Alcoholism

[leapricot]

Hi guys

My dad was a functioning alcoholic until I was around 14/15 when he became... unfunctioning? I’m not sure of the term. I haven’t lived with him since I was 16. I’m now in my final year of university (21) and he has relapsed really terribly after being in rehab for the first time. I had been really positive, visiting him loads, doing anything for him. Now I feel more helpless than ever.

The situations he is getting into are scarier and scarier. You all will know the jist but bad hallucinations/terrible forgetfulness/blacking out for days even when sober. Last month he phoned my mum in the early morning saying he had gotten into a fight and lifted by the police. We still don’t know if he hallucinated this or not as our local station had no info but his hands were all scraped. So terrifying as my dad has never in a million years lifted his hand to anyone and I never thought I’d see the day he could. Feels like the beginning of the end and that I am just waiting for the final call.

I know realistically it’s only him that can help himself but I still feel so guilty that I can’t help him. Just completely hopeless at this point - sorry to bring the mood down lol. Now I am just looking for people to chat to about our similar experiences because none of my friends understand and I don’t want to burden them with these crazy situations. My brother and I don’t like to speak to each other about it and if we do we end up just moody and depressed.

Hey Northernspaces,

I could have written this message myself. My dad is getting so forgetful, it's getting worrying.
I cannot help feeling guilty but is there anything we can do? I don't think so. He lives with my nan (she's 80 and cares for my uncle with Down Syndrome too) and she has just had enough. She was under so much stress and fatigue last year (after many years) that she has had to have a pacemaker put for her heart as it couldn't cope with the stress. And it's not getting any better...

I feel for you and if you want to talk, i am here for you xxx

 

[Drea1984]

My brother. He’s an alcoholic. He left me to deal with everything for 2.5 years after my father who I didn’t get on with had a stroke. No help. Practical or administrative. When we inherited after our father died he wanted to be friends. I don’t. I can’t get past him leaving me to deal with everything. I don’t forgive him. I had to write my fathers eulogy even tho I said it wasn’t appropriate. I feel I should try with my brother but the basic fact is I don’t want to? I have done a lot to help my brother but he is frankly a burden.

 

[Ponponpon]

yes he does, but never during the time of his episodes. he also never apologizes. One day i hear from him that i am a great, caring, sensitive person, then later that i am just nothing.

My mum never apologises either. In fact it's always my fault. I have the issue with people drinking, I shouldn't have called, I shouldn't have gone home (when I lived there), if I wasn't born she'd live in a nicer house (despite the house she lives in is perfectly lovely but the house they nearly bought is now worth a mill) etc. It's so hard to know where you stand but you must remember that you're the constant, the alcohol is the difference

 

[Shawads]

I am sharing this from a post on another site but was encouraged to share on the alanon page, but had minimal response.
Not sure if this is a good place to try?

My relationship with my (ex ) partner has been mostly lovely.

There has been a couple of occasions where I’ve been concerned about his drinking and I previously ended the relationship over some quite extreme drunkenness but changed my mind as though it was my over reaction (I am also the adult child of an alcoholic parent).

He stopped drinking after that occasion and hasn’t drink for approx 8 months.
This weekend he was meeting and old friend who apparently prior to the meeting was hassling my partner to drink with him.

Later on he messaged me and made a point of saying he’d had one drink at the behest of said friend.

All his friends know about his drink problem and the majority of them were pleased to see he’d ’stopped’ drinking.

I was suspicious when I read ‘one drink’ as felt it was unnecessary specific detail.

My partner drove to mine from the meeting and when I saw him was slurring and had wet himself. I made him leave there and then and said I’d call the police unless he used a cab to get home.

He insisted he’d only had one drink but clearly he hadn’t. He hadn’t realised he was wet ( which he does every time he drinks ).

I have ended the relationship and a big part of it is because he lied but also because he was dui.

After his marriage ended he tried to take his life and has no recollection of this. It ended a few years ago but from things he’s said I’m not sure he’s really over it. It was a very long marriage.

Apart from a couple of incidents we were very happy together and I believed very much in love, with future plans.

I have kids and he has adult kids who have told me their childhoods were very much impacted by his drinking .

As times have progressed I’ve learned more about this from them and also from his friends and family that his drinking was a concern for them. Everyone keeps saying how. Happy they are he’s stopped drinking and he gets loads of praise but I felt he could have done a lot more than just abstain, everyone is different and I wanted to give him a chance and respect his decision to do it alone

I feel a fool for so many reasons but because of my past am also doubtful about my own behaviour and validity of my feelings.

Am I being too harsh or was I right to end things?

I’m so sad. But also feel a bit of a dick because I know of his history.

I don’t know why I’ve overlooked it really. I guess blind optimism. I’m also autistic so probably take people at face value a bit too much even though I have lifelong experience of addiction in my family, ex partners etc.

I don’t connect well with many people and am quite vulnerable to men and friends and spend a lot of time alone and lonely.

hes the first relationship I’ve ever had where I felt safe and secure and loved. He’s kind and gentle and loving and generous and we have so much in common. I believe he might be autistic too and may be why I have overlooked this thing.

i never knew him to drive drunk although I did suspect it once very early in our relationship

I lost a parent to alcohol related problems two years ago too. I can’t be with someone who drunk drives and I can’t have an alcoholic in the lives of my kids.

sense. I am so so sad . I knew he had been over confident in believing he could practice complete abstinence without doin the work but I chose to ’believe’ him whilst deep down knowing that it was highly improbable that he wouldn’t fall off the wagon at some point.

I just wanted our relationship and all of the good bits whilst deep down knowing I’d have to face his alcoholism again but hoping not.

yes as you say this is highly likely linked to my being an acoa and a huge familiarity because of that and me and xbf have known each other our whole lives so there was a sense of safety and security I never had before , operating on multiple levels.

A codependent dry drunk relationship?!

I don’t know how to move forward, it is extremely early days. I know how he operates and he will be practical and just get on with the next stage, hopefully getting help and support from his friends and family.

he has very close friends and family and I am very much alone apart from my children.

i have lots of friends but no close safe ones which is probably why I clung so hard to this one too


How do I move on from this need to check in he is ok? I am not ok and I know he will not be either. He has his family etc but ultimately it’s the end of what was in all essence a happy and loving relationship. I feel pain cutting it dead but also realise that anything else just keeps me in a feedback loop where I’m still codependent with him

 

[37BBL]

Morning everyone, hope you’re all ok.

I've been having a rough few days. Should preface it by saying I have no evidence my mum is drinking again, there is nothing to suggest that at all, but for s9e reason the other day my mind got caught up in it all again, remembering things she had done in the past, ways her drinking had directly impacted on me in a situation, and most importantly for me, how she has never acknowledged any of it or apologised. I know that’s part of it all (being a self centred person) but i think it’s one of the things I struggle with most, never having any acknowledgement from her that her drinking has impacted me. I had a dream last night she was drinking again and it brought back all the same feelings from when she has been.
Its supposed to be one of the AA steps to apologise to people isn’t it? Yet there is nothing there from her at all. No doubt she kids herself that the "unless it would do them harm" but applies so she doesn’t have to (another example of deluded, self centred alcoholism?)
I also struggle as she often makes little quips about drinking like "oh that would make me turn back to drink!" Or "even I don’t drink like that!" Or judges others for their drinking. Again, total delusion on her part. But also joking about it seems to me to try and make it so flippant, without any recognition that she almost drank herself to death more than once, and almost destroyed our family over drinking.

Sorry, I know nobody can actually do anything to help this, but just wanted to vent to people who know what it’s like.

Sorry you're having a difficult time with it. I can relate, my person is sober and I have no evidence or reason to believe they aren't, but the thought process doesn't dissappear does it? I regularly have flash back sort of moments where I remember the pain she caused and find myself spiralling into thoughts about how we would cope if she started again.

There isn't enough said about how this addiction affects the lives of close family and friends. My person makes comments too, things about strong hand gel for example she will say 'ooh keep me away from that its 70% thats a relapse right there' and then laughs. I think she has no realisation about what it was like for us.

My person has apologised. When she was bad, it was an apology every day. But it meant nothing because nothing ever changed. We had an apology when she was in rehab as part of the programme. Tbh, even though we had one it didn't mean anything to me. I always said actions speak louder than words and I just need her to stay on the right path. Even though she apologised, I don't think there is any recognition of what she did to us all.

I sometimes feel jealous of friends who haven't had this in their lives, I wish i hadn't.

I know that you know these feelings will pass, but but no doubt they'll be back again at some point. Sometimes for me just checking in with my person can reassure my anxiety, or speaking to someone who knows them and asking how they are doing.

Take care x

 

[Mulholland Drive]

I flew out to South Africa a couple of weeks ago, primarily because I have SAD, and being in England during winter was literally doing my head in

Am hoping that being back home, and enjoying summer weather, I might be able to get a handle on my dependency on white wine!

I was getting through at least 2 bottles a day back in England. I just hope I can move on from that and resort to orange juice or some other soft substitute during my time here in Johannesburg - I owe it to my kidneys!

The South African government announced that the selling, distribution and consumption of alcohol will be banned as of the 29th December until at least the 15th January. Which means I can't buy it online, or from a local store or supermarket; pubs and restaurants can't sell it either.

I have no wine left in the house, and I am struggling to get replacements short of looking at other "options", shall we say!

Not sure what our president was thinking but it will just invite more problems that it hopes to resolve; and there's no way I can survive 2 more weeks without a drink

 

[Definitelyme]

Hi everyone, hope everyone is doing well. This is a hard time of year with alcohol expected at gatherings, so thinking of everyone as we head in to the holiday season

 

[babbling brook]

I haven’t posted on here in a while but just need to vent.

My husband drinks too much and is hugely in denial about it. He was planning to do Sober October and has been so moody and whiny today about needing a drink that I bought him beer to shut him up. Please don’t tell me I’m enabling him; I know that, and I’m annoyed with myself for giving in. But why should I have to be the one to always be the bad guy and get moaned at for not buying him anything when i go to the shop? It is so exhausting.

If your person knows/knew they drink too much, how long did it take before they decided they were ready to stop? What was their breaking point? Bad hangovers don’t deter him and he works from home so doesn’t have to drive. He is so selfish and immature with his drinking sometimes and I’m tired of repeating myself about how unhealthy it is. I’m not getting anywhere because he doesn’t want to admit it’s an issue. There’s always an excuse.. stressful work, stressful house projects, stressful kids, etc.

 

[Definitelyme]

I needed to read this tonight.

Partner is an alcoholic. Will easily sink 3 bottles of wine, plus beers. He moved in with my and my kids 5 years ago and it has got better (I only allow him 1 bottle of wine & 4 beers a night, which keeps him happy enough but Im still not pleased about that) but he will have a massive blow out every few months if Im not there. He had one on Saturday. Kids were away and we made plans to go out for food when I finished work. He turns up 30 minutes late, smashed. Cant string a sentence together. Is insistant we go to every pub we pass for 'a quick one' but we had a reservation at a burger place. Worth mentioning here that I dont drink and was driving us home.

Ruined our whole night. Our first night out in 18 months and i was so excited about it all week. He was vile during dinner, almost started a fight, when he drinks he will argue that the sky is purple even if you were just talking about cats, because he cant follow a conversation. It upset me so much that we left at 9pm and he passed out on the sofa 2 minutes after getting home.

Its now Monday and we have barely spoken. He hasnt had a drink since (that i know of, his hidding place is empty and ive found no bottles anywhere else) but he knows Im upset, hes just too ashamed to apologise. I have a job interveiw in the morning and hes gone to bed without saying goodnight or good luck, nothing. Hes made me feel like its me in the wrong (i know thats not true but it doesnt hurt any less)

Sorry, just needed to vent. A few friends know the issues but their answer is to leave him. Family dont know the extent. Hes a fantastic step dad, i just wish he could stop drinking.

That was utterly shit of him to do. But alcoholics can not control themselves. I am in no way making excuses (far from it, the excuses make me so angry) but rather it’s just a fact of life with them. And that refusal to admit he is in the wrong, and treat you so badly, that is just such classic alcoholic behaviour. Have you ever broached this with him? How it impacts you? How his drinking is not normal?

Best of luck for your interview tomorrow

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you (and everyone who has replied).
It's my eldest child's dad. We haven't been in a relationship for many, many years but he has had a relationship with our child over the years.
He's been through rehab twice but unfortunately relapsed. He's currently in hospital with severe liver failure and Covid and his wife has been told that CPR is unlikely to be successful if he deteriorates. If he responds well to Covid treatment, his liver damage is severe and won't improve from this point.
My son asked me if I could give him a time frame. He's autistic which complicates things because I need to be accurate with anything I say. I have told him I don't have the answers but this adds an extra element of fear to things for him. He's been struggling lately as it is and hasn't taken the news well.

Sending you so much love. This must be so hard for you, trying to manage your own feelings and worries about what will happen, while balancing your sons need for very clear answers. A truly devastating situation for you both. X

 

[37BBL]

I'm really glad this thread has picked up again. I've found it so helpful. I don’t talk to anyone about how I feel with my sisters addiction, not even my husband really. Having people on here who understand has really helped me.
I saw my sister over the weekend for the first time in a while. She presented as sober but as I've said before I am always suspicious. It was nice though, we had a chat and it felt like old times, but then reality hits and I remember what she caused. I don't know if I will ever forgive her for how much pain and hurt she caused, but at least she is no longer causing that which is a good thing I suppose. She left early to do a zoom meeting where she was presenting, i knew this was true as I saw the invite and the messages. Can't criticise her for that i suppose.
She lost everything and still wouldn't change though. I dont know what it takes to be honest. She had a call to say a rehab place was free and if she didn't take it she would be at the bottom of the list, she had been on said list for about 4 months I think. So she took it and thats when she started to improve.
Its so tough, I wish they realised sooner but its such a selfish and cruel addiction that it seems to just ruin them. I think its true that they can only help themselves when they decide to.
Sending everyone love x x

 

[gmf21]

That’s so sad for you and (and him).

It sounds like you know you need to make a clean break but I understand how hard that will be. Sounds like you love him very much and he’s a good man who’s gone bad ways. Allow yourself time to grieve. You’re doing the right thing, you can’t save him but you can save yourself.

I think cutting contact is the right thing, you’re courageous and I bet you’re a fantastic mum x
---
I don’t know how you move on, but you will, just think about one day at a time for now x

 

[theghosttown]

Unfortunately if I try and give a good talking to my husband I get told I’m not being supportive. It then feeds into his narrative of the drinking not being his fault. It’s fucking toxic it really is. I like this thread as it makes me realise I’m not alone and neither is my husband. There are so many functioning alcoholics out there, I wish we could remove the stigma so that people found it easier to seek help.

Its really weird because when my brother drinks he actually becomes quite a sweet person but then when he goes past being just ‘drunk’ that’s when he becomes problematic. He says quite spiteful things, comes out with nonsense, he can’t participate in conversations as he’s too out of it. He’s gone from being quite attractive to having no real care for his personal hygiene, always looks pale and bloated. During the summer he was hiding bottles and cans. It’s got to a point my mum doesn’t even want to go out during the day. He busted his face when she was away, she popped out on Christmas Eve and he fell into (and broke) her 3 day old 50 inch tv. In the summer he was even drinking during the day. It’s an absolute fucking mess x

Unfortunately if I try and give a good talking to my husband I get told I’m not being supportive. It then feeds into his narrative of the drinking not being his fault. It’s fucking toxic it really is. I like this thread as it makes me realise I’m not alone and neither is my husband. There are so many functioning alcoholics out there, I wish we could remove the stigma so that people found it easier to seek help.

Its really weird because when my brother drinks he actually becomes quite a sweet person but then when he goes past being just ‘drunk’ that’s when he becomes problematic. He says quite spiteful things, comes out with nonsense, he can’t participate in conversations as he’s too out of it. He’s gone from being quite attractive to having no real care for his personal hygiene, always looks pale and bloated. During the summer he was hiding bottles and cans. It’s got to a point my mum doesn’t even want to go out during the day. He busted his face when she was away, she popped out on Christmas Eve and he fell into (and broke) her 3 day old 50 inch tv. In the summer he was even drinking during the day. It’s an absolute fucking mess x

 

[lozzapaloozza]

hope you are doing well now.

You too I have to say we are some strong ass people!

 

[Annie101]

I got ignored for 2 days, without knowing what i've done wrong. It torments me, I write little notes asking to just tell me what I have done. But then suddenly it is over and he is happy again. I am assuming that it is the dry drunk symptom. We are going away to a game lodge for a week next Monday, first time away this year and i am sure it will be good for him as i am an essential worker and been working all the time, but he has been housebound since February 2020 which cannot be good for mental health. Life is full of ups and downs with an alcoholic, and in reality we dont think I will ever just accept the situation, as it breaks me each time. On a positive note i bought myself a Tzu Shih puppy yesterday and i AM IN LOVE

 

[37BBL]

Anyone found that alcoholism and narcissism come hand in hand?

Yes, 100% in my person too.

 

[LouBug19]

So heartbreaking for you and your boyfriend.. please don’t call yourself out for ‘enabling him’ you did what you felt was right at the time and when you love someone you don’t want to watch them suffer in any way shape or form whether or not you know what is or isn’t for the best for them. I hope you’ve a good support network round you to help you cope and get through this as best you can.. we are all here for you if you need to talk on here x

Thank you that means a lot, I knew he suffered a lot for many reasons and that was his way off coping. He was only 35, its been tough but I do have friends and family around me. I try live every moment for both of us now, its just sad hes missing out on many things.

 

[Definitelyme]

I've started seeing a recovery coach and it's been life changing. He is on point with the questions he asks me about my upbringing and to understand why I am co - dependant of the alcoholic in my life. Instead of attacking me staying with the alcoholic he gives me tools how to deal with an addict and I must say it's really been helping helping me so much. I see the change in how my husband acts differently towards me as I am getting stronger. I hope this stays a safe place for people to vent without being attacked for not following their advise as each person experience and circumstances are different. Sending love to all.

I’m delighted to hear positive news from you, Annie. I’m glad you’re feeling stronger x

 

[Definitelyme]

I don’t drink at all. At uni I went through a phase where I couldn’t just have one drink, I got blitzed -not every night, maybe once or twice a term, but enough for me to see it wasn’t healthy for me. Plus I don’t actually like most alcohol anyway. I know I’m not the best mum in the world, but I also know I will NEVER put my kids through having an alcoholic parent.

Luckily my husband doesn’t drink either. He was never a huge drinker and gave it up a few years ago (his own choice). I do worry though that the fact we never drink or have alcohol in the house will mean as our kids grow up they don’t know how to moderate it and will go buck daft when they start drinking.

 

[37BBL]

Yeah, she got back yesterday night. I have yet to talk face to face with her because I’m so angry with her and her boyfriend is like “you have to be kind she is super sensitive” even though I am the one hurt by her actions, and he fails to comprehend why I am so angry, and hurt by this, he didn’t have to put up with decades of this shit before she got sober like I did, and I know for a fact if I see her I will just want to punch her into the face for pulling this shit again.

Totally get why you haven't spoken to her and why you are so angry. Really out of order for the boyfriend to be telling you how to act and feel. Is he also a drinker? Sounds like he cannot see how her actions are affecting other people, and that he sees no issue with this behaviour.
Has she been in a relationship with this person for a while? He sounds like he isn't good for her. Did her relapse come since she has been with him?