What is your biggest regret?

[MissMissMissy]

This is such an emotional thread... sending a lotta love out to all you who need it.

For me there’s just a few

not pushing for more mental health support as a teenager

not having the ability to wait a little bit before Uni as I was a very young immature 16 year old so choosing a degree and location at that age was mad.

Getting married to the father of my two kids. We already had the kids. We weren’t right. We didn’t need the big £30k wedding that my family paid for.... but they pushed us to do it believing it was what we wanted and what we should have done... we really shouldn’t and the divorce a few years later was painful. Hearing my Mum say that I should have tried for longer because of how much the wedding cost really bothered me. Like I should have been suicidal and miserable and failing as a mother and a person for a few more years so that it was less embarrassing for her... duck me.

I regret one or two friendships too. Getting over the end of a BEST friend was harder than my marriage break up. I still struggle with it. Getting stabbed in the back by someone who knows every piece of you is horrendous.
I got a criminal record when I was 18... such a stupid thing and I absolutely deserved it because I was wrong and stupid... but I should have known better. That small mistake is something I’m less shamed of now, unless I’m applying for a job in education (which is where I work) and I have to declare it, just makes me feel so so small. I was such an idiot.

Wish I hadn’t put my baby in full time childcare at 5 months old to return to work because everyone was telling me it was the right thing to do...


I wish I’d had CBT and much more therapy when I was younger. When I turned 30 and found myself a therapist it changed my life for the better.

 

[tskiry56]

This is such an emotional thread... sending a lotta love out to all you who need it.

For me there’s just a few

not pushing for more mental health support as a teenager

not having the ability to wait a little bit before Uni as I was a very young immature 16 year old so choosing a degree and location at that age was mad.

Getting married to the father of my two kids. We already had the kids. We weren’t right. We didn’t need the big £30k wedding that my family paid for.... but they pushed us to do it believing it was what we wanted and what we should have done... we really shouldn’t and the divorce a few years later was painful. Hearing my Mum say that I should have tried for longer because of how much the wedding cost really bothered me. Like I should have been suicidal and miserable and failing as a mother and a person for a few more years so that it was less embarrassing for her... duck me.

I regret one or two friendships too. Getting over the end of a BEST friend was harder than my marriage break up. I still struggle with it. Getting stabbed in the back by someone who knows every piece of you is horrendous.
I got a criminal record when I was 18... such a stupid thing and I absolutely deserved it because I was wrong and stupid... but I should have known better. That small mistake is something I’m less shamed of now, unless I’m applying for a job in education (which is where I work) and I have to declare it, just makes me feel so so small. I was such an idiot.

Wish I hadn’t put my baby in full time childcare at 5 months old to return to work because everyone was telling me it was the right thing to do...


I wish I’d had CBT and much more therapy when I was younger. When I turned 30 and found myself a therapist it changed my life for the better.

I also went back to work fulltime when my son was nearly 5 months out... I feel like I missed out on so much and have no real memories of his first year of life. ( I think my mind blocked out so much because I was in an unhappy relationship)
I'll always regret that and always think if I'm not lucky enough to have another child I'll never have positive memories.

 

[Belulah]

Mine is not having the physical energy to read a book or even watch shows I like. It comes from a dark period in my life where I felt so sad and so low I just slept and slept. Now I’m a million times better but I never, ever have any energy. We are a one parent family and I do work full time, and am learning to drive but I could easily do more. I could lean over and get my book but I can’t. And I have spent years beating myself up over it. I could have read a hundred books by now but instead I doze all evening and feel terrible.

 

[birdiefly246]

Mine is not having the physical energy to read a book or even watch shows I like. It comes from a dark period in my life where I felt so sad and so low I just slept and slept. Now I’m a million times better but I never, ever have any energy. We are a one parent family and I do work full time, and am learning to drive but I could easily do more. I could lean over and get my book but I can’t. And I have spent years beating myself up over it. I could have read a hundred books by now but instead I doze all evening and feel terrible.

don't beat yourself up about it! You're dealing with a lot especially at the minute and the books will still be there when you've got less on your plate and therefore more energy

 

[Bobbleowl90]

I have a few regrets but then part of me thinks that without those decisions, I wouldn’t have the life I have now with my fiancé and baby.

I regret being so timid when I was younger and putting up with years of endless bullying from my so called friends because I was too shy to leave them and make new friends. This lasted over 10 years and it wasn’t until I met my partner than I realised and cut ties. They all hate me now But the feeling is mutual and I’m happier without.

I also regret not sticking it out at my original uni. I hated living away from home and moved back to go to a uni closer to home. I wish I’d have had that uni experience now but again, on the other hand, my mum died not long after I started my new course and if I moved away I wouldn’t have spent her last moments with her.

I also regret my degree. I wish I’d have done something totally different and I’d love to go back now but I can’t afford.

But I’m also a person who regrets that last bit of chocolate or buying a dress

 

[Allthevest20]

I regret my degree. I decided it on a whim one July as realised I should get a career and 2 months later I started. Yes it's a degree that guarantees employment but the employment options are limited as I can't really use it for much else, and now I'm trapped as I lost my Mum a few months after passing and then had to get a house etc of my own which I have to pay for obviously....and I'm very unhappy in the career but I can't leave as I cannot lose my home again Scouring indeed is hugely debilitating aswell!

I'm glad I never moved out before I was forced to as meant that I got to spend my whole life living with my Mum

 

[idk2]

- Not learning my parents mother tongue at a younger age. One set of grandparents don't speak English and as I've gotten older, I've come to cherish our conversations but its very tedious to have someone translating for us (I understand perfectly but I can only speak broken). Learning now so hopefully that'll do wonders.

- Regret not studying further sooner. Going back to uni in September to qualify and its been a long time coming. I've essentially been doing a teacher's job without the money for 2 years, albeit for 1:1 children not classes of 30!

- Saving more money. I came in to a decent inheritance at 18 and although I started off with good intentions of saving but I haven't saved much since. I've been stagnant on the same figure since leaving uni and have become complacent that I have this money instead of adding to it.

- I started writing a book at 14 (Thanks Wattpad!) and I found it when transferring my files on my laptop last week. I was actually impressed with myself. 10 years later and I wish I had carried it on but I simply don't have the imagination or motivation for it anymore.

 

[Milehammer]

I wish I hadn't had my son. He was planned and I was excited while pregnant (mostly). He was born prematurely and I wasn't prepared.
I didn't bond with him when he was newborn and now he's 13 months I love him and take care of him but don't experience that intense love that other mums talk about. Most days I find myself wishing I hadn't had him so I could do what I wanted. So selfish I know. I don't think I'm a mumsy person, I don't have any patience and I find it all so boring.

Sorry for oversharing but I haven't actually told another human any of this.

 

[Likkleone]

Another one... Over the years I've drifted apart from friends, I know this happens but when I look at all these friends they are all still so close to others who we were friends with too. It's the case with most of the different groups, I've obviously come to realise it must be me I don't know what I do wrong, I wish I knew what it was

Please don’t feel like it’s you. It’s not.

we all have different ways of forming and maintaining relationships. I’ve lost a lot of friends due to being in a relationship. Sometimes it’s too hard to keep several plates spinning in terms of dedicating enough time for everyone. Perhaps they’re a bit like me! It’s never too late to reconnect either! I’ve reconnected with my best friend from school after not speaking for almost 3 years and our conversation flowed as if we had only seen each other yesterday! x

 

[Bitofthebubbly]

I wish I’d carried on playing football instead of giving it up when I was 16. I wasn’t even that good, but it was so dear to my heart throughout my teens, I truly loved it and was passionate. Not felt like that about a hobby since then. It was the one thing I would look forward to every week, I took it seriously but not so much so despite all the challenges I had with it, then one day I just decided I wasn’t going to carry on anymore. I feel if I’d have carried it on it would have helped me maintain some sense of self confidence which seems to have all but disappeared these days after having kids and general life. This one is probably my biggest one yet if I’m honest but seems quite small I comparison to others.

 

[Likkleone]

I wish I hadn't had my son. He was planned and I was excited while pregnant (mostly). He was born prematurely and I wasn't prepared.
I didn't bond with him when he was newborn and now he's 13 months I love him and take care of him but don't experience that intense love that other mums talk about. Most days I find myself wishing I hadn't had him so I could do what I wanted. So selfish I know. I don't think I'm a mumsy person, I don't have any patience and I find it all so boring.

Sorry for oversharing but I haven't actually told another human any of this.

this must be really really hard. I can’t say I can understand how you feel as I’m not a mother but I know that must be painful. Have you thought about therapy to talk this through with someone? Perhaps there’s an underlying thought pattern or maybe this is a side effect of something else. What I do know is you are still you regardless of being a mother. You can want to do different things and have bigger aspirations for yourself and you should never feel guilty for that.

stay strong x

 

[tskiry56]

I wish I hadn't had my son. He was planned and I was excited while pregnant (mostly). He was born prematurely and I wasn't prepared.
I didn't bond with him when he was newborn and now he's 13 months I love him and take care of him but don't experience that intense love that other mums talk about. Most days I find myself wishing I hadn't had him so I could do what I wanted. So selfish I know. I don't think I'm a mumsy person, I don't have any patience and I find it all so boring.

Sorry for oversharing but I haven't actually told another human any of this.

I don't think you are selfish I think you went through a very traumatic experience after having your son early. It wasnt the birth you planned or imagined.
I know you say you haven't told anyone but you may have PTSD.
It's not until you go through such an emotional experience that the trauma can hit you later when life sees like its moving on.
I would speak to your GP and hopefully they can help you.
Edited to add - My parents had me and my sister 11 weeks early back in the late 80's and honestly anyone who can go through such a rollercoaster ride deserves a medal

Also I was 'diagnosed' with PTSD last year after leaving an abusive relationship 2 years prior. I thought at the time PTSD was only something soldiers used to have after going to war. But I think it's because I didnt acknowledge what happened to me I wanted to forget it all. I kept everything hidden for so long and didnt talk about how I felt.

Telling people and getting the support will be like a weight has lifted off your shoulders.

 

[ClemLikeFlem]

Getting married at 21, still being married now, 7 years later but absolutely miserable.
Not following my dreams.
Not saving money when I had the chance to.
Not saying goodbye to my grandma before she died.

 

[abitfairytale]

Settling down too early...

Been with my husband since we were 18... (we're now 36).

Our (limited) sex life is very plain and vanilla.. I love him to the moon and back but wish I'd settled a little later, and hopefully had a more adventurous sex life.

 

[Bobbleowl90]

I wish I hadn't had my son. He was planned and I was excited while pregnant (mostly). He was born prematurely and I wasn't prepared.
I didn't bond with him when he was newborn and now he's 13 months I love him and take care of him but don't experience that intense love that other mums talk about. Most days I find myself wishing I hadn't had him so I could do what I wanted. So selfish I know. I don't think I'm a mumsy person, I don't have any patience and I find it all so boring.

Sorry for oversharing but I haven't actually told another human any of this.

Please see your doctor or speak to somebody you trust. They can and will help you X

 

[Snoopdog]

I really regret not having a career before kids. I had them young, due to health reasons. Always wanted to be a midwife, had a place to start when my little girl was 2, and my dad told me it was ridiculous - I was 23. Now 5 kids later, I’m still trying to figure it out.
Also, my last babies were born very prem And our daughter only lived for 3 days. Her brother is now 4, and has mild cerebral palsy - he’s absolutely amazing and honestly I wouldn’t change a single thing about him - and he couldn’t give two hoots about his rubbish balance, he loves life more than anyone I’ve ever met and delights in the most brilliant things, like swimming in the sea or playing on the beach or in the woods - he truly means the whole world to me, he’s my inspiration - but I’ll always blame myself for the fact he doesn’t have his twin here, and that he will have struggles in his life because I couldn’t keep him safe

 

[tskiry56]

I really regret not having a career before kids. I had them young, due to health reasons. Always wanted to be a midwife, had a place to start when my little girl was 2, and my dad told me it was ridiculous - I was 23. Now 5 kids later, I’m still trying to figure it out.
Also, my last babies were born very prem And our daughter only lived for 3 days. Her brother is now 4, and has mild cerebral palsy - he’s absolutely amazing and honestly I wouldn’t change a single thing about him - and he couldn’t give two hoots about his rubbish balance, he loves life more than anyone I’ve ever met and delights in the most brilliant things, like swimming in the sea or playing on the beach or in the woods - he truly means the whole world to me, he’s my inspiration - but I’ll always blame myself for the fact he doesn’t have his twin here, and that he will have struggles in his life because I couldn’t keep him safe

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl. To go through losing a very premature baby but still having to be strong for your son must of been so tough for you.
Have you received counselling or spoken about how you feel?

Edited to add - Your little boy sounds a real fighter.
Myself and my sister were born 11 weeks early back in the late 80s . My mum was told that I may not achieve things in life because I had a brain haemorrhage and mild hydrocephalus. But I never let that hold me back and if I couldn't do something I tried again and again until I succeeded.
Dont ever blame your self for events that unfortunately we have no control over.
You sound like a great mum and your son will see this as he grows up.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I wish I hadn't had my son. He was planned and I was excited while pregnant (mostly). He was born prematurely and I wasn't prepared.
I didn't bond with him when he was newborn and now he's 13 months I love him and take care of him but don't experience that intense love that other mums talk about. Most days I find myself wishing I hadn't had him so I could do what I wanted. So selfish I know. I don't think I'm a mumsy person, I don't have any patience and I find it all so boring.

Sorry for oversharing but I haven't actually told another human any of this.

I went through similar. Please reach out for some support. It is hard. It is relentless. It is boring (when theyre very young). Its overwhelming not feeling what you thought you were meant to. Being a parent is a huge shock to the system and not everyone adjusts as easy. And thats ok. Ask for help x

 

[emerald]

I really regret not having a career before kids. I had them young, due to health reasons. Always wanted to be a midwife, had a place to start when my little girl was 2, and my dad told me it was ridiculous - I was 23. Now 5 kids later, I’m still trying to figure it out.
Also, my last babies were born very prem And our daughter only lived for 3 days. Her brother is now 4, and has mild cerebral palsy - he’s absolutely amazing and honestly I wouldn’t change a single thing about him - and he couldn’t give two hoots about his rubbish balance, he loves life more than anyone I’ve ever met and delights in the most brilliant things, like swimming in the sea or playing on the beach or in the woods - he truly means the whole world to me, he’s my inspiration - but I’ll always blame myself for the fact he doesn’t have his twin here, and that he will have struggles in his life because I couldn’t keep him safe

I don't know how old you are but loads of people retrain to become midwives in their 40s and 50s. You still have loads of time left before pension age you can do it!

 

[Snoopdog]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl. To go through losing a very premature baby but still having to be strong for your son must of been so tough for you.
Have you received counselling or spoken about how you feel?

Edited to add - Your little boy sounds a real fighter.
Myself and my sister were born 11 weeks early back in the late 80s . My mum was told that I may not achieve things in life because I had a brain haemorrhage and mild hydrocephalus. But I never let that hold me back and if I couldn't do something I tried again and again until I succeeded.
Dont ever blame your self for events that unfortunately we have no control over.
You sound like a great mum and your son will see this as he grows up.

Thank you He means everything to me, he is amazing. He was a 25 weeker, he too had a brain bleed, grade 4 - so the most severe it could be. We were told the usual he may not walk etc and will have disabilities - however it took until 3.5 to diagnose his Cp and that was mostly because I really pushed for it because he will need a bit of extra support in school due to his balance. His speech is ‘ahead’ for both expressive and receptive and he never ever stops talking. He’s awesome and although it was horrendous when we lost his sister, I was lucky to have him, because so many parents left the unit with no babies. He’s literally living for the two of them and has double the mischief, fun everything to show for it. I never had counselling, although the gp gave me a number to call once - but for the most part, things are good. Just this nagging ache that I could have done more xx

I don't know how old you are but loads of people retrain to become midwives in their 40s and 50s. You still have loads of time left before pension age you can do it!

I shelved the midwifery plans, and I’m off to work in a school in September, as a 1:1 with a reception aged child - I’m hoping I will love this x