Alcoholism

[37BBL]

I can really relate to this, I’ve read through the thread and your experience of your alcoholic sister sounds so very similar to mine, and i would also have the same suspicions as you about whether she is drinking again

myself and my sister were only a year apart in age, we grew up as best friends, we done everything together and were very close when we were younger, I’m using the past tense now as she unfortunately died at the age of 30 from years of extreme alcohol abuse

I remember the numerous hospital admissions for withdrawal seizures or because she was basically unconscious from binging, the alcohol induced hallucinations, the drunken ranting phone calls in the middle of the night then having no memory of it the next day, the rehab stays which she ran away from after only a couple of days saying she didn’t want any help, one particular occasion she ran away from rehab with a heroin addict and shacked up with him, so yeah that was lovely for all the family: relieved at finally getting her into rehab and her saying she really wanted stop drinking to get a phone call after two days to say she had ran away with a heroin addict...

her life was an absolute train wreck towards the end, she was in terrible condition and had all the symptoms of liver failure, my mums nerves were shredded to pieces and her heart was broken, and it was me who had to break the awful news to her after finding her dead

I can understand the feelings of just not being bothered anymore, at some point you just have to start protecting your own heart and mental health by emotionally distancing yourself, I went through a really bad couple of years were my nerves were in pieces, I constantly felt ill and couldn’t eat, dreaded the phone ringing, dreading even asking family if they had heard from her, couldn’t focus at work, eventually I had to stop thinking about her problems and start focusing on building my own life, especially as I had tried to help her so many times and had it thrown back in my face

reading through this thread has bought back some terrible memories and reading how some of you have been affected by an alcohol parent absolutely breaks my heart, your parents are the people who are meant to love you and protect you and put your welfare above and beyond anything else, I’m sorry some of you on here did not get that from your mother/father, I hope you can all find some level of peace and healing

Wow, such a similar experience. This has bought tears to my eyes, she is back on it; if you see my latest post above. She had a short lived relationship with an addict too, the break up has seemed to have set her off on a downward spiral.

She has done some truly inexcusable things which I wouldn't even want to repeat on here. I totally relate to the not eating, not being focused and dreading the phone calls. Messages from her old aquantancies that she was in a mess again. The thought that people may tar me with that brush. The fear of seeing her and not knowing whether she was under the influence, over analysing if she laughed or smiled whether it was genuine or drink related. Peering into her bag to see if there was a bottle in there.

I saw her in a bad way once, a black eye which we had no idea how she got, collapsed on the floor. I had to drag her into my car and throw her into her hallway so that my mum didn't have to call the Police.

This sounds horrendously selfish but I really hope that if she is deciding to take this path again, that she just disappears. My parents carry her, and i don't want that burden when they are no longer here xxx

 

[babbling brook]

I've started listening to a podcast called Hooked. It's on BBC and hosted by two recovering addicts. It's really interesting to hear their experiences and perspectives.

I posted about my husband a while ago. I am cautiously optimistic that he is getting to the point of changing. He knows he can't go on drinking like this (he has told me he knows he drinks too much) but at the same time he has to be the one to make the change and realise for himself that he needs to, and deserves to be, healthier. I find that one of the most frustrating aspects of it. I can nag (horrible word, but feels accurate) him all I want, but he has to be the one who decides to improve his life. I keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for his choices and it makes me feel better.

 

[Death2unicorns]

Wow, such a similar experience. This has bought tears to my eyes, she is back on it; if you see my latest post above. She had a short lived relationship with an addict too, the break up has seemed to have set her off on a downward spiral.

She has done some truly inexcusable things which I wouldn't even want to repeat on here. I totally relate to the not eating, not being focused and dreading the phone calls. Messages from her old aquantancies that she was in a mess again. The thought that people may tar me with that brush. The fear of seeing her and not knowing whether she was under the influence, over analysing if she laughed or smiled whether it was genuine or drink related. Peering into her bag to see if there was a bottle in there.

I saw her in a bad way once, a black eye which we had no idea how she got, collapsed on the floor. I had to drag her into my car and throw her into her hallway so that my mum didn't have to call the Police.

This sounds horrendously selfish but I really hope that if she is deciding to take this path again, that she just disappears. My parents carry her, and i don't want that burden when they are no longer here xxx

Yes! Again I really relate to all of this, our experience really has been very similar, I felt deeply ashamed of her issues, even now I hate when I bump into people from our past and they ask me how she died, people are of course very curious about it as she was only 30, I just never know what to say and don’t particularly want to discuss it with people, there have been some really awkward moments when I’ve bumped into old friends of ours and they’ve said “oh how’s your xxxx (sister)” I hate meeting new people and them asking me if I have brothers or sisters, I just completely leave her out of the equation now and say no, I feel a deep sense of sadness about the way her life turned out but a part of me also felt relieved that it was finally over, I think I had not long let go of any lingering hopes that she could turn her life around, it’s my mum, and her child who I feel awful for, not myself, I didn’t really grieve for very long as I was just so done with it all

Nobody would blame you for not taking on the responsibility of her if your parents weren’t around anymore, you have to protect yourself - she can’t be allowed to destroy your life aswell xx

 

[37BBL]

Yes! Again I really relate to all of this, our experience really has been very similar, I felt deeply ashamed of her issues, even now I hate when I bump into people from our past and they ask me how she died, people are of course very curious about it as she was only 30, I just never know what to say and don’t particularly want to discuss it with people, there have been some really awkward moments when I’ve bumped into old friends of ours and they’ve said “oh how’s your xxxx (sister)” I hate meeting new people and them asking me if I have brothers or sisters, I just completely leave her out of the equation now and say no, I feel a deep sense of sadness about the way her life turned out but a part of me also felt relieved that it was finally over, I think I had not long let go of any lingering hopes that she could turn her life around, it’s my mum, and her child who I feel awful for, not myself, I didn’t really grieve for very long as I was just so done with it all

Nobody would blame you for not taking on the responsibility of her if your parents weren’t around anymore, you have to protect yourself - she can’t be allowed to destroy your life aswell xx

This is exactly how I feel. If she was to drink herself to her death, i don't feel i would grieve. I would be heartbroken for my parents and her children, but for me; we haven't been sisters for about 3 years now. I mentioned the fact that I didnt drink much to someone the other week, when they asked why I just said I wasn't a fan. I'm too embarrassed to explain about her and how she has made my view on it change.

I feel like I would be relieved if she did end it all. Like my family would have some closure. I feel like if she continues like this it really will not be long.

I hope I haven't triggered any of your old feelings. Its really helped me knowing someone else has been through something which is really similar. X

I've started listening to a podcast called Hooked. It's on BBC and hosted by two recovering addicts. It's really interesting to hear their experiences and perspectives.

I posted about my husband a while ago. I am cautiously optimistic that he is getting to the point of changing. He knows he can't go on drinking like this (he has told me he knows he drinks too much) but at the same time he has to be the one to make the change and realise for himself that he needs to, and deserves to be, healthier. I find that one of the most frustrating aspects of it. I can nag (horrible word, but feels accurate) him all I want, but he has to be the one who decides to improve his life. I keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for his choices and it makes me feel better.

It is definitely his responsibility. He is a grown man and makes his own choices and if he decides to continue the way he is, that's not your fault at all xxx

 

[Coconut834]

My husband is a functioning alcoholic, in complete denial. It’s awful. He tells me I’m exaggerating, making the narrative fit my own aims and he’s fine
He drinks minimum 300ml-500ml vodka daily, often more. Mixes drinks. Won’t see any issue with this as holds a very successful job. Feel like no one will ever believe me. Most of time he is fine, drunk but ok but every so often argumentative, horrible and let’s be honest abusive
I feel I’m on a constant merry go round and the worst part is I even doubt myself, am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Is it me.

I am utterly trapped and it feels like a prison sentence. He really is Jekyll and Hyde

 

[Dogtanian]

500ml of Vodka is around 20 units of alcohol. If he is doing this 7 days a week then that's 140 units a week. I don't think you ought to be doubting yourself that he is an alcoholic.

 

[babbling brook]

My husband is a functioning alcoholic, in complete denial. It’s awful. He tells me I’m exaggerating, making the narrative fit my own aims and he’s fine
He drinks minimum 300ml-500ml vodka daily, often more. Mixes drinks. Won’t see any issue with this as holds a very successful job. Feel like no one will ever believe me. Most of time he is fine, drunk but ok but every so often argumentative, horrible and let’s be honest abusive
I feel I’m on a constant merry go round and the worst part is I even doubt myself, am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Is it me.

I am utterly trapped and it feels like a prison sentence. He really is Jekyll and Hyde

You're not exaggerating it if he is drinking that much. My husband sounds similar in terms of how much and how often he was drinking. It is so frustrating. I really feel for you and know how worried you must be.

I've done a lot of reading online about coping with an alcoholic and everywhere says you have to protect yourself. I did CBT to learn strategies to deal with my reactions to him and it has helped. You can't control your husband but you can control you. One thing that helped me was removing myself from the situation. I go to bed early and watch tv or read, and let him get on with it. I'm not sure if that is the best way of dealing with it, but it's what has worked for me. I didn't have to experience the slurring and obnoxious behaviour if I wasn't in the room. It also meant he couldn't misinterpret anything I said or did as me judging him. His drinking is less frequent now but I still do this when I can see he is having one of those nights.

Abusive behaviour is a different story. You shouldn't have to put up with that.

Edited to add that I once read if it's enough of a problem to make you question it, then it's a problem. It's not in your head.

 

[leapricot]

didn't have the constant worry that every time my phone rang it would be my parents saying something had happened.

I am living the same situation with my dad. I am in the UK and he lives in France with my nan (he lost his company, divorced from my mom years ago and he never recovered from either). I am always in the fear that, when my nan calls me, it would be to tell me something has happened.
He is in total denial and I feel so helpless living so far, but I also know that living close would not change a thing.
My aunt has put a lot on my shoulders saying that if I don't come back more often, my dad would be dead soon and that I should give up my life in the UK to come back and take care of him for a few years and go back to the UK when he feels fully better. Obviously loads of BS.

We have been in touch with a charity helping people with alcoholism. I am going back there in a few days and we are setting up a sort of intervention where we would tell him our worries and concerns and the charity lady will try and convince him to go in rehab. Because he cannot help himself anymore, he is too far gone in the alcoholism. So this is the only alternative we have.

It is a very frustrating disease for relatives and friends and I really hope everyone who are going through that with a family member or friend are coping well

 

[Definitelyme]

Hi everyone.

just found this thread and it’s always really comforting when you find people living the same reality as yourself.

My mum is an alcoholic, and I can really relate to a lot of the stories that have been told here. The biggest one for me was a few people saying their person never says sorry. My mum NEVER says sorry. I believe one of the steps of AA is apologising to those you’ve hurt? Well despite the fact that she’s been an AA member for years and supposedly completed the steps at least once.... never bee apologised to. She completely refuses to accept responsibility for her actions and drinking.

I believe she is currently sober. But I’ll never let myself truly believe it, if that makes sense? She appears to currently be sober anyway. But she’s fooled us in the past, so we had to step back from her to protect ourselves. I never fully trust her, and never will.

Sending love to all who are friends or family of an alcoholic. It is exhausting, and can be all consuming.

 

[leapricot]

Hi guys

My dad was a functioning alcoholic until I was around 14/15 when he became... unfunctioning? I’m not sure of the term. I haven’t lived with him since I was 16. I’m now in my final year of university (21) and he has relapsed really terribly after being in rehab for the first time. I had been really positive, visiting him loads, doing anything for him. Now I feel more helpless than ever.

The situations he is getting into are scarier and scarier. You all will know the jist but bad hallucinations/terrible forgetfulness/blacking out for days even when sober. Last month he phoned my mum in the early morning saying he had gotten into a fight and lifted by the police. We still don’t know if he hallucinated this or not as our local station had no info but his hands were all scraped. So terrifying as my dad has never in a million years lifted his hand to anyone and I never thought I’d see the day he could. Feels like the beginning of the end and that I am just waiting for the final call.

I know realistically it’s only him that can help himself but I still feel so guilty that I can’t help him. Just completely hopeless at this point - sorry to bring the mood down lol. Now I am just looking for people to chat to about our similar experiences because none of my friends understand and I don’t want to burden them with these crazy situations. My brother and I don’t like to speak to each other about it and if we do we end up just moody and depressed.

Hey Northernspaces,

I could have written this message myself. My dad is getting so forgetful, it's getting worrying.
I cannot help feeling guilty but is there anything we can do? I don't think so. He lives with my nan (she's 80 and cares for my uncle with Down Syndrome too) and she has just had enough. She was under so much stress and fatigue last year (after many years) that she has had to have a pacemaker put for her heart as it couldn't cope with the stress. And it's not getting any better...

I feel for you and if you want to talk, i am here for you xxx

 

[Annie101]

My husband is a functioning alcoholic, in complete denial. It’s awful. He tells me I’m exaggerating, making the narrative fit my own aims and he’s fine
He drinks minimum 300ml-500ml vodka daily, often more. Mixes drinks. Won’t see any issue with this as holds a very successful job. Feel like no one will ever believe me. Most of time he is fine, drunk but ok but every so often argumentative, horrible and let’s be honest abusive
I feel I’m on a constant merry go round and the worst part is I even doubt myself, am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Is it me.

I am utterly trapped and it feels like a prison sentence. He really is Jekyll and Hyde

He will make you feel like the crazy one, it is part of the disease. It took me a very long time to realize it is not me. Realize that you are powerless over it and that you need to take care of yourself. The verbal and mental abuse being with an alcoholic is one of most horrible experiences in life. I am glad you acknowledge it for what it is, never make excuses for him. Thinking of you and lots of hugs

 

[northernspaces]

Hey Northernspaces,

I could have written this message myself. My dad is getting so forgetful, it's getting worrying.
I cannot help feeling guilty but is there anything we can do? I don't think so. He lives with my nan (she's 80 and cares for my uncle with Down Syndrome too) and she has just had enough. She was under so much stress and fatigue last year (after many years) that she has had to have a pacemaker put for her heart as it couldn't cope with the stress. And it's not getting any better...

I feel for you and if you want to talk, i am here for you xxx

It’s such a comfort to know that there is people who understand this too. Sometimes I get in such a rut thinking about how I maybe don’t ‘help’ him enough, speak to him enough etc. But what can I do? We’re the children in the relationship and they are supposed to be the parent and yet it is always on us to contact them or try to help. And it feels like a slap in the face when I hear what his ‘reasons’ are for being an alcoholic because it is petty things like not having gotten enough attention from his dad when he was younger or being in love with a girl who he never married Like.... what do they think they are doing to us, trauma wise???? Having an alcoholic parent is really one of the worst things that can happen to a person and it amazes me how they always internalise their pity instead of thinking for one second about how it affects people around them.

 

[Gembo]

One of the things that is so hard about alcoholism is the balance between knowing that your loved one must be suffering in some way and the desperate need to help them but the need to protect yourself from the abuse and the emotional toll of it all. There is the school of thought in general that if you really love someone you never turn your back on them no matter what and that can lead to a lot of guilt in the families of alcoholics, I know I struggle with it. But when you’re being screamed at, sometimes abused it’s hard to do anything but try to protect yourself. It’s often the case that the family members can go on to suffer depression, anxiety, even have panic attacks and breakdowns. Its an awful thing to experience.

 

[Mayday]

A grandparent of mine was an alcoholic. I was say he was a 'functioning' one until I got a bit older, and then it spiralled out of control (as in, he wouldn't eat at all most days and would survive off alcohol). He eventually died from liver failure when I was a teen as he wouldn't get help (I think part of it was being a man and part of it a generational thing, so he'd try to stop for a bit on his own and have hallucinations, then be back on it after a week)

I would say coping mechanisms...definitely distance yourself if you feel thats best for you. I didn't see him as much towards the end and feel guilty about it, but it was the right decisions for me.

Unfortunately, I think its one of those things where the person affected has to want to get help - you can't make them. You can offer support or suggestions for alcoholics anonymous meetings (or online support groups/counselling, as I think thats on offer at the moment for free), finding something else to fill their time/that void (whether thats exercise, being creative, volunteering etc) and making them realise that recovery might not be linear, but it doesn't mean they've failed.

 

[Justhereforthebants]

My mum has had issues with alcohol for years but over the past 6 months she has made herself so unwell a few times. She tells me she can’t stop being sick, has pains in her legs, can’t sleep, hallucinations. She actually thought she was going to die one day. Anyway, she seems to be able to stop drinking on her own terms and will be totally sober for around 4 weeks. After that the alcohol slowly creeps back in again and before we know it she’s making herself ill again. I’ve told her sober that I think she needs help with staying off it long term, she manages for a few weeks then just goes back the way. Does anyone else’s relatives do this too? I find it so frustrating because I always think surely she must enjoy her life sober, she’s always busy, such a nice person and then when she drinks she literally never leaves the house.

 

[Definitelyme]

My mum has had issues with alcohol for years but over the past 6 months she has made herself so unwell a few times. She tells me she can’t stop being sick, has pains in her legs, can’t sleep, hallucinations. She actually thought she was going to die one day. Anyway, she seems to be able to stop drinking on her own terms and will be totally sober for around 4 weeks. After that the alcohol slowly creeps back in again and before we know it she’s making herself ill again. I’ve told her sober that I think she needs help with staying off it long term, she manages for a few weeks then just goes back the way. Does anyone else’s relatives do this too? I find it so frustrating because I always think surely she must enjoy her life sober, she’s always busy, such a nice person and then when she drinks she literally never leaves the house.

My mum seemed to do something similar for a while as well. She’d say she was stopping, making a real effort. Then you’d find empty wine bottles stashed everywhere weeks later.

I find the lies the hardest to deal with. The bare faced lying right to my face, and the lying by omission. How can you ever trust that they are really staying sober if they’ve lied about it so many times before?

One of the things that is so hard about alcoholism is the balance between knowing that your loved one must be suffering in some way and the desperate need to help them but the need to protect yourself from the abuse and the emotional toll of it all. There is the school of thought in general that if you really love someone you never turn your back on them no matter what and that can lead to a lot of guilt in the families of alcoholics, I know I struggle with it. But when you’re being screamed at, sometimes abused it’s hard to do anything but try to protect yourself. It’s often the case that the family members can go on to suffer depression, anxiety, even have panic attacks and breakdowns. Its an awful thing to experience.

This is hard for me. I feel a real pull between knowing alcoholism is a disease, not a choice, and therefore needing to help as much as possible... but also needing to protect myself and my own mental health from the lies and the behaviour that accompany the drinking. I always think if she were diagnosed with cancer I would support her without question and I should be able to do the same with alcoholism. But the negative effect it has on me means I have to step back so I am in a good space for taking care of my own kids.

Out of interest, how many people with an alcoholic parent don’t drink? I never touch the stuff, whereas my siblings are “normal” drinkers (a few glasses of xyz a few times a month).

 

[Coconut834]

Thanks all
It’s so sad we all have this shared experience
How can I help someone that won’t even help themselves is the perpetual question.
if he was falling around drunk or abusive all the time I would know I needed to leave but often I think no one would notice he was drunkeven when he is
It makes me such a horrible person, sometimes I think I wish he’d just die. I don’t know how I can even think that- it’s awful but that’s how it makes me feel sometimes
I’ve never said that to anyone before, I’m so glad I found this thread.
so much for tattle being this horrible place hey!

 

[Definitelyme]

Thanks all
It’s so sad we all have this shared experience
How can I help someone that won’t even help themselves is the perpetual question.
if he was falling around drunk or abusive all the time I would know I needed to leave but often I think no one would notice he was drunkeven when he is
It makes me such a horrible person, sometimes I think I wish he’d just die. I don’t know how I can even think that- it’s awful but that’s how it makes me feel sometimes
I’ve never said that to anyone before, I’m so glad I found this thread.
so much for tattle being this horrible place hey!

Do not feel horrible at all, you are not alone. Sometimes I’ve thought that the only way out for me, the only way it won’t be weighing in my mind and affecting my mental health, is when my mum dies. And that it’ll even bit somewhat of a relief when she does, so that it’s finally all over.

 

[northernspaces]

My mum seemed to do something similar for a while as well. She’d say she was stopping, making a real effort. Then you’d find empty wine bottles stashed everywhere weeks later.

I find the lies the hardest to deal with. The bare faced lying right to my face, and the lying by omission. How can you ever trust that they are really staying sober if they’ve lied about it so many times before?




This is hard for me. I feel a real pull between knowing alcoholism is a disease, not a choice, and therefore needing to help as much as possible... but also needing to protect myself and my own mental health from the lies and the behaviour that accompany the drinking. I always think if she were diagnosed with cancer I would support her without question and I should be able to do the same with alcoholism. But the negative effect it has on me means I have to step back so I am in a good space for taking care of my own kids.

Out of interest, how many people with an alcoholic parent don’t drink? I never touch the stuff, whereas my siblings are “normal” drinkers (a few glasses of xyz a few times a month).

It is maybe because of my age but I went through a period of heavy binge drinking when I left home to go to uni and I still do occasionally. Trying to stop.

My mum on the other hand grew up being abused by an alcoholic relative and so she has only been drunk once in her life. I think it affects everyones relationship with their own drinking differently but it’s usually one extreme or the other.

 

[Gembo]

I generally feel my relationship with alcohol is ok. I did binge drink in my late teens early 20’s on nights out, nothing that I was ever worried about. Generally speaking now I only drink a couple of times a year like for a birthday or Christmas but can mostly take it or leave it. However I’ve struggled in lockdown and have drunk a lot more than I usually would, I pretty much never drink at home in usual circumstances, but I have drunk as a way to numb myself the last couple of months. I’m totally aware that this is not a good thing and I’m making a massive effort to stop. So probably to sum up I’ve always had a healthy/normal relationship with alcohol until recently but I’m getting back on top of that. I do worry long term though, I think the risk is there so I will have to be very careful.