$4000 to do a deck looks like she has been scammed.
Tell her you will try to help, but she has to let you take over all her finances, you pay her bills and debts off (by arrangements not with your money) and she has what's left over to spend.
that's if you want to help. if not then just don't
Definitely a case of being scammed! We have these problems in my country where people go around in groups, knocking on doors offering to do odd jobs for people (mainly elderly), who then get sucked in big time.
We have tried to help her with her finances - we sat down with her a couple of years ago in an effort to work out a budget - but she spat the dummy when we told her she'd have to give up her very expensive subscription TV service and cut down on all the store-bought coffees. She actually got really nasty about it.
I actually had a falling out with a friend over this ... my friend made it quite clear that she thinks that my husband and I should be paying my mother a "bonus" of sorts to supplement her pension! Um, what?? My mother NEVER helped me when I was young - I slept in my car for a week at one point because I was between flats and she wouldn't let me stay at her house for a few days. And she has always tried to ruin things for me - relationships, jobs (turning up out of the blue, wanting to speak to me ...). Ugh!!!
When you say you help her out with grocery shopping and getting her car fixed - are you physically present when these things are being paid for? Or are you giving her money to pay for things?
Have you actually seen that her deck has been professionally cleaned? Does she have contact details for the guy that did it? How is he wanting to be paid?
I wouldn’t be handing over a penny to her - I think she’s taking advantage of you massively.
I've put through online shopping orders myself, and have paid the mechanic directly - I would never, ever trust her with cash.
Even then, I've heard how she's gifted things from the shopping to others - e.g., she gave a packet of chocolate biscuits to my cousin because she said she really liked them but couldn't afford them. (I have an aunt who tells me all these things).
I haven't seen the deck, and there is no way that I would even want to get in contact with these scam artists to find out what they did and how they expect to be paid.
My mother has a habit of trying to create drama at every opportunity, especially when other people are celebrating things or getting excited about things ... she just has to be the centre of attention all the time.
For my birthday she gave me cash, which I gave back to her and said I didn't want it - that I'd rather she used it for her own bills. I found out later that she spent it on lottery tickets and plants for her garden!
I had a call from my uncle last night who wanted to know what "we" could do to help her. He said that he understood we're very poor ("I can't help you - we don't have $4k lying around" = destitute in her eyes), but maybe we could get a mortgage top-up? The absolute cheek of it ... this is a man who owns a huge portfolio of investment properties and before Covid would spend NZ winters in Europe!