Alcoholism

[Happyvalley]

My husbands dry drunk symptoms out of control again. Treats me like he enemy. For the past 2 weeks my spirit been so low. I had to go through minutes of a meeting I attended at work 2 weeks ago. Between the work related stuff i wrote down words like, i am sad and depressed, suicidal, just want to stop everything. I am getting worried for myself. To others i look so in control, so tough and that i can handle anything. And i can't. Came home yesterday, and my husband moved into the other house on our property. Either to drink and that i can't see, or the deal with his shit. I have never felt lonelier. What good is it living in a mansion, us both having good careers and we so f*cked.

That’s really sad, I’m sorry you feel so low. Honestly I think you need to put yourself first at this point. If you’re financially stable and secure I would seriously consider leaving. Even if it’s for a short term break. Your own health and well-being is more important than trying to help a drinker. Sounds harsh but I am talking from experience. Like you said what good is it having money and careers if you can’t have happiness and inner peace. And it doesn’t sound like he can give you that right now x

 

[lozzapaloozza]

Thank you so much for your reply, i have never heard of residential detox centres but I will look it up now, thank you for sharing that! I feel like that would be a good thing for him. Yes I'm pleased in a way that he is in the hospital, at least he is safe and being looked after and they are really going to town to make sure they haven't overlooked anything injury and health wise,its definitely the best place for him right now.



Thank you so much for replying, it's reassuring to hear that secrecy seems to be a pattern in these circumstances. I hope your mum is doing well now! Yes I agree he's in the best place right now, I feel relieved in a way that he's still in hospital at the moment because I know they are monitoring him and keeping him safe while he's there.



Thank you for replying! I haven't contacted social services yet because the hospital said they were speaking to a team who make a plan for home care when he is discharged and I was a bit confused whether that's the same sort of thing as SS do or even if it's the same team.. I will write that on my list of questions for the ward when I call in the morning.

There has been suggestion of a lanyard with an sensor on it incase he falls and then regular care visits to check on him and make sure he is taking care of himself and his home. I think he really needs that now so again I will speak to the hospital to see how far they've got with that

Thank you, I definitely needed practical tips




Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I hope your sister is on the mend now! Honestly it's so helpful and a relief to know that keeping this a secret seems to be quote common. I feel like I've the weight of the world on me right now and knowing that lots of people do keep what's happening from their closest family is comforting because it takes off a bit of the blame I was putting on myself



Thank you so much, your reply made me cry, the second part was just what I needed to hear, I'm going to screen shot that part and re-read when I'm blaming myself or going over and over what more I could have done, you've put it into words that just make sense for me.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Thank you for sharing that with me. It's helped a lot xx

I’m so glad those words helped and will continue to help you, please reach out if you need anything

 

[Happyvalley]

Hi everyone
Some heartbreaking stories here
I posted earlier on this thread about my husband. He’s an alcoholic but denies it. Drinks 300ml minimum vodka a day often more/ other drinks. He is adamant this is normal and I’m judgemental.
There has been wbusive incidents in the past when he’s drunk I’m not going to lie but mostly he’s just annoying, talking rubbish and generally drunk
Very much functional has a really good job. No one would believe me.
I was all set to leave last year but doubting myself now. Am I being controlling? Is it me?!

Definitely not you. Alcoholics are clever. They can find ways to act normally, lie and deceive every one and make you feel like you’re the one in the wrong. You’re not. You deserve a happy stress free life and your husband is taking that away from you. Put yourself first x

 

[theghosttown]

I had a huge fall out today with my mum today. She ‘tackled’ my brother about his drinking and he was just able to deflect as he normally does. I know its wrong but part of me is so fuming with her because she has let him get away with so much in the past and he just always has an answer, excuse or the ability to blame others. Everything feels so messy at the moment.

 

[Kmacg]

@37BBL I got the job, thank you for asking
Briefly spoke to partner this morning, he said hes been feeling down and its because Im moving on with my life (we work for the same place) and hes being left behind.

We often talk about his drinking, the physical/health side for him and the emotional side for me and he gets better for a few days before slipping into old habits. Hes 41 years old and has drank heavily since he was 16 (both his parents and his brothers are all big drinkers too) where I come from a family who dont drink. Also the financial side as we are buying a house, i earn less but have saved 6k while hes saved....300. And thats not because he doesnt want to, but because he spends so much on alcohol he has nothing left by the end of the month!

 

[Definitelyme]

Highlight and love of my life. Sorry for non dog lovers out there, but we even have our baths together

A little fluff ball! I’m very glad you have such a sweetie to cuddle up to.

 

[Definitelyme]

I haven’t posted on here in a while but just need to vent.

My husband drinks too much and is hugely in denial about it. He was planning to do Sober October and has been so moody and whiny today about needing a drink that I bought him beer to shut him up. Please don’t tell me I’m enabling him; I know that, and I’m annoyed with myself for giving in. But why should I have to be the one to always be the bad guy and get moaned at for not buying him anything when i go to the shop? It is so exhausting.

If your person knows/knew they drink too much, how long did it take before they decided they were ready to stop? What was their breaking point? Bad hangovers don’t deter him and he works from home so doesn’t have to drive. He is so selfish and immature with his drinking sometimes and I’m tired of repeating myself about how unhealthy it is. I’m not getting anywhere because he doesn’t want to admit it’s an issue. There’s always an excuse.. stressful work, stressful house projects, stressful kids, etc.

Years and years (decades) of alcoholic drinking, several failed suicide attempts, the near loss of the marriage and familial relations. But it is so different for everyone and until they are ready to take that step there is nothing we can do for them

 

[37BBL]

My husbands dry drunk symptoms out of control again. Treats me like he enemy. For the past 2 weeks my spirit been so low. I had to go through minutes of a meeting I attended at work 2 weeks ago. Between the work related stuff i wrote down words like, i am sad and depressed, suicidal, just want to stop everything. I am getting worried for myself. To others i look so in control, so tough and that i can handle anything. And i can't. Came home yesterday, and my husband moved into the other house on our property. Either to drink and that i can't see, or the deal with his shit. I have never felt lonelier. What good is it living in a mansion, us both having good careers and we so f*cked.

Im so sorry. I think you need to break away and take some time for yourself. Time apart will either make you realise you don't need him or that you want to try again. Unfortunately no matter what you do, he will keep drinking until he decides he needs to change. My experience has taught me that even the worst imaginable situation doesn't spark that desire to change. Your health and wellbeing needs to come first, and you are clearly struggling.
Xxxx

 

[GiftedNotFree]

Just wanted to say I find it so helpful to read everyone’s stories. Being the partner of someone with a dependency/alcoholism is a really lonely and frustrating place to be but it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one. It is heartbreaking to hear of how many people are experiencing this.

I’m sorry. It must be awful. I’ll be honest, this is one of my biggest fears as someone that has lived with an alcoholic parent. It must be so difficult for romantic partners. You’re definitely not alone — there is support out there, for you too.

 

[northernspaces]

My husband has a drinking problem. I wouldn't label him an alcoholic but given his family history of "casual" and accepted drinking, I am scared that's where he is heading. He has been dealing with depression the last few years and takes meds but refuses to see a counsellor. I don't even enjoy having a few drinks with him anymore because it brings back memories of him being drunk and questioning our relationship. His parents are useless as they drink every night and have done for as long as he can remember. The irony is he finds it very stressful being around them when they are drinking but doesn't seem to understand that's how I feel being around him sometimes. It seems lately that he can't just have a casual drink. It turns into 5 or 6 (combination of beer and spirits, which makes it even worse). Any advice for the wife of a functional, almost alcoholic?

Have you ever spoken to him about it? If I were you I would explain that you are worried and feel the same way about him drinking as he does about his parents. Not to be stereotypical but I think men have to have emotional issues spelled out to them very very obviously, and if he does have a problem alcoholics are very selfish and won’t notice the feelings of others around them. It’s easier said than done speaking about this subject though, and if he is in denial about it he might be quite defensive.

If it is really worrying you quite badly I think you should establish some clear boundaries of what you feel comfortable with. You clearly aren’t comfortable with his drinking and the issue needs to be nipped in the bud before it becomes unstoppable.

I’m not sure if this advice is any good, I’m not a professional, just going from my gut feelings. My mum always says if she could go back in time and speak to herself at the beginning of her relationship with my dad she would be screaming at younger self. You don’t ever want to end up regretting things like that.

Best wishes to you both x

 

[babbling brook]

I don't have any advice as such but didn't want to not comment.
I totally get the exhaustion though, it consumes your whole being and for me I really struggled to ever switch off from it. I didn't even live with my person so I can't imagine how hard it is for you. It's a massive step though that he can control it to the extent that he is.

I actually found exercise for myself helped massively. When I was struggling to drop worrying and second guessing everything, going for a jog with my headphones on just helped me switch off. I know its not for everyone, but distraction allowed me just 30 minutes or so of worry free time when things were at the worst.

Would your husband consider any AA support? I know they can focus on techniques to cope too.

Sending you lots of love. X

I’m not sure how to quote the reply above so am including it here. He does take medication for the depression, thankfully. He has been on it for nearly 3 years now but I’m not sure how effective it is at the moment. It’s so hard to say because of covid! He works from home but I know the isolation isn’t helping. Going to the office is tiring but at least it was getting him out of the house and interacting with other people in real life and not just on Zoom.

AA isn’t an option at the moment. He recognises that he has been drinking too much but doesn’t see it (or won’t accept it) as a problem because “everyone else is doing it.” Cutting back so much has been a huge step forward, though. I think he is so accustomed to using alcohol as a crutch that he had forgotten what it’s like to not get wasted just because you’re stressed. It’s easier to numb than it is to deal with the emotions.

Exercise has really helped me as well. Like you said, it’s that 30 minutes to just not have to think about anything else other than the run.

 

[37BBL]

@Kmacg Sorry you've had such a rubbish first night out. I know when you've been so looking forward to something and the behaviour of an alcoholic can ruin it. I've been there with birthdays, nights out and my wedding anniversary which have all been ruined by my person, who is my sibling.

My experience has been that whilst you might get some half hearted apology when they're sober, its worthless because until they seek help to address the problem the same cycle will happen time and time again.

Its relentless and exhausting. Its easy to say leave him, but in reality that's a really difficult thing to do. I was able to cut my person out of my life for a while, but the worry and anxiety was still there because deep down its natural to worry and care even if we tell ourselves we don't.

I think an honest and open conversation needs to take place between you, explain how the weekends antics caused you to feel and ask whether he is open to addressing the drinking. If he flat out refuses then you may need to consider whether ending your relationship is the answer. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

Good luck for your interview and let us know how you get on x

 

[Definitelyme]

@Annie101 glad to hear from you. It’s wonderful that your husband made the choice to go to rehab himself. As said above, I hope it gives him all the tools he needs to deal with his reintegration back to normal life, and any temptations and relapses which are in his road ahead.

 

[No style rocky]

Thank you. I think this is a great place for me to talk about it. We have a very very small family so the only support my mum has regarding it is from me. My husband is amazing but I think he thinks if my mum gave him a stern talking to it would all just be resolved. Whereas I recognise the fact he is 27 years old and it’s just not that easy. She has tried! On Christmas Day I ended up watering down the whiskey. I have tried to speak to him as well but I love a drink too so he tries to use that as a way to exonerate himself. Our grandfather apparently was an alcoholic and he went missing when my father was a child. I drink heavily once a week too but I seem to have the off switch that he doesn’t xx

Unfortunately if I try and give a good talking to my husband I get told I’m not being supportive. It then feeds into his narrative of the drinking not being his fault. It’s fucking toxic it really is. I like this thread as it makes me realise I’m not alone and neither is my husband. There are so many functioning alcoholics out there, I wish we could remove the stigma so that people found it easier to seek help.

 

[babbling brook]

For those of you whose loved ones have gotten help, what made them finally decide to? I posted before about my husband having a problem. He is definitely a binge drinker and cannot stop once he has started. I get accused of being a nag when I try and talk to him about it. It’s like we are going around in circles with it all. It is so frustrating. His depression is getting worse and he thinks the alcohol is the only thing that makes him feel good. He is so stubborn and will not do anything like exercise or therapy. I feel like all I can do is wait for something to change but it is driving me mad. I hate it.

 

[Definitelyme]

Sorry to jump in but I just wanted to express something on here that no one else seems to think is concerning. My friend’s boyfriend only drinks at the weekends (he has a full time job in the week) however every time he drinks he drinks to oblivion (like to the point of passing out, not remembering a thing the next day and getting himself in bad situations).

One recent example - I purposely want to be vague because technically it’s not my business (although as it’s my friend who has to deal with the aftermath of it I’m naturally worried and concerned) - her boyfriend went out to the pub, ended up in town, had told her he would be back by 12am, hadn’t come back by 1am so she was ringing him to see if he was okay, he didn’t answer, in fact he stayed out until 8am, his “friends” ditched him in town and he rang my friend eventually from town in a pub that had a plug socket to charge his phone and call her.

She swiftly picked him up as he was distraught because he felt mentally unstable, he told her he didn’t remember much and couldn’t rule out taking drugs (had taken cocaine many times before). Basically he told her he was crying out for help. So they went to his Dads and he spoke to him openly about it. His dad told him he would help him no matter what. Then 2 days later he went out to the pub with his mates again and my friend said to me “Oh it’s okay he won’t get like that again and it’s only once a week he drinks”. Sure enough he got in a bad state again this time he got a lift back from a random stranger!!! Anything could have happened!

My friend just seems to accept it as it’s “once a week” and he “needs it to forget his problems”. Surely this is really worrying? He previously lost his driving license through drink driving too, and apparently he had counselling but stopped.

Sounds to me like massive red flags for alcoholism. It doesn’t matter how much it often a person drinks, if they can’t do without that drink, it’s an addiction. Your friend’s boyfriend sounds like he has a big problem, which he is somewhat aware of, but sounds like they are trying to bury their heads in the sand a bit.

 

[ButtonDownTheHutches]

I’m so sorry that there are so many of us going through such an awful time just now. Sending love to you all

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Sorry to jump in but I just wanted to express something on here that no one else seems to think is concerning. My friend’s boyfriend only drinks at the weekends (he has a full time job in the week) however every time he drinks he drinks to oblivion (like to the point of passing out, not remembering a thing the next day and getting himself in bad situations).

One recent example - I purposely want to be vague because technically it’s not my business (although as it’s my friend who has to deal with the aftermath of it I’m naturally worried and concerned) - her boyfriend went out to the pub, ended up in town, had told her he would be back by 12am, hadn’t come back by 1am so she was ringing him to see if he was okay, he didn’t answer, in fact he stayed out until 8am, his “friends” ditched him in town and he rang my friend eventually from town in a pub that had a plug socket to charge his phone and call her.

She swiftly picked him up as he was distraught because he felt mentally unstable, he told her he didn’t remember much and couldn’t rule out taking drugs (had taken cocaine many times before). Basically he told her he was crying out for help. So they went to his Dads and he spoke to him openly about it. His dad told him he would help him no matter what. Then 2 days later he went out to the pub with his mates again and my friend said to me “Oh it’s okay he won’t get like that again and it’s only once a week he drinks”. Sure enough he got in a bad state again this time he got a lift back from a random stranger!!! Anything could have happened!

My friend just seems to accept it as it’s “once a week” and he “needs it to forget his problems”. Surely this is really worrying? He previously lost his driving license through drink driving too, and apparently he had counselling but stopped.

It is concerning. He clearly has a problem with alcohol and your friend is enabling him. He needs to start going to AA meetings, and start seeing a therapist to work on whatever underlying issues he has. he also needs to find some actual decent friends who actually give a shit about him; the people he has around him clearly couldn’t care less for his welfare if they keep facilitating/encouraging this behaviour every week.

 

[Curly Top]

3 weeks ago I had meeting just out of town, and did not go to the office. I got home earlier than usual and walked into my husbands study to greet him. I saw shock on his face and knew something was wrong. Then i saw bottle of whiskey on his desk. He finished a whole bottle of whiskey while he was working after being sober and going to AA. This time i changed my behavior, i didnt argue, i didnt cry or beg. I asked him to leave nicely. he tried changing my mind but i felt this inner strength i never felt before. During this time he came home to see me, he begged and i asked for a bullet point list of where he see's himself in the future and what changes he will make with due dates.

After two weeks i allowed him to move into the cottage and not the main house. He comes over for dinner every night, and emotionally I am feeling numb. He is however going to more AA meeting and meeting his sponsor more often. In my heart I know i am not giving up on him, but i do not have to surround myself with the addiction.

Lots of love, courage and strength to you all. xx

Well done to you. You must have been at the end of your tether. It is the best thing for both of you.
If he sees you mean business, he has to sort himself out. Tough love.

 

[Ponponpon]

Life with an alcoholic. Got home yesterday, he is still working from home re lockdown. I kiss him hello and asked him why our housekeeper has not cleaned our bedroom as yet. He looks at me with disdain and said it is your area to sort out. I asked housekeeper she said he was sleeping the whole day so she did not have access to room. He walks into the bedroom wildeyed, i ask him if he is in a mood. I get back, "dont ask, dont talk, do you want me to break every window and door in this house"? i am confused and afraid. I thought things are getting better. I am too nervous to say anything but okay. he leaves the room to go downstairs, come back and says - did you say anything, ready for a verbal attack. I am even more confused and said i didnt say anything. My heart and spirit breaks again. I go and have a bath, the scenario playing over and over in my mind. Once done i go to him, sit on the coffee table right in front of him. I tell him that i listened to lies for years, that i want to trust him. That we have a life that he rules with fear. If he is proud to be a man that makes his wife afraid instead of feeling loved and protected. I cry and leave, he throws sarcastic comments back to me. He gets cruel. A while later he comes up and tells me i blow things up out or proportion. i say because you never admit to what you are doing and/or saying. He walks away pissed off. I sleep in the guestroom afraid to leave room, and i pray and pray. Left the house without seeing him this morning and then later gets a text from him, saying he is disappointed in himself and of how he treated me. What can i say back, that everything is cool? Where does the feelings i have inside of me of reoccurring things that happens all the time go? Why do i need to be scared all the time and nervous about what i say or do. Why do i keep on loving him??

Oh Annie my heart breaks for you. Does your husband acknowledge he has an addiction? Do I remember correctly that you're part on an Al-Anon group too, if so when's your next meeting with them?