Toxic friends

[maytoseptember]

Unfortunately, if she’s the type of person to use a Mother’s Day message against you, then she’s not going to respond to being let down gently. I know you’re trying to be nice and to avoid conflict, but I don’t think that’s going to work.

If I were you I’d be direct, say the friendship isn’t working and you wish her well, then unfriend and block. I don’t see the point in not unfriending her tbh, because she’d probably use that against you too.

 

[Happyvalley]

I agree with the post above, respond and say for various reasons the friendship is no longer serving you well and that you wish to move on. Wish her well, explain you will not be contacting or communicating again so she’s not waiting to hear from you. Then block and delete from everything.

 

[Creep]

Unfortunately, if she’s the type of person to use a Mother’s Day message against you, then she’s not going to respond to being let down gently. I know you’re trying to be nice and to avoid conflict, but I don’t think that’s going to work.

If I were you I’d be direct, say the friendship isn’t working and you wish her well, then unfriend and block. I don’t see the point in not unfriending her tbh, because she’d probably use that against you too.

I think you're right. There have been other times where she has gotten upset because I tagged my partner in something (usually a clothing post or something rubbish) and she messages me right away saying that she can't believe I have time to do that and not message her back right away, it just feels like she's watching me and makes me feel like the bad guy as I second guess myself constantly.

I think I'm just going to have to bite the bullet really. I'm not the best with words and I don't want to cause more upset either, but it just feels like whatever I do, isn't right

 

[maytoseptember]

Whoa, that is so controlling. Imagine if a partner had a go at you for interacting with a friend on SM but not messaging him back. Red flags would be waving right?

 

[Creep]

Whoa, that is so controlling. Imagine if a partner had a go at you for interacting with a friend on SM but not messaging him back. Red flags would be waving right?

I agree. This is what my abusive ex was like amongst the other stuff. Constantly watching what I do online, pulling me up on it etc. He made a fb and Instagram just to see who I had on there etc. Took me a while to get away from him, but I did it.

I do see similarities to this situation. I just need to find the strength to get her out of my life. I would never be upset with someone if they simply liked a post or something, but not reply to me. Those things aren't the same to me. It's a few seconds to tag, like a post etc but replying comes with more energy.

 

[Base2019]

I would definitely cut contact and be quite firm with how you word it to her... she doesn’t seem like she will take it well going by the above lol

It’s definitely not a good sign when she is having such a negative impact on your life during a pandemic when you can’t even see her you will feel better when you tell her

 

[Creep]

I would definitely cut contact and be quite firm with how you word it to her... she doesn’t seem like she will take it well going by the above lol

It’s definitely not a good sign when she is having such a negative impact on your life during a pandemic when you can’t even see her you will feel better when you tell her

I don't think so either. She probably will fly off the handle with me again or begin to pester my fiancé yet again.

I think so too. I don't really like the idea of doing it through text as you wouldn't break up with someone like that, but it'll give me time to think about what to say. I've got deadlines, work and other things to be worrying about rather than whether or not I should like a post lol

I'm wondering if I should mention the mother's day tag message she sent to me to her when I do send her a message. Just because I think it's a bit much to get upset over it. She'll fly off the handle with me over it though.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with her.

 

[Inforapenny]

I'm 37 and In my life time I've have experience of 2 very toxic friends. I am the type of person to never rock the boat or fall out with ppl. I will always try to keep the peace.
What struck me was your description ...self centred.

Friend no 1 (I was about 26) became friends but soon realised she was only friends with single girls and would dump you if you had a boyfriend, she was incredibly selfish and intimidating. She was drunk, I refused to be her wingman because my friend had turned up and I wanted to say hello to him. Ex friend then threatened me that if I did that she'd tell his girlfriend that I was trying to come on to him it was very hurtful and seeing as he was an old friend and my ex friend didn't even know his girlfriend it was laughable
She then tried to argue with me (I was sober) and got in her car and drunk drove home. No one ever heard from her again.

Friend no 2 ...all through uni and into my 30s she was my best friend. I defended her a lot because many ppl called her spoilt and a princess. I thought she was misunderstood. But, looking back she was very rude to ppl.
She saw a post on Facebook from a friend's boyfriend who apparently said something racist. I fully supported my friend and listened to her, was totally there for her. However ...and I'll never ever know what triggered it but days later she
She sent me a vile essay type email saying I was racist, that she was a strong woman who would raise Muslim boys, that I was rum. It was shocking.
For context I work in international business and work closely with the governments of Pakistan, India and the middle East. I was also a religious studies teacher for 10 years teaching about culture, religions, prejudice and discrimination....whilst she hadn't done anything like that....so at least accuse me of something plausible.
The letter was vile, picked me apart in every way. The content didn't ask for my opinion or ask me questions or explain why she had sent me the letter so I never responded.
About 2 years after the incident I was at a wedding with lots of mutual friends.
I then found out that said ex friend had emailed all of them, individually to say I was a racist, nasty person. Some ppl who got the email didn't even know me very well!
Not one person believed ex friend but it was hurtful and I was really upset.

Since the moment she had sent that initial nasty email I knew she must be very very unhappy in her own life. I did find out her engagement was broken off a few months after.

My advice ....do not give this person an inch, they are not your friend. If you try and reason or explain she will use this against her.
In my opinion just don't respond.
Draw a line in the sand and say from this moment on you won't be engaging ....do not tell her, do not confront her.
If she continues to message you say you unfortunately will be ending the friendship and block her.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

It’s really not normal for her to be so controlling over you and make you feel this way OP. You tagged your mum in something. Your Mum for goodness sake! How ridiculous. I’d end up telling her to grow up and just leave me alone, that you can’t breathe, you’ve tried to be nice about it but it’s draining you and you can’t do it anymore because nothing changes. You need to put yourself first. Block her and get on with your life. I have my ex best friend blocked and there are times I miss her but then I remind myself how there were so many bad times too and it was always her way or no way. This will only continue if you allow it too. Put yourself first here. Xx

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I think once you've done it you'll feel so relieved. And you can come back here for support.

 

[emm]

I had an experience with a toxic friend a few years ago, it wasn't until I went to therapy and began to talk through things that I realised it. She was a serial monogamist but was basically addicted to male attention. She would purposely flirt with people she knew I liked/was seeing (to the extent they would often point it out to me as they found it weird) . I realised how unhealthy the relationship was when I slept with someone I knew she liked just as a vindictive move. This wasn't the end of the friendship, it did go on for a few more years and ended for other reasons, but looking back it was quite toxic. As other people have said she always seems to be changing friends and has (as far as I can see) no friends that she has known for more than a few years

 

[Clairer86]

Does anyone have any experience with a friend like this? I'm beginning to think that my friend is quite toxic and I'm not sure what to do I'll write my story below

I've been friends with this person for about 2 years now, I think I made a thread here a while ago about it. But to sum it up, she is quite intense with messages and I just shrugged it off as wanting a friend.

These last 6 months have been rough. I found out that she made up a huge lie and stuck her oar in which almost destroyed my relationship. I caught her out yet she apologised but threw my partner under the bus at the same time. I never usually confront people but I did with her. I asked if she didn't mention the subject anymore because it's a sensitive subject anyway but she ignored that. Anyway, I gave her a second chance but requested time as what she did hurt me plus there were quite a few things happening in my life at the time and what she did was the final nail so to speak. She didn't give me the time despite asking in several ways, hounded me several times a day and even messaged my partner loads about it. I will admit, it made me dig my heels in a bit because I just felt like she wasn't respecting my decision.

She's always been quite a self centred person I guess. Again, shrugged it off because I was the person she spoke to about everything. I was ready to speak to her again, I put something like "Hey. Sorry I've not been around, there has been a lot going on" and straight away it was "I've got so much to tell you" and she went straight into talking about herself. Didn't even ask me once how I was, she never does. It took her a matter of hours, to mention the subject I asked her not to. It's something she did a lot of despite me asking her not to, it feels like she was almost goading me to react.

Everything feels like a competition with her and it always has done. I excused it at first because I know that people use their experiences to relate, as I do that too. But it's a case of if I've been to Tenerife, she's been to Elevenerife if that makes sense? It made me not want to say anything about myself, because saying something like "I've got a cold" I'll be told that she has "the worst flu ever" sort of thing. It's quite draining and I felt like I was constantly supporting her (which I happily do) but didn't get it back. I don't expect anything back at all but surely it goes two ways? She flies off the handle with me if I criticise her and turns it back on me and makes me feel guilty. I will be honest and say that I don't always handle things the best, so perhaps I didn't word it very well or something.

I've made the decision to cut her off. I've never cut a friend off before, friendships in the past would gradually fizzle out. I struggle with confrontation and social anxiety so this isn't easy for me and I'm constantly second guessing what I'm doing. So I'm not sure what to do. With the way she is, I don't think no contact would work. But straight up telling her would cause more issues too. I'm limiting contact at the moment while I figure out what to do but I don't even know if that is right anymore. I just feel suffocated really.

I don't know if the word "toxic" is too strong for her, I always just thought that she was lonely really.

Does anyone else have experience with a friend who is similar?

Yes she sounds extremely toxic!!

I have a 'friend' who sounds pretty similar. I have quite bad mental health issues- BPD, Bipolar 2, Auditory Hallucinations, Anxiety, OCD etc etc. And i will be the first to admit that i can be quite naive and gullible... Well i dont lie and i like to think im an ok person so i just assume everyone else is honest and nice. I had this 'friend' who totally gaslighted me, and tried to exploit me, and it got to the point it felt like i was in an abusive relationship with said 'friend'. I totally cut contact following a spell in the mental health unit in hospital. And honestly, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and i have never missed said friend. (And that is huge for me because for a while this 'friend' was my "favourite person").

I hope you are okay, only you know how you will respond to her/take the best course of action for you. But i always feel the thought of something is usually much worse than the reality of it.

 

[Clairer86]

Just to add on to my previous post. My 'friend' did some really awful things to me, and now ive cut him off i realise just how bleeping cruel he was. I personally think he was a narcissist and that would make sense given my own mental health issues and how we sometimes go to those type of people (Narcissist). He exploited me in every way possible- financial, sexually, he even got me taking class A drugs. And yet i was made to feel like the bad person and i was crazy.... which i am but im not a bleeping idiot., and im able to analyse things and see things in a really deep way- thanks to my mental health plus the years and years of being at uni.

The bleep even made me believe that i was stupid and i was only accepted to study at uni because im 'ill' and they needed to allow disabled people on the course. So even though i did my BA degree and got a first, and then my MA degree and got a merit i believed it was purely because they had to because im 'poorly'.

I could write a bloody essay on the cruel things he did to me.

But anyway, sorry im ranting on. I dont want to bore you by talking about me. But honestly if i can cut someone out of my life then you certainly can.

 

[emm]

Just to add on to my previous post. My 'friend' did some really awful things to me, and now ive cut him off i realise just how bleeping cruel he was. I personally think he was a narcissist and that would make sense given my own mental health issues and how we sometimes go to those type of people (Narcissist). He exploited me in every way possible- financial, sexually, he even got me taking class A drugs. And yet i was made to feel like the bad person and i was crazy.... which i am but im not a bleeping idiot., and im able to analyse things and see things in a really deep way- thanks to my mental health plus the years and years of being at uni.

The bleep even made me believe that i was stupid and i was only accepted to study at uni because im 'ill' and they needed to allow disabled people on the course. So even though i did my BA degree and got a first, and then my MA degree and got a merit i believed it was purely because they had to because im 'poorly'.

I could write a bloody essay on the cruel things he did to me.

But anyway, sorry im ranting on. I dont want to bore you by talking about me. But honestly if i can cut someone out of my life then you certainly can.

nothing really to add, but well done for you doing this, the friendship just sounded SO damaging

 

[Creep]

Just to add on to my previous post. My 'friend' did some really awful things to me, and now ive cut him off i realise just how bleeping cruel he was. I personally think he was a narcissist and that would make sense given my own mental health issues and how we sometimes go to those type of people (Narcissist). He exploited me in every way possible- financial, sexually, he even got me taking class A drugs. And yet i was made to feel like the bad person and i was crazy.... which i am but im not a bleeping idiot., and im able to analyse things and see things in a really deep way- thanks to my mental health plus the years and years of being at uni.

The bleep even made me believe that i was stupid and i was only accepted to study at uni because im 'ill' and they needed to allow disabled people on the course. So even though i did my BA degree and got a first, and then my MA degree and got a merit i believed it was purely because they had to because im 'poorly'.

I could write a bloody essay on the cruel things he did to me.

But anyway, sorry im ranting on. I dont want to bore you by talking about me. But honestly if i can cut someone out of my life then you certainly can.

Oh wow. I'm so so glad that you're away from him. You've done the right thing! Oddly enough, your story resonates with me a lot but with an old friend with benefits. I have BPD and social anxiety, he used me for money,sex and abused me. He got me into drugs as well when I hadn't touched more than weed at that point. He would openly say he was a sociopath. I didn't think he was serious because I'm also a bit gullible. He hated me going on dates with other people and would do anything to sabotage it. Some of the stuff he did is far too triggering to put on a forum. Yet when I called him out for doing the same thing, it was my bpd making me paranoid I'm also disabled as well and this guy belittled me and my uni degree constantly, saying similar things to make it look "good for the uni to be diverse."

I really hope you're doing well now

I had an experience with a toxic friend a few years ago, it wasn't until I went to therapy and began to talk through things that I realised it. She was a serial monogamist but was basically addicted to male attention. She would purposely flirt with people she knew I liked/was seeing (to the extent they would often point it out to me as they found it weird) . I realised how unhealthy the relationship was when I slept with someone I knew she liked just as a vindictive move. This wasn't the end of the friendship, it did go on for a few more years and ended for other reasons, but looking back it was quite toxic. As other people have said she always seems to be changing friends and has (as far as I can see) no friends that she has known for more than a few years

Oh wow. For other people to mention what she was doing as well! I really don't get people sometimes, I'm glad you're away from ber now x

 

[Creep]

So now that I've finished work and done what I need to do today, I'm going to draft a text message to send. Not sure how to go around it though, because no doubt I'll write it and rewrite it loads before I send lmao

"I didn't mean to upset you at all and I understand why, I just think it's a bit much to be upset because I tagged my mum in something once the other day. Having a full on conversation with someone and tagging someone in a post is completely different to me. It just feels a bit suffocating that I'm even having to justify that at all really. If I'm being honest, this feels far too claustrophobic for me at the moment. I've had time to think about your message and I need to put myself first. "

Is what I've got so far I worry about coming across as too accusatory and blaming.

 

[Happyvalley]

So now that I've finished work and done what I need to do today, I'm going to draft a text message to send. Not sure how to go around it though, because no doubt I'll write it and rewrite it loads before I send lmao

"I didn't mean to upset you at all and I understand why, I just think it's a bit much to be upset because I tagged my mum in something once the other day. Having a full on conversation with someone and tagging someone in a post is completely different to me. It just feels a bit suffocating that I'm even having to justify that at all really. If I'm being honest, this feels far too claustrophobic for me at the moment. I've had time to think about your message and I need to put myself first. "

Is what I've got so far I worry about coming across as too accusatory and blaming.

Honestly I think the only person you’re blaming in that message is yourself! It’s her own fault and she’s forced you into this position. Once you’ve sent it, block her and I hope you feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

 

[Creep]

Honestly I think the only person you’re blaming in that message is yourself! It’s her own fault and she’s forced you into this position. Once you’ve sent it, block her and I hope you feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

Thank you. I just worry about doing/saying the right thing regardless of how I've been treated I wish I could be more ballsy. I'm going to wait until my partner comes back from work to send it, mainly because she'll go on the defensive if I block her and will contact him and I don't want him bombarded with messages while he's had a stressful day

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Thank you. I just worry about doing/saying the right thing regardless of how I've been treated I wish I could be more ballsy. I'm going to wait until my partner comes back from work to send it, mainly because she'll go on the defensive if I block her and will contact him and I don't want him bombarded with messages while he's had a stressful day

I would keep it short and to the point and once you've sent it dont get drawn into any conversation. Ask your partner to not get into conversation also.

 

[Creep]

I would keep it short and to the point and once you've sent it dont get drawn into any conversation. Ask your partner to not get into conversation also.

Definitely - my partner didn't ever get into conversation with her as he found her too needy I'm wondering whether or not I should even bother mentioning the Mother's day tag bit at all, or if I should just use the "it's not you, it's me" approach for an easier life lol

I'm not worried about sending the message. Just the aftermath of it all really