Alcoholism

[Gembo]

Hi,
I was just wondering if anyone has any experience with someone they know having serious liver disease? What is the average time span between that and end stage?
I can't face reading all of google at the moment (although I'm sure I will tomorrow), thought some of you here may have some helpful input. Thank you.

I think it can be hard to say. My mum was given 6-8 weeks but went on for another just over 2 years. I think it depends how severe it is and if the person has stopped drinking. I hope you are ok xx

 

[37BBL]

I'm so sorry for your loss @Gembo

It is so hard not to think in hindsight what would have been different. From my experience, alcoholics hide things so, so well. None of my family knew how bad my sibling was at all. Her tolerance must have been sky high. Even when the unimaginable happened, at the fault of herself, she continued to drink. She only got help when she decided to.

Please don't beat yourself up about it. Your friend is at peace now. My dad, who goes to AA support meetings to try and cope with what my sibling did, told me the 3 C's last week. Didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. X

 

[37BBL]

I’ve not read all the comments yet but will go back to read them. The bloodline on one side of my family is very addictive - my parent is an alcoholic, their sister died of an overdose, my grandparent died from alcoholism and my other aunts/uncle all have various substance abuse issues as well as shopping addiction it’s a lot basically!

My parent almost lost their battle with alcohol a few years ago but is luckily now in recovery and sober for 4 years. It was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever dealt with (and I’ve dealt with some stuff). Even now, I think I have PTSD from their drinking and the fallout from all of it. Dealing with it as it’s happening is almost too much to bear — it’s constant fear, worry, stress, panic, obsessively thinking of what they’re doing / where they are / if they’re safe as well as all the actually physical heavy lifting that’s required to actually help and support them. I really truly wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

For me, I couldn’t just cut my parent off so had to come up with ways to cope. Accepting that it’s not YOUR fault is pretty huge — I went to one AlAnon meeting but don’t think I’ve as in the right headspace for it to be beneficial. A lot of the people in the group had no recent experience of dealing with an alcoholic and were mostly people that had an alcoholic that was in long term recovery so I felt a bit alienated. Not to say they don’t have their place, but being able to cope day to day for me meant coping mechanisms that didn’t include meetings.

Working on accepting my emotions and how i felt about my parent was pivotal. I can love them but can’t change them. I can help them but can’t fix them etc. I can criticise them but still appreciate them for the person they are.

Good luck to anyone in this situation, it can be utterly horrendous.

The constant worry is what gets me too. Expecting a phone call that they have injured themselves, back in hospital again, back on it again, upsetting other family members, not answering messages or calls. Its exhausting. X

 

[Ponponpon]

I have a functioning alcoholic parent. Well I say functioning, they are not the cusp of becoming a non functioning one now. Totally in denial, gets very defensive and angry when challenged about it however on occasion will admit they drink too much make attempt to stop for a few days then fall off the wagon again. Ive lost count of the number times they’ve shown themselves up, they are an absolute fucking embarrassment but I’ve had to detach myself because until they want to give up they can’t.

That sounds very familiar, minus the stopping for a few days. Mine's going through enforced quitting currently - in hospital. I googled the withdrawal from alcohol symptoms and all occured, though denial is rife and it's just dehydration not the alcohol. Sending love.

Would highly recommend One Year No Beer. They do 28,90 and 365 challenges. You could do the 28 together as a fun thing. It’s hard to get people to admit though, I sympathise with you. My stepdaughters lost their mum to alcoholism and it is devastating

I didn't know that was a thing either. She will blatantly lie and convinced herself she doesn't drink. There have been situations where she's replenished her drink several times in front of others and said it's the first drink (alcoholic or otherwise) since lunchtime.

I have a sibling who is an alcoholic. Its the most horrendous thing I have ever been through. I would even say worse than when a close family member died.
She has completely ruined her life. Lost everything. Even that didn't make her change her ways though. She went to rehab and detox in December and came back in June. The 6 months she was away was bliss, I didn't have the constant worry that every time my phone rang it would be my parents saying something had happened. Or that she was kicking off at one of their houses.

When she came out it was mid lock down so I didn't see her. She started seeing us again about 4 weeks ago. It was okay, I am very weary. She has countless zoom meetings with her councellors, sponsor, group members etc every day. Last week I knew something was wrong with my mum, when I pressed her she said my sister had a blip and had a drink the week before. I have never had any faith that she will stay sober I'm afraid. I knew she would slip up. Apparently she knows it was wrong, she wanted to test the water and see if she could manage one. She is now on a back to basics with Al Anon and has to go back to square one.

I don't really cope with it. Ignorance is bliss for me, I don't speak with her and I only see her if I have to. In all honesty, I am waiting for the day that I get the call the worst has happened. There was a time I was willing that would happen. It sounds terrible I know, but she has ruined my parents lives for 2 years and cost them tens of thousands of pounds. I honestly think life would be easier without her. I have seen her in a complete mess, the only time I have really seen drunks is on a night out but she was something else.

All the people who live with and deal with alcoholics in their lives, I salute you. Its the most awful thing to cope with x

Oh of that sounds so familiar too. Sending so much love. Do you mind if I ask if she drinks at home or out?

 

[Definitelyme]

Hello,

So, my dad has always liked a drink. As long as I remember he spent a lot of time in the pub and would lie all the time to my mum about where he was, how much he was drinking. Mum finally left him 23 years ago and since then he's lost his job, house and alcoholism swallowed him. He ended up homeless and wouldn't accept our help, we were at our wits end, luckily a policeman found him sleeping rough and it lead to him being housed in council over 65 accommodation.

He seemed really happy and said his time living with nothing had helped him detox and now he didn't need alcohol. Between me and my siblings we each called once a week,two of us live a hundred miles away and one closer so we would call in when visiting and our other sibling would go more often. He didn't like us being too involved, always kept us at arms length and got mad if we interfered too much so we just did what he would allow, but we used to chat about what he'd been up to... Walking / shopping / what he'd been cooking etc

He never needed anything and we always asked, always said he had everything under control and to be fair it always looked that way when we visited. With the onset of covid he became really withdrawn, didn't want us to visit anymore, he became very scared to leave the house. We called on the phone as often as we could (not more than once a week as he said we were checking up on him and would get mad). We sent him food parcels and amazon parcels of masks / sanitiser etc but his life changed quite a lot during lockdown, not feeling safe going out and not seeing anyone.

We had cheery conversations with him and thought everything was okay. He told us everything was okay, we had no reason to worry. We talked the same about food and TV programmes, and how he'd been keeping busy etc

Last week my sibling went over to drop something off at the door and found him on the floor. He hadn't answered my call the night before which made me send my sibling a bit sooner than planned. He was unresponsive. The ambulance came and fire to get them in the house. He had been on the floor upwards of 24 hours.

His house was a terrible state, full with hundreds of cider bottles, messy and unclean. My dad was taken to hospital where he told them this had been happening a lot. They've found him to be severely malnourished, low sodium, low BP, cuts and bruises from other falls, he's undergoing tests still for bleeding on the brain from one of the falls and possible other things including chest xrays and neurological tests. He's still in hospital. We asked if we could get clothes for him / stuff from the house and he said he didn't have anything clean and he didn't even own any socks.

We are absolutely devastated. He hasn't let us near him for the last year because he's been so scared about covid, so we've kept in as much telephone contact as possible but we had no idea what was going on and how bad things had got and over the phone he was always so cheery and told us everything was fine. He was always good at telling my mum what she wanted to hear when they were married so perhaps we shouldn't have taken what he said at face value so much, I don't know.

I don't know what to do, how to help. The hospital have him on detox medication but I'm not sure what that is or how it helps. The alcohol team are involved too. I just don't know how it came to this and why he didn't tell us he needed help.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I've been to clean his house and bought new bed things and clothes and essentials. But I'm not sure what else to do. I don't know medically where he is really and they won't let us visit in the hospital, we are taking regular packages though and we took him a phone so we can call him directly.

Does anyone have experience of a situation being hidden from them to this point? I just wish he had said something, told us he was drinking again, and that it was serious and he was having these falls/periods where he was unconscious, we could have helped, my heart is breaking thinking of what he's been going through on his own and I don't know what to do to help, I don't know what to do at all

Oh my lovely, I am so so sorry for what you, your dad and your siblings have been through. It sounds absolutely horrendous, and you must feel so confused and devastated by it all.

Not the same, but my mum definitely hid her drinking from us even when she was telling us she was doing well, going to AA and getting help. She then attempted suicide which brought it all to the fore. So yes, they know how to hide it well, unfortunately.

It sounds as if he is in the right place and getting lots of great help. My mum also had to take detox meds, I’m not sure how they work either tbh, but I remember they made her very sleepy, and she had to be weaned off them.

It also sounds like you are doing, and have been doing, all you can to help. Don’t blame yourself for any of this. X

 

[Annie101]

hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well. I'm having a bad day so i just wanted a little rant and to get my feelings out. The area I live in is moving to tier3, my family had bubbled with my mum before in the previous lockdown as my alcoholic sister was in rehab. However when we went tier 2 this time round, we agreed my mum would bubble with sister who has been out of rehab for 6 months, as she is on her own and we realise she needs support. I'm fine with that, but its hard not seeing my mum.
I've been feeling down because of that, and the uncertainty of not knowing how tier3 will affect my kids etc. So today I call my mum after work as I do every day just to check how things are. She sounded fine and said she had a good day at work etc. Anyway, we are chatting away and she mentioned something about her job and I said ooh maybe don't mention that to (sister) it was about the fact that someone we know had a new job, she then says I have a feeling she has been drinking again. She couldn't reach her on the phone and walked to her house and saw she was asleep on the sofa midday. She said she had no proof and she may just be ill but she had a feeling. Anyway, my mum wasn't actually upset or anything, but ever since that call I've just felt so low.
We have a few family issues which are completely out of our control but I just always feel like why me? Why can't I have a family like other people at work where there isn't this constant drama and fear of something going wrong. Why can't my mum just have a normal child who doesn't cause her so much anxiety and worry. It really gets to me. I feel guilty for my kids that I have previously had to lie to them about where thier Aunt was.
I know I can't control any of this and I know it isn't my fault. I even know that 12 months ago this would have sent me into a major panic and anxiety attack, but it hasn't this time. I know tomorrow I will feel less like this but my god I feel awful tonight. I'm back to feeling like I want her gone permanently which isn't great.
I saw her last weekend and things were fine, she's actually been doing really well for the last few weeks which makes this all the more shit.
Sorry for the rant, its been a hard week at work with deadlines and moving into tier3 which affects my job. I think its just topped off a bit of a crap week x x x

Easier said than done, but YOU need to take care of you. When i started Al Alnon i thought this was a very selfish way because you love the addict.
But the relieve I felt the day when i told my husband that his addiction is his problem and when he lies about drinking, that is on him. But i know it difficult and part of you is always on the lookout to see if they have been drinking again. Wishing you lots of love and hoping you feel better soon

 

[leapricot]

It’s such a comfort to know that there is people who understand this too. Sometimes I get in such a rut thinking about how I maybe don’t ‘help’ him enough, speak to him enough etc. But what can I do? We’re the children in the relationship and they are supposed to be the parent and yet it is always on us to contact them or try to help. And it feels like a slap in the face when I hear what his ‘reasons’ are for being an alcoholic because it is petty things like not having gotten enough attention from his dad when he was younger or being in love with a girl who he never married Like.... what do they think they are doing to us, trauma wise???? Having an alcoholic parent is really one of the worst things that can happen to a person and it amazes me how they always internalise their pity instead of thinking for one second about how it affects people around them.

Oh well "lucky" you that your dad has "reasons" for it because my dad doesn't even acknowledge his problem when he is sober. I had a chat with him about a month ago where he was drunk and he half told me that he lost everything (his company, my mom after a divorce, and ultimately me, because I have been in the UK for 5 years and I don't come back that often) so that would be his "reason".
I feel very responsible for him and I don't think we should?
He goes to a pub not far from where he lives and he fell in love with the landlady (who's married with a kid) and because of her situation, I am sure she only uses him as bait so he can spend money in her pub. I am going there next week and I think I will have a word with her.
He has 2 car accidents in the past year because he drives home blind drunk. And he has had his license taken once last year but as soon as they gave him back he was back on the road.

I think, there is only so much you can do and only he can help himself... Is your dad willing to go to rehab?

 

[loveanatter]

I'll give the Al Anon group another look, I see its had mixed reviews but, as everything, its worth a try. I hadn't heard of SMART recovery so will see what thats all about.
My kids are teenagers but I had spent a lot of time over the years shielding them from his drunken behaviour which would have been confusing and scary to them as younger children. Now they are older I can't hide it anymore; they notice him slurring, repeating himself and his inability to remember conversations etc from the night before leaving my role in this situation a bit defunkt.

I think this has been a catalyst for me feeling unable to carry the situation anymore, my focus was on the children, now I just feel lonely, ashamed and as if I'm not being very loyal by discussing how I feel about his drinking with other people.

This sounds quite similar to my situation except I was the child.
Sending you so much strength as it is a lot for anyone to have to go through. You can’t help a person that doesn’t want to be helped, and so don’t feel like any of it is your fault x

 

[37BBL]

Thanks everyone, it's so helpful to have somewhere to sound off with people in similar positions.

We spoke today as I needed some things from the house so needed to be civil. He said he thought he'd blown it (he had), that he thought I wouldn't want to speak to him (I don't particularly) and invited me round for a roast tomorrow as he has no bubble (I politely declined). He finished the call with how much better he felt after speaking to me and I wasn't moody. I couldn't make it up if I tried .

It sounds like you handled the call really well and well done for being civil. I've been in many situations with my person where I have had to bite my tongue because its just not worth the argument, there is a lot which I would love to say to her but ultimately it wouldn't help either of us. She is responsible for her own choices at the moment and knows the mechanisms to change that, me shouting and venting wouldn't do anything aside from revert her further back.
I stay silent for my own sake too as I don't cope well with confrontation.
Its almost like these people forget how they have made us feel before and think a couple of nice gestures will remove all those feelings xxx

 

[37BBL]

Hi everyone, hope you’re keeping well. I couldn’t think where to share my worries but then thought Of this thread and how useful I’ve found reading it.

I’ve mentioned before “my” alcoholic is my mum. I believe her to currently be sober but really who ever knows? One thing I constantly dread is a death in the family leading to her drinking again. Today we found out her brother, my uncle, has take his own life. It’s extremely unexpected and we are all knocked for six. Of course now my concern is her return to drinking.

Ive advised her to get in touch with her support system, but I know I’ll be worrying over the next weeks about how this will play out.

Im so sorry you have had a loss in the family.
I totally know what you mean about certain incidents prompting the drinking again. The worry is agonising and so draining. I would tell you not to worry but I know it isn't that easy and it will consume you. Try to just take some time for yourself if you can to take your mind off the worry even if its just for a few minutes xxx

 

[Annie101]

thank you all for you kind words. I am looking at Airbnb's close to work and stay there for a while, but when i've done this in the past I made things worse. I have the house to myself and I want to be around my dogs. The property is big enough that we dont see each other, but i am embarrassed that our caretaker and cleaner sees that we are not in the same house. And it breaks my heart that he would rather be away from me than being with me. The logical side of me knows it is not my fault, i cannot "fix him", but i cannot help feeling abandoned and unloved. I dont talk to people in my life about it, as his shame with alcohol has always been my shame.

 

[37BBL]

Thank you! Exercise absolutely would make a difference. He was doing well with getting out for a run a few months ago, then got out of the habit and never started back again. He is always tired and can’t be bothered to go outside, but I guess that is also part of the depression. I think I need to keep encouraging it, but also get us all out for some more family walks as that usually helps too.

It’s also really good advice for me to ignore his comments. It’s hard not to snap something back at him but I am slowly learning that reacting emotionally doesn’t help the situation and just makes me feel more upset. The heavy drinking started nearly two years ago now and it feels like we’re just going in circles with our conversations about it. It’s exhausting to constantly think about it and wonder when things will feel normal between us again. One step at a time.

I don't have any advice as such but didn't want to not comment.
I totally get the exhaustion though, it consumes your whole being and for me I really struggled to ever switch off from it. I didn't even live with my person so I can't imagine how hard it is for you. It's a massive step though that he can control it to the extent that he is.

I actually found exercise for myself helped massively. When I was struggling to drop worrying and second guessing everything, going for a jog with my headphones on just helped me switch off. I know its not for everyone, but distraction allowed me just 30 minutes or so of worry free time when things were at the worst.

Would your husband consider any AA support? I know they can focus on techniques to cope too.

Sending you lots of love. X

 

[iloveanimals]

For anybody struggling, there is a forum called brighteye, its supportive and for anybody . You dont have to be a hardcore alcoholic.

 

[babbling brook]

Im sorry for what you are going through. despite what has happened with my mum I still can’t imagine how horrendous it must be to deal with alcoholism in your partner. I really hope he has the awakening he so desperately needs x

Thank you. I know it could be so much worse but he really becomes so obnoxious and arrogant when he’s drunk. My mum grew up with an alcoholic father so she’s told me a bit of what it could be like. That must have been really hard x

 

[Ponponpon]

It was at home. She hid it for months and then when it peaked no-one could force her to see how bad things were. It took many tragic things happening before she decided to take things seriously. She always drank in the house, wasn't one to go out on the lash.

Its horrific and I feel for anyone in the situation. I find unless someone has direct experience then they tend to think you are overreacting about how much it affects everyone xx

Same as my situation. Everyone thinks it's only been after she lost her husband but it wasn't the case.

Completely agree with the last part too, and it's always "oh it's only a couple of drinks, let them enjoy themselves". I really hope your sister is still able to accept the help, it's so good to hear she's taken that brave step.

I really hope this thread hasn't triggered anyone.

 

[Curly Top]

My mother and step-father were big drinkers and there were lots of alcohol fuelled dramas in our house in my teens. My step-father had his driving license taken away on two occasions after drink driving. He would think nothing of driving home 25 miles from central London after imbibing shed loads of wine followed by several brandies. This was in the 70s.

As they aged they continued drinking and would always have a glass of wine by their sides. My mother became bitter and mauldlin when she reached her seventies. Later she added sedatives and pain control tablets to her arsenal. She would sleep until lunchtime and then drink until 6pm and take herself off to bed to eat chocolate. Whenever I called, except around lunchtime, her voice would be slurred.

This has put me right off the booze. I have seen first-hand the problems it causes - the fights, the falls, the accidents, the unkind words - though most people don't get that bad. I don't drink at all and my children, both in their 20s, hardly bother either.

It surprises me, though, even now, the pressure to drink. Some people are so weird. I have even been told that drinking so much water is bad for me! Here in the UK is the commonly-held view that a good evening always involves booze, that if you don't drink you are missing out. It's as if we have been brain washed.

I feel for any of you who are stuck with drink dependent relatives as they become self-involved and selfish. Make sure you look after yourselves. It is a poisoned chalice trying to help a drunk.

 

[Raininvain]

thank you so much for your kind and wise words .My grief is because our puppy died of a brain tumour at only 15 weeks against my wishes my family got another puppy she only 10 months and has been diagnosed with lot of elbow problems.Although she is insured we just don't have enough resources financially and mentally to see her through this .She is going to charity foster carer in few weeks and hopefully she can get her problems sorted and lead a happy life .I'm scared for her feeling we've abandoned her when she needs us.She would be in a home environment and get all the care she needs .I just cry all the time with all the future things we would have done.think that's where the drink comes in .She good at going to her bed and settling.,I can't sleep so drink as a knockout.

Sounds like you have done the best you can for both your dogs and you have put your current dog first. What can you do if you cant cover all the costs? I'd just be telling myself I was doing the best I could for my pet given my current resources. I'm sorry your going through this, its very difficult when it comes to pets. Try to focus instead on your dog being happy and healthy.

 

[Drea1984]

Thank you. I would say once a fortnight.
He looked “well” when he was dry. Slim and healthy. But his face looks to me like he is drinking.

 

[Definitelyme]

That's really kind of you but I'm not incredible. I'm just a person doing my best.
In terms of my own feelings, I think I'm ok. Last night I did find myself thinking about things that happened in the past, things that I haven't thought about for a very long time.
This situation isn't about me though. It's about my son, his other children and his wife and the rest of his family. It's all just very sad.

It is incredibly sad that his drinking is going to rob so many children (I think you said he has 3 others who are young?) of their father. Just another example of how horrendous alcoholism is, not just for the alcoholic, but for everyone around them.

 

[37BBL]

As you know I posted similar recently. I think it comes and goes for many of us, maybe some sort of form of PTSD (or maybe that’s over dramatic?) Either way, I hope your worries are unfounded and your mind is able to rest again in a day or two.

Thank you I do wonder if it could be some form of PTSD, or something similar for those of us who have been affected by this.

I am feeling much better today. Actually spoke to my person and just asked the question how things are. Turns out they are 11.2 months sober and feeling positive. Their words were I'll never go back now and I know I can't say that but I won't deal with things with alcohol again.

I know we never know and cannot ever be sure, but I really hope its the case. Feeling a lot calmer now and ready to have a few days off work with my kids x