem there is little to be done. You can offer him continued support and love, remind him of all he has that is good, and hopefully he gets there soon x

 

[slabber]

Found out this morning my Mother who has been an on/off alcoholic my entire life is back on the drink. She has been asking her domiciliary care workers to buy it for her. I think that's what annoys/upsets me the most about it all - how desperate can you get? How embarrassing? How dare they for doing it?

When I confronted her about it, she blamed it on lockdown and said she hadn't drank in ages. It's been a week - I can't stand the lying. And there is always an excuse. If it's not lockdown, it's something else.

I got so angry and began shouting at her.. any wonder my brother is so f*cked up etc. And now I am in this awful cycle of feeling angry, reacting and then feeling guilty for it. All these emotions feel like a big knot in my chest. This same scenario reoccurs every few months and the feelings are always as strong each time.

Have been a long time lurker of this thread but just really needed to vent after this morning and I figured people here would get it more than most.. I hope you are all doing ok and thank you for making me realise I'm not alone in this.

 

[Pilatesgirl]

I would echo Al-anon. If anything it is so helpful to listen to other people in exactly the same situation and know that it is not you and it it not your fault. The one thing I have taken from Al-anon is the 3 Cs - I didnt Cause it, I can Cure it and I can't Control it. It also helps you to detach from the the alcoholic, and understand that they are not the same person you know and love, they have a disease, are sick and need help. Unfortunately in the UK unless you have private insurance, that help is near on impossible to get. It is heart breaking.

There is also Al-ateen for children of.an alcoholic.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Sorry, I know you were replying to someone else but I think for me the hardest thing is knowing there’s literally nothing I can do until he’s ready to stop. He admits he doesn’t want to stop. I find that really hurtful because it makes it seem like me and our son aren’t enough, but playing to his emotions doesn’t work.

what makes someone want to stop? Do they just wake up and decide enough is enough, or is there some big terrible event that needs to happen? I have scoured the internet trying to find this answer.

Hangovers don’t deter him. He works from home so doesn’t have to drive. I think he honestly believes I am being unreasonable by being fed up with his drinking.

edited to add: Sometimes I even question if I am being unreasonable. He’s not physically or emotionally abusive, he still has a job and is financially stable, he’s a good dad and husband. I know that so many people are in worse situations than me. But I didn’t grow up in a family that couldn’t control their alcohol intake. I don’t want that for our son or for me. But I also want to stay together.. just want him to stop using alcohol as a crutch.

Alcohol addiction is an illness; he can’t stop now because he is unwell. He needs intervention to support him in stopping drinking. You can say whatever you want to an addict to try to get them to stop but it won’t have any impact on them until they themselves want to stop. You can’t control it or him, the only thing you have control over is yourself and how you life your life. You either accept that if you stay with him, then you are accepting that he is an alcoholic and that his drinking is going to be a constant issue or you make the decision to walk away and life your life free from the shackles of being in a relationship with an addict.

 

[Definitelyme]

My husbands dry drunk symptoms out of control again. Treats me like he enemy. For the past 2 weeks my spirit been so low. I had to go through minutes of a meeting I attended at work 2 weeks ago. Between the work related stuff i wrote down words like, i am sad and depressed, suicidal, just want to stop everything. I am getting worried for myself. To others i look so in control, so tough and that i can handle anything. And i can't. Came home yesterday, and my husband moved into the other house on our property. Either to drink and that i can't see, or the deal with his shit. I have never felt lonelier. What good is it living in a mansion, us both having good careers and we so f*cked.

I can only echo what the others have said. You need to put YOUR mental health first right now. If someone else’s actions are impacting your mental health negatively, then it’s time to consider what the options are.

It is very easy for people to say leave him. It’s not us, not our life. It is yours, and you are miserable. You need to take some time to really think about what is going to happen in the next days and weeks. If you feel suicidal, this is an emergency situation. Is there anyone you can talk to? I know that it probably isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but what about phoning someone like Al Anon, or Samaritans? Just having someone to talk to may help give you clarity.

The behaviour you are experiencing from your husband is not normal, loving behaviour that should be displayed. By leaving you alone so deliberately, he is emotionally abusing you, and trying to control the narrative. If you feel strong enough, now is the time for YOU to take the control. It doesn’t have to be this way.

But making changes is tough, it is hard and uncomfortable. I would really urge you to find someone to talk to IRL that can help you through this. I am so sorry things are so bad x

 

[Harry]

How are we all doing?

I’m fine, sometimes I forget that my mum is no longer with me and it’s like losing her all over again. Sometimes it feels like I’m going down a deep, dark hole of panic and I don’t know what to do

Oh sweetheart I know the exact feeling and my mum has been gone 15 years. It’s a almost chest tight can’t breathe feeling at points. I am so sorry you are feeling like this. When I have those thoughts and feeling I let myself feel it all have a good cry and then try to move on. It’s the hardest thing in the world but your mum wouldn’t want you to be sad for too long, although I am sure she misses you just as much as you miss her. Sending you love and kindness xxx

 

[gmf21]

Thank you, it’s nice to feel understood. I tried Al-anon but they were the most depressing bunch (I’m sure some groups are fab but this one not so much)

 

[Mulholland Drive]

Don’t. Please don’t.
Do you know what drives your desire to drink? What are your triggers? Are you sometimes able to overcome or never able to? Do you feel that it’s getting dangerously out of control? x

Don't worry. I won't be driving anywhere. Have got my work to keep me occupied. Just don't like this time of year (I have SAD). And when I get depressed i turn to the booze!

I suppose in one respect joining Tattle has helped a great deal, as well as getting in touch with AA. But like other alcoholics on this thread, it doesn't really matter what help you reach out too at the end of the day its up to the individual to get through it once and for all.