Alcoholism

[Definitelyme]

Thank you I do wonder if it could be some form of PTSD, or something similar for those of us who have been affected by this.

I am feeling much better today. Actually spoke to my person and just asked the question how things are. Turns out they are 11.2 months sober and feeling positive. Their words were I'll never go back now and I know I can't say that but I won't deal with things with alcohol again.

I know we never know and cannot ever be sure, but I really hope its the case. Feeling a lot calmer now and ready to have a few days off work with my kids x

Enjoy your days off, and lovely news to hear that their sobriety is continuing, and that they see the good in it, long may it last for you all x

 

[Poptartxo]

Just wondering if anyone else has struggled through ‘the most wonderful time of the year’ due to a loved one’s abuse of alcohol? It’s not the first year and no doubt won’t be the last but I have never felt as affected by it as I have this year. I’m angry and bitter - I really don’t like the person I’m becoming because of it sorry to rant I’ve just got no one to talk to about it. They’re killing me slowly on the inside

This time of year is awful every year for us. The drinking ramps up around the beginning of December, and by actual Christmas time it’s out of control. He drank 2 bottles of wine and a whole bottle of Baileys the other night, and that’s the only night I’ve been able to actually work out how much he’s drank. There is no point in mentioning it as he just gets sneaky too - we’ve had gin bottles filled with water and stuff over the years so I didn’t think he had drunk it all. It’s always the same pattern too, he will then stop on New Years Day and give up until his birthday several days later, those days will be awful as he will be really down, then he will in a misery on his birthday drink loads again.

 

[37BBL]

Well that didn't last long!

Back on the bottle - 2nd bottle of wine today. Not good. Yes, I know I should keep off the booze, and I have been in contact with AA, but its not enough.

I need to start afresh but its not going to happen here. The wine and my work keeps me sane. And this lockdown doesn't help at all.

2 bottles of JC in one day. Not good: not clever, and yet I don't feel at all drunk or vague in my thinking.

Plenty of answers but not the right ones

Do you have anyone who can support you? You aren't in denial about it which is a massive step.

Take each day as it comes and maybe try a change of routine. When you would normally reach for the bottle, try a walk, a fitness video on YouTube, baking - if you manage to avoid just one drink see it as a small success.

Nothing happens overnight, keep going xxxx

 

[Annie101]

One thing that I find is so true that i read in my "just for today" al alnon book is: Seeking emotional support or understanding from the addict is like going to the hardware store everyday to buy bread. You never going to find it.

 

[Scotty1976]

Key is to protect yourself before helping others. I grew up with an alcoholic father and met my ex who had only recently become sober.

The two experiences were very different but both just as hard. You’re watching someone destroy themselves as well as watching a partner you love find themselves again and battle with the idea that they’ve lost themselves without drink. You’re constantly on edge and worry for them when things get tough.

Both my dad and ex were so sure they were ‘fine’ and any suggestion that they weren’t was met with deaf ears or diversion onto what was wrong with me.

People can only change when they decide themselves to do so. You can give them the resources and point them in the right direction and be there when they need a shoulder to cry on but you must remember that they may return to their old ways one day and you really really have to protect yourself for when/if that day does come.



Loss is a hard thing to process and we all have different coping mechanisms to cope with it. You MUST remind yourself that you are your own person and not your Gran. Alcoholism doesn’t run in the blood, it can follow generations because of behaviour patterns seen in the early stages of development and throughout life.

This isn’t a bad thing you’ve noticed, this is in fact very good. You’re noticing a behaviour in yourself that isn’t good. It’s a signal to yourself that you’re creating a pattern that is self destructive and could ultimately lead to worse things. Right now you have the opportunity to tackle this.

Drink and drugs for the most part are used as a distraction to inner feelings that you can’t quite deal with right now. Perhaps you need to release the emotions you’ve felt after the bereavement? Or maybe you need to heal from the fear that one day you’ll end up like your Gran. Talking to someone will help, whether it’s a therapist or an anonymous person here! I personally use a few things such as CBD, yoga, swimming, CODA meetings (for codependency & for friends/family of alcoholics) and positive affirmations every night when I’ve felt low. It’s not easy, but they do help to reset negative thought patterns.

I wish you SO much happiness and hope.

Hi thought I would thank you again for your kind words.Due to covid it's been difficult to get our girl fostered at the moment .We have looked into her insurance and fingers crossed that it will cover at least most she will need fixed. I've stopped drinking,if I have my pup with me I don't want our time tainted with a hangover.I just hope it all works out .I've decided the oxytocin my brain releases when I pet and hug her is better and healthier than anything out if a bottle. I'm sending everyone my best wishes it's still such a unsettling time for everyone .Take care

 

[lozzapaloozza]

Sorry, I hope I didn't upset you or bring back too many painful memories, and I'm sorry about your mum. Thanks for the offer to talk but please don't stress yourself out about it, I'm okay to keep plodding along - I think just finding this thread / posting this has been a bit of weight off my shoulders. I didn't realise there were so many of us.

Not at all please don’t feel bad! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard knowing someone is going through something you have, all of us here know the pain you are going through. You shouldn’t just have to keep suffering though! You don’t deserve this! We’re all in this together!

 

[Definitelyme]

@37BBL sending you loads of love. That feeling when you hear something that makes you suspect the drinking has begun again is horrendous. Like a black hole inside you, and (for me) it them consumes almost every thought for a few days. Fingers crossed that since she has been doing well lately your sister is still on that path. Im sorry you won’t get to see your mum as you move in to tier 3, hopefully it will be a short time before restrictions are eased for you.

 

[Hazel1593]

He told her to "get over" her anxiety? That makes me really angry as clearly, it doesn't work like that. I hope she is able to get help, it's such a huge thing for people to admit and accept about themselves. Look after yourself too, it must be heavy for you to know that.

I want to take a big blanket around everyone here. It's actually really scary how much a legal substance has impacted us all.

She’s always been a very anxious person with many issues. She has very low self esteem which means she’s settled for someone who, in my opinion, is no good for her. There just doesn’t seem to be much help available for her unfortunately and I wish I knew what I could do to help too. Thank you for your kind words x

 

[Raininvain]

Yes generally when sober, he has this habit of whenever I try to tell him how I feel, he tells me to calm down or not now or he’s depressed so he can’t deal with it. I know it’s wrong, and I think deep down I know I should walk but I don’t want to.

I don’t really have anyone, my parents have an awful marriage and my mums attitude is very much just carry on. I have told my friends a few bits but I don’t want them to think badly of him. He’s not a bad person and on the outside we have a lovely relationship.

That’s it isn’t it, it’s seems like he’s letting it destroy his life, his relationship, his job everything. His mum went through the same thing as she refused to seek help and her partner (very lovely man) left her.

Thank you so much for your words. I feel so empty.

There's Al Anon who could offer you support, they have meetings and and for friends/family of Alcoholics. You could find about counselling for yourself either privately or through the G.P? Sorry your having to go through all this, but your not on your own. There's also the Samaritans if you just want to talk/offload you do not have to be suicidal. X

 

[37BBL]

Easier said than done, but YOU need to take care of you. When i started Al Alnon i thought this was a very selfish way because you love the addict.
But the relieve I felt the day when i told my husband that his addiction is his problem and when he lies about drinking, that is on him. But i know it difficult and part of you is always on the lookout to see if they have been drinking again. Wishing you lots of love and hoping you feel better soon

Thanks. I'm feeling better this morning, still low but better than I did last night xx

 

[CosmicCreepers]

Had to cut off my alcoholic friend. Not totally but I'm not going to hang out with her, still here if she ever wants to talk and get help.
All she wants to do is drink. I actually don't drink bc I have mental health issues and alcohol just turns me into a manic mess and I always end up in a bad situation. She knows that yet it's all about the drink - and drugs!

I don't do any of that anymore, I'm too old for it. I used to be such a party animal when I was younger but I'm wanting to settle down now and take care of myself physically and mentally. Her talks about drugs and drink is draining tbh there's way more interesting topics to talk about.

We were the BEST of friends, unbelievably close, to the point we actually slept together and our friendship wasn't weird or anything. But now.. we're just on a totally different chapter of our lives and it's sad but it is what it is.

I feel bad but as others have said her family need to deal with this. I just feel like a bad friend.

You’re not a bad friend. If someone doesn’t want to help themselves then no one can help them. I’ve been on both sides. The person with the problem and the friend of the person with the problem. It’s so frustrating to see someone go downhill and just not care. Even worse when they try and pull you into it as well. It sounds like she’s got nothing else going on in her life. Does she work? If not, what does she do with her time? I know someone who doesn’t work as they’re in a position not to, but they’re incredibly bored and do a lot of drugs to fill the time.

 

[Sloppys]

I think I have a problem. There is a family history of alcoholism. I’ve always been a social drinker but over the last 6 months or so I’ve been hitting it harder. After a particularly bad session I have cut down and since October have only had 4 drinks which we planned events and to be honest didn’t really enjoy the drink. Last night I found my self on holiday, drink after drink and obviously this morning have woken up feeling awful and essentially lost the last day due to my hangover. I’m not at a stage where I need a drink to get through the day, but I obviously can’t handle the drink. It’s like I get 3 or 4 drinks in and a switch just flips. I am sober curious and I have proven I can go long periods without a drink at all but I am starting to worry myself.

 

[Definitelyme]

thank you all for you kind words. I am looking at Airbnb's close to work and stay there for a while, but when i've done this in the past I made things worse. I have the house to myself and I want to be around my dogs. The property is big enough that we dont see each other, but i am embarrassed that our caretaker and cleaner sees that we are not in the same house. And it breaks my heart that he would rather be away from me than being with me. The logical side of me knows it is not my fault, i cannot "fix him", but i cannot help feeling abandoned and unloved. I dont talk to people in my life about it, as his shame with alcohol has always been my shame.

thank you all for you kind words. I am looking at Airbnb's close to work and stay there for a while, but when i've done this in the past I made things worse. I have the house to myself and I want to be around my dogs. The property is big enough that we dont see each other, but i am embarrassed that our caretaker and cleaner sees that we are not in the same house. And it breaks my heart that he would rather be away from me than being with me. The logical side of me knows it is not my fault, i cannot "fix him", but i cannot help feeling abandoned and unloved. I dont talk to people in my life about it, as his shame with alcohol has always been my shame.

Neither of you has anything to be ashamed of. Alcoholism is a disease, not a dirty secret. You have NOTHING to feel shame for.

I don’t believe in ultimatums for alcoholics. They don’t work. But would you be willing to try and talk to him and lay out the very stark reality of where you are. In a bad mental health place caused by the currently awful relationship between you because of his drinking, and that you simply can not go on. Not an ultimatum (they’ll always choose the drink) but rather a factual “I need something to change or I will not survive this. These are the options”

I think there are some very big, scary, moments ahead for you. Not easy to take action against someone you love so dearly, but you are suffering so much.

 

[loveanatter]

Hi everyone
Some heartbreaking stories here
I posted earlier on this thread about my husband. He’s an alcoholic but denies it. Drinks 300ml minimum vodka a day often more/ other drinks. He is adamant this is normal and I’m judgemental.
There has been wbusive incidents in the past when he’s drunk I’m not going to lie but mostly he’s just annoying, talking rubbish and generally drunk
Very much functional has a really good job. No one would believe me.
I was all set to leave last year but doubting myself now. Am I being controlling? Is it me?!

please don’t blame yourself! I spent a lot of years thinking it was something that we did (it was my Mum) and at one point she said that she would stop because her children were enough to stop. She didn’t - that made me question for years why we weren’t enough. The reality is that she said what we needed to hear in that moment. It’s so hard because the risk of being the upset (almost gives them an excuse?) but you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. That is the most valuable lesson that I learned. Sending you so much love x

 

[Definitelyme]

Hope everyone is ok,

Just a little update from me. Very sadly my son's dad died last week. The combination of liver disease and Covid was too much. Fortunately my son got to say goodbye to him, thanks to the brilliant staff on the ward who wheeled his bed up to a full glass door so they could see each other.

I am so very sorry to hear this, for your son, his siblings, and the rest of the family. Sending lots of love to you all xx

 

[Annie101]

Thank for your kind words, and i am so sorry/shocked regarding the troubled times for your sibling. I really hope I do not go down a similar path, although I must confess that this morning I drove to my local store (15 miles away) and bought 2 cases of wine!

As soon as I returned home I'd almost finished one bottle, such was my need for pure undiluted alcohol. And despite keeping busy with my workload, it is inevitable that I will be starting on my 2nd bottle at some point this afternoon, leaving me with 10 bottle to get me through the weekend and beyond.

The only upshot is that I hope to fly out to South Africa in early December once this lockdown is lifted. I'll be there for 2 or 3 months, so perhaps that will take my mind off things, especially the better weather, the change of scene and being with my family and friends

courage to change - Life is in a constant state of change. Awareness allows me/you to keep pace with that change. Today let me/you listen to my word and watch my actions, only by knowing, the person i am can i create the person i want to become. "each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life. It is not something discovered, it something molded.

Jy kan dit doen

 

[LittleBird]

Thanks everyone, it's so helpful to have somewhere to sound off with people in similar positions.

We spoke today as I needed some things from the house so needed to be civil. He said he thought he'd blown it (he had), that he thought I wouldn't want to speak to him (I don't particularly) and invited me round for a roast tomorrow as he has no bubble (I politely declined). He finished the call with how much better he felt after speaking to me and I wasn't moody. I couldn't make it up if I tried .

 

[If i told you …]

For anyone who is struggling but likes to see figures and motivation. This is a great free app

 

[Definitelyme]

I'm really glad this thread has picked up again. I've found it so helpful. I don’t talk to anyone about how I feel with my sisters addiction, not even my husband really. Having people on here who understand has really helped me.
I saw my sister over the weekend for the first time in a while. She presented as sober but as I've said before I am always suspicious. It was nice though, we had a chat and it felt like old times, but then reality hits and I remember what she caused. I don't know if I will ever forgive her for how much pain and hurt she caused, but at least she is no longer causing that which is a good thing I suppose. She left early to do a zoom meeting where she was presenting, i knew this was true as I saw the invite and the messages. Can't criticise her for that i suppose.
She lost everything and still wouldn't change though. I dont know what it takes to be honest. She had a call to say a rehab place was free and if she didn't take it she would be at the bottom of the list, she had been on said list for about 4 months I think. So she took it and thats when she started to improve.
Its so tough, I wish they realised sooner but its such a selfish and cruel addiction that it seems to just ruin them. I think its true that they can only help themselves when they decide to.
Sending everyone love x x

I'm so glad you had a nice time with your sister over the weekend. I absolutely understand that feeling of all being normal and then thinking "oh wait, you have done so much to hurt us all" it’s hard to reconcile the two faces of that one person sometimes. Great to hear your sister is doing the zoom meetings, I know my mum has been doing them too, and "hosting" them as well, as she leaves her notes for them about her house at times. But she’s been in AA in the past and still drinking so .

but sometimes I think you just have to take what you can get. That afternoon with your sister is a good memory, and it’s important for me that I try and keep the good parts and remember them and not be suspicious and worried all the time, as I find that absolutely exhausting.

 

[37BBL]

Really thought some headway was being made with my ex. He has been attending therapy (although she said she thought he wasn't an alcoholic) and has been much more pleasant to be around.

We are due to complete on our house sale in the next week or two, which has dragged on since July. His new attitude has made me consider thinking about working things out with him until this week. Every time I've been around, beer cans and bottles are on the sides and he has quite clearly had a drink most evenings - probably to cope with the upcoming move.

We've had a really pleasant day taking stuff to the tip and getting on really well and he text me this evening, drunk, asking about our future. I told him, as he has said many times before, that he needs to change for himself and not a relationship. He told me I was patronising, that he doesn't tell me I'm fat and that I need to lose weight for myself. He's continued to text me saying he has a point and what he said is true and I feel like an absolute mug for even considering something has changed.

I just needed somewhere to write this down because I hadn't told any family and friends I was considering trying again so they wouldn't be very happy with me. He is so charming whilst sober but an absolute arsehole drunk and I don't think it will ever change.

So sorry to read this. Sometimes with alcoholics it's the hope that gets you, when you realise they aren't changing thier ways it's so heartbreaking.

I have everything crossed for your house move and I hope you have lots of things to keep you busy and distracted from over thinking this xxx