I have never found any celebration in sober times, to be honest. I just wait for it to end. I find those times just after stopping very, very difficult - almost more so than times when they are drinking. I am constantly on edge, feel unsettled. It’s A hard time.
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Jessica Taylor Exposed - Her company WhatsApp group spoke about posting poo to a CSA survivor and threatened employees with taking their entire assets if they whistleblew. The not-a-medical-doctor refused to give any evidence for any of her claims and has an extensive history of falsely reporting vulnerable women that speak up to the police for stalking and harassment. Listen now!
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I've been thinking about this thread recently and keep forgetting to check in, so thank you for posting and resurrecting it.
I don't think you're a witch for not being ecstatic. The people celebrating, have not experienced alcoholism in the same sense that those of us closest to the person do. I found this with my person, other people were so joyous and happy that they were sober but I was dubious, suspicious and still very angry. I didn't want people to be happy for my person, I wanted them to know exactly how they had hurt those of us closest and the pain they had caused us.
It's been a long time now that my person has been sober. They had a relapse about 6 months in but its been about 18 months sober now. I still don't celebrate it or feel proud of them tbh. I'm glad they don't cause us the continual pain that they did, but I'll never be able to forget that feeling or fully forgive them.
I think it's okay to feel how you do. I've found it's only a very select number of people who have been through it like we have.
How’s everyone doing? Things are better but I’ve realised how anxious the whole thing has made me. I’m still not sure what to do with some of my feelings about it all, I don’t want to raise it with partner cos they seem to be doing well and I shouldn’t put extra stress on them. Mutual friends know now but they are “his” friends and only one of mine really knows about it all and I don’t want to bore her with it!
Christmas feels a bit scary but I’m trying to have faith and I know I can’t do anything to control what happens.
Christmas feels a bit scary but I’m trying to have faith and I know I can’t do anything to control what happens.
New to this thread but so glad I've found it.
Your posts really resonate with where I am. My husband drinks everyday, I don't know how much, he hides it from me and won't talk about it. He's functioning, goes to work etc. He isn't abusive and is the best husband and Dad in the daytime but come 6pm he clocks off and the drinking starts.
I love him so much but despise his drinking which makes him incoherent and prevents him being present. I've told him he has to sleep on the sofa as I can't sleep in bed with him when he's been drinking but that hasn't changed anything and we barely sleep in the same bed anymore. It's miserable and I was toying with the idea of joining and AlAnon group for support but thought on the off chance there may be something on here which may be of some help. I can't believe there are so many other people who are describing the isolation, worry and internal conflict that I've been feeling for years now.
I see there's not been a post here for a while. I hope everyone is okay.
Isolation is right, I didn’t realise how much until he stopped (still stopped, fingers crossed).
Try an Al Anon meeting, if you don’t like it you don’t need to go again, but maybe something will resonate? I think SMART recovery do a family thing as well so if that’s near you it could be good?
how old are your kids, that must be hard.
Try an Al Anon meeting, if you don’t like it you don’t need to go again, but maybe something will resonate? I think SMART recovery do a family thing as well so if that’s near you it could be good?
how old are your kids, that must be hard.
I'll give the Al Anon group another look, I see its had mixed reviews but, as everything, its worth a try. I hadn't heard of SMART recovery so will see what thats all about.
My kids are teenagers but I had spent a lot of time over the years shielding them from his drunken behaviour which would have been confusing and scary to them as younger children. Now they are older I can't hide it anymore; they notice him slurring, repeating himself and his inability to remember conversations etc from the night before leaving my role in this situation a bit defunkt.
I think this has been a catalyst for me feeling unable to carry the situation anymore, my focus was on the children, now I just feel lonely, ashamed and as if I'm not being very loyal by discussing how I feel about his drinking with other people.
This sounds quite similar to my situation except I was the child.
Sending you so much strength as it is a lot for anyone to have to go through. You can’t help a person that doesn’t want to be helped, and so don’t feel like any of it is your fault x
I would echo Al-anon. If anything it is so helpful to listen to other people in exactly the same situation and know that it is not you and it it not your fault. The one thing I have taken from Al-anon is the 3 Cs - I didnt Cause it, I can Cure it and I can't Control it. It also helps you to detach from the the alcoholic, and understand that they are not the same person you know and love, they have a disease, are sick and need help. Unfortunately in the UK unless you have private insurance, that help is near on impossible to get. It is heart breaking.
There is also Al-ateen for children of.an alcoholic.
There is also Al-ateen for children of.an alcoholic.
I didn't know there was a support group for children, I'll have a look at it as it appears my daughter is struggling and so may benefit from some support.
I've started taking to a therapist which has helped structure my concerns rather than me making myself feel like I'm just having a moan and I think the 'community' element of AlAnon could really help, even if its just listening to others in a similar situation.
The three Cs make a lot of sense and if it helps detach the behaviour from the person then it has a functional use for me on a day to day basis. When I think about my situation I'm finding myself swaying from feeling grieving and upset to angry and irrational, neither of which is very pleasant.
I’m really struggling with my Dad and his alcoholism. He’s been alcoholic for as long as I can remember. He has had one or two bouts of being sober, one stint for as long as 3 years. It’s so so draining, he doesn’t want help otherwise he wouldn’t constantly fail. He can be really verbally abusive and controlling to my Mom (and myself and brother. I just have him blocked now so I don’t have contact unless it’s through my Mom because it does nothing for my own health). He has to know what she’s doing all the time and where she is.
He has to plan everyone’s day and everyone has to drop everything for him based on his needs (duck the fact that we have jobs right?!). Take for example today, myself and my brother were going to visit him this evening with our Mom (I don’t like her going to his by herself) and he asked for us to go today (he wants help with something so that’s the only reason he’s asked us to go). That’s fine. Now he’s pissed up and had been hounding my Mom all day just being an idiot and taking the high ground because we refuse to be around him when he’s drunk. He doesn’t like it when you call him out for being drunk either. But he blatantly slurring. I am convinced he’s mixing his prescription medication up too with all this booze.
For background my parents are estranged and don’t live together. Technically separated but not divorced.
He’s clearly very unwell, barely leaves his flat and is constantly incoherent. Doesn’t like it when you say he’s drunk. Doesn’t like it when you catch him drinking. Doesn’t like it how I look in his bins and call him out on his bull. Doesn’t do anything for himself (my Mom does his weekly shop, phones to sort his docs appointments or his dentist appointments. Myself and brother sort out his phone contract and monitor his emails for him). He has alcohol delivered to his house by a local shop and I’m trying to find out which shop it is as I want to go in and demand they stop delivering it. I just think it’s disgusting and these people are taking the absolute piss and most likely laughing at my Dad as he pays them to consistently get drunk and feed his alcoholism.
It’s totally life ruining. I feel like I would given anything to have a normal father. Absolutely anything. Just for the peace. The worst of it all when he’s sober, he is brilliant. So so good for advice. He just can’t stay sober, or maybe he doesn’t want to. Heartbreaking cause clearly his family and their feelings mean zilch to him as this is all I ask and he can’t even do that.
On the other hand I’m so so worry about him dying lonely cause I wouldn’t want that for him. He has got people around who love him
The whole thing is such a headfuck.
It’s took me some time to pluck up the courage to post here as I have people in my real life who know my user but don’t know the full details re: my dad, but duck it. I’m so sick of feeling stunted and embarrassed by all of this when it’s his actions, not mine.
He has to plan everyone’s day and everyone has to drop everything for him based on his needs (duck the fact that we have jobs right?!). Take for example today, myself and my brother were going to visit him this evening with our Mom (I don’t like her going to his by herself) and he asked for us to go today (he wants help with something so that’s the only reason he’s asked us to go). That’s fine. Now he’s pissed up and had been hounding my Mom all day just being an idiot and taking the high ground because we refuse to be around him when he’s drunk. He doesn’t like it when you call him out for being drunk either. But he blatantly slurring. I am convinced he’s mixing his prescription medication up too with all this booze.
For background my parents are estranged and don’t live together. Technically separated but not divorced.
He’s clearly very unwell, barely leaves his flat and is constantly incoherent. Doesn’t like it when you say he’s drunk. Doesn’t like it when you catch him drinking. Doesn’t like it how I look in his bins and call him out on his bull. Doesn’t do anything for himself (my Mom does his weekly shop, phones to sort his docs appointments or his dentist appointments. Myself and brother sort out his phone contract and monitor his emails for him). He has alcohol delivered to his house by a local shop and I’m trying to find out which shop it is as I want to go in and demand they stop delivering it. I just think it’s disgusting and these people are taking the absolute piss and most likely laughing at my Dad as he pays them to consistently get drunk and feed his alcoholism.
It’s totally life ruining. I feel like I would given anything to have a normal father. Absolutely anything. Just for the peace. The worst of it all when he’s sober, he is brilliant. So so good for advice. He just can’t stay sober, or maybe he doesn’t want to. Heartbreaking cause clearly his family and their feelings mean zilch to him as this is all I ask and he can’t even do that.
On the other hand I’m so so worry about him dying lonely cause I wouldn’t want that for him. He has got people around who love him
The whole thing is such a headfuck.It’s took me some time to pluck up the courage to post here as I have people in my real life who know my user but don’t know the full details re: my dad, but duck it. I’m so sick of feeling stunted and embarrassed by all of this when it’s his actions, not mine.
I am sharing this from a post on another site but was encouraged to share on the alanon page, but had minimal response.
Not sure if this is a good place to try?
My relationship with my (ex ) partner has been mostly lovely.
There has been a couple of occasions where I’ve been concerned about his drinking and I previously ended the relationship over some quite extreme drunkenness but changed my mind as though it was my over reaction (I am also the adult child of an alcoholic parent).
He stopped drinking after that occasion and hasn’t drink for approx 8 months.
This weekend he was meeting and old friend who apparently prior to the meeting was hassling my partner to drink with him.
Later on he messaged me and made a point of saying he’d had one drink at the behest of said friend.
All his friends know about his drink problem and the majority of them were pleased to see he’d ’stopped’ drinking.
I was suspicious when I read ‘one drink’ as felt it was unnecessary specific detail.
My partner drove to mine from the meeting and when I saw him was slurring and had wet himself. I made him leave there and then and said I’d call the police unless he used a cab to get home.
He insisted he’d only had one drink but clearly he hadn’t. He hadn’t realised he was wet ( which he does every time he drinks ).
I have ended the relationship and a big part of it is because he lied but also because he was dui.
After his marriage ended he tried to take his life and has no recollection of this. It ended a few years ago but from things he’s said I’m not sure he’s really over it. It was a very long marriage.
Apart from a couple of incidents we were very happy together and I believed very much in love, with future plans.
I have kids and he has adult kids who have told me their childhoods were very much impacted by his drinking .
As times have progressed I’ve learned more about this from them and also from his friends and family that his drinking was a concern for them. Everyone keeps saying how. Happy they are he’s stopped drinking and he gets loads of praise but I felt he could have done a lot more than just abstain, everyone is different and I wanted to give him a chance and respect his decision to do it alone
I feel a fool for so many reasons but because of my past am also doubtful about my own behaviour and validity of my feelings.
Am I being too harsh or was I right to end things?
I’m so sad. But also feel a bit of a fool because I know of his history.
I don’t know why I’ve overlooked it really. I guess blind optimism. I’m also autistic so probably take people at face value a bit too much even though I have lifelong experience of addiction in my family, ex partners etc.
I don’t connect well with many people and am quite vulnerable to men and friends and spend a lot of time alone and lonely.
hes the first relationship I’ve ever had where I felt safe and secure and loved. He’s kind and gentle and loving and generous and we have so much in common. I believe he might be autistic too and may be why I have overlooked this thing.
i never knew him to drive drunk although I did suspect it once very early in our relationship
I lost a parent to alcohol related problems two years ago too. I can’t be with someone who drunk drives and I can’t have an alcoholic in the lives of my kids.
sense. I am so so sad . I knew he had been over confident in believing he could practice complete abstinence without doin the work but I chose to ’believe’ him whilst deep down knowing that it was highly improbable that he wouldn’t fall off the wagon at some point.
I just wanted our relationship and all of the good bits whilst deep down knowing I’d have to face his alcoholism again but hoping not.
yes as you say this is highly likely linked to my being an acoa and a huge familiarity because of that and me and xbf have known each other our whole lives so there was a sense of safety and security I never had before , operating on multiple levels.
A codependent dry drunk relationship?!
I don’t know how to move forward, it is extremely early days. I know how he operates and he will be practical and just get on with the next stage, hopefully getting help and support from his friends and family.
he has very close friends and family and I am very much alone apart from my children.
i have lots of friends but no close safe ones which is probably why I clung so hard to this one too
How do I move on from this need to check in he is ok? I am not ok and I know he will not be either. He has his family etc but ultimately it’s the end of what was in all essence a happy and loving relationship. I feel pain cutting it dead but also realise that anything else just keeps me in a feedback loop where I’m still codependent with him
Not sure if this is a good place to try?
My relationship with my (ex ) partner has been mostly lovely.
There has been a couple of occasions where I’ve been concerned about his drinking and I previously ended the relationship over some quite extreme drunkenness but changed my mind as though it was my over reaction (I am also the adult child of an alcoholic parent).
He stopped drinking after that occasion and hasn’t drink for approx 8 months.
This weekend he was meeting and old friend who apparently prior to the meeting was hassling my partner to drink with him.
Later on he messaged me and made a point of saying he’d had one drink at the behest of said friend.
All his friends know about his drink problem and the majority of them were pleased to see he’d ’stopped’ drinking.
I was suspicious when I read ‘one drink’ as felt it was unnecessary specific detail.
My partner drove to mine from the meeting and when I saw him was slurring and had wet himself. I made him leave there and then and said I’d call the police unless he used a cab to get home.
He insisted he’d only had one drink but clearly he hadn’t. He hadn’t realised he was wet ( which he does every time he drinks ).
I have ended the relationship and a big part of it is because he lied but also because he was dui.
After his marriage ended he tried to take his life and has no recollection of this. It ended a few years ago but from things he’s said I’m not sure he’s really over it. It was a very long marriage.
Apart from a couple of incidents we were very happy together and I believed very much in love, with future plans.
I have kids and he has adult kids who have told me their childhoods were very much impacted by his drinking .
As times have progressed I’ve learned more about this from them and also from his friends and family that his drinking was a concern for them. Everyone keeps saying how. Happy they are he’s stopped drinking and he gets loads of praise but I felt he could have done a lot more than just abstain, everyone is different and I wanted to give him a chance and respect his decision to do it alone
I feel a fool for so many reasons but because of my past am also doubtful about my own behaviour and validity of my feelings.
Am I being too harsh or was I right to end things?
I’m so sad. But also feel a bit of a fool because I know of his history.
I don’t know why I’ve overlooked it really. I guess blind optimism. I’m also autistic so probably take people at face value a bit too much even though I have lifelong experience of addiction in my family, ex partners etc.
I don’t connect well with many people and am quite vulnerable to men and friends and spend a lot of time alone and lonely.
hes the first relationship I’ve ever had where I felt safe and secure and loved. He’s kind and gentle and loving and generous and we have so much in common. I believe he might be autistic too and may be why I have overlooked this thing.
i never knew him to drive drunk although I did suspect it once very early in our relationship
I lost a parent to alcohol related problems two years ago too. I can’t be with someone who drunk drives and I can’t have an alcoholic in the lives of my kids.
sense. I am so so sad . I knew he had been over confident in believing he could practice complete abstinence without doin the work but I chose to ’believe’ him whilst deep down knowing that it was highly improbable that he wouldn’t fall off the wagon at some point.
I just wanted our relationship and all of the good bits whilst deep down knowing I’d have to face his alcoholism again but hoping not.
yes as you say this is highly likely linked to my being an acoa and a huge familiarity because of that and me and xbf have known each other our whole lives so there was a sense of safety and security I never had before , operating on multiple levels.
A codependent dry drunk relationship?!
I don’t know how to move forward, it is extremely early days. I know how he operates and he will be practical and just get on with the next stage, hopefully getting help and support from his friends and family.
he has very close friends and family and I am very much alone apart from my children.
i have lots of friends but no close safe ones which is probably why I clung so hard to this one too
How do I move on from this need to check in he is ok? I am not ok and I know he will not be either. He has his family etc but ultimately it’s the end of what was in all essence a happy and loving relationship. I feel pain cutting it dead but also realise that anything else just keeps me in a feedback loop where I’m still codependent with him
That’s so sad for you and (and him).
It sounds like you know you need to make a clean break but I understand how hard that will be. Sounds like you love him very much and he’s a good man who’s gone bad ways. Allow yourself time to grieve. You’re doing the right thing, you can’t save him but you can save yourself.
I think cutting contact is the right thing, you’re courageous and I bet you’re a fantastic mum x
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I don’t know how you move on, but you will, just think about one day at a time for now x
It sounds like you know you need to make a clean break but I understand how hard that will be. Sounds like you love him very much and he’s a good man who’s gone bad ways. Allow yourself time to grieve. You’re doing the right thing, you can’t save him but you can save yourself.
I think cutting contact is the right thing, you’re courageous and I bet you’re a fantastic mum x
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I don’t know how you move on, but you will, just think about one day at a time for now x
There is a real culture of “over drinking” in my family. And I mean all of them.
I hate it. I barely drink, I’m not tee total but can really take it or leave it.
I find it disgusting to be honest. And boring. My brother is a full blown alcoholic and my daughter drinks way too much. My ex could never stop when he started either.
I feel I’m surrounded by these people who can’t get a grip.
I’m sick to death of being the grown up?
awful things have happened to be and I’m not drinking myself to death?
it’s so hard to deal with
I hate it. I barely drink, I’m not tee total but can really take it or leave it.
I find it disgusting to be honest. And boring. My brother is a full blown alcoholic and my daughter drinks way too much. My ex could never stop when he started either.
I feel I’m surrounded by these people who can’t get a grip.
I’m sick to death of being the grown up?
awful things have happened to be and I’m not drinking myself to death?
it’s so hard to deal with
Hope your ok
it’s horrible isn’t it.. people just can’t see the damage alcohol causes not only to the drinker but those around them..I won’t go into it - it’s too longs of a story but I have a very cynical view of alcohol and the way it impacts peoples behaviour/state of mind/moods. Stay strong x
I'm 47 and I've been bought up around heavy drinking/alcoholism most of my life. All my mums siblings are/were heavy drinkers. With mum, it only seemed on occasions that she got drunk (and boy, the arguments, fights, DV, when that happened), but now she's retired thinks nothing of pouring a glass of wine at 1pm.
My stepfather was an alcoholic. To be fair he was generally laid back even when drunk. He died of a brain hemorrhage at 43. My sister is an alcoholic (nearly 9 yrs dry, although has swapped that addiction for a cannabis and controlled drug addiction). She lost everything including her children for a time and it still took her around 3 years to sort herself out. 3 cousins also had/have problems: One was given 3 months to live about 20 years ago, thankfully he has been dry now for nearly 18 yrs. Another died recently at 44 of a massive heart attack. And my youngest cousin has a drink and drug problem at 26 and is currently waiting on rehab.
And then there's my dad. He was never a big drinker until his 2nd wife left him when he was 50. But after that he drank 1 to 2 bottles of wine every day, plus beer at the pub 2 to 3 times a week, for the next 22 yrs. He died of liver cancer 18 mths ago. My son started drinking a lot during lockdown. He was working from home and hated it. At weekends he could get through 12-15 cans of Stella. He ballooned in weight and ended up having to take antidepressants. Thankfully a new job sorted him out. He still has the odd binge but nothing like during those 18mths during the pandemic.
I'm not teetotal by any stretch and I've struggled with binge drinking since a teenager, but it was when I noticed a deterioration in my MH if I drank more than 2 or 3 days in a row that I curbed myself. Yes, I'll still have a skinful if it's a good night, and don't get me started on afternoon drinking! Seeing the effects on my family also helped me understand the consequences.
And then after all that I met my partner who at the time was spiralling into alcoholism for reasons that are his alone. The reasons for taking a chance on him are very complex because of my MH and past traumas. He meets my needs in many ways because of his nature and understanding. Within weeks of seeing each other, he had curbed the drinking right down to levels which surprised me, and a year later he's never returned to his previous levels even if we've been out all weekend.
Sorry for the long post. I wasn't expecting to type out as much, but it's been quite cathartic in a way in a way, getting it all down on a an anonymous forum.
My stepfather was an alcoholic. To be fair he was generally laid back even when drunk. He died of a brain hemorrhage at 43. My sister is an alcoholic (nearly 9 yrs dry, although has swapped that addiction for a cannabis and controlled drug addiction). She lost everything including her children for a time and it still took her around 3 years to sort herself out. 3 cousins also had/have problems: One was given 3 months to live about 20 years ago, thankfully he has been dry now for nearly 18 yrs. Another died recently at 44 of a massive heart attack. And my youngest cousin has a drink and drug problem at 26 and is currently waiting on rehab.
And then there's my dad. He was never a big drinker until his 2nd wife left him when he was 50. But after that he drank 1 to 2 bottles of wine every day, plus beer at the pub 2 to 3 times a week, for the next 22 yrs. He died of liver cancer 18 mths ago. My son started drinking a lot during lockdown. He was working from home and hated it. At weekends he could get through 12-15 cans of Stella. He ballooned in weight and ended up having to take antidepressants. Thankfully a new job sorted him out. He still has the odd binge but nothing like during those 18mths during the pandemic.
I'm not teetotal by any stretch and I've struggled with binge drinking since a teenager, but it was when I noticed a deterioration in my MH if I drank more than 2 or 3 days in a row that I curbed myself. Yes, I'll still have a skinful if it's a good night, and don't get me started on afternoon drinking! Seeing the effects on my family also helped me understand the consequences.
And then after all that I met my partner who at the time was spiralling into alcoholism for reasons that are his alone. The reasons for taking a chance on him are very complex because of my MH and past traumas. He meets my needs in many ways because of his nature and understanding. Within weeks of seeing each other, he had curbed the drinking right down to levels which surprised me, and a year later he's never returned to his previous levels even if we've been out all weekend.
Sorry for the long post. I wasn't expecting to type out as much, but it's been quite cathartic in a way in a way, getting it all down on a an anonymous forum.
Hi everyone.
I've read the posts here with great interest - some of them make me want to weep.
I'm 32, and am a child of an alcoholic. I'm not joking when I say that growing up in an alcoholic household quite literally ruined my life. I still find it difficult to reflect on my childhood without getting very upset. When I think back to my childhood, I always remember feeling like an adult and never really 'being' a child. It is only today, when I see how *young* chlldren really are is that it really hits home for me. Myself and my siblings were constantly hypervigilent. Always monitoring things. Intervening when we had to. And... always waiting for something to go wrong.
My experiences in childhood greatly impacted my social skills. Weekends would be spent trying to find hidden alcohol and hide it, hide car keys, monitor the alcoholic parent in their movements. So so difficult. I have had major insomnia issues for most of my life which I link back to childhood nights spent awake, trying to ensure that the parent wasn't getting up to drink more.
Obviously this had severe impacts for me and my siblings. Rows between parents and suicide threats. All throughout primary and secondary school. Secrecy was obviously huge and I want to cry when I think of the challenges I experienced in going from behaving like an adult at the weekend to try transition back to being a child in school.
Like most of you, I could probably write a book about my experiences. Of all the horrible emotions in my childhood, the heaviest one I felt was shame. I still feel it in my bones to this day. Never ever feeling good enough. Crippingly low self esteem. I came upon photos of myself from uni years ago and I felt so upset. I can look back now and know that I was as good as everyone else at uni and deserved to socialise, have friends and enjoy myself. Unfortunately due to my mental health I spent most of my time in my room. I developed binge eating disorder as I was so used to suppressing my feelings. Food was my only 'friend.' This led to weight gain and lower self confidence. I was a real mess, struggling with basic things like hygiene and basic tasks like cleaning.
I have researched a lot about children of alcoholics and it has been nice to know that I'm not alone. Some researchers have outlined the 'roles' that children of alcoholics may assume. These are interesting- I am the 'lost child.'
Years later, I still feel ashamed. And angry. And I tell myself that that is okay. I did try therapy once but I felt the therapist tried to fob me off by only focusing on why my parent drank and focused entirely on trying to get me to feel emphathetic towards them. I do feel somewhat emphathetic but I refuse to feel guilty about feeling angry and ashamed about my upbringing. For the first time in my life I am telling myself that my feelings matter and don't need to be glossed over. Angry and negative emotions are normal.
Like most of you, I feel hugely sad and emotional when I consider how my upbringing in an alcoholic household impacted my life. It saddens me when I reflect on my teenage and uni years and remember how I felt, through no fault of my own. What I have found helpful is asking myself how I can now honour younger me who was completely lost and didn't have the tools to be her best life. For me, this looks like pushing myself to have a good career, ensuring that I have good hygiene and live in a clean and tidy space, and showing up for myself at all times... even when it feels impossible. Sending love to you all.
I've read the posts here with great interest - some of them make me want to weep.
I'm 32, and am a child of an alcoholic. I'm not joking when I say that growing up in an alcoholic household quite literally ruined my life. I still find it difficult to reflect on my childhood without getting very upset. When I think back to my childhood, I always remember feeling like an adult and never really 'being' a child. It is only today, when I see how *young* chlldren really are is that it really hits home for me. Myself and my siblings were constantly hypervigilent. Always monitoring things. Intervening when we had to. And... always waiting for something to go wrong.
My experiences in childhood greatly impacted my social skills. Weekends would be spent trying to find hidden alcohol and hide it, hide car keys, monitor the alcoholic parent in their movements. So so difficult. I have had major insomnia issues for most of my life which I link back to childhood nights spent awake, trying to ensure that the parent wasn't getting up to drink more.
Obviously this had severe impacts for me and my siblings. Rows between parents and suicide threats. All throughout primary and secondary school. Secrecy was obviously huge and I want to cry when I think of the challenges I experienced in going from behaving like an adult at the weekend to try transition back to being a child in school.
Like most of you, I could probably write a book about my experiences. Of all the horrible emotions in my childhood, the heaviest one I felt was shame. I still feel it in my bones to this day. Never ever feeling good enough. Crippingly low self esteem. I came upon photos of myself from uni years ago and I felt so upset. I can look back now and know that I was as good as everyone else at uni and deserved to socialise, have friends and enjoy myself. Unfortunately due to my mental health I spent most of my time in my room. I developed binge eating disorder as I was so used to suppressing my feelings. Food was my only 'friend.' This led to weight gain and lower self confidence. I was a real mess, struggling with basic things like hygiene and basic tasks like cleaning.
I have researched a lot about children of alcoholics and it has been nice to know that I'm not alone. Some researchers have outlined the 'roles' that children of alcoholics may assume. These are interesting- I am the 'lost child.'
Years later, I still feel ashamed. And angry. And I tell myself that that is okay. I did try therapy once but I felt the therapist tried to fob me off by only focusing on why my parent drank and focused entirely on trying to get me to feel emphathetic towards them. I do feel somewhat emphathetic but I refuse to feel guilty about feeling angry and ashamed about my upbringing. For the first time in my life I am telling myself that my feelings matter and don't need to be glossed over. Angry and negative emotions are normal.
Like most of you, I feel hugely sad and emotional when I consider how my upbringing in an alcoholic household impacted my life. It saddens me when I reflect on my teenage and uni years and remember how I felt, through no fault of my own. What I have found helpful is asking myself how I can now honour younger me who was completely lost and didn't have the tools to be her best life. For me, this looks like pushing myself to have a good career, ensuring that I have good hygiene and live in a clean and tidy space, and showing up for myself at all times... even when it feels impossible. Sending love to you all.